Make Amends

John waited anxiously in the front seat of the van, biting his tongue from yelling at Jared. He wanted to scream at him and tell him to go faster, to press down on the gas and get him home.

It had been two months since he had seen her at all. God, did he miss her while he was away. She was busy with classes and it was always so hard to find service, so their communication had been desperately lacking.

But he would be home for a few weeks this time, and they could start making plans. They could book the hall, pick the colors, choose flowers. He knew that she probably had it all figured out, but he couldn’t wait. If it was up to him, they’d get married tomorrow.

Finally they arrived at his apartment that he shared with his fiancée. He jumped out of the van and didn’t say goodbye, he was already through the door before he knew it.

“Autumn?” he called into the empty living room. He walked through the winding hallway and opened the bedroom door, “Baby?”

But as he finished his coo his eyes fell to a sight he couldn’t stand to see. His fiancée was beneath another man that stared back at John blankly. She gasped, “Oh, John.”

He couldn’t find any words, and eventually Autumn pushed the boy off of her. She scrambled to put clothes on but John was already walking away from her. He stood in the living room with his back to the front door and waited until he heard it shut before turning around.

“John…” she said cautiously.

“Wh- what the hell?” he questioned angrily.

“I was going to tell you,” she said sadly, “It wasn’t supposed to get this far.”

“You don’t want to marry me?” he asked.

“I can’t marry someone I only see three months of a year, John, be realistic,” she said.

“So you cheat on me instead of having the guts to say no?” he asked angrily.

“Don’t make this any worse, John,” she said calmly.

“I didn’t make it worse in the first place, Autumn!” he yelled, “Get out of my house.”

“It’s my house too,” she scoffed.

“No,” he said angrily, “I offered it to you when I thought you loved me. Obviously I was mistaken so you can get the hell out of here before I say a lot worse things to you.”

She sighed, “You’re hopeless, O’Callaghan.”

He took in a deep breath, “Get out.”

And she left. She packed a small bag and never came back for the rest of her things. He threw them away, erased her number, and promised he wouldn’t fall in love with a girl like her again.

Logan sat with one leg folded over the other in an uncomfortable chair. Her leg was bouncing up and down in anticipation.

“Calm down,” John laughed.

She sighed, “I just hate places like these.”

“Yeah, the people give me the creeps,” he agreed.

She looked around U.S. National Bank; the ugly, bland walls and incessant tapping of keyboards made her want to scream. She felt sick and tired and just wanted to go home.

“Okay, Miss Henderson, you’re all set,” the teller said as he once again took his spot behind the desk.

“It all went through? My dad’s money is all transferred?” she asked.

“Yes. Everything is in your name and you can do whatever with it you’d like,” he smiled.

She stood and shook his hand, “Thank you.”

He shook John’s next, “Don’t spend it all in one place.”

They laughed lightly before practically running out of the bank. As John drove she leaned her head against the window. Her eyes closed calmly and she adjusted the air conditioning so it was blowing right on her.

“You okay?”

“Yeah,” she forced a smile, “Thanks for coming with me today. I just really needed to take care of it.”

“No problem, Lo. When do you go back in for the next treatment?” he asked.

“Two days.”

“Well we definitely need to make the best of it,” he said.

“I agree. Every recovery period will get worse, along with the treatment,” she said.

His phone began ringing and Logan took it from his hands, “If I die from anything it’s going to be cancer, not a car accident.”

He laughed and she answered with a ‘hello.’

“Hey baby-” Eric paused, “Wait, who is this? I meant to call John.”

“And you greet John like that?” she laughed.

“Yes, Logan, I do. Don’t judge me,” he said, “What are you guys doing?”

“Driving home from the bank. Why?” she asked.

“I need to see you as soon as possible. It’s totally urgent. Have John drop you off at my house,” he said.

“I’m so tired, Halvo,” she said.

“I have ice cream.”

“See you in five,” she said before hanging up.

“Ditching me for my best friend?” he asked.

