Make Amends

When she woke up she was in a hospital room. The same one she was put in for her chemo treatments. Her parched throat was begging for water but she couldn’t feel her arms. She was so weak.

“There she is…”

Logan looked to the door, seeing her nurse Penny. She poured her some water and Logan used everything to take a sip.

“Thank you,” she said.

She flipped through the clip board in her hand, “Your white blood cell count is abnormally low. That’s why you passed out. The nose bleed was just added flavor. Dr. Brock is waiting for some blood test results to come back to see if any cancer has progressed.”

“Where is Dr. Brock?” she asked.

“He’s at a conference in Denver. Well, right now he’s on a plane home. He should be here by the morning,” he said.

“Why am I hooked up to an IV?” she asked.

“You’ve been out for twenty-four hours. We had to keep you hydrated somehow,” she shrugged, “Everyone else had to go home but Kennedy refused. I’ll send him in.”

Soon after, Penny left and Kennedy entered, his face flooding into a smile. He grabbed her hand, “Hey.”

“Did I scare you?” she asked.

“Half to death.”

“Sorry I ruined your party,” she said, “I feel really bad.”

“I shouldn’t have made you go. You said you felt sick and I should have respected that. I’m sorry,” Kennedy said.

“It’s not your fault,” Logan said.

“Do you need more water? Want to try to eat?” he asked.

“No, no,” she said, “I just want to sleep.”

“My dad will be here soon. He’ll figure it all out,” he said, more like he was validating it to himself.

“Your dad is a really good guy… flying all the way back for me,” she said.

“Yeah,” he smiled a little, “He really likes you for some reason. I haven’t figured it out yet.”

She rolled her eyes, “Oh shush.”

“Can I tell you something?” he asked. She nodded her head and he continued, “When I saw you pass out… I thought you died or something. And I thought to myself… what if she never knew how much I loved her.”

“I do know, Kennedy,” she said.

“Well, I just want to keep telling you every day just to make sure,” he said.

“Okay,” she said tiredly, “Sounds good.”

“I’ll go call Garrett for you,” he said.

“No,” she protested, “He’ll only stress me out. Much like you are doing. It can wait until morning.”

“Should I go then?” he asked cautiously.

She hated being rude to him but she couldn’t muster up even a fake smile, “Yeah.”

Kennedy nodded his head before standing up. He kissed her forehead, “Get some sleep.”

“You, too,” she said.

She waited for him to leave before shifting in her bed. She reached for her cell phone that lay on the bed stand. She had over twenty texts and calls but she ignored all of them. Logan dialed John’s number.

“Hey Lo,” he whispered.

“Did I wake you up?” she asked, realizing it was almost midnight.

“No, no,” he said, his voice steadily rising, “Autumn was just asleep in the other room. We’re good now.”

“I just wanted to call you and tell you I’m alive,” she said.

“I’ve been worried sick. What’s wrong with you?” John asked.

“I’ll know exactly tomorrow. But it’s probably not good news,” she sighed.

“Does Kennedy know that?” he asked.

“He will soon,” she sighed, “Well anyways I’ll let you get some sleep. Come visit me sometime.”

“I’ll be there tomorrow. Stay alive, Lo,” he said.

“Will do,” she laughed a little before hanging up.

Logan woke up the next morning to Dr. Brock pressing a hand to her forehead. “You’re warm.”

“Your hand is really cold,” she said, sitting up.

He handed her a glass of water that she sucked down greedily. “Your blood tests only told me what we already knew. Your white blood cells are low.”

“Because of the chemo or because of the cancer?” she asked.

His lips pursed, “That’s what I’m still trying to find out.”

“Thanks for coming home for me,” she said as he sat her up and pressed his fingers at random places along her body, looking for lumps.

He didn’t respond and she almost smiled. She had half expected him to make some excuse, to tell her he didn’t come home for her. But he said nothing.

“Garrett is waiting in the hall. I’ll bring him in,” he said.

“No, that’s okay,” Logan said, starting to worry about what she looked like of all things.

