Make Amends

It had been four months.

Four months after the stem cell treatment failed and caused an infection. Four months of treatment, four months spent mostly in the hospital, four months in and out of a million doctors’ offices. Four months of falling asleep and being unsure if she would wake up.

Four months of goodbyes.

Logan looked like someone that was dying. Her eyes were sunken in, her skin hung low around her arms where the bones no longer filled it. She could still walk, but not for long periods of time. Her hair had grown in to hang on her cheeks and she wished badly for a haircut. Since she wasn’t going through chemo she was able to keep most food down.

But most of the time she was too tired to even eat. She was getting a kind of cabin fever sitting in the hospital. Every day they pumped her full of drugs and made her feel okay.

It’s what Dr. Brock meant by saying, “All we can do is make you comfortable.”

Four months of brutal honesty.

And she wasn’t comfortable. She was stir crazy and needed to get out. She was still too sick for Thanksgiving dinner, and to go home on Christmas. All of her friends came to the hospital and stayed with her, but it wasn’t the same. And now all of her friends were gone. The Maine and A Rocket to the Moon were on separate tours. They left at the beginning of the year and had been gone for three months.

Four months of crying herself to sleep, even when Kennedy fell asleep on the phone with her.

But now she was going to be proactive. She was going to get out, and she knew just the person to help her.

“Are you sure you can do something with this hair?”

Amy laughed, taking a chunk of it and wrapping it in the curling iron, “I became a pro at doing a lot with a little when my hair grew back in.”

“Thanks for doing this,” Logan said, putting mascara on her lashes.

“No problem. I can’t get like… arrested for breaking you out of the hospital, right?” she laughed.

“Like you care,” Logan said.

Amy grinned, “True.”

Logan called Amy to take her out. The boys were coming back today from Europe and the last time they saw her she was so much worse. Barely able to move, splotchy skin, weird hair. It had been too long since she saw them, and now she could finally stop worrying about only staying alive in time to see them again.

“All done,” Amy said. Logan stood up and looked in the mirror.

She shrugged and looked at the red head, “Do I look like I’m dying?”

Amy gave a faint smile, “Yep.”

Logan winked at her, “That’s what I was going for.”

Amy laughed before wrapping a scarf around Logan’s head and giving her some sunglasses to wear. Logan linked her arm with Amy’s as they strolled casually through the hospital. When they reached the desk where Penny and Dr. Brock were talking, Logan stared at her feet.

“Have a good day, Logan,” Dr. Brock sang, not even looking up.

She stopped, “How did you-”

“If you just would have waited a few minutes I would have told you I was releasing you for a few days. On one condition,” he said.

“I will not have sex with your son,” Logan promised.

“Not that,” he said with a straight face. He handed her a bottle of pills, “Take these every two hours.”

“You’re really letting me go?” she asked.

“Yep. I want daily updates, however. We’re going to try to restart chemo as you get stronger, but you’re not getting stronger sitting in the hospital bed. Go out, have fun. Don’t drink, don’t use public restrooms.”

“Okay,” she laughed, “Thanks.”

He nodded his head before looking back at his paperwork. “You know, one of these times I’m going to get you to show emotion.”

“Sure, sure,” he mumbled. Logan laughed before she and Amy left.

Amy drove her to the airport where they waited outside the boys’ gate for nearly a half hour. Logan didn’t know who to hug first, Garrett or Kennedy. But as she saw Amy tapping her foot in excitement she knew she didn’t even have to make the choice.

A new wave of people began to file towards the baggage claim and Logan saw a guitar going around the ring. Finally she caught glimpse of Kennedy. She ran as fast as her body would allow, weaving her small body around others until she finally jumped into his barely suspecting arms.

Logan planted kisses all over his face and she held on to her tight. She completely forgot everyone around them, relishing in the moment of happiness. In his arms in the middle of a crowded airport she felt the most normal she had in months.

“How did you get out!?” he asked, setting her down.

“Your dad let me go for a few days,” she told him, “I’m his biggest fan right now.”

“That’s debatable,” he laughed.

“Excuse me one moment,” she said before turning around and wrapping her arms around Garrett’s neck. He swung her feet off the ground and she ignored the dizziness that came.

“I am so glad to see you!”

“Me too!” she grinned.

She heard someone clear their throat and she turned to John. She smiled at him sweetly and hugged him. “Hi, John.”