“He said it’s urgent. He probably needs to go shopping or something,” she rolled her eyes.

John dropped her off and she didn’t bother to knock on Halvo’s door. He wasn’t in the living room or kitchen so she opened his bedroom door and peeked in.

“Eric?”

“Come in,” he said despondently.

She walked in and found him laying in bed, “Are you naked under there?”

“If I say no will you lay next to me?” he asked.

She laughed and with a shake of her head laid down next to him, “What’s wrong?”

“I feel really lonely lately.”

“You and me both,” she said, kicking off her shoes and crawling under the blankets.

“Oh cry me a river, Nickelsen. You’ve got two guys in love with you, and I’ve got none!” he whined.

“I’m sorry, Halvo, how selfish of me to take all the guys. Maybe we should try to find some eligible bachelors for you,” she replied.

“You know what I mean,” he said, giving her a dirty look.

“So what are you going to do about it?” she asked.

“You tell me! I need a best friend day.”

She combed her fingers through his hair to pat down the mess, “Okay, go shower.”

“Will you join me?” he asked.

“Tempting, but no.”

He kissed her nose before smiling and scurrying off, all the while proving he was in fact naked. She covered her eyes.

Once Eric showered Logan laid out all of his clothes, her favorite shirt, pants, and shoes that he owned. He let her drive his car.

“Why do you feel lonely?” she asked.

He shrugged, “I want a girlfriend.”

“Eric Halvorsen wanting to settle down? I never thought I’d see the day,” she commented.

He faked a laugh, “Very funny. I don’t know, if we’re being honest your cancer had really put things into perspective.”

“How so?”

“I just… I want to live the way I should and try everything. That’s what you’re doing, right?” he asked.

“Sure…” she muttered. And the car fell silent and Logan was trapped with only her thoughts and whatever song was playing on the radio. Why wasn’t she experiencing everything she hadn’t ever done?

The living hell within her worst nightmare that she was currently living would be stuck in her death bed wishing for the days when she was able to do things. She couldn’t have any regrets, she refused.

Logan parked at the mall and Eric looked at her unbelievingly, “Are we going to troll for sixteen year olds?”

“I have a plan,” she said, pulling him along.

Logan and Eric walked in to stores aimlessly, but once they entered a privately owned boutique Logan turned to him.

“Follow my lead, okay?” she said, her hands on his shoulders.

“Are we going to get me a date!?” he asked, excited.

“Shh,” she calmed him, “Now pretend to look at those blouses over there.”

He did as she said and Logan approached the young blonde that was folding jeans in a corner of the store.

“Excuse me…” Logan started, “I was wondering if you could help me.”

“Sure,” the girl smiled. Her nametag read Noel.

“My brother over there,” she pointed at Halvo, “Is supposed to be buying me a birthday present. And I don’t really trust him. He knows what I like but he’s a little bit challenged when it comes to girl’s fashion.”

“Aren’t they all?” she laughed.

“Definitely. So I was wondering if while I go to another store you could help him? And make sure he doesn’t get anything horrible?”

“No problem,” Noel said, “Don’t worry about a thing.”

“Thank you,” Logan said. As Noel finished the rack she was stacking Logan walked over to Eric.

“Be cool. Find me in the food court,” she told him before leaving.

Logan ordered a smoothie and sat at a table alone in the crowded food court. She observed the people around her, ranging from infants to elderly. She had always enjoyed people watching, not in the creepy way, just because it was interesting.

There were two teenage girls a few tables from her. They were both laughing and leaned in close to each other, probably telling secrets. It made Logan think back to high school, when all of her friends were boys. Sometimes she wished desperately for a girlfriend that she could spill her secrets to.

That place was usually filled by Halvo or Garrett, but only when she needed to talk about Kennedy. Any other time, it was Kennedy. He always knew the perfect time to switch gears and be her friend, he knew when to hug her instead of kiss, or when to empathize or tell her she was ridiculous.

