Make Amends

Logan stared down at her hot chocolate, the whipped cream was almost gone and she was stirring the remnants in.

“How long have you been staring at that?”

She looked up, immediately flushing, “Um, I’m not sure.”

“May I join you?” he asked, already sitting.

“Of course,” Logan said, “I probably would have put a little bit of makeup on if I knew I would be seeing someone I knew. What brings you to Scottsdale, Brock?”

“Oh please. Are you forgetting who showed you this café?” he asked.

“Ah, yes, I remember now. We ran away from that field trip,” Logan laughed.

“Can I get you anything?” the waitress that had just arrived asked Kennedy.

“Um, I’ll take a coffee, and she’ll have another hot chocolate, I’m sure it’s cold by now,” he smirked.

“No problem,” she smiled before leaving the couple alone.

“John has been a wreck,” he said flatly.

“You sound really upset by that,” Logan chuckled.

“I feel bad for him, yeah, but I just—I don’t know. How are you holding up?” he said, changing the subject.

She shrugged, looking back at her chocolate milk, “Not so well. But I’ve been hanging out with Eric and Garrett for the past few days so it has taken my mind off of it.”

“Do you love him?” Kennedy asked before nodding a thank you to the waitress that brought their drinks, “John, that is.”

“I think so, yeah,” she said.

“Remember our last night together?” he asked out of the blue.

“Of course I do,” she said hesitantly.

“What about Kennedy junior?”

“No,” Logan faked a laugh at his joke. It was becoming so hard to fake everything.

“Well, what do you want to name him?”

“I don’t know,” she pretended to think for a moment, “We still have plenty of time.”

“You didn’t even correct me that it could have been a girl,” he said, “Does that mean you hope it’s a boy too?”

“No, it doesn’t,” she said, “It doesn’t mean anything.”

“Are you okay tonight, babe? You seem a little cranky,” he said, rubbing her stomach lightly.

“I guess it’s just a mood swing. They said that would happen,” Logan said.

“Let’s go lay down then,” he said taking her hand and leading her up the stairs. Her belly was beginning to show, to the point where older women sent her small smiles in public places.

His room was mostly in boxes, as was hers. His bed was the only piece of furniture still there. They lay down next to each other, immediately falling into that mold that was so easy as they cuddled closely.

“So tomorrow, did you want to come to sign the lease?” he asked.

“Count me out,” she said, formulating a lie so quickly it almost frightened her, “I told Garrett I would go out to breakfast with him.”

“Fair enough. Is it crazy to you that this time tomorrow we’ll be lying in our own bed in our own apartment?” he asked.

“Yeah,” she said, picking at her nails, “I wouldn’t have guessed this to happen to us.”

“I don’t regret it, babe,” he said, kissing the top of her head, “Soon we’re going to have a little baby running around. I mean, a human that is just the perfect mix of the two of us. I’m so excited.”

“I always knew you’d be a good dad,” she said absentmindedly.

“I’ll try,” he said smugly.

“Hey, Kennedy?” she questioned, tilting her head to looked up at him.

“Yes, Logan?” he chuckled.

“You know I love you, right?”

“Well I hope so,” he said jokingly.

She put her hand on his chest, “No, I mean, I really love you. This baby, it’s going to complicate us, but whatever happens... you know—even four years down the line when we’re finally able to settle down, just know that at this moment, I have never loved you more.”

He smiled at her, giving a strange look, “What’s going on with you?”

She bit the inside of her lip, “I’m getting tired.”

“Take a little nap, baby,” he said, shifting so she could get comfortable.

“Tell me that you love me too,” she said, almost begging.

He sighed, shaking his head, “Logan Nickelsen, you are the love of my life and you always have been. No matter anything you do or anything that happens to us, I will love you forever.”

“So… four years later,” Kennedy said, chuckling awkwardly.

“Some promises are hard to keep,” she said, taking a sip of her drink.

“I should have known something was wrong. I should have known,” he said.

“No, you shouldn’t have. You had no clue what was going on in my head. It was hard, too,” Logan said.

She saw a twinge of pain come across his face and she knew what was coming next, “Tell me why?”

“Kennedy…”

“I just… I just want to know. I don’t want to fight and I don’t want to yell. Please, Logan,” he begged, reaching for her.

