Make Amends

She looked at the area surrounding her, observing the bleak feeling permeating from every person in the room. They sat in a circle on uncomfortable chairs in a desolate space.

She brought her attention back to the woman with bright red hair sitting in a different chair then the rest of them. She was bright, and smiling, as if she was trying to show off to the others around her.

The room had fallen silent, and everyone was looking at her expectantly. She quickly grasped that it was her turn to speak, and when she did, she did so hesitantly,

“My name is Logan Henderson… and I have cancer.”

“Hi, Logan,” the seven other people in the group said in unison.

“Um...” she scratched the back of her neck and shifted uncomfortably, “I found out that I came out of remission last month. I have to go back in for my first round of chemo next month.”

“Do you have any family in the San Diego area?” the red head, Kelly, asked.

“No,” Logan responded, probably too quickly, “My brother lives in Arizona.”

“And does he know about your illness?”

Logan looked at her, “It’s not an illness. I’m not crazy. It’s a disease.”

The woman nodded, understandingly, “So you haven’t told him about your disease?”

“I did,” Logan said, “And then I ran away.”

“Why?”

Logan looked down at her feet, searching her brain for the real answer. This was, after all, a therapy group. She knew all of the member’s deepest insecurities and secrets after just this visit. So she answered honestly, “It’s the only thing I know how to do.”

“So you’re scared of your cancer?”

Logan bit her lip, “I’m scared of what it’s going to do to the people I love.”

“What about what it will do to you?”

Logan shrugged, “I can’t change what it will do to me.”

“That’s right, Logan, you can’t. Do you plan to stay in San Diego for your treatment?” Kelly asked.

“I haven’t decided.”

“Logan, would you like to tell the group about the boyfriend you have back home, that you mentioned on your entry form?” Kelly asked.

Well, Logan thought, she didn’t really need to say anything else, “No.”

“Does he know that you’re sick?”

“No.”

“You don’t think he has a right to know?” a woman, probably about forty years old, spoke up.

Logan was caught off guard, but she answered calmly, “Like I said, I’m scared of what it will do to him.”

“How could you do that to him? The woman said. Logan was pretty sure her name was Nora; she hadn’t really been paying attention when anyone else spoke. “That’s so selfish of you.”

“It’s selfish of me to protect the people I love? That makes sense,” Logan said defensively.

“You are not protecting him, you’re tearing him apart. Go back to Arizona and tell him what has happened. If he loves you enough it won’t matter,” Nora said.

“Nora is right, Logan. You’re going to need him, and all of the rest of your family and friends in Arizona,” Kelly said.

“I’m afraid I have burned those bridges.”

Kelly looked at her, “You graduated from UCSD, right? What brought you here besides school?”

“I would rather not talk about it to a bunch of strangers, no offense,” Logan said.

Kelly smiled reassuringly, “Well, that’s what we’re here for. I think that’s enough for this week. I’ll see you all next time.”

Logan was the first out of the room. She wanted to throw up. Being around all those people that showcased what her future would be. Four of the seven people were currently going through chemo-frail bones, pale skin, and bald heads. Two were in remission, and one was the son of a victim of leukemia.

Dr. Stewart had recommended she try this support group when she told him she would be staying in California. She had gotten a bone marrow biopsy last week, and she would soon get the results telling her that she had cancer once again.

Logan hadn’t spoken to anyone in Arizona since she left. Cody had lied for her when Eric and Garrett had called. She was living with him, much to his protest, and hiding away.

She spent her days sleeping and reading and not answering her cell phone. She had it turned off the day she left them. Logan wondered, no, she figured that Garrett had told them about her cancer.

It was only a matter of time before she had to face them.

Logan rode the bus back to Cody’s condo. He had given her a key for while he was at work. She threw her bag on the kitchen table and collapsed on the couch, tears beginning to fall down her face.

She missed John.

She missed his hugs and his heart and the way he loved her. She didn’t understand it, why she couldn’t just accept that he loved her unconditionally. No one would stop loving her when they found out she had cancer.

A knock came to the door. It was probably FedEx or someone delivering something for Cody. She opened it without looking through the peephole, and when she saw the person standing in front of her she lost her breath.

++

John sipped on the mug in his hand slowly as he listened to the monotone voice over the loud speaker. He used his dauber to mark the number the old man had just announced.

“Kid, you got bingo,” the elderly man next to him said.

John looked at the straight line of green dots on his card, not sure how long it had been there. “Huh, I guess I do.”

The man looked at him before taking a drink of his own beer, “John, right?”

John looked at him, “I’m sorry, have we met?”

“James. Commanding Officer James Hollis,” he smiled proudly.

John recognized the man who owned the thrift shop he and Logan had gone to. He shook the man’s hand, “Nice to see you again.”

“Where’s that girlfriend of yours?”

John shook his head and took a sip of his beer, “Wish I could tell you, Jimmy.”