“You’re going to want a hand to hold when I tell you what I’m doing next,” he said before opening the door and calling for her brother.

She flushed a smile when she saw him, realizing how much she wanted to see him.

“Hi!” he greeted happily, hugging her.

“Hey,” she said.

“Logan I’m going to do a lumbar puncture. You know what that is?” he asked.

“Yeah,” she sighed.

“I don’t,” Garrett said, “What is it?”

“He’s going to draw fluid from my spine to see if the cancer has reached my nervous system. It will tell me if I have an infection,” Logan said.

Garrett nodded his head. Dr. Brock spoke again, “I’ll be right back.”

“It’s not that big of a deal,” Logan said, “It just hurts a little.”

“You scared me a little,” he said, “Halvo started crying.”

“Really?” she laughed, “Wow.”

Dr. Brock entered again, Penny at his side. Penny instructed her to lift her gown over her head. She held it close to her chest to cover her breasts. Logan leaned forward and Garrett stood in front of her, holding her hands.

“Okay, Logan, take in one deep breath,” Dr. Brock directed.

She did as she said and let out a small whimper as he stuck the large needle in her back.

“All done,” he said, “I’ll send these upstairs and we’ll get the results fast-tracked.”

Dr. Brock and Penny left them after bandaging her up. “Can I lay with you?” Garrett asked.

“Sure,” she smiled, moving over.

He lay down and she snuggled into his chest. “So tell me what hurts.”

Logan sighed, “I’m nauseas, not any more than usual. I just feel really weak and tired,” she said.

“You have some yellow around your eyes. Is that makeup?” he asked.

She shook her head, “It’ jaundice. That means whatever this is it’s affecting my liver.”

“Are you hungry?” he asked, “I can go get you some food.”

“No, let’s just stay here,” she said, closing her eyes.

He nodded his head, pulling her in tighter, “I want you to know that if it comes down to it, I’ll give you bone marrow, a kidney, a heart, anything.”

“You’re not going to give me your heart, Garrett,” she chuckled.

“I’ll do anything to let you live, Logan. You’ve had such a hard life and just when it gets better it gets horrible again. You just… don’t deserve this,” Garrett said.

“No one does, Gary. But I’ve never been more thankful for you. I don’t know how I got through it before,” Logan sighed.

He smiled. Before he spoke again his phone rang. “Answer it,” Logan said.

He reached in his pocket and walked to the other side of the room, speaking quietly and angrily to the person on the other line.

Finally he joined her again, “I have to go.”

“It is fine, Gary. Where are you going?” Logan asked.

“I have to do an interview because apparently no one else in my band can do it,” he rolled his eyes.

“I’m sure they just want you, Garrett. And I’ll be fine. See,” she smiled and sat up, “I’m good.”

“Okay,” he sighed before leaning down to kiss her forehead, “I’ll be back.”

Garrett left and Logan slept for a while longer. When she awoke Kennedy was in her room.

“Hey,” he said lovingly, “Penny said when you wake up to ask if you wanted me or her to give you your sponge bath.”

“Shut up,” she laughed, “I can bathe myself.”

Logan reached for water, barely gripping the cup before it fell to the ground.

“Damn it,” she said.

Just then Dr. Brock walked back in, followed by another man that she had taken an elevator ride with back when she was healthy. She didn’t know his name, he was just the hot doctor she sometimes saw around.

“Kennedy, get out of here,” his dad said.

“Dad,” he protested, “I’ll stay if Logan wants me to.”

Logan nodded her head and Dr. Brock shrugged. He flipped through his clipboard.

“You have an infection and I can’t stop it. We’re going to have to suspend all treatment. Your body is attacking all of the cells that are trying to help you and you’re only getting worse,” he said bluntly.

“How did I get an infection?” she asked, “This didn’t happen last time.”

“It can be any number of things. Your immune system is very low so it is easy. It’s from prolonged exposure to germs, usually,” he said before he glanced at Kennedy.

The couple put it together at the same time. Kennedy buried his face in his hands, “Oh my God.”

