Make Amends

Logan stared longingly out the window, having one of those moments that they showed in the movies. The moment where the main character watched the rain fall with a melancholy look on their face, maybe having some kind of realization.

But all she could really think about was how hungry she was and that this rain was keeping her from her date with Kennedy.

Finally she heard a knock on her door. She opened it quickly and found Kennedy shaking out his clothes and hair under the awning.

She grabbed his hand and pulled him in, “Are you cold?”

He spoke through chattering teeth, “A bit.”

She laughed, “Take your clothes off.”

“Well,” he said, beginning to take off his jacket, “Let’s just get down to business.”

She rolled her eyes, “I was just going to get some of Garrett’s clothes for you.”

He frowned, “But later?”

She laughed, “Or now.”

He grinned before running towards her as she scurried up the stairs and he chased her. Finally they collapsed on her bed, out of breath.

“I was just kidding about the having sex thing… Garrett is right next door,” she laughed.

He shook his head and began to take off his clothes, “You sure?”

“Yep,” she smiled.

He sighed before leaving her room and returning quickly in some of Garrett’s sweats. He lay down next to her, “What is the thing you most want to do before you die?”

“I want to tip a cow.”

He laughed, “Are you serious?”

“Those kids in Oklahoma and Nebraska that have nothing to do really know what’s up,” she shrugged.

“What else?”

“I want to camp. And cliff jump. I would also love to be in a flash mob, and take my shirt off on a freeway overpass,” she said.

“That’s all easy stuff to do!” Kennedy said. “Except the freeway thing... that’s not happening.”

“Let’s do it then!” she cheered.

Then the thunder rolled loudly and not soon after the power went out, leaving them in the dark. Kennedy pulled her close, “Maybe tomorrow.”

Logan stood backstage, trying to force a smile every time Garrett flashed her a smile. All she really wanted to do was go home and lay down. The music was giving her a horrible headache and she felt nauseas.

But The Maine was headlining a show in Phoenix and she had to support them. But her last chemo treatment made her feel so horrible she hadn’t been out of the house in days.

She could feel the change coming. Soon she would be too weak to go out, and too miserable to hang out with. Her hair wouldn’t last much longer.

Finally the band shuffled off stage. John have her a hug, “You okay?”

“Mhmm,” she murmured.

Garrett hugged her tightly, getting his sweat all over her, “How did I do!?”

“You did great, little bro.” This was a genuine smile. He returned it but it slightly wavered quickly, “You don’t look too hot.”

“I’m fine,” she dismissed, “Go and see some of those adoring fans.”

She waited for him to leave before running out a back exit in dire need of fresh air. She sat down on a curb and took in deep breaths. Soon she heard the door she had previously walked through and she sat up straight, wiping away some tears that had managed to fall.

Kennedy sat next to her, “You okay?”

“Yep,” she said, “Good job tonight.”

“Are you feeling sick or is it the stress?” he asked, ignoring her compliment.

“Stress…”she admitted, “I’m so stressed that soon I will be unable to have fun doing anything that I’m ruining the time I do have.”

“Is that how it is?” he asked wearily, “Sudden?”

“Yeah,” Logan said, “I mean of course the physical stuff is gradual, but the change of mood is almost immediate, for me anyways.”

“Wow. I’m scared for that too, then,” he told her.

“Thanks for being honest,” she laughed.

“It annoys you when Garrett and John and all of them are so positive, doesn’t it?” he asked.

Logan sighed, “Yeah, it does. I mean, a lot of the time I really, really appreciate it. But sometimes I just need someone to listen to me when I feel like I’m out of luck.

“Well what do you think I’m here for, jerk?” Kennedy said.

She smiled a little bit and pushed his shoulder. They stayed silent for a while before she spoke, “I met my mom a few days ago.”

“What!?” he exclaimed, putting his hand on her knee.

“Yeah,” she smiled abashedly, “It was really cool.”

“Cool?” he clarified, “Just cool? Logan, you’ve been waiting for this your whole life!”

She smiled as she turned to him in excitement, “She’s all cleaned up now. She’s got a big, happy family and she’s been looking for me. I think we could maybe have a relationship.”

“Ah, Logan I’m so happy for you!” he grinned.

