Make Amends

John stared at his cell phone, a picture of she and him still the wallpaper even after this month. He looked at it like it would ring, like there was any chance she would call. Every time his phone rang he took in a deep breath before looking at who the call was from.

He would convince himself it wasn’t her, that way he wouldn’t be let down when it actually wasn’t. But he always felt disappointment when it was not her. He felt like a high schooler again, quietly waiting for the girl he was talking to to text him, feigning his disinterest when it wasn’t her.

He picked up his phone, unlocking it and dialing her number. He held it to his ear, just waiting for her voicemail to come so he could hear her voice. He had memorized it by now.

But it rang. It rang four or five times and then it cut to the familiar message. Her cell phone was on, and his mind was wired. What did this mean?

This was unlike John. He didn’t get lovesick. Even when his high school sweet heart had cheated on him, he was upset but he didn’t obsess over it. His friends took him out and he drank and he coped. But now, he didn’t even want to leave the house.

There was something about Logan Henderson that kept him waiting. He didn’t believe that she would just leave so easily, not after everything she had confessed to him about how she wasn’t afraid of what everyone said.

She was coming back. She had to. She had unfinished business here and he was willing to help. He could barely bring himself to be angry that she left, because he didn’t know why. He needed an explanation, he needed more.

++

Logan watched as the yellow sand passed her, feeling like it had been the only semblance of scenery she had seen all day. She felt nauseas from being in the car all day.

She and Kennedy hadn’t really spoken. It wasn’t awkward but she was preoccupied with what she would even say to the boys back home. She was nervous. Garrett would be so angry, and John would be so confused.

“Oh my God!” Kennedy exclaimed.

“What?” she asked, alarmed.

“We are now entering Surprise!” he said excitedly as the passed the sign welcoming them.

She laughed, “Do you remember when we-”

He shook his head, “Don’t bring it up.”

“Oh, you don’t want me to bring up the time when you tried to run away and this same truck broke down and I had to drive without a license to Surprise to come pick you up?” she laughed.

“I was fifteen and I didn’t have money for repairs! I couldn’t call anyone else,” he said.

“Oh man, your dad was so mad,” she laughed, “Oh, and then we went to Pizza Hut and we met those old people.”

“Surprise, Arizona, is the retirement capital of the west coast. It only consists of old people,” he said.

Logan laughed at the memory, “Why were you running away, anyways?”

“You don’t remember?” Logan shook her head no and he continued, “It was during one of the times when we weren’t dating and you totally made out with Eric and I was so mad.”

“It was just a simple game of spin the bottle,” she chuckled, “I kissed way less other boys than you did.”

“Well, I hope so,” he laughed.

“You know what I mean. You made out with plenty of girls when we weren’t dating,” Logan said.

He smiled guiltily, “When we were fifteen I totally made out with Carrie Bailey.”

“I knew it! I knew you were lying!” Logan laughed, “She’s a stripper now.”

“She’s a hot stripper,” Kennedy said.

“Oh, well that’s okay then,” she laughed, “How are you and your girlfriend-what’s her face-?”

He rolled his eyes, “Abbey and I are fine.”

“Cool,” she said flatly. Logan didn’t like Abbey. Before, she didn’t care, even when Abbey threw a drink in her face. But now that Logan and Kennedy were on better terms she realized Abbey wasn’t good enough. They were nothing alike. She denied that it was jealousy, but somewhere deep down she knew it was.

“Actually, we’re not doing that well… at all. She really hates you,” Kennedy said.

“And she’s not happy that you seem to hate me less,” Logan finished for him.

“I just wish she didn’t make me choose,” he said.

“Choose her.”

“What?”

“You’ve been dating for years, Kennedy. Don’t get me wrong, I like that you’re not calling me a slut every time we’re together, but you and I-we’ll never be the same. If you love this girl, don’t lose her over me,” Logan said. She felt like she was being cruel but she was really doing it for his own good.

Without even realizing it she was starting to do what she had done before. She was pushing him away.

“Logan? Why did you run? This time, I mean,” Kennedy asked.

