Make Amends

Logan lay in her bed, staring up at the ceiling. The blanket was pulled up to her bust but soon it would be thrown on the floor in one of her episodes. It was six in the morning and she had been awake all night, having slept throughout the day before.

She had locked herself in her room for a few days, only leaving to get food. She didn’t let anyone in and ignored every call and text. But today she felt better, and now that she was wide awake, she was bored.

She heard a knocking on her door.

“Garrett, I don’t want to play video games,” she said.

“Logan, open this door right now!” Her heart beat sped up at the sound of Kennedy’s voice. He continued, “I’m not leaving until you show me you’re alive!”

She tip toed to the door and opened it, letting him in, “You’re going to wake Garrett.”

“Who do you think called me? He’s worried sick,” Kennedy said.

She wrapped her arms around herself, “I just haven’t been feeling well.”

“You look awful.”

“I have cancer,” she said defensively.

“No, I mean, when was the last time you showered? Seriously,” he said. Kennedy walked to the window and opened the blinds before letting the fresh air billow in.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m going to clean your room and make breakfast. You’re going to shower and shave and wash your hair. Deal?” he said as he began stripping the sheets off her bed.

“Kennedy, I can barely eat anything,” she said.

“It’ll be light. Now go shower, stinky,” he said, pushing her into the bathroom.

She did as he said and undressed quickly, being careful not to look at herself in the mirror. She showered in ice cold water and the seemingly permanent nausea washed down the drain. When she stepped out she wrapped a robe around her shrinking frame and opened the door to her bedroom.

“Here,” Kennedy said, handing her clothes, “Put these on.”

She looked at the jeans and shirt in her hands, “Can’t I just wear sweats?”

“No,” he said sternly, “Because then you’re just going to crawl back up in bed.”

She grumbled something about Kennedy being a bossy jerk before putting on the clothes. Then Kennedy led her out to the kitchen where a plate was waiting.

“You think you can eat it?” he asked.

She looked at the bowl of oatmeal and the apple sitting next to it, “If I must.”

She ate it surprisingly quickly and had to pace herself better on her second serving. Once she was done she smiled at Kennedy, “Thank you.”

“What do you want to do today?” he asked.

“Honestly?”

“Not if you’re about to tell me you want to go to sleep,” he said.

“I want to go to church.”

“What?” he asked.

“To church. I haven’t been since before I left,” she said.

“Me either. I don’t even know if the service times are still the same,” Kennedy said.

“They are,” Logan told him.

He sighed, “Well, we’ve got twenty minutes to get there.”

She smiled, “I’ll drive.”

He laughed as when she stood he held her steady, “No, I’ll drive.”

Logan followed Kennedy out to his car and he drove them to the familiar church. A wave of memories flooded the both of them. Sunday mornings spent in Sunday school, as students and then teachers. Plays, sermons, worship, weddings, funerals, breakdowns, uplifts… everything happened here.

“It’s kind of eerie, huh?” Kennedy asked as they approached the building.

“Yeah,” she said, sliding her arm to link with his.

The old woman at the door gasped when she saw them, “Kennedy and Logan? I never thought I’d see the day.”

“Hi, Mary,” Kennedy said, “You look great.”

“So do you, handsome.” She turned her attention to Logan, holding her hands tenderly, “I heard about the cancer. I lost Henry last year, so if you need to talk… either of you—I’m here.”

“Thanks, Mary,” Logan smiled.

They walked through the foyer quickly, saying hi to all of the people that recognized them but at the same time avoiding them. All they did was gush about how cute the two of them ended up and then offer Logan their condolences.

They sat down and Logan flipped through the program anxiously. She felt like she was being judged already. Even though by now most of them had figured she didn’t get an abortion for selfish reasons.

She felt God was judging her for denying him so long.

“Um, hey.”

Logan and Kennedy looked into the green eyes of Jacob Allen. He stood awkwardly in front of them, scratching the back of his neck. They stayed silent.

He looked directly at Logan, “I heard about your cancer.”

“Okay,” she said, puzzled.

“And I wanted to say sorry.”

“Oh, for what Jacob?” she asked, just annoyed by his presence.

Jake represented all of her old friends. Except they were never really friends because he was always a jerk. But all of them took Kennedy’s side and she let them. So now that they had all heard it was all a mistake, they were slowly filtering back.

She got random calls and texts from people she hadn’t said a word to in four years, because they felt bad. Logan didn’t mind it, in fact she embraced it. They were just innocent bystanders that were stupid enough to only believe one side of the story.

It was just a misunderstanding, and she was so far past holding grudges. It was time to make amends.

“I wanted to apologize for how I treated you. I was completely inappropriate,” he said.

She sighed, “I forgive you.”

“I’ve always liked you guys, you know. I was jealous even. I’m sorry I wasted so much time tearing you down. I hope you both can forgive me,” he said.

Logan and Kennedy exchanged looks before she spoke, “We forgive you.”

He smiled, “I’ll pray for you, Lo.”

“Thanks,” she said, “But there’s one more thing. Apologize for telling Kennedy that we did something before I left.”

“Wh-what?” he stammered.

“I know that you told him we hooked up right before I left. Tell him it wasn’t true,” Logan said.

“Of course it wasn’t true,” Jake said bashfully, “I’m sorry.”

Kennedy nodded his head and stuck out his hand which Jake gladly shook, “We’ll see you.”

Jacob left them and Logan looked at Kennedy, “Awkward…”

He laughed lightly, “I can’t say I blame him. Guilt is unbearable.”