“She asked about you. Apparently my dad mentioned you once,” Logan said, blushing a little.

“Did you go with John?” he asked, trying to appear unfazed.

“Yeah,” she told him, “But I wished it was you.”

He looked down and smiled and then she realized that he still had his hand on her knee. She made the move and grabbed his hand. He looked up at her with a smile.

“Thanks for talking to me,” she said.

Kennedy looked confused by their intertwined fingers but smiled anyways, “No problem.”

“Do you need to get back in there?” Logan asked.

He shrugged, “They’re just local kids, I’ll see them around town.”

“So what do you want to do?” she asked.

He stood up and pulled her along, “I have an idea.”

He took her to his car and they drove a few blocks down to a bar. “This was your idea?” she laughed.

“I have to get really drunk before I do what we’re going to, okay?” he said.

She laughed as they walked in and took seats, “Do I need to get really drunk?”

Kennedy spoke to the bartender, “I’ll take what’s on draft and she’ll take a sprite.”

“I’ll take that as a no,” she said.

He smiled, “You have to be completely sober.”

“Why is that?” she asked.

Kennedy shrugged as he took a sip of his beer, “Because it was your idea.”

*
A few hours later Logan and Kennedy found themselves walking along a dimly lit bridge. There was no one else on it but they were still holding hands.

“What are we doing?” she yelled over the sound of cars passing beneath.

He stopped and rested his hands on the bridge railing, looking at her unbelieving, “You really don’t remember?”

“Sorry,” she shrugged.

“We made a list, silly. Something you wanted to do before you die was take your shirt off on a freeway overpass,” he said.

Logan laughed out loud, “Oh my gosh. So what are you doing up here?”

“Well if you’re going to show your goodies for the interstate then the least I can do is show mine,” he said before he began unbuckling his pants.

“Ah!” she gasped, “You’re the best!”

He sighed, “I’m not drunk enough for this.”

She laughed before she slipped her hands under her dress, “Ready?”

“If there are kids in those cars I could get charged with sexual harassment. You know that, right?” he asked.

“Don’t be such a pussy!” she yelled as she lifted her dress over her head.

He groaned before dropping his pants, shaking his head as Logan yelled at the top of her lungs.

And in that moment she seemed to forget every ailment her body had, every insecurity this disease gave her. Because she was finally doing something to fight back.

++

“I cannot believe we’re doing this,” Logan laughed.

Kennedy smiled as he drove, “Me either. But you said you wanted to.”

“Why are you doing this for me?”

He stopped the car at their destination and looked at her, “Logan, you said you wanted to do these things before you die. Well you probably didn’t expect the possibility to come so soon, but it’s definitely a possibility now. So we’re going to do these things.”

She gave him the best smile she could, “Okay.”

“Now let’s go jump off this damn cliff!”

They walked the trail to the top where a group of high school kids already were. They were laughing as pairs jumped off to the water below. Logan was always too scared to do it when she was their age.

“It’s pretty high,” Logan observed, taking off her shirt to reveal her bathing suit.

“It’s not that high, Lo. I’ve done this one a million times,” Kennedy said as he took off his own shirt.

“Promise?” she asked, holding out her hand.

“I swear,” he said, taking it. Kennedy counted to three slowly before they ran off the edge, hitting the water seconds later.

They surfaced at the same time with smiles on their faces. Logan reached for him and he pulled her close, letting her wrap her legs around his waist.

“Let’s do it again!”

“I knew you’d love it,” he laughed.

“I feel so energized!” she giggled before kissing his cheek, “Thanks.”

“No problem,” he laughed, “And we can’t do it again because we have a full day ahead!”

“Sounds great,” she said.

They got their clothes and dried off before getting back in the car. They drove to a mall in Scottsdale.

“There are some clothes in the backseat for you. Change quickly!” he urged.

Logan did so in the backseat. He only had to change his shirt. “Why are we wearing all black?”

“I found a flash mob online… for today. Since it’s close to Halloween they are doing the Thriller dance, and I know you know it. It starts in five minutes,” Kennedy said, grabbing her hand and pulling her in.

“You remember it from when I taught you in high school?” she laughed.

“Don’t judge me.”

Logan and Kennedy walked around aimlessly in the food court, seeing other people dressed like they were. Then, like clockwork everyone assembled in the middle of the mall and the music began. There were easily a hundred people in the mob.

