Status: Active
à la folie
To
“It’s so sunny”
I hated sun. It was so blinding, and it lit up the blue sky like gasoline making it an unpleasant bright blue. My eyes were aching and my hair was hot to the touch, like the wall I had sat on when I first met Lesley.
1AM in American time and it was getting cold outside, the wall underneath me was still pleasantly warm from the long day of sun beating down on it. Houses around me were all dark, only a small green glow emitting from a night-light coming from one window, the sky was once more a blanket of indigo and pale platinum but it didn’t feel like they shined for me.
My hand automatically went to rest on my forehead, rubbing intricate patterns into my warm skin, my oddly warm hair brushing against my hands. Remembering things was always so hard when I was tired, I couldn’t remember a time when I could remember something. Evidence in its self that life was so dreary.
A satisfied sigh slipped from somewhere next to me and I looked down at the ground to a contented looking Lesley. His mouth shaped in a lazy smile and jade eyes closed against the bright dread up above.
The oddest thing was, he had his legs casually swung over my folded legs, like physical touch was nothing to him. It was certainly distracting a lot of my attention away from everything else, I wasn’t used to this, but I didn’t want to complain, or break the obvious trance of happiness he was in.
I wondered what it was like, being happy.
“I love the sun”
I didn’t.
We sat in a large park, well, they called it a park but in reality it was just a big field ringed by trees and containing two dirty football goals which a gang of boys from a few years below were playing at. Giggly girls sat under the trees, pointing to the boys while the much older generation sat on polished benches following the crème gravel path. The grass was a divine, natural green squished by footprints, stones and mud, the trees were a paler shade, a lot like Lesley’s eyes I noticed.
Everything seemed to look a little like Lesley later.
Except the sky, that was ugly. Not like him.
“Lesley?” called an unfamiliar voice; Lesley pushed himself up as I looked to see who it was. A large, tattooed man was coming towards us, with dark-hair and eyes I couldn’t yet see. And if it was the man I thought it was, I didn’t want to see them.
Lesley hastily withdrew his legs from my lap and jumped to his feet to greet Gerard. I remained where I was, running a finger along where Lesley legs had been moment before. The sudden disappearance of heat felt unusual, and for reason, I felt hurt.
I just couldn’t place why.
Looking away from my lap, I raised my eyes just in time to see Lesley and Gerard kissing rather, well, they looked into it.
And I didn’t want to be there. Because Gerard had blue eyes, and the sky was blue, and my legs were getting cold and I could hear buzzing and nothing then buzzing again and, oh god I was so confused, why am I confused?
Without a noise I stood up and walked off, not looking behind to see if Lesley was coming, or if he’d saw me, or if he was calling me, or if he cared at all now he had Gerard. I brought my iPod out, pushed it into my ears and carried on walking, keeping it at a high, steady volume that blocked out all else very nicely.
Never thought you’d make me perspire
Never thought I’d do you the same
Never thought I’d’ fill with desire
Never thought I’d feel so ashamed
Me and the dragon
Can chase all the pain away
So before I end my days,
Remember
My sweet prince,
You are the one
------------------------
[Mental Illness]
------------------------
He had been tall, taller than me, and kind of lean looking. His face was nicely tanned, but the rest of his body was so entwined with tattoos I couldn’t tell. He was good looking, in a rugged sort of way, he looked dangerous.
“We had this one guy, Mark, lasted two weeks. Left the school, no-one has heard off him”
I didn’t like Gerard. He had blue eyes, and Lesley. He took Lesley from me. I didn’t like people, much. But Lesley liked smoking, and he talked for me, and he didn’t make me talk, and he just understood. And then Gerard came back and now he doesn’t know me and he won’t talk to me and won’t tell me why because he won’t talk to me and now I don’t sleep and nothing makes sense and sometimes I forget to breathe.
I saw Lesley twice. Both times he looked weird. As in, he wasn’t smiling, and he didn’t talk to me. And when I gave him the look he usually understood as why he just walked away. He’s not at school anymore and I find that odd, and now everything is going back to the way it was back in England.
Because I think Pam is annoying, and Annabelle thinks I’m weird, but Emma likes me and tries to talk to me, then she leaves me alone and comes back with something to say. Pam makes my head buzz, like static is clouding everything, and Annabelle makes me think about other people which I don’t want to do. Emma just talks, and talks, then stops, and talks.
It was raining.
The trees around me shuffled almost nervously under the ever-growing raindrops, one dropped down and hit my forehead, and I looked up into what was visible of the grey sky from between the tree leaves.
I felt old, sitting out here. Like the fresh green leaves and clear water drops and aged me, like the moss had sucked all the energy from me and I was just a heaving carcass.
Brainless meat, as I lovingly referred to myself as. That was a nice description, nice and simple and only three syllables.
Maybe I should go home, Angelica might be worried.
Angelica wanted me to go to a psychiatrist.
I could be late, maybe another cigarette.