There was a woman in her thirties that had a baby bouncing on one knee and a toddler eating quietly across the table. Soon a man joined them, carrying food to his wife.

Logan couldn’t help but smile at them and silently pray she would get the chance to have kids. She always wanted to be a mom. Even when she got pregnant so young; once the original shock had subsided, she realized how excited she was.

But the thought of having kids terrified her. She didn’t want to pass this disease on, to make them feel as if they had no way out. Logan went through a period of time that she hated her dad. She blamed him for this disease.

It of course eventually passed, but it was so simple to blame him and that made her scared for what her kids would feel. It was enough to convince her to never have kids.

There was an old woman with mounds of bags around her. She had sad eyes and a frail body, but a wedding ring was around her finger. Maybe her husband was at home, or she was a widow. God, what she would give to live to be that age.

“Well, well, well. If it isn’t the missing woman,” she heard from behind her.

She turned and smiled at the old man, “Jimmy?”

He sat down across from her, “Last I heard that boyfriend of yours was searching for you.”

“I uh… needed some time. But I’m back for good,” she told him.

“Still with John?” he asked.

“Not technically. I-I have cancer… so I’m not really focused on that,” Logan told him.

He gasped and then covered her hand with his, “I am so sorry. You’ve started treatment?”

“Yep,” she told him, “I’ve done it before though, so my head is in a pretty good place.”

“I don’t care how many times you’ve been through it, there is no way your head is in a good place,” he said.

Logan shrugged, “Maybe not.”

“So is it apart of your treatment to sit at the mall alone?” he laughed a little.

“I’m waiting for a friend. I was just people watching,” she told him.

“You should come down to the shop. I’ve got some new things that you’d really like,” he told her.

“I’ll try to come by next week. It was really great seeing you, Jimmy. You’re a good man,” she said.

He squeezed her hand before standing up, “I lost my wife to cancer a few years ago, Logan. She died with no regrets but still with everything to live for. I like to think she died happy.”

“I’m sure she did,” Logan gave him a smile.

“See you soon,” he said before walking away.

Soon after Eric sat down in the seat Jimmy had warmed. He grinned, “I got a phone number!”

“Good!” she cheered, “How will you repay me?”

He dropped the bag on the table, “I couldn’t say no to her so naturally she suggested the most expensive items. We’re even.”

Logan laughed, “Perfect.”

They got back in the car and Eric drove them to John and Kennedy’s. John was playing video games by himself in the living room.

“How was your day?”

“Eric got a phone number and also a successful day of shopping for me,” she smiled as Eric took the other controller. “Where’s Kenny?”

“Sleeping or something,” he shrugged as he and Halvo fell into a trance.

Logan walked to Kennedy’s room and sat on the side of his bed, placing her hand gently on his bare back, “Hey sleepy head.”

He rolled over and adjusted his eyes, “What are you doing here?”

“I just wanted to hang out with you guys,” she told him.

“Well, I will not object,” he smiled, “Will you feed me?”

“You boys are impossible,” she laughed, following him out to the living room.

He joined the guys and she made a turkey sandwich just the way he liked it. She split it in half and ate one herself.

She sat next to Halvo as John and Kennedy played a game. She studied them both and thought of her talk with Jimmy. She kept justifying everything with the fact that because she had cancer, it was impossible to focus on a relationship.

But there was a part of her that felt as if she was using cancer as an excuse. An excuse to run away from her problems because she was too much of a coward. And it really wasn’t fair to John, because he hadn’t done anything wrong.

So while these feelings for Kennedy seemed to be resurfacing, who was to say that her feelings for John had subsided? It wasn’t fair to not give him a chance. She had to give herself a chance.

The doorbell rang and Logan decided she would answer it because the boys didn’t even budge. She opened the door and was met with a beautiful blonde staring back at her.

“Who are you?”she asked.

“I’m Logan. Who are you?” she asked, feeling defensive.

Logan felt a boy hovering over her and as John began to form her name Logan knew that someone up in heaven was playing a cruel joke on her.

“Autumn?”