Kennedy and Logan danced with the group and couldn’t stop laughing. At the end everyone did some silly pose before the music stopped and everyone cheered. Logan ran to Kennedy and jumped in his arms.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you!” she grinned, “I miss dancing.”

He dragged her to the car, “You’re never going to stop dancing, Lo. I won’t let it happen.”

She smiled graciously, “What are we doing now?”

“We’re going to go home and pack a bag. Tonight we’re going to camp,” Kennedy said.

“I love this!”

“I can’t believe you’ve never been camping,” he shook his head disapprovingly.

“I’m a city girl,” she shrugged. They reached her house and she ran inside.

“What’s the rush?” Garrett asked, leaning against her doorway as she packed a bag.

“Kennedy and I are going camping!” she exclaimed.

“Are you guys going to bang it out?” he asked bluntly.

“No,” she laughed, “We’re just hanging out.”

“I knew you guys couldn’t stay away from each other,” Garrett said.

She gave a small shrug, feeling slightly embarrassed that butterflies were in her stomach, “I guess that was pretty stupid of me.”

Logan walked past him with her bag and he followed her out. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

He opened the front door and watched her walk down the steps to Kennedy’s car, “Bye sis, be safe! Don’t get pregnant!”

She rolled her eyes and flipped him off before jumping in his car. “What was that about?”

Logan shook her head, “He’s just being a dumb boy.”

Logan couldn’t figure a way to tell him. There was no question of how she felt, or even doubt. There wasn’t even much doubt to how he felt. But sometimes it was hard to admit that as strong as she thought she could be without him, she needed him so bad.

It was dark by the time they reached their destination. It was out in a field in the middle of nowhere, an isolated farm nearby.

“This is creepy!” Logan said.

“Oh come on it will be fun!” he cheered. Kennedy pitched a tent and started a fire. He cooked some food and Logan cuddled up with him after they were done eating.

“Awe,” Logan smiled, looking up, “We can watch the stars like old times.”

“First we have one last thing to do!” he said excitedly, taking her hand. They walked for a few minutes through tall grass before Kennedy stopped and Logan grinned.

“Let’s tip some cows!”

Logan and Kennedy walked stealthily through the grass. “This is wrong.”

Logan rolled her eyes, “Come on!”

He helped her tip the cow before they ran for their lives back to their campsite.

“I feel awesome right now!” Logan laughed, out of breath.

They both collapsed in a blanket and caught their breath. Then the thunder began rolling.

“Do you think its karma?” he asked.

Within an hour the clouds enclosed on them and in another thirty minutes it began pouring rain. “No!” Kennedy cried.

“The tent won’t even hold up!” Logan said.

“Did this count as camping? I mean we made a tent, a fire… good enough?” he asked.

“Yes. Let’s go,” she yelled over the thunder. They jumped in his car and warmed up with the heater.

“Hey, I have a great idea,” he said excitedly, “Does Anne still hide the key to the cabin in the ceramic frog?”

Logan’s lips spread into a smile, “Let’s go find out.”

They drove for another hour up into the mountains as the cold rain made the windows fog. The cabin her family had owned her whole life was virtually isolated.

They ran to the porch quickly, finding the key right where it always had been. The electricity was out so they lit some candles and started up the fire place. They sat on the couch, immediately cuddling together.

“This place has seen better days,” Kennedy laughed as they listened to the drip, drip, drip of the water hitting the bucket they had placed in the kitchen under the leaking roof.

“So many memories,” she said sadly, “We used to come here so much.”

Logan’s cell phone rang and she read the name across the screen before silencing it and carelessly throwing it to the side.

“Was that John?” he asked, already having looked at the screen.

“Yeah,” Logan replied.

“Why didn’t you answer?”

She shrugged, “I’m with you.”

He nodded his head, pretending like he understood. But then he sighed in frustration and looked at her, “What’s going on with you and John?”

Logan knew she couldn’t beat around the bush any longer. “He’s in love with Autumn still.”

“Not surprising,” he muttered, “Are you dealing with it okay?”

“Well, yeah. That’s not the only reason though…” she said, beginning to notice how close they were.