“When did you two have sex?” Dr. Brock asked.

“A few days ago,” Kennedy mumbled.

“Damn it, Kennedy. How could you be so stupid? She has a disease, her body could never handle that,” his dad said angrily.

“We thought it was okay! I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, Logan,” Kennedy said.

“This is so awkward,” she sighed.

“We’re going to pump you full of drugs and monitor you. But don’t… just don’t do it again,” Dr. Brock said. “This is bad.”

“Quick question,” Logan said, “Who is he?”

“Jason is a surgeon. He’s here to talk with you about your options,” Dr. Brock said.

“Options?”

Jason, the young, unbelievably good looking surgeon finally spoke, “I’m here to tell you about the stem cell transplant.”

He proceeded to explain the risks and rewards, mostly to Kennedy because Logan knew all about it. It had more of a possibility of making things worse because her body was so weak already.

But as she tuned out what Jason was saying, Logan looked at Dr. Brock. He made eye contact with her and gave her a look that told her that he wanted her to do this.

Which meant she didn’t have another choice.

“Logan, are you listening?”

She looked at Jason, her vision blurring for a second, “Mhmm.”

“We want to do it as soon as possible before you get too weak. We can do it as soon as Thursday. Will that be okay with you and your brother?” he asked.

“Thursday?” she asked, “No, no I can’t Thursday.”

“Why?” Kennedy asked.

“It’s Garrett’s birthday,” she said, “Can we do it another day?”

“You can miss Garrett’s birthday,” Jason said.

She looked at him, finding his words unusually cruel, “I’ve missed his birthday for four years. I’m not missing it again.”

Dr. Brock spoke up, “Yes, yes, that’s fine. We’ll do it Saturday.”

She sent him a thankful smile. “Do I have to stay here all week?”

“We’ll see if we can arrange some time for you to go out. But until you can start looking at me without having to refocus every ten seconds or you’re able to lift your arms over your head, you’re stuck here,” he said.

Logan nodded her head, disappointed. The doctors left and she finally summoned the strength to eat a piece of toast and drink some orange juice.

“You already look better,” Kennedy smiled.

“Thanks,” she forced a smile as she sat up, “I really need to shower.”

“Do you want help?”

“No, I can do it. You can go sit out in the hall,” she said.

“Let’s see you move then,” he said, standing up and crossing his arms over his chest.

Logan placed her hands on either side of the bed, barely putting any weight on them before they collapsed. Tears sprung in her eyes and as Kennedy reached for her she screamed at him.

“No! Get away.”

“Logan,” he hushed, putting his hands on either side of her face. The only strength she had was in thrashing away from him. “Stop fighting me! You need me. You need me.”

She collapsed in anger and defeat and let him hold her. She sobbed into his shirt as it all hit her at once.

“I’m sorry,” she squeaked.

“It’s okay,” he said, kissing her lips sweetly, “I’ll be right back.”

When Kennedy returned he had all of the materials for the sponge bath. He lifted her onto the separate mattress. “Arms up.”

She tried to lift her arms up but barely could. He took off the hospital gown, leaving her totally and completely exposed.

“I know this isn’t what you signed up for,” she said sadly as he washed her arms.

“In sickness and in health,” he muttered underneath a smile.

“We’re not married,” Logan said blandly.

He looked at her, “You know what I mean.”

“Yeah,” she smiled, “Maybe someday.”

“Definitely someday,” he said confidently as he put a fresh gown on her.

“Thanks,” Logan said, “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Kennedy replied, “And I always will, no matter how you look.”

“I think I’ll take a nap,” Logan said, “You should go do something tonight. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

He nodded his head, knowing it was useless to fight. “Call me if you’re bored.”

“Thank you again, Kennedy. I’ll be better soon, I promise,” she said, referring to her mental state, not the physical.

Because in that, she had no faith.

+

Logan closed her eyes and took in the wonderful feeling of the November sun hitting her. Kennedy was rolling her in a wheelchair because she couldn’t stand for longer than a few minutes.

