Make Amends

One breath in, one breath out.

She did as her fuzzy brain said and it quickly became a struggle. She could feel the contents in her stomach begging to rise up and she couldn’t deny them any longer. She sat up quickly and leaned over to the side where her bed pan sat. Vomit spewed from her lips and she started crying just like she always did.

Someone held her hair back and helped lay her back down gently as she wiped her mouth with a napkin that came with the lunch the hospital had provided hours ago.

Logan looked at Garrett and saw him concerned eyes. She tried to smile reassuringly but she was so tired. She only allowed Garrett and Eric in these past couple of days. She didn’t want the rest of her friends seeing her like this.

It had only been a few hours since her most recent dose of treatment, and she would get another in a few more hours. She felt awful, but each time she fell asleep and woke up she felt a little bit better.

“Garrett, will you go get me some cold water?” she asked.

“Sure,” he smiled before leaving.

Eric stood from his seat across the room and stood at her side. She moved to the far end of the bed and looked up at him, begging him to lie next to her. He gladly did as she asked before he offered her a mint that she graciously accepted.

She rested her head on his chest and inhaled the sweet smell of his fabric softener, “This is what I needed.”

“You think you can eat at all? The nurses said we need to keep trying,” he said.

Logan knew the importance but last time she tried to eat a few pieces of bread it came right back up, “Maybe later.”

He kissed the top of her head, “You’re doing great, Lo.”

Her phone vibrated next to her and when she didn’t look at it, Halvo did. “It’s from John. You have about a million unread messages though.”

“Will you text them back for me? I feel like I can’t even hold my phone,” she said tiredly.

“Dear Kennedy,” Eric pretended to begin tapping at the touch screen and spoke in a high voice, “I love you with my whole heart and you are soooo hot.”

She hit his stomach, “Shut up.”

“What’s going on with that, anyways?”

She shrugged, “I don’t even know. Let’s not talk about it.”

“Fine,” he said.

They stayed silent for a while and Logan kept her eyes shut tight but couldn’t find sleep. Eric played with the ends of her hair for a while before he spoke, “Who would you rather? Jennifer Aniston or Courtney Cox?”

She laughed softly, “Jennifer Aniston.”

“Drew Barrymore or Cameron Diaz?”

“Drew Barrymore before she married Tom Green,” she replied.

“Penelope Cruz or Salma Hayek?”

“Salma Hayek,” she said, smiling at Eric’s game that he knew would cheer her up.

“John or Kennedy?”

She looked up at him immediately and he smiled guiltily. She rolled her eyes and shook her head, “Been there, done that.”

He poked her side, “Oh my God, you little slut!”

“Don’t pretend like John didn’t tell you,” she said.

“I’m glad you’re comfortable with it because I have some questions,” he said.

She giggled, “Leave me alone.”

“I’ll let it pass because you’re sick. But once you’re better you are not going to hear the end of it,” he warned.

Logan fell asleep again for a few hours before the nurses woke her up again for an injection. Penny smiled warmly at her and she grunted, “That smile isn’t going to get you anywhere, Penny. This sucks.”

She laughed softly, “I know, dear. You going to let those boys come in within the next decade?”

“Which boys?”

Penny rolled her eyes before she dabbed cotton on the spot she injected. She opened the door to her room and Logan looked out to see Kennedy and John sitting in chairs in the hallway. They looked up at her eagerly and she knew now that she couldn’t deny them any longer.

She waved them in because this would be the best she was before the new round hit her. Garrett and Eric were sitting at the other end of the room playing a game of chess like they actually knew what they were doing. John and Kennedy joined her at the sides of her bed.

It wasn’t awkward like it should have been. Neither of them was thinking about the topic that they knew was looming over them. But she was. Thinking about anything other than how awful she felt made it bearable.

“Hey,” John said quietly, moving the hair off her forehead and resting his hand casually on the top of her head, “Rough day?”

“No, I feel awesome,” she said tiredly.