“I don’t really want to hear that you’re still in love with him,” he said hopelessly.

She placed her hand on his knee, forcing him to look at her, “I’m not in love with him.”

“So who do you love?” he asked bluntly.

She stayed silent, unable to form any words. She wasn’t sure she even knew the right words to say. He stood up angrily.

“This is why we’re never going to work again, huh?” he asked dryly.

“Why can’t you see how hard this is for me?” she asked with a slight groan.

“I can see it, Logan. I feel it, too,” he defended himself, “You’re not the only one.”

“Then stop forcing it on me,” she muttered.

He looked at her, completely dismayed. Kennedy kneeled down in front of her, “Is that what you think… that I’m forcing it on you? Do you think it’s easy to put myself out there? I’m scared that you’ll run away from me again. But I’m not so stupid as to hide my feelings from you.”

Once again, Logan didn’t say a word.

He stood up in frustration, “I don’t know what to say anymore. I’m about to give up, Logan. I lost you before and I don’t want to lose you again but if I have to… I can try. But I really, really don’t want to. I mean… why does it even ha--”

“Kennedy,” she tried to interrupt him but he continued, “Kennedy!”

He ran his fingers through his hair, never pausing, “I just feel so dependent and it sucks because I just care so much about you. But I’ll do it, fine. I’ll get over you.”

“I’m in love with you!” she shouted over his ranting.

Now it was his turn to be silent. He spoke after almost a minute with an apparent sigh of relief, “You are?”

She laughed a little, “Yeah. I am.”

And she didn’t need to say anymore. There was no explanation needed, no heartfelt meaning or tears. They had been through enough to know that no words could adequately explain it.

Kennedy scooped her up in his arms, carrying her to the bedroom that had been surprisingly well kempt. He lay her down on the bed and carefully crawled over her. He hovered above her and their breathing was becoming staggered before they even kissed.

Logan pulled him by the collar of his shirt and attached their lips. They didn’t hesitate to let their hands wander over one another because they had no time to waste. They were hungry for each other, but this wasn’t lust.

No, this was so much more. It was all the love they had been denying they attained for so many years finally over flowing. It was all of Logan’s self-hatred and pity that she was reminded of when she was with anyone else.

It was all disappearing.

He took off her shirt and touched every inch of bare skin that he had been missing for so long. As he discarded his own shirt and kissed down her stomach she ran her fingers through his hair.

But he stopped short of her hips, raising his head and glancing up at her. Her breathing was dramatic when she met his eyes.

“What are these?” he whispered, brushing his fingers over the scars on her hips that she almost had forgotten were there. The marks that forever reminded her of her past when she thought she was hopeless.

She moved his hands and a few tears came to her eyes, “Mistakes.”

He nodded his head, tears forming in his own. He lightly pressed his lips to one of the scars, lingering there for a few seconds.

Finally he hovered again above her, looking in her eyes, “I was just kidding about being able to move on.”

Logan laughed out loud, putting a hand on the side of his face, “I sure hope so.”

“We don’t have to do this, Lo. I don’t need to have sex with you to know that I love you,” he said.

She smiled a little but tears were still overflowing from her eyes, “Do you think I’m still beautiful?”

He looked at her, confused. His hands were resting on her bare sides and that’s when he understood what she meant. He moved the hair out of her face, “You’re perfect.”

She nodded her head and wiped her tears away, “I want to do this. While I still can.”

“What do you-”

“I mean that soon I might be too weak. I want to forget about the cancer while I still can,” she said.

“That’s not the only reason, is it?” he asked with a small smile.

She shook her head, “It’s not even the biggest reason.”

He kissed her again, once again letting his hands roam about her. They took it slower than they ever had. But once he was inside her she never had another doubt.

And though she still had cancer and her body was getting weaker she felt impossibly high and on top of the world.

As she later slept next to the boy, his chest rising and falling and light snores falling from his body, her head and heart were more full of hope then they had been in years. She shook her head and emitted a small laugh at her own stupidity, wondering what took her so long to just give him a chance; to give herself a chance.

And she knew the only reason she didn’t is because she was afraid to give them a chance.

But as she slipped under his arm and he awoke slightly to embrace her, she was able to find peace immediately. Because nothing she thought before was true anymore.

Finally, she was set free.