She looked at him, “I’ll explain it later.” She didn’t want to tell him, not while they still had an extended car ride to go. He would find out soon, and she hoped that she wouldn’t have to find the words. Logan hoped that Kennedy would just find out when the physical signs of chemotherapy became evident.

But they already were. She had already lost weight and at night she woke up in cold sweats. Sometimes she got such bad headaches her balance was thrown off. She noticed something new every day. Today it was the severe stomach pain.

She knew it wouldn’t be long until they noticed, until all of them noticed that she wasn’t the same. Eric would see it immediately, because he had seen it all before. But the rest of them would probably notice her weight first.

From there it would spiral. That is, if she waited that long to tell them. Maybe she would tell them right when she got back, but she knew she would never have the courage. She would rather her outward appearance reflect her sickness than say a word to her friends.

Soon they were driving through the suburban streets of Phoenix. Logan felt her nerves building in the pit of her stomach, obviously radiating so much that Kennedy noticed.

“It’ll be fine, Lo. Garrett missed you too much to be angry,” Kennedy said.

“What about John?” she asked, though she was fully aware that Kennedy wouldn’t know the answer.

“If he loves you enough, you’ll be fine,” he said.

“So you didn’t love me enough?” she asked quietly.

“It was hard, but I forced myself to fall out of love, or at least convince myself that I could hate you,” Kennedy said.

“How did that work out for you?”

He looked at her, “It didn’t.”

They arrived at her apartment and Kennedy got her bag out of the bed of the truck.

“Thanks for bringing me back,” she said.

“My pleasure,” he said. They both stood only a few feet away, not sure how to leave each other. Finally Kennedy pulled her in, hugging her tight. Logan wasn’t sure, but this might have been the first embrace they had in four years, besides when he had kissed her at her graduation party.

She tightened her arms around him as butterflies filled in her stomach. She didn’t care that she was probably holding too tight, she closed her eyes and inhaled his familiar scent. She missed him, she missed him so much.

He chuckled softly and she could feel his chest rise and fall before he put his hand on the back of her head and kissed her hair, “We’ll all be okay, Lo. Nothing is that bad.”

She didn’t let go. She felt so safe, and so many memories washed over her. She didn’t know if this meant as much to Kennedy until he inhaled deeply and practically forced himself away from her.

Logan smiled awkwardly, “Um... thanks, again,” she stammered.

He scratched the back of his head and swayed from foot to foot, “Yeah, I’ll, uh, see you later.”

Logan walked up the stairs to her apartment, unlocking the door when she arrived. He was sitting on the couch, his back had previously been turned to her but when he heard the door unlock he spun around to face her.

She smiled weakly, unsure of his reaction. He started at her, as if he was scared she might disappear.

But soon his face turned upwards into a grin and he rushed her, engulfing her, “Oh, Logan,” he cried. He was actually crying, he was so happy.

“I’m so sorry,” she mumbled into his shoulder.

“Are you home? For good?” he asked.

“Mr. Brock is going to be my doctor,” she told him.

“I’ll take care of you. Look,” he said excitedly, pulling her along next to him. He took her to the kitchen and opened up the pantry. “I got all of your favorite snacks for when you go through chemo!”

Sure enough, the pantry was packed with anything she could have imagined. She hugged him, “Thank you.”

“I know you’re going to be really sick and miserable, but I already talked to the label and we’re scheduled to just write and record on and off for the next few months, so it will all work out,” Garrett said.

She knew it wouldn’t be that easy, but she smiled reassuringly, “I’m sure it will, Gare.”

“Are you hungry right now? Feeling weak or anything?”

“I’m fine,” she smiled, “I’ll make you dinner tonight, but I need to go see some people.”

Garrett looked at her knowingly, “He’s fragile right now. John, that is. Be careful.”

She nodded her head, “See you later, little bro.”

He caught her arm before she was able to get past him, “Thank you for coming home.”

She kissed his forehead, “I’ll be back.”

Logan got in her car, despising the beads of sweat that formed on the back of her neck instantly. July in Arizona was hell, literally. She drove to his apartment, knocking on the door hesitantly.

