Ready to Go

Saturday finally rolled around, and yes I was excited to see Brendon, in a friendly way of course. The day was long but fun, I wasn’t working but I spent my day at the pier anyways. When the sun started to set I got ready, not that I had a lot clothes to choose from but I wanted to look good for the beach not Brendon. I slipped some jeans that were ripped up here and there, a simple shirt and a sweater that I stole from Dustin and until this day I don’t think he noticed. I got some socks on and slipped on my beaten up Converse.

I walked out of my home and locked it up with the key before slipping it put on top of the lamp which hung just by the door and walked away. I stuffed my hands into my sweater’s pockets and looked down at the boardwalk, watching my shoes meet with the boards. I told Brendon to meet me at ‘our spot’ and we would head off from there. I looked up and took in some of the salty air and easily spotted Brendon leaning against the rail and looking out to the ocean.

I stopped in my tracks and stared at him for a bit longer; my stomach was twisting and turning. I was nervous all over again; this familiar feeling was making itself at home at the pit of my stomach. I wanted to walk back and just hide from him; I wanted to hide from everything. My mind decided to back off and go back to my home, my shack. But my feet were already heading for him; I’m just saying there is this gravity force he has.

“Hey,” I greeted with a small shaky voice.

“Sup,” He greeted back and brought his attention to me, a soft smile placed on his fish lips. I didn’t notice the glasses that fit his face perfectly from where I stood before. This wasn’t cool.

“Ready to go, dude?” I asked and pointed to area we would be heading with my pocket hand.

“Why were you coming from over there?” He asked curiously and nodded towards the way I came.

“Never mind that,” I said and forced my hands on his chest and started to push towards the beginning of the boardwalk.

“But…”

“No, no, no shush.” I said and covered his mouth with my hand. “No questions okay?” I asked and looked up at him. He nodded and I removed my hand.

“But I just have one, tiny, little one…” He said and held up his hand, slowing me how small the question would be if it were between his thumb and index finger.

“What is it?” I asked and sighed.

“Are you sure that I’m allowed to go to this bonfire?” He asked sounding nervous.

“Why wouldn’t you be allowed to?” I asked back and looked over his face. When we reached the beginning of the pier with me pushing him all way there, I walked down the stairs with him at my side.

“I mean, because I’m not like you guys… what if I don’t fit in or something…” He said and stopped me from walking.

“Why are you so worried about fitting in?” I asked and laughed a bit, “It doesn’t matter. They don’t judge people because you’re not “like us.”” I said using those air quotes again.

“I don’t know, I don’t want to feel awkward and are you sure?”

“I’m positive, man. Just… relax.” I said and rested my hands on his shoulders. I looked into his eyes and stared at the glasses. “Have you ever worn those things around me?” I asked and tilted my head to the side a bit.

“No,” He answered simply.

“Oh.” I continued and nodded a bit, “They look good on you.” I said without thinking. I turned quickly and started to walk before he could tease me on how I was flirting or hitting on him, or whatever it was he would say.

Brendon was by my side again in no time, he didn’t say anything about what I told him. He didn’t even wear a smirk on his face; it actually made me kind of worried. I watched him for a moment and really couldn’t believe that he was nervous to hang out with my friends. I nudged his side in a way telling him to get over it. He looked at me and smiled kindly then nudged me back.

By the time we got to the area where the bonfire was going to happen the sun went down more but not disappear. It got a bit colder and it pushed me closer to Brendon who luckily didn’t notice. I was really happy about that.

“Hey, you sexy bitches...” Dustin welcomed us from the sand; he was trying to build the prefect bonfire. It always was his thing.

“Hi hoe.” I said and waved my hand a bit.

“I like when you talk dirty,” Dustin said and winked at me.

I laughed but stopped when I noticed Brendon was looking around, the uncomfortable face that would be on my face was now on his. He looked at the few ice chests that lay around, and the beach towels and bags, he looked at Dustin and brought his eyes to my mine.

“Brendon, you’re going to be fine.” I said and smiled to him.

He didn’t say anything but just nodded; I rolled my eyes a bit and stayed near his side. Slowly but surely everyone started to show up, there was a lot of hellos and sups, they greeted Brendon as if he always been in the group and he started to relax more. By night there people gathered around the bonfire with cups of whatever they drank and smoked whatever was passed to them.

I shared the spot on the sand next to Brendon with our backs up against one the ice chests, we watched everyone do their own thing. My thing was always in the spot on the sand, never drinking or smoking figuring I could just get a natural high off the vibe and sometimes it would work. This time not so much, I got up from my spot and looked down at Brendon who watched me closely.

“Come on,” I said and motioned for him to get up.

“Where are we going?” He asked and stood up.