I hated sun. It was so blinding, and it lit up the blue sky like gasoline making it an unpleasant bright blue. My eyes were aching and my hair was hot to the touch, like the wall I had sat on when I first met Lesley.
1AM in American time and it was getting cold outside, the wall underneath me was still pleasantly warm from the long day of sun beating down on it. Houses around me were all dark, only a small green glow emitting from a night-light coming from one window, the sky was once more a blanket of indigo and pale platinum but it didn’t feel like they shined for me.
My hand automatically went to rest on my forehead, rubbing intricate patterns into my warm skin, my oddly warm hair brushing against my hands. Remembering things was always so hard when I was tired, I couldn’t remember a time when I could remember something. Evidence in its self that life was so dreary.
A satisfied sigh slipped from somewhere next to me and I looked down at the ground to a contented looking Lesley. His mouth shaped in a lazy smile and jade eyes closed against the bright dread up above.
The oddest thing was, he had his legs casually swung over my folded legs, like physical touch was nothing to him. It was certainly distracting a lot of my attention away from everything else, I wasn’t used to this, but I didn’t want to complain, or break the obvious trance of happiness he was in.
I wondered what it was like, being happy.
“I love the sun”
I didn’t.
We sat in a large park, well, they called it a park but in reality it was just a big field ringed by trees and containing two dirty football goals which a gang of boys from a few years below were playing at. Giggly girls sat under the trees, pointing to the boys while the much older generation sat on polished benches following the crème gravel path. The grass was a divine, natural green squished by footprints, stones and mud, the trees were a paler shade, a lot like Lesley’s eyes I noticed.
Everything seemed to look a little like Lesley later.
Except the sky, that was ugly. Not like him.
“Lesley?” called an unfamiliar voice; Lesley pushed himself up as I looked to see who it was. A large, tattooed man was coming towards us, with dark-hair and eyes I couldn’t yet see. And if it was the man I thought it was, I didn’t want to see them.
Lesley hastily withdrew his legs from my lap and jumped to his feet to greet Gerard. I remained where I was, running a finger along where Lesley legs had been moment before. The sudden disappearance of heat felt unusual, and for reason, I felt hurt.
I just couldn’t place why.
Looking away from my lap, I raised my eyes just in time to see Lesley and Gerard kissing rather, well, they looked into it.
And I didn’t want to be there. Because Gerard had blue eyes, and the sky was blue, and my legs were getting cold and I could hear buzzing and nothing then buzzing again and, oh god I was so confused, why am I confused?
Without a noise I stood up and walked off, not looking behind to see if Lesley was coming, or if he’d saw me, or if he was calling me, or if he cared at all now he had Gerard. I brought my iPod out, pushed it into my ears and carried on walking, keeping it at a high, steady volume that blocked out all else very nicely.
Never thought you’d make me perspire
Never thought I’d do you the same
Never thought I’d’ fill with desire
Never thought I’d feel so ashamed
Me and the dragon
Can chase all the pain away
So before I end my days,
Remember
My sweet prince,
You are the one
------------------------
[Mental Illness]
------------------------
He had been tall, taller than me, and kind of lean looking. His face was nicely tanned, but the rest of his body was so entwined with tattoos I couldn’t tell. He was good looking, in a rugged sort of way, he looked dangerous.
“We had this one guy, Mark, lasted two weeks. Left the school, no-one has heard off him”
I didn’t like Gerard. He had blue eyes, and Lesley. He took Lesley from me. I didn’t like people, much. But Lesley liked smoking, and he talked for me, and he didn’t make me talk, and he just understood. And then Gerard came back and now he doesn’t know me and he won’t talk to me and won’t tell me why because he won’t talk to me and now I don’t sleep and nothing makes sense and sometimes I forget to breathe.
I saw Lesley twice. Both times he looked weird. As in, he wasn’t smiling, and he didn’t talk to me. And when I gave him the look he usually understood as why he just walked away. He’s not at school anymore and I find that odd, and now everything is going back to the way it was back in England.
Because I think Pam is annoying, and Annabelle thinks I’m weird, but Emma likes me and tries to talk to me, then she leaves me alone and comes back with something to say. Pam makes my head buzz, like static is clouding everything, and Annabelle makes me think about other people which I don’t want to do. Emma just talks, and talks, then stops, and talks.
It was raining.
The trees around me shuffled almost nervously under the ever-growing raindrops, one dropped down and hit my forehead, and I looked up into what was visible of the grey sky from between the tree leaves.
I felt old, sitting out here. Like the fresh green leaves and clear water drops and aged me, like the moss had sucked all the energy from me and I was just a heaving carcass.
Brainless meat, as I lovingly referred to myself as. That was a nice description, nice and simple and only three syllables.
Maybe I should go home, Angelica might be worried.
Angelica wanted me to go to a psychiatrist.
I could be late, maybe another cigarette.
♠ ♠ ♠
wah