They had given her a small dose of the chemotherapy treatment to see how her body was adjusting. It made her sick, but not much more than usual. But she convinced Dr. Brock and Penny to let her out to go to Garrett’s birthday barbeque at Eric’s house.

Kennedy had brought her jean shorts and a long sleeve shirt to wear to conceal her frail arms. Her hair was practically nonexistent so she tied it in a low ponytail.

He drove them to the party that was already taking place. There were less than twenty people there in Eric’s backyard. The weather was perfect. This would be their last chance to have a nice barbeque before it got too cold.

“Hey baby brother!” she greeted as they came through the back gate, “Happy birthday!”

He hugged her, “Thank you.”

“I didn’t have a chance to get you a gift…” Logan said.

He rolled his eyes, “You being here is the best gift I could ask for.”

She smiled and looked up at Kennedy, silently asking him to wheel her over to the table where most of her friends were.

Logan noticed all of their weary stares and knew she would have to overcompensate to make this go smoothly and keep the attention on Garrett. Not that she wasn’t already happy to be there, it would just mean she would have to try a little harder.

“Hey everyone,” she smiled as Kennedy rolled her up next to John.

“Hey ugly!” Halvo greeted, engulfing her in a tight hug.

She wasn’t allowed to have a beer so she took a drink of John’s nice cold soda. He laughed, “You can have that.”

“Thanks,” she said. “Where’s Autumn?”

“Well she doesn’t really know Garrett so I didn’t want it to be awkward and such,” he shrugged, “I was just excited to hang out with all my friends.”

“Me, too,” she said.

Logan felt a pair of arms wrap around her from behind as Garrett rested his chin on her shoulder, “Thanks for coming, guys.”

“To Garrett,” Logan lifted her drink in the air. As everyone tapped each other’s cups and cans and bottles her arm began to go limp. John glanced at her, took her cup, and tapped it against everyone else’s before giving it back.

“Thanks,” she took a sip.

They all hung out for hours, moving inside once the sun went down. As everyone began leaving, all of them wished her luck in her upcoming surgery and gave her the same sad look like it would be the last time they saw her. Kennedy had to leave as well to pick up his mom from the airport.

She began to feel a little bit better and asked Eric to help her out of her chair. He walked her to the bathroom as everyone that was left was playing some drinking game as they watched a show on ABC Family.

She looked at herself in the mirror for a while and Eric spoke, “Do you need more help or…?

“Do you have a hair trimmer?” she asked.

“Like for… your hair?” he asked cautiously.

“Yes,” she laughed, “Do you have one?”

He looked in the cupboard and pulled one out, “Are you serious?”

“You know how to shave a head?”

He looked at her with a sad look before calling John. He joined them in the medium sized bathroom with a smile but it soon fell when he saw what was in Logan’s hand.

“Shut the door,” she said.

He did so and Eric spoke, “You shaved your brother’s head once, didn’t you?”

He didn’t need more explanation, “Sit down.”

She took a seat on the lip of the bathtub and John sighed. He put his hands on her shoulders, “Are you sure?”

“Yep,” Logan said. Eric climbed in the bathtub so he was kneeling in front of her. John started up the clippers and before long there were pieces of hair falling into her face. A few tears were falling and they made the hair stick to her cheeks. Eric wiped them away every time.

“All done,” John said. He rubbed his hand over the top of her now basically bald head.

She looked up at him, “Rubbing it for luck?”

He laughed, some tears in his eyes, “Yeah.”

“Why are you guys crying?” she laughed, wiping under her eyes.

“It’s just... making it real,” Eric shrugged. “But you know what? You actually don’t look that ugly.”

She rolled her eyes before she looked at herself in the mirror, “Much better.”

“What happened to not shaving your head?” Halvo asked.

“Wishful thinking. It’s totally in my way,” Logan said. “What’s left of my eyebrows is staying though.”

“Maybe I can shave my head, too,” Halvo suggested.

She looked at him and intertwined her fingers in his brown locks, “Don’t you dare.”

He sighed happily, “Thanks for saying that.”

