Ready to Go

'What am I still doing here?' I repeatedly asked myself as I stayed on the couch in Brendon's living room, but seriously I couldn't bring myself to answer correctly. Yes Brendon had offered his bed multiple times but I wasn't having it. I didn't need to be in a bed that had his scent all over it. It was bad enough I was getting possibly comfortable with Brendon, I just knew having his blankets around me would push over the edge and he would have me all bonkers.

But really how hard could it be to just get up and leave out the front door? It's right there, Ivy. I fought myself for another moment before getting up. I pushed the blankets off my body revealing the clothes Brendon lent me. It's an easy return. I stood up and walked over to the door just as my fingers touched the door knob I felt hands on my waist, I quickly bent my arm and threw it back hearing that grunt.

"Lesson learned, I'm not going behind you anymore." Brendon said in some kind of pain as he walked to the couch with his hand on his stomach.

"Yeah... Well..." I drifted off and gave him a apologetic look.

It took a moment or two for Brendon to recover, "Where... Where were you going?" Brendon finally spoke and leaned back against the couch with his hand still rested on his stomach.

"Home." I stated simply and nodded.

"But you haven't had your breakfast."

"Well there is food at the pier." I said and gestured my hands to the door in some hope that Brendon would get my message of wanting out.

"Yeah its greasy food and you need a full breakfast." Brendon stated as he got up and grabbed my wrist gently awhile ignoring my desperation for freedom. Once in his kitchen Brendon turned to me waiting for me to talk, seeing that I wasn't going to he lets out a small sigh and finally asked, "What do you want to eat?"

"I'm not too hungry." I said lightly and crossed my arms over my chest. My eyes started to dart around the kitchen avoiding Brendon at all cost.

"Ivy, come on. You want pancakes?" He asked me and moved over some and opened up a cupboard. I shrugged my shoulders up. "Do you like pancakes?" He continued, I nodded in reply. "Okay, you're making this a lot harder than it has to be."

"I'm sorry," I said with a small nervous laugh. "I... Just..." I started to stutter my words before I fully stopped. "Pancakes are fine." I said and nodded.

"Oh man," Brendon said with the most biggest grin I ever seen him make. I'm scared to ask what but I do anyways. "I'm making you nervous, aren't I?" He asked and stood against the counter.

"Of course you're not." I said and tried to keep my voice steadily.

"So explain to me why you stuttered and why I caught you trying to leave? I mean I know you hate closeness but come on, Ivy. It's one thing to be distant but to be nervous around me?" Brendon said and keeps his eyes on me. Even if I wasn't looking at his face I knew he was staring at me, I could feel the burning and the urge to just stare back. And it was obvious he was enjoying this knowing that he was weakening me in some way.

"I'm not exactly in my comfort zone, I'm not home and this place isn't mine. So I do have the right to be a bit shy around you." I explained and kept my arms crossed.

"It's just me though, you see me almost every day so how is it that it's different when we're here?"

I stared at Brendon finally, he lost the grin and his face had gone somewhat serious but had that 'I'm loving this,' smile. "Because it's your place, it's you everywhere at least at the pier there isn't a lot that remains me of you." I said and bit down on his bottom lip.

"What remains you of me?" Brendon yet again asked.

"Oh my god, Brendon. I'm going to go to my home and I'm going to shower and go to work." I said as I head out of the kitchen. "And when I see you I'll gave you back your clothes." I continued as I went to the living room, I spotted my shoes in the same place I left them and scooped them as I pass.

"But I didn't make you breakfast!" He shouted quickly.

"Rain check." Was all I said before I quickly headed out of his apartment.

It took some time before realizing where I was and how to get back to the pier. It took some more time before I got to the pier and my home, I got the door opened and instantly felt the uncomfortable feeling leave and the happy vibes enter. I took a shower and washed away the memories from early today, well I tried to at least. It wasn't much longer that I was ready and out the door, I clocked in giving a welcoming smile to Joe who seemed to always be in the same spot behind his desk. I headed back out and got to the assigned game both.

Just as I approached it Dustin jumped from behind the boarded counter and decided to scared me, I swung at him totally missed but I doubt it would phase if I did punch him, he was a little into his laughing fit. I stared at him as he wiped off his eyes with his index fingers and wiped them on his shirt, he took in a deep breath to calm himself before looking at me.

"Oh, Ivy. You're so great." Dustin told me and brought me into a big bear hug.

I kind of just stood there as he released me, "You know that's the second time today someone scared me." I nodded some and placed my hand on Dustin's shoulder.

"You mean I wasn't your first?" He asked and sounded kind of hurt. "Who was it?"

"You should know, you let him take off with me!"

Dustin stare at me with a pondering face before shrugging his shoulders up and shook his head, "if you got kidnapped you should've told someone, Ivy. I didn't see you get kidnapped, I saw Brendon--" He stopped talking then got a big smile on his face, "Oh." He said with a laugh. "Yeah, that was not kidnap."

"But he was the one to scare me first." I stated and watched as Dustin went from laughing to serious.

"Is that so?" He asked and stood up, "Figures. He would be the bastard to take my moments away." He said and got into the booth and helped me over. "Good thing we work with balloons."

"Do I want to know?" I asked cautiously.

"Maybe not."

I nodded some and started to fill up the board with some balloons and started to gather the darts. Just as I'm about done Hilary showed up with a wide smile on her face. I knew she had questions, she always has questions.

"What?" I finally asked as she grinned some and swayed.

"You know what," She wiggled her eyebrows.

