à la folie

Too many people.

I rubbed my forehead with my free hand, a cigarette held in the other as I propped myself up against a tree, feeling the roughened texture of the old tree digging into the thin material of my grey jumper.

My head hurt from all the people, all the talking, all the fake smiling. I hate new days at schools, even though this was only my second. I hated all of this; couldn’t they just... forget me? My accent wasn’t doing me anymore favours either, and I was thinking too fast. Faster than normally, and now my head hurt and my eyes felt stretched.

“Don’t let the teachers see you” said a familiar voice, tinged with a hint of amusement. I looked over at him as he drew his own cigarette, and his blue lighter. I closed my eyes and leaned my head against the tree behind. Everything was a dark blue. Better than the blue of his lighter, though.

Lesley looked very healthy today. Or maybe it was just I’d never really seen him in sunlight, but never the less, It hard to fathom how good he did look. I wasn’t the type to obsess over the way people looked, but he wasn’t hard to look at.

“You alright?” I opened my eyes and looked over at him, he grinned at me, showing off his white teeth. He was now sat beside me, legs centimeters away from his chest and one arms looped over the top.

“Yeah” I answered shortly, looking away from him and back down at my feet. I could just see some of my skin on my ankles, pale, hairless skin that was just too noticeable. Having skin showing was something I hated. Wearing v-necks and short sleeved t-shirt wasn’t a problem, but I always wore a jumper over them, no matter the weather.

I hated my skin.

Milky white wasn’t a nice colour, in my opinion. Too clean. I wanted a nice, even caramel skin colour that I could be proud of. But that was what everyone wanted, wasn’t it? Good looks and nice skin. Who cared what was on the inside, we all die anyway.

It was sometime after that that I realised Lesley had never said anything after he asked me if I was okay, I looked over at him curiously, and he didn’t look alright. There was this set expression on his face, his jaw kept flexing, like he was chewing on his tongue, his cigarette lay forgotten in-between his fingers.

“What about you?” His head shot up and his eyes met with mine harshly, it felt like lightening and I didn’t like it. Too fast. I wanted to close my eyes, but I didn’t want to, either. Lesley broke the eyes contact and stared down harshly at his knees, brow furrowed.

“Gerard hasn’t called me in a while” My heart stopped, then I did close my eyes. Why was everything so blue.

“Gerard?” The name slid from my mouth, accidentally forming a question. Lesley didn’t answer, and instead suddenly seemed to notice the cigarette in his hand; he pulled it up to his lips with a liquid like ease then followed the smoke with his eyes, watching it trail away into the blindingly blue sky.

I couldn’t watch it for too long, the sky hurt my eyes and I much preferred the earthy green grass, like my jumper, not the fake green grass of the neighbourhood around my new house. This was real, brown dotted grass infested with weeds and dandelions, flowers and rocks. And I liked it that way, only that way.

“He...” Lesley started, then faltered. He made a strange noise from the tip of his tongue and drew the cigarette to his lips again, taking a ferocious breath in, and exhaling a cloud of fading grey.

A few minutes passed, he lit another cigarette and drew in the smoke, a blissful look relaxing the muscles in his face, unwinding his jaw and smoothing the wrinkles from his brow.

“He’s my boyfriend” then he turned to me, expecting some sort of reaction from me. Rejection perhaps, because he had a boyfriend.

“Call him” the words escaped my lips, and I heard them. I sounded dead. Like a void.

“What?” asked Lesley quickly, too quickly. I knew he had heard, so I didn’t repeat it, I let it sink in.

“I-I... I can’t”

“Why?” I questioned, the back of my throat was starting to feel raw.

“He’s at work”

“When he gets back” Lesley just shook his head and looked down at his lap, the hand looping his legs was digging into the side of his leg, and I could see the indents.

“How old is he?” I eventually asked, not willing to let the thread go quite so quickly. I think I was interested. But I wasn’t sure.

“Twenty-one. I met him through my dad; he’s the son of one of his friends. He’s really nice” The last bit he said so quietly, that I couldn’t help but think he was talking more to himself than me.

A bell went off and I flinched, then closed my eyes, feeling dizzy.

“Come on then”

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[Certifiably]
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Picture yourself in a boat on a river,
With tangerine trees and marmalade skies,
Somebody calls you, you answer quite slowly
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes

It was cloudy tonight. I couldn’t see the bitter sweet stars that shone in colours I hated; I couldn’t see the midnight blue through a cloud of grey smoke, I couldn’t see any blue. But I missed the stars. The stars I hated. Stars were so common, and I liked that.

Follow her down to a bridge by a fountain,
Where rocking horse people eat marshmallow pies
Everyone smiles as you drift past the flowers
That grow so incredibly high

The clouds were dark. Dark grey. It would rain tomorrow, maybe tonight. I liked rain, it was cold, and it ruled it’s self. But sometimes it looked blue, just a light shade of it, and then I didn’t like it. Apart from that it made everything a nice darker shade, like my green jumper. It turned army green in the rain, which was pleasing, somehow.

Picture yourself on a train in a station
With plasticine porters with looking glass ties
Suddenly someone is there at the turnstile
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes

I wondered how long I would sleep tonight.