à la folie

There are so many things I haven’t done yet.

I lay, eyes wide open mouth tight shut, on my bed. Everything was blue, a blue mixed with spots of black and purple, and deep sangria. That was the colour of my room- blue. Blue, blue, blue. The carpet was arsenic, although slightly faded and trodden down. It was a relief from the blue, but if I stared at it long enough it eventually turned into a light, charcoal like ceil.

In the last 6 years of my life, my bedroom hadn’t changed once.

But I had.

I could feel it in my bones, my eyes, my muscles. I could feel the wear and tear of everyday dragging on my brittle bones, my muscles reluctantly agreeing to drag me through a pointless existence, my eyes viewing a desolate world where my breathing was barely worth the time. I felt so, so old. Like I had lived a million lives.

A bang from downstairs. I winced even though the sound hadn’t even been that loud, it was the story behind the noise that made me wince. Angelica was moving to America, she had been so excited that she packed every night since it had become official, everything that belonged to her- and everything that belonged to me.

She was taking me with her; she wanted me to start over. Said I could do with a new start, make some new friends, have new surroundings. Angelica had always been the optimistic type. I wanted to smile at my own sad, humour lacking joke but couldn’t bring my muscles to stretch that way.

To me, it didn’t matter where I was. I would still be me, nothing could change that. Same dark hair, same grey eyes, same pale skin. My right hand smoothed over the underside of my left arm, feeling the almost white epidermis of my skin. Angelica said I might get a tan, but I would have to go outside to do that. I didn’t like it outside. Too much noise, too many people, too many colours.

Finally giving up I sat up and crossed the room, feeling the clover-green cover slip away from my bare legs. I settled down in front of the curtain-less window, feeling the cold glass lightly tickle over my skin as recognition of my presence.

The night sky was a clear, dark indigo, stars sprinkling my most hated colour with spots of platinum and vanilla. Those stars were so far away, lost in galaxies so far from here, visible to millions of thousands of other planets, of other existences. But tonight, like every night, it seemed like they shined for me, and only me.

what a waste

I didn’t even like platinum, or vanilla.

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[Insanity]
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Woody, buzz, power rangers, teddy bears, action-man, spider man.

I watched as one by one Angelica destroyed my childhood, she hadn’t asked me if I wanted any of them.

Make a wish when your childhood dies

Those toys were just pieces of plastic and fluff, fragments of imagination built of waste worthy materials. A lot of them were blue, I didn’t want them.

“You really should of done this on Monday” She wasn’t looking at me, I wasn’t looking at her. I just watched her hands. She just watched her hands.

“Go and pack your clothes. The suitcase is in the hall, it’s the grey one” Moments after I told my muscles what to do, they responded and heaved my flesh and bones from the floor, directing my feet in the direction of my open bedroom door. Within sight of the doorway was khaki coloured suitcase piled over a black one. I reached down and grabbed the dark grey handle of the suitcase and pulled it away from the black one.

I let go as it crashed to the ground. The sound was so loud to my ears. Standing in the corridor staring at the grey suitcase that was blending to blue, I momentarily forgot what I was meant to be doing.

So tired

“Leave what you’re wearing tomorrow in the wardrobe – Price will take them out when he’s moving the furniture” Clothes, suitcase. I’m meant to be packing.

Angelica wasn’t very patient with me so I bent down and placed a hold on the handle once more, before dragging it slowly into my fast-emptying room. I set it down next to my wardrobe then reached up to the first hanger, trailing my hand across the fabric of a jade sweater.

I guess I really was leaving.