“Oh, no. You two didn’t break up, did you?” James asked, sincerely concerned.

“I’m not really sure. She won’t answer my calls,” John told him.

“She’ll be back. I promise. You two loved each other too much,” James said.

“Well I know I loved her. If she loved me she wouldn’t have ran away,” he said flatly.

“There’s got to be more to the story. Go make her explain it to you,” James said.

“I don’t even know where to look,” John said, “No one knows where she is.”

James patted him on the back, “Can I be invited to the wedding?”

“I wish I had your optimism,” John chuckled.

“Come on, John!”James said, “What kid comes to play bingo with a bunch of old folks on a Friday night?”

“One that doesn’t have anything else to do.”

“Go find her, kid,” James said, “Shower, cut your hair, shave, and go get her.”

John looked at him, “I told you, I don’t know where she is.”

“Go with your gut. You know where she is, even if it’s a place you wish she wasn’t.”

++

Logan stared at him, “What are you doing here?”

“I could ask you the same thing.”

“You should leave,” she said, ready to push the door closed.

He stopped it with his hand, entering as he did, “What the hell were you thinking?”

“Kennedy, I-”

“Don’t give me excuses, Lo. You ran away again, and left everyone a mess again. Why?” he asked.

Logan sighed in defeat and gestured for him to sit at the kitchen table. She sat in the chair next to him, folding her hands and staring at the mahogany wood.

“How is Garrett?” she asked quietly.

“He’s a wreck. He tries to fake it but it’s painfully obvious that he misses you. Why did you run?” Kennedy asked.

“None of your business,” Logan said.

Kennedy stood, pacing around the room, “God, Logan, you can’t keep doing this.”

“I don’t care what you say, Kennedy. You’ll never understand,” Logan said.

“You’re right. I’ll never understand what screwed up things are going through that one-track mind of yours, but I do understand how John feels. And I understand how I feel,” Kennedy said.

“And how do you feel?” she asked.

“My heart is broken, you idiot. You broke my heart four years ago and you broke it last month,” he admitted.

“You can’t break someone’s heart if they don’t love you.”

Kennedy looked at her, his lips forming in a straight line, “Right.”

“Tell everyone I’m sorry,” Logan said quietly, “But I can’t go back.”

“I refuse to be your little messenger. And you have to come back,” Kennedy said.

“Why do you care!? Is it just so you can go back and tell everyone that I’m a horrible person, again?” Logan spat. She wasn’t over it. The way Kennedy acted when he found out she had aborted their baby was unfair. She had to do it for her own health, and she also had to keep that from Kennedy.

But he went home to Arizona and instead of wallowing and getting over it in his own time he added fire to the rumors already spreading by publicly claiming she was the worst product of Arizona.

“Is that what you want me to do!? I will not let you break John like you broke me,” he said defiantly.

“That’s not up to you.”

Kennedy sighed as he took a seat on the couch. She joined him, sitting far away. “You can’t come back to Arizona and make everyone fall in love with you again and then just leave.”

“I didn’t-”

“Do you even realize it? That you automatically make people love you by just talking to them once? It’s not just John. It’s Eric, and Garrett, and even Jared and Pat are upset. Whatever you think you’re doing- protecting them, or whatever- you’re not. You’re only making us-them-miss you more,” Kennedy said sadly.

“You don’t think that if I go back everyone will be angry? I already tried that once and if I can remind you, you were a complete dick,” Logan said.

“It’s different, this time. Logan, I don’t want to bring this up again but you deserved my anger. I may have handled it all wrong, but you did something to me and you ran away. If you go back and you explain it, you have a better chance. John still loves you,” Kennedy said.

“What about you?” Logan questioned.

“What about me?”

“Do you still love me, Kennedy?” she asked, “Or am I just the girl that you used to know, that took away your future when I left?”

He stared at her, “I have always loved you, Logan.”

“Oh, whatever,” she scoffed.

“I hated what you did and I hated that you fooled me. But that person that you were before you took away my child, I loved that girl. And when you came back, I saw her again. And when we talked the whole trip to San Diego, I saw her. But right now, I see that girl that broke my heart because I feel it all over again,” Kennedy said.

Logan looked at him and she saw the man she thought she would always marry and raise a family with. He was begging her to come back in order for her to make things right with another man. He cared for her, and that’s all she had ever asked for.

She didn’t know why she couldn’t just say it. She had cancer. It would affect Kennedy most. He would wreck himself with guilt for all of those things he had said to her. He would be angry that she had let him say those things.

But then he would realize he was wrong. He would attach to her and help her, like she always hoped he would.

But Logan couldn’t tell him. There was a reason she didn’t tell him four years ago. The band was going on their first tour and he was so, so happy. He was excited for the baby. He even made plans, and told all the guys and the record executives. They arranged everything. They would tour up until a month before her due date.