“Looking good, Lo,” he said.

“Well, thanks,” she bit her tongue to deny his compliment.

She said hi to Pat and Jared before they all grabbed their bags. Autumn met them at passenger pick up and took John, Jared, and Pat home. Logan couldn’t let go of Kennedy’s hand even once they were in the car.

“When does Eric get home?” Kennedy asked.

“Tomorrow,” she smiled, breathing a sigh of relief. She had missed Kennedy and Garrett and John so much, but she missed the little things about Halvo most.

“Good deal,” he said, “What do you want to do while you’re free?”

“Anything, everything,” she shrugged, rolling down the window to get come air.

They dropped off Kennedy to spend time with his family. Amy then dropped off Logan and Garrett at their apartment. She helped him unpack and clean everything up before she finally needed to rest.

They lay on the couch with Logan’s feet in his lap.

“I’m so happy to see you so happy and alive,” he said.

“I’m glad you get to see me like this,” Logan said distantly, her eyes closed.

“Let’s make a thing of it, yeah?” he joked.

“I’ll try my best,” she tried to sound strong.

There was always a certain kind of letdown after a big build up, and Logan’s mind and heart were threatening her with those kinds of feelings. But it wasn’t fair to put this all on Garrett. She couldn’t even bear to bring it on to Kennedy.

So she pushed the feelings away.

Logan fell asleep there on the couch but woke up in her bedroom a few hours later. Her bed was so comfortable but through the air she could smell cookies. She climbed out of bed and walked to the kitchen, finding Garrett and Kennedy with weak smiles.

“Hi guys,” she said as she sat up on the counter.

“We tried to make cookies,” Garrett said.

Logan took a bite and smiled, “You followed dad’s recipe.”

“His were always the best.”

“You feel up to coming to Austin’s tonight? He’s throwing all of us a homecoming party,” Kennedy said.

Logan dropped the cookie from her hand, “Wait. How long did I sleep for?”

“Like fifteen hours,” Kennedy said.

“Oh my God,” she said, panicked. She hopped off the counter and ran to the door, barely slipping her shoes on before she ran out. She realized too late that she wasn’t able to drive but the walk wasn’t far and she could use the air.

Finally she made it to Eric’s house. She ran into his bedroom and found him laying on his bed with his laptop in his lap.

“I am so sorry,” she said, winded.

He didn’t look up from his computer, “I was wondering what took you so long.”

She lay down next to him on her stomach, propping herself on her arms.

“I was asleep. I have cancer remember,” she teased.

He nodded his head and gave her a closed-lip ‘mhmm’.

“Come on,” she whined, “Talk to me.”

“Just finishing something up,” he said.

She waited another minute before he finally placed the laptop in front of her. She saw the Word document opened and looked at it, confused. “What’s this?”

“The hate letter I started writing for you about three hours ago.”

She laughed out loud, “Oh God, Eric.”

“Read it,” he said, folding his arms.

She read the first sentence aloud, “Dear Logan, you are a no good, back stabber.”

She gasped, shutting the laptop closed, “You don’t want me to read this, do you really?”

Logan smiled sweetly at him and his stern face broke into a smile as he wrapped his arms around her. He messed up her hair and pinched her sides, making her squirm and giggle.

Finally he gave up and they both lay breathing heavy and smiling. “I missed you.”

“Me too,” he said. “So be real with me, what’s wrong with you?”

Logan sighed, “You want to know?”

He nodded his head and she continued, “The cancer spread to my kidneys but they stopped it there. But on the way to my kidneys it hit my bones…”

“That sounds horrifying,” he said seriously.

“I have holes in my bones.”

“What?” he asked, confused.

“The cancer is poking holes in my bones. If the holes get big enough, my body will just start… to collapse,” Logan said.

“So how do we fix the bones?”

“They give me medicine that’s supposed to strengthen them until they can heal, but the cancer is working against the drugs, and it’s stronger,” she said sadly.

“But not stronger than you,” he said, comforting.

“I don’t know,” she said distantly.

Eric didn’t want to upset Logan by fighting her negativity. So instead he kissed her forehead and they lay together, listening to Eric talk about their tour around the States and tell her all kinds of stories, half of which Logan assumed were exaggerated.

When Logan left she stopped at a park on the way home. She sat alone on a bench underneath a tree. In her time out of the hospital she hadn’t been alone. Her mind stopped racing and it wasn’t until now she realized how on edge she had been.