"If this is about Brendon--" I started before she interrupted me.

"Of course it's about Brendon, it's probably going to always be about him until I get the answers I want, Ivy." Hilary said and crossed her arms.

"We didn't do anything." I stated simply.

"That's not want I'm looking for." She said and rolled her eyes.

"Well I'm sorry to disappoint you, Hilly. But that's all I have. I slept on the couch and he slept on his bed and he offered to make me breakfast." I explained as Hilary smiled widely. "But I took a rain check." I add quickly and watched as she lost her interest and rolled her eyes once again.

"Of course you'd that. A handsome man offers to make you breakfast you should accept it!" Hilary said and threw her arms up in the air.

"Fuck, I would take the offer." I heard Dustin say from the bottom of the booth.

"You're going to lose him, Ivy." Hilary said and raised her eyebrows at me.

"Lose him? He won't leave. I can't lose something that is attached to my leg." I said and sighed deeply. "I'm not going to take the risk, no way."

"He isn't worth the risk? He's here all the time for you and you only. He looks at you and he smiles at you, he pays attention to you and he obviously cares." Hilary said and kept her eyes on me.

"I know he cares," I mumbled and sat down, I let my legs swing a little. "I just can't but get a feeling, you know?"

"You're scared, it's only natural but you can't play that card forever." Hilary said and patted my head lightly before heading off.
Maybe Hilary was right about this, what if I do lose him because I'm too scared and I want to do is leave every time I'm alone with him? I questioned myself repeatedly if he was the one I could take my risk on, I didn't understand him, I didn't understand what was going on. I didn't want the feeling of him disappearing on me, I didn't need that and I didn't need the feeling of wanting him near me all the time. I didn't want to be depend on him at all. I was fine before and I would be fine when he's gone.

My day was filled the normal routine of taking money, smiling, cheering and then giving out the prize. I didn't want to say that I noticed Brendon wasn't there and I don't want to say that my head would look over heads for that messy head of brown. I wasn't missing him just casually wondering where the singer might've been. To say the least my day was slightly boring expect the normal fighting between Hilary and Dustin.

It was getting late and the breeze was picking up, I managed to steal Dustin's sweater and get my legs under it as I got comfortable in my spot. Work finally died down and we were just talking, my eyes happened to drift off to the side and land on those familiar brown hues. I felt my breathing stop for a moment and my heart skip a beat, I didn't break away until he was close enough and I let my eyes drop. I couldn't make it seem like I didn't notice him because he was staring right at me the whole time and I was staring back.

When Brendon was close enough to the booth my eyes got somewhat big as he stared back with a confused face. What he couldn't see was Dustin standing just behind the wooden board with a balloon in hand and a dart. I tensed up as Dustin jumped right in front of Brendon scaring him and then popped the balloon his face.

"No one scares Ivy before me! You got that life guard dude?" Dustin said and stared at Brendon who was just rubbing his ear a lot. "Ivy, your guy is broken." Dustin said and leaned in. "CAN YOU HEAR ME?" He yelled loudly into his ear.

"He isn't my guy," Was all I had to say.

"SHOCKINGLY I CAN." Brendon yelled back as Dustin went somewhat scared before grinning widely.

"Good work pulling through my life guard." Dustin said with a wide smile and shook his hand.

Brendon shook Dustin's hand and stared at him oddly before bringing his attention back to me, I stared at him and raised my eyebrows as he stood in front of me and grabbed the sleeve of the sweater finding that it didn't have my arm but he didn't seem to care. "I was thinking about you," He started off earning an 'Aw' from Hilary. Ignoring it completely he continued, "And I have to say that I missed you today."

I look at Brendon as he stared back, his fingers are mindlessly playing with the cuff of the sweater. "Oh." I said lightly feeling the small twist in my stomach, I was fighting it badly I wasn't going to let him win. I heard him sigh and he let go of the sleeve and stuffed his hands into the pockets of his sweater.

"What more do I have to do, kid?" Brendon asked and sat himself down next to me.

I look at him and let out a sigh myself, "I'm not going take the date, Brendon. I can't."

"You mean you won't."

"I can't," I corrected him and bit down on my bottom lip gently. "What if I get dependant on you? And what if I'm in need of you all the time than just the time you give me? It's not fair."

"That's how it kind of works, Ivy. I'm here for you if you like it or not. I saved your life twice I think I'm allowed some dependence. And are you saying you want more time with me?" Brendon asked and brought the sleeve back to him and started to mess with it once again.

"I'm saying I might want to, " I said lightly and started to watch him play with the sleeve. "For more time, I guess."

"Quinn wasn't lying when he said that you're hard to crack." Brendon said with a cracked smile. "Well maybe we can work on getting you back in the water if not then we can sit here and talk about life, love, animals and the unknown."

"I'll take the water." I said a little too quickly. "I'm not going to go in alone."

"No worries, you have your life guard here. And you have to trust me, like fully trust me."

"I'll try." I said with a nervous laugh.

I didn't know if being with Brendon more would confuse me or simply push me into actually feeling something towards him. I didn't know what Brendon could bring to me besides saving me every time I step in the water. I do know that he does care for me, it's just returning that kind of affection back that's giving me trouble. What if one day he does disappear and I happen to be that someone he used to know? I can't be that person again because he would move on and he would have new faces in his life. Then again I think I believe that Brendon wouldn't do that to me. I want it to be true but there's something that tells me otherwise. If he were to disappear on me this very moment I think I would care, I would miss him. It scares me.