“I don’t know yet,” I answered and opened the ice chest and pulled out a beer for Brendon, who gladly took from me. I walked away from the bonfire and started to look around the empty beach as the talking and laughing started to fade.

When I thought I found the perfect spot I dropped myself down to the sand and wrapped my arms around my bent legs. Brendon followed suit and took a drink from his beer, I watched him for a moment and then looked towards the water.

“You’re right; I really didn’t have anything to worry about.” Brendon spoke. “Thanks.” He continued and nudged me a bit.

“You’re welcome,” I answered and nudged him back.

“Do you trust me?” He randomly asked and made me look at him; he kept his fingers wrapped around my chin.

I slapped his hand away and shrugged a bit, “Why? Are you going to do something?” I asked and watched him closely.

“No, I was just wondering…” He sighed. “Are you ever going to tell someone about your past?”

“Someday…”

“Why not let that day be tonight?” He asked and put the bottle in the sand.

“Brendon…” I started; he covered my mouth and stared at me.

“Don’t Brendon me; I wouldn’t continue to ask you if I didn’t care… trust me.” He said and dropped his hand.

“I don’t trust anyone… expect one person.” I said slowly and watched as he tensed up; he licked his lips a bit and turned his head looking over the ocean.

“Don’t be like that; you should know by now that I won’t tell anyone.” I said and let go of my legs.

“What did he do to you that made you push everyone away?” He asked and turned his body to face me, his voice was firm.

“Who the hell is he?” I asked and stared at him, starting to grow a bit mad.

“Oh come on, Ivy. Someone doesn’t do this unless they got really hurt, so what did he do?” He asked again and put his hand on my shoulder.

“Nothing!” I said and slapped his hand off me. “Okay?” I got up from my spot and took a shaky breath.

“Yeah, if it were nothing would you really be acting like this?” He asked while standing up.
“You really want to know the truth huh?” I asked and pushed him back a bit.

“Yes I want to know.” He said taking those few steps back to me.

“He made me fall for him, he made me lose everything that I had going for me and he never said it back…” I poured out and pushed Brendon away on every word. “He took me away from my family, he made me hate them, and he brought me here and left me. He fucking left for me some girl that had everything I didn’t. And he never said it back, why didn’t I just listen to my mom when she said that he didn’t love me. He turned everything around…” I explained, my vision getting more blurry the more I poured out. I kept pushing Brendon away the best I could, I grew tired and he brought me into his arms. Something I didn’t expect from him.

“Why does it have to hurt so much?” I whispered into his chest and took a shaky breath. “I don’t understand when someone tells you’re amazing and then walks out on you, what the heck did I do wrong for him to leave me?”

“You didn’t do anything wrong, it was him… he’s the one that fucked up and left something behind that was worth more than he would ever know. It’s his fault, not yours, Ivy.” He said and kept his arms around me.

“I lost my family Brendon, I’m so stupid and I’m out here alone living in a damn shack…” I said and looked up at him.

“You didn’t lose them, their still there and you’re not stupid you were in love and that could make you do stupid shit at times. And you’re not alone; you have… you have me.” He said slowly and locked eyes with me.

“Shut up Brendon,” I said and got out of his hold. I brought myself down to the sand and wiped my eyes with the sleeves of my sweater.

“Don’t tell me to shut up, Ivy.” He said and sat back down with me. “You’re not alone; you have Dustin, Hilary, Quinn… and me. I’m not going anywhere… I would’ve left you a week ago.” He said and brought me to look at him again. “What more do I have to do for you to believe me?”

“Not disappear on me…” I mumbled and swallowed hard.

“I’m not going to.” Brendon moved closer to me and wrapped his arms around me, bringing me close to him.

I tried to collect the heat he was giving out not realizing how cold I was until I felt how warm he was. I nervously wrapped my arms around his waist and stayed close to him. Who ever thought that it would be him to bring out my past and him to see my weak side? And oddly, I didn’t care. I was kind of glad it was him.

“You could always stay with me.” He whispered into my ear lightly.

I shook my head a bit, “No,”

“Why?”

“Because that shack is the only place that makes sense to me, it feels like home to me and I don’t really want to leave it. I didn’t mean for it to sound so woe is me, but I like living there.” I explained and rested my head on his shoulder.

“Okay, does anyone know you live here?” He asked concerned.

“Joe, my boss… he’s really helped me through this. So he’s the only one I trust besides you.” I bit down on my bottom lip, scared at the feeling that Brendon made me feel. I felt right, like I have before. But I was too scared to let the feeling move on.

“Alright, I just want to make sure. I just want you’re safe.” He mumbled into my hair.

I nodded a bit and closed my eyes; it was weird that Brendon killed all the pain that I’ve been trying to fight for so long. With just a few words and his body heat, I felt like I was almost put back together. I just hope he doesn’t try to play God next.