She felt that being out of the hospital was stressing her out even more. She wanted to be happy, so happy, but she was worried. Worried that she would catch an infection or that she would forget to take her pills.

But she didn’t want to be back in the hospital and sheltered from all life around her.

It was essentially a double edged sword, and she was inconsolable.

“Fancy seeing you here.”

Logan looked behind her and smiled at John. “What are you doing here?”

“Just going for a walk, you?”

“I was just thinking. I should probably be getting home though,” Logan stood.

“Need a walk?” he asked.

“Sure,” Logan smiled as they began walking. She was reluctant to hold on to him for support but eventually she did.

“This was maybe a bad idea to walk,” Logan admitted.

“Nah,” he patted her hand that was linked around his arm, “We’ll be fine.”

“It’s nice to be around someone that doesn’t look at me like a dying puppy,” Logan said.

“Well you do look like one,” he joked before he shrugged, “No need to shelter you.”

“Why is that?”

“Logan… if you die, I mean, God forbid, but if you do you’re going to be pitied so much, right before and forever after. If you die then we’ve got a lifetime of sadness and pain coming our way. I’m not going to start until I need to,” he said simply, sadness dripping on his words.

Logan gave him a small smile, happy that he put everything she felt into the words she couldn’t find. But once he voiced them it made it too real, and it hurt her heart and mind to admit that.

They walked for a few more minutes before they heard a familiar voice. They stopped and looked at the man on the bench, speaking to some kids about some old war stories.

“Jimmy?” Logan asked.

The frail, old man turned around, a smile spreading across his face. “Well if it isn’t Logan and John. My favorite couple.”

The kids left and the two sat on either side of him.

“We’re actually not a couple anymore,” Logan said.

“Well that’s a shame,” he sighed. “How’s your treatment going, young lady?”

“Not so well,” she admitted. “How are you doing?”

“Well, the big C caught me as well,” he said, wheezing after every word.

“Welcome to the club,” Logan said sadly. It was then that she realized how sick he really looked. He was skinny and his arms hung at his sides looking useless. His cheek bones were sharp. Logan wondered if her disease was this obvious as well.

“It’s spreading fast?” John asked.

“I found out about five months ago. I’ve got a big tumor right here,” he patted the right side of his head. “They can’t do anything to help me.”

“How long do you have…?” Logan asked cautiously.

“Not long,” he smiled sadly, “I was supposed to die two months ago.”

Logan realized some tears forming in her eyes and when she chuckled at his last sentence they slipped down her cheeks. “You’re so awesome, Jimmy.”

“I’m not ready to die,” he told her.

Logan nodded her head sadly, realizing that she wasn’t ready either.

“John, would you mind giving Logan and I a moment?” Jimmy asked.

John smiled, nodding his head. He got up and walked a few yards away.

“You’re not fooling anyone with that smile, Miss,” he said.

“I would beg to differ,” Logan said, “I seem to be fooling some of my friends.”

“Well, not John,” he said simply.

“That’s not what you really want to talk about, is it?” she asked anxiously.

He smiled grimly, “No. I just wanted to tell you that you can’t beat cancer.”

“That’s not very encouraging…”

“I mean that,” he paused, “You can’t proclaim yourself free from the emotional toll just because you feel better sometimes.”

Logan knew what he was getting at. “When did you accept that you were going to die?”

“Oh, about forty years ago when I went to war,” he shrugged.

“So you weren’t scared of war?”

“I was scared out of my mind,” he exclaimed. “If you’re not afraid then you’re in denial.”

“So you should just accept fear all the time? That seems destructive,” Logan said.

“Not more destructive than living in denial of the reality you live in. It’s not bad to be afraid,” Jimmy said.

Logan didn’t know how to respond because she didn’t agree with him. Everything she was taught and encouraged to do was to be positive and strong, to accept fear only as failure.

It was just like Cody said, that she had to do it afraid. He had told her that fear is the absence of confidence, which is exactly what was necessary. Confidence while facing something more powerful than you would lead to something worse.

“If you make it real, then so will everyone else.”

She remembered how Kennedy had been the one, when he first found out, to accept the fact that she could die. She begged them all to take it seriously, but now she wished they wouldn’t. She didn’t want to be afraid.

She wanted to be cured.