Then the band would take a break and record an album at their own pace. It was all too good to be true. She found out about the cancer on her three month check up after a routine blood check. And from there it was a whirlwind of secret plans and heartbreaking decisions. She had tried to make it obvious, by slowly drifting away. She didn’t even go to any of The Maine’s practices, or meet their lead singer.

She left for a reason. If Kennedy and Garrett found out she was sick, there would be no band. They wouldn’t, or couldn’t, simply adjust their tour and recording schedules to work around her chemotherapy.

Logan was justified to leave. Their band took off, obviously, and they moved on without worrying about her. She made it through chemo and beat the cancer once, but it was hard; so hard that she wasn’t sure she could do it again.

“Did you drive all the way here?” Logan asked.

“Stole my dad’s truck because my car was in the shop. Eric gave me this address,” Kennedy said, “Were you just hiding when we came looking for you last month?”

She nodded her head and Kennedy rolled his eyes, “Everyone thought you got kidnapped or something until John showed us the note.”

“I didn’t take care of everything that I needed to here,” Logan said.

“Well you left a lot of unfinished business in Arizona. So make your pick,” Kennedy said, “But please, please choose us.”

Logan bit her lip and opened her mouth so speak before her cell phone rang. She excused herself before answering it.

“Hi, doctor Stewart.”

“Logan, I need you to come down here as soon as possible,” he said urgently.

“Is everything okay?” she asked, worried at his unusual tone.

“Can you be here in twenty minutes?”

“Yes,” she replied before hanging up.

Logan scribbled an address on a piece of paper and handed it to Kennedy, “Go here and order the spaghetti. If I’m not back by the time you finish, go home without me.”

Kennedy looked at her strangely, “I can’t leave without you.”

She slung her purse under her arm, “You might have to.”

She drove to the cancer center in a rush and was met by Dr. Stewart at the front. He began talking quickly as he led her to his office.

“So I’ve been asking around about treatment options and I think I’ve found the perfect choice,” he said.

“Treatment options?”

“In Phoenix there is a hospital, Sunrise, and they have a board member who specializes in leukemia patients, specifically ones who come out of remission,” he said excitedly.

“I thought you would just treat me…?” Logan questioned.

“Logan, this doctor, he does stem cell transplants,” the man said.

“You do, too,” Logan said.

“Logan, people go to this man to live. They have more resources there and more time. The Moore Center is for research and treatment. I can’t be your doctor anymore and Dr. Brock, he can,” Dr. Stewart said.

Logan swore her whole body froze as the pit of her stomach began to ache, making her want to cry, “I know Dr. Brock.”

“He knows you, too. I don’t want to know what your issue with the people in Arizona is, but he called me. He knew you were in remission and I guess when you didn’t come back he figured you were sick again. He wants to help,” he said.

“Why can’t you just do it?” Logan asked.

He sighed, taking off his glasses and massaging either side of the bridge of his nose. “Logan, my specialty isn’t even leukemia. I remember the first day you came in. Do you?”

She nodded her head, blushing a little.

“You were wearing sweats and you obviously hadn’t slept in days. You walked right up to me and stuck your records in my face and you said, ‘I need a doctor.’ I told you once that you reminded me of my little sister, right?”

“Yes. You said she was stubborn and headstrong, too,” Logan chuckled.

He smiled at the memory before his face fell serious again, “Logan, my sister died. The doctors couldn’t save her. If this happens to you I will never forgive myself for not trying. You have to go, Logan, please do it for me.”

In her four years knowing him she hadn’t ever seen Dr. Stewart get emotional. He was all business, never wearing his emotions on his sleeve. But now he was begging her to go home.

“Dr. Brock wants to help you, too. He said he’s doing it for his son, whatever that means,” Dr. Stewart said.

Logan looked at him, “What time is it?”

“Two-thirty,” he said.

She bit her lip. Her time to get to Kennedy was running out. “Will you fax all of my records to Dr. Brock?”

“Already done,” he said.

She stood, “I’ll call you when I get there.”

“Logan, there’s one more thing,” Dr. Stewart said, standing as well. He handed her an envelope, one that she recognized.

It was the results of her bone marrow biopsy.

He opened his arms to hug her, “Let those boys that love you help you, okay?”

She nodded her head against his chest, “Save a bunch of lives for me, okay?”

He pulled her away, keeping his hands on her shoulders, “You got it.”

Logan left the center, hugging the nurses and receptionists, promising to give them all updates. As she hugged each one she noticed a common theme of the things they whispered in her ears. Every one of them told her to stay strong, and to use the people that loved her.

She climbed into the taxi she had called and as she told the man where to go, she looked back up at the place that had been her home not so long ago, and she smiled. She was sick and soon she could be dying as the cancer spread, but at least she had a place where she was loved that could heal her.

She dialed Kennedy’s number and begged him to wait and at that point she wasn’t sad; no, she was ready to actually go home.