John smiled at her joke but Kennedy kept a straight face. His hands were on his hips and he was surveying all the tubes connected to her body. There was way too much to make her comfortable, another precaution by Dr. Brock.

“Kennedy,” she said, getting his attention.

He finally looked at her, “Yep?”

“I like your haircut,” she said, just trying to make conversation.

He gave her a strange look before his lips broke into a small smile, “Thanks.”

Eric joined them at her bedside with a big, stupid smile on his face. John laughed, “Yes, Halvo?”

“I saw Logan’s butt!”

“Eric!” she hushed.

“She got up to go to the bathroom and that gown does not do her justice,” he smiled.

John and Kennedy laughed and Logan threw a roll from her lunch at Eric. “It’s not like everyone here hasn’t seen it.”

John and Halvo continued laughing, doing a not so discreet fist bump to her side. But Kennedy wasn’t laughing, and Logan noticed. Her heart beat became faster when she realized that he probably wasn’t aware she was having sex with John.

Shouldn’t he have figured that, though? They are adults and it was their business. So why did she feel so guilty?

Garrett walked to the door, “I’m leaving because I do not want to hear about my sister’s sex life.”

“I’ll drive you home,” Kennedy mumbled before leaving without a goodbye.

Logan soon began to feel the effects of the day’s treatments as the sun began to go down. Penny came in and told them that they had to leave. She would be able to go home with them tomorrow.

John kissed her cheek and Eric blew her a kiss before they left. The room was dark and she was left alone with her thoughts. She had a television in her room but nothing was interesting to her, and her eyes couldn’t accurately focus on the small screen anyways.

She thought of the look on Kennedy’s face and was perplexed. Why was he so upset, and why was she stressing out about it? Logan almost felt bad for him since he was so in the dark about everything, especially because this wasn’t the first time.

Hours later she heard a knock on her door. She expected it to be a nurse checking on her, but she saw the silhouette of a skinny boy. He closed the door, leaving the room dark except for the lights outside shining through the window. Once he got closer she saw that it was Kennedy.

He sat down next to her bed, “Hey.”

She pressed down on the button that made her bed sit upward. She shifted and got an instant headache that caused her to squeeze her eyes shut.

Kennedy placed his hand on her forearm and frowned, “You’re burning up.”

“Yeah, the nurses want me to sweat it out. They said soon my body will get used to it,” she said.

“Well,” Kennedy said as he reached into a grocery bag he had brought in, “This should help.”

He handed her a pint of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream. She smiled, “Ah, Chunky Monkey—the way to my heart.”

“I always knew that, didn’t I?” he smiled as he took out two spoons and handed one to her.

“This is making me feel much better already,” she said, “Thanks.”

“Oh! I brought milk, too, because I know you’re one of those kinds of people,” he said.

“How can you eat ice cream without drinking milk? It’s a necessity,” she said as she took a drink of the carton of milk. She knew none of this would taste good coming up, but she didn’t care. She was finally getting an appetite for something.

“You’re so weird,” he laughed. They made more small talk until she started to feel sick again. Kennedy put the milk and ice cream into the refrigerator in the nurses’ lounge before he came back and took the same seat.

“I was a little worried about you today, Brock,” she said, letting out a breath and keeping her eyes closed.

“Why?” he asked.

“You looked like you saw a ghost,” Logan said.

He sighed out loud, “Sorry, Lo, for stressing you out. This is just really hard for me.”

“Tell me about it,” she said.

“I said I was sorry,” he said shortly.

“No,” she said, holding her hand out, “Really tell me about it.”

He took her hand and studied it, turning it over in his own. Finally he gripped it, “You know I hate seeing you in pain.”

“Ah yes,” she tried to laugh, “You cried when I broke my arm when we were seven.”

“It just… sucks to know I can’t do anything to help,” he said.

“You can do this,” Logan said, giving his hand a squeeze.

“Isn’t that what John is for?” he asked.

She shrugged, “John isn’t my boyfriend.”

“Not officially, right?” he asked.

“Does that matter? My feelings are a mess, Kenny. I don’t know what I want,” she said.