The music started and everyone stood. They clapped along to the live band’s worship songs but none of it was reaching her heart. She was still too angry.

The sermon was being preached by a new pastor. He was young and vibrant and funny. He spoke about forgiveness, of course. Logan wasn’t listening, she wasn’t interested. She was talking to God on her own.

But the only questions he could keep repeating was why me? And there was never an answer. Never a clue from the Supreme Being she had shown such loyalty to when she was a kid. He was ignoring her just like she had ignored him.

Logan was ready to crawl out of her skin because she was so uncomfortable when she noticed everyone around her standing. She tuned in to his words now,

“The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace. Everyone, have a great day.”

Logan and Kennedy made their way out but she stopped him, “I’m going to go to the bathroom.”

“I’ll be in the car,” he told her.

She waited until he was gone before going back into the church and waiting behind the crowd of people waiting to speak to the pastor. Finally it was her turn.

He gave her a warm smile, “New around here?”

“Kind of,” she said, “I’m Logan.”

“Logan Henderson?”

“Nickelsen, actually,” she said, “How do you know me?”

“You’ve been in our prayer requests since before I got here. Mary submitted your name. We pray for your guidance and that you find peace.”

“Can you add my health to that list? I have cancer,” she told him.

“I’m very sorry to hear that. Is that what you hoped to talk about?” he asked.

“No, no. I actually had a question. The last verse you said… what if God isn’t shining his face on me? What if I’m waiting and He is doing nothing?” she asked.

He looked her right in the eyes, “Why do you think that?”

“Because I’ve been waiting. I need an answer for why God is doing this to me,” she said.

“That’s not what you need,” he said, “You know why God did this, you want to know if he’s going to let you live.”

“Well of course,” Logan said.

“And you also know that you can’t get that answer.”

“You’re not really helping,” she told him.

“You have to stop blaming God, Logan. And you have to stop blaming yourself,” he said.

“I don’t blame myself,” she said defensively.

“Yeah, you do. You think God is punishing you, you think you hurt all your friends. Notice a common theme here?” he asked.

“So what do I do?” she asked quietly.

He smiled randomly, “You know that verse? About knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope?

“Sure,” she said.

“It ends in saying that hope doesn’t produce shame.”

She nodded her head, “Right.”

“Well, that’s all,” he shrugged, “I can’t give you any more answer than that. Suffering doesn’t lead to shame. Don’t be ashamed, Logan. Embrace it.”

She nodded her head and he bid him a goodbye. It wasn’t like he had said anything groundbreaking or even something she didn’t know. But it wasn’t God’s fault, and it wasn’t hers. Things happen, and while there may never be a reason, she will have to deal.

Now she knew she had to stop dwelling on the fact of why she was sick and focus on the fact that she was, and if she fought hard enough she could beat it. She had to beat it.

Logan met Kennedy in his car and he looked at her, “Did you get the answer you needed?”

“How did you know?”

He shrugged, “I just did.”

She nodded her head, “Well, yes, I did.”

He smiled, “Good. Want to know how I really knew?”

“Yes,” she laughed.

“No one spends ten minutes in the bathroom except Garrett,” he said.

Logan laughed out loud, “Awesome. Can we go back to your house? I need to see John.”

His face changed and they didn’t really talk on the drive home. She pretended to be oblivious to his obvious jealousy.

They got to his house and Logan went into John’s room and roused him from his sleep. He was shirtless and completely knocked out. He was still in jeans and when he opened his eyes she knew he was hung over.

“Fun night last night?” she laughed.

“We went to a club,” he sighed, “I think I’m getting too old for that.”

“Who all went?” Logan asked.

“All the boys. We tried to invite you, Miss,” he said, mocking anger as he tapped his fingers against her hand.

“I was too busy throwing up the contents of my stomach. Much like you will be in a few minutes,” she said.

“What are you doing here?” he asked.

“Kennedy forced me out of bed and we went to church,” Logan said.

“That’s why you look so much better,” he said, sitting up.

“I feel all right,” she smiled, “Want some lunch? I’ll make it for you.”

“You’re a great… girl friend?” he questioned.

She bit her lip, “I’m a great friend.”

He sighed, nodding his head, “A friend that has cancer and can’t focus on having a relationship. Right.”

She gave him a smile that was sympathetic but also a thanks for understanding, “Shower. I’ll make food.”

Logan walked across the hall and opened the door to Kennedy’s room. He sat on his bed strumming the guitar she had gotten him so many years ago. She smiled, “I’m making lunch. Want some?”

“Sure,” he said, not looking up. He was strumming a familiar tune that she couldn’t quite place. She went into the kitchen and observed the contents of their fridge and cabinets, realizing they really didn’t have much. She decided quesadillas were a safe bet.

“Boys!” she called when it was ready.

They made their way out and sat around the counter eating the food quickly. Logan ate so slow it was paining her because she actually was hungry. But she had to pace herself so she didn’t throw up.

Logan looked at the two boys who ate in silence; the most important men in her life, besides Garrett. Before she never thought of herself as in a love triangle, but here she was.

She was kidding herself if she thought she would stop loving Kennedy. But was it enough to try again? Or had they proven that they couldn’t work? Maybe the feelings were just residual, just stains of what once was.

But sometimes when he looked at her she got butterflies and if she could change the past she would in a second. But just like the cancer, things happen, and she had to move past it. But she had been trying for four years, and it was never harder.

But she was so attracted to John, and he was so caring. She fell for him so quick, and she did love him. It was possible to be in love with two people, obviously.

But one person she loved for who he was, and the other she loved for the better person he made her. And the latter was more important at this point.