He opened it; the chain connected limiting his view. She smiled but he kept a straight face. He closed the door and Logan was expecting him to unlatch the chain but she didn’t hear it. She knocked again.

“Eric?” she called.

“Go away.”

“Halvo? Let me in,” she said, laughing softly.

He opened the door, “This isn’t funny.” He was serious. There was no joking in his eyes or any other emotion, he was deadpan.

“Let me explain,” she said.

He sighed before opening the door fully, allowing her entrance. She followed him to his bedroom so as not to disturb his roommates.

She sat down on his bed, laying her purse beside her. He stood in front of her, “You’re sick.”

“Yeah, I am.”

“You shouldn’t have run away. Not now. I love you so much, doesn’t that matter?” he asked, “And Garrett and John? Come on, Lo.”

“I was scared,” she said. “Kennedy came and got me.”

“You’re in denial, aren’t you? You have cancer, Logan. You need to tell everyone,” Eric said, angry.

“I just don’t want to believe it’s real,” she said, cowering under his loud voice.

He rolled his eyes, reaching for the envelope sticking out of her purse that she had received earlier in the day from the doctor. He held it in the tips of his fingers, fanning it in her face. “This is real, Logan! You’re tired, I can see it- fatigue. Your hand hasn’t moved from your stomach- abdominal pain. You’re breathing heavy after climbing one flight of stairs- shortness of breath.”

“Yeah, and I have a fever and I got a bruise after Kennedy had barely tapped my arm! I know it’s real!” she exclaimed.

“So then admit it! You probably start treatment soon, right? You’re going to be showing the signs soon,” he walked towards her, lightly gripping a fistful of her hair in his hand, “This hair, it’s going to be gone.”

He released her hair and moved his hand to her cheek, “You’re not going to be the same.”

She smacked his hand away, “God damn you, Eric! You don’t think I know? Let me enjoy the way I am before this stupid cancer changes me.”

“You have less than a month to figure out that this is your life, okay? This cancer is a part of you that will not be ignored. I know you dealt with it alone before, but you don’t have that option because too many people love you.”

Logan’s face scrunched in an effort to hold back the tears, but her voice cracked uncontrollably when she spoke, “What if I die?”

“Then you die in a place with people that love you, in your home.”

Tears slid down her face and she picked at her nails, “Why are you saying this, Eric? Do you even care about what happens?”

He sighed, sitting down next to her, “Of course I care. You’re the best friend I have. But I refuse to tell you I care until you tell me that you’re not leaving me again.”

“I’m home, for good,” she said.

He wrapped his arm around her and they laid back. She buried her face in his shoulder and cried, she sobbed. “Eric, I-I’m so scared.”

Halvo held onto her tightly, tears forming in his own eyes. He rubbed his hand up and down her shaking body, trying to calm her. It frightened him how clammy she felt, and how easily he could wrap his arms around her.

Logan had never opened up to Halvo like this. They had known each other their whole lives but they hadn’t been best friends until the last few years. They called each other in high school when they wanted a good time, not to talk about their feelings.

The only person to ever see her cry like this was Kennedy over stupid things that seemed so trivial now. She knew that soon she would have to let others in, and she probably would cry like this in front of a few other people over the scope of the next months. Logan didn’t like pity. Everyone she grew up with knew it. She didn’t like to complain even though she had the right to.

It had worked well for her up until the pain of being so closed off began to eat away at her. The one person that had been her escape vanished along with her ability to cope.

These tears were four years overdue.

Eric was glad that she was finally opening up because he was ready to help her. But it scared him to the ends of the earth to see this girl that had always been so strong crumble in his arms.

He couldn’t imagine how she felt. He could tell her it would be okay, and they would get through it. But who was he to say those things? He didn’t know if it would be okay, in fact he was sure that any way this went someone would get hurt before things got better.

All he could do was comfort her, and promise her that he would be there. He kissed her forehead over and over again, whispering in her ear that it would all be okay. She exhausted herself with the tears, and soon only quiet whimpers left her lips.

As she slowly drifted to sleep curled up tightly in his arms, Eric kissed her forehead once more before staring up at his blank ceiling and speaking the only thing left on his mind,

“Fuck cancer.”