Before he could respond her door opened. She almost panicked before she saw Kennedy smile, “Hi, Penny.”

“Hey there, Kennedy. You know that visiting hours ended,” she said.

“I left some ice cream in the refrigerator downstairs,” he said smoothly.

She laughed, “You don’t need to butter me up. Logan, I brought you some medicine for the nausea.”

Logan held out her hand and gulped the drugs down easily and quickly. Penny bid them a goodnight before shutting the door again. Kennedy smiled, “The perks of having a dad on the board are endless.”

“I owe him one, then,” she said groggily, apparently feeling the effects of the medicine now. They stayed silent for a while, still holding hands. When Kennedy thought she was asleep she spoke, “Hey, Kennedy?”

He sat up eagerly, “Yeah?”

She opened her eyes, “Lay with me?”

He smiled softly and nodded his head. She scooted to the side of the bed and he joined her. She immediately cuddled into his side and he cradled her, resting his chin atop her head. Her breathing was timed and measured and he figured she was about to give in to the sleep.

“Logan?” Kennedy whispered.

“Yes?” she sighed.

“I love you,” he said.

“Me, too,” she replied.

“No…” he explained, “I love you, as in I am in love with you.”

She nodded her head, “I love you too, baby bird.”

He laughed softly at the nickname, “Go to sleep.”

She tilted her head up, her eyes still closed and puckered her lips ever so slightly. Kennedy kissed her lips chastely, like old friends did. It wasn’t romantic, mostly because she was almost passed out but partly because it was a simple kiss that wouldn’t have meant anything either way.

But Kennedy embraced her even tighter as she gave in to the sleep. They slept like that until the morning.

Penny awoke them and the second Logan opened her eyes she sat forward and leaned over the edge of her bed, throwing up into the trash can that was perfectly placed. Kennedy held her hair back and patted her back as she cried her way through it.

She felt weaker than she had since the beginning, but somehow managed to make it to the bathroom to comb her hair and brush her teeth. Penny helped her get dressed and tried to coax her into eating breakfast, but the thought of food made her sick.

John and Garrett came later that afternoon to pick her up.

“Kennedy, you should go home,” she told him.

“Are you sure?” he asked, realizing she probably didn’t remember anything from the night before.

“Yeah, I’ll see you later,” she said, giving him her best smile.

On the ride home she had to practically stick her head out the window because the car felt so stuffy.

“How did you sleep?” John asked.

“Pretty well,” Logan said, “Kennedy stayed with me.”

“Oh,” he said distantly, “That’s nice.”

She ignored his obvious detachment from the subject. When they arrived at their apartment Logan looked at the stair case that looked so much more menacing then it ever had. She had sunglasses over her eyes and the sun was becoming so demanding. She took one step up, and it took forever for the other foot to follow.

She was getting feelings of vertigo only a few inches off the ground. Her legs felt like they were one hundred pounds each and it was hard to imagine finishing her trek. She only made it a few steps before John put his hand on her back.

“Do you want me to carry you the rest of the way?”

It had only been a week since he asked this question after her catheter procedure, but now she wouldn’t be so stubborn. She just didn’t have it in her.

But it still pained her to admit what she had to. She nodded her head and sighed, “I don’t think I can make it.”

He carried her in his arms all the way up and even to her bedroom. “If you wouldn’t mind, I’d just like to be alone.”

He nodded his head and kissed her forehead, “Call me later.”

She agreed before curling up in her bed and burying her face in her pillow. She started crying out of frustration, just wanting the headache to dissipate. It was then that she remembered her words with Kennedy last night.

They didn’t surprise her, not at all. Because she was pretty sure felt the same way. She wasn’t sure she had ever stopped loving him. The meaningless kiss started to mean more than it should have.

She thought back to what Penny had said last week. Cancer can take everything physical, but it’s your choice what else it takes.

Logan closed her eyes and tried to calm down. She couldn’t let it take everything. That would be giving in and that would be weak which is what she refused to be. She had to confront this, like it would be the last thing she did.