“Let’s go show Garrett,” she said. She put her hand on the handle and her legs gave out a bit.

John gave her a soft smile and wrapped his arm around her waist, basically carrying her out. Garrett, Amy, Pat and Austin froze. She suddenly felt really guilty for doing it on Garrett’s day.

And even though she didn’t know Austin well he was the first to break the tension. “You thinking of joining the army, Nickelsen?”

She laughed, rubbing her buzzed hair, “Yep.”

Garrett stood up and hugged her, wetting her shirt with some tears. “Don’t cry, Garrett.”

He pulled away and rested his hand on the back of her head, “You’re perfect.”

She blushed, “Thanks, boo.”

“I shaved my head once,” Amy said as they all sat down.

“What!?” Eric exclaimed.

She shrugged, “I went through a rebellious stage. It looked pretty sick.”

Logan laughed, “It feels pretty awesome, I’m not going to lie.”

“You look good,” Austin said.

“I feel good,” she lied. It was getting late and she was really tired. Her eyesight blurred every time she turned her head and she really was supposed to go back to the hospital tonight. But with the people she cared most about, minus Kennedy, laughing and smiling the thought didn’t even cross her mind.

Logan fell asleep on Eric’s couch but woke up in his bed. He was snoring lightly next to her, his face visible thanks to the sunlight shining through the window.

The second she moved slightly he stirred awake. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?” she laughed.

“For not letting you have the bed to yourself. I just wanted to make sure you… uh,” he stammered.

“Didn’t die?”

“Yeah,” he flushed. “Do you feel okay?”

“I haven’t slept that well in weeks,” she smiled, “Shoot. Where’s my phone?”

“It’s charging. Kennedy came back and carried you in here. I think he’s passed out in the front room with everyone else,” Halvo said.

“He’s a good boyfriend,” she blushed.

Eric smiled. He put his hand on her cheek and frowned, “You’re warm.”

“I guess that’s my cue,” Logan sighed, climbing out of his bed. She stood and got a head rush, requiring her to lean back onto the bed dramatically.

“You okay?” Halvo asked, already by her side.

She held out her hand as if to refuse his help. But then she remembered she was trying to get better at accepting that she really did need help so she gripped his arm until she regained her balance.

“Yep,” she said before they walked to the front room.

Everyone was already awake and Garrett, John, and Kennedy were playing video games. Logan sat down next to Amy and the red head smiled at her, “God, I still can’t get over the hair.”

“Well at least we’re stopping chemo. If not I would be totally bald,” Logan said, “That wouldn’t look quite as cool.”

Kennedy sat down next to Logan, handing her a bowl of fruit. She thanked him with a smile and devoured it.

“It’s so hot in here!” Logan whined.

“It’s not hot at all!” Garrett replied, “You’re crazy.”

“Can I go jump in the pool?” she asked.

“That’s probably not a good idea…” Kennedy said, “Germs and stuff.”

“Kennedy, I’m doused in drugs that are acting as my immune system. I’m going to be fine,” she said, not angry because she knew he was only doing it to look out for her.

“Logan, don’t chance it,” Garrett said sadly.

She shook her head, “If I’m going to die I’m going to go swimming one more time.”

“Logan,” Garrett hushed.

She dismissed them with a wave of her hand and took off for the back door. They all called after her as she shed her shirt, thankful that they lived in Arizona and the winter weather hadn’t hit yet. She kept on the shorts she had on as she stood at the edge of the pool.

Logan looked back at all of them, knots forming in her stomach at their terrified glances. She closed her eyes and took in a breath. Before she made the leap she heard someone beside her. She opened her eyes to find John standing next to her in only his boxers, a smile on his face.

He held out his hand and she grabbed it. They jumped in together, letting go of their hands when they hit the ice cold water. Logan welcomed the freezing water against her skin, a smile across her face underwater.

She opened her eyes when she felt the water jolt as Garrett, Amy, and Kennedy all jumped in. As she floated to the top she ignored every thought of sadness and loss and only thanked God for letting her live long enough to have all of them.

And praying for just a little bit more time.