She looked down at his hand that rested atop hers and she sighed. She wished she could tell him, just blurt it out right now. But there were so many people around and he would take it harder than John did.

And John hadn’t taken it very well.

“I-I have to go,” she stammered, grabbing her bag and standing, “Later. I’ll tell you later.”

She practically ran out of the café before he could say another word. She got in her car and drove home. When she arrived she was met by her little brother.

“Hey there, sis!” he said.

“Hi…?” she laughed, setting down her purse and hanging her keys.

“I’m going to need you to leave for a little bit,” he said.

She groaned, “Garrett, I just got home. If this has to do with some girl naked in your bed, I’ll put earplugs in.”

“Fine,” he sighed, “Go to your room and don’t you dare come out until I say so.”

“You’re the weirdest person I have ever met,” she said before walking past him to her bedroom.

She lay down on her bed and curled up with the stuffed animal she had had since she was five. She had to go see Mr. Brock soon to talk about her treatment, but she was already so scared.

It wasn’t the being sick part or finding out about the treatment. She had done her research and she knew everything that he would tell her. Logan was nervous to see him, and how their relationship would complicate her and Kennedy’s.

She knew there was doctor-patient confidentiality, but what would happen when Kennedy found out? He would start asking questions.

She had to tell him soon, but every time she went through a scenario, or a conversation, it always ended up at a dead end, or with one of them getting their heart broken.

Logan’s head began to hurt and she closed her eyes. Eventually she began to fall asleep; she was so tired lately.

Later she was woken up to someone jumping on her bed, “Wake up! Wake up!”

She groaned and looked up at Eric as he straddled her waist, “Eric, I’m tired.”

“I know, kid,” he actually sympathized, “But there’s a surprise waiting for you!”

She lifted her eyebrows as he pulled her out of the bedroom. In the living room were all of her friends, the very few of them. They all were facing her, smiling.

Justin Richards grinned, handing her a drink, “Hey kiddo, surprised to see me?”

She hugged him, “I’m surprised to see all of you!”

Eric, Justin, and all of her brother’s band was there, except John. Most of them had their girlfriends with them, whom Logan had met only a few times.

“We’re throwing a welcome home party,” Garrett said.

“And we all just wanted a reason to get together and drink,” Eric added.

“Well that is very nice of you in a very selfish way,” she said, “I wasn’t gone long enough for a welcome home party, anyways.”

“Drink up!” Garrett said to everyone. They all began chatting and making small conversation and Logan felt happy. She was happy that these people were here for her… kind of. She made eyes with Kennedy across the room a few times, but successfully dodged his advances by literally running in a different direction.

Logan sat down on the couch, away from most of her friends. She was drinking water since alcohol probably wasn’t the best before a doctor’s appointment.

“How are you feeling?” Halvo asked as he sat close to her, resting his arm on the part of the couch where her shoulders rested.

“A little sick,” she told him honestly, “Like, nauseas.”

“Do you think you need to go to the hospital?” he asked, alarmed.

“No, no,” she laughed softly, putting her hand on his knee to calm him, “I’m fine.”

He frowned at her, “You’ve been putting makeup on your arms?”

She folded them to her chest, “I have a lot of bruises. It’s weird, last time this didn’t happen. But now I bruise if someone barely touches me.”

“This sucks,” he sighed, “But let’s not talk about it. How are you and John?”

“From one horrible topic to another,” she mumbled, “Uh, non-existent at the moment.”

“Why?”

“We haven’t spoken. I told him, did he mention that?”

His eyes went wide, “What did he say?”

“He asked me to leave,” Logan said, “You haven’t talked to him?”

“No, Kennedy said he’s been really crabby and irritable and I was not about to deal with that,” he said.

“Should I call him?” Logan asked.

“No,” Eric said, looking over his shoulder, “It looks like you won’t have to.”

She followed his eyes to the front door where John was entering. He greeted everyone with smiles and handshakes, immediately accepting a drink that Jared offered to him.

Logan sighed as she stood up. Eric wished her good luck before she walked over to John.

“Can we talk?” she asked quietly.

He took a sip of his drink and ultimately decided, “Lead the way.”

They walked to her bedroom and Logan shut the door behind them. She sat on her bed awkwardly, trying to think of the first words to say, but he beat her to it.

“Are you going to die?”

Logan looked at him with a blank stare, “I don’t know.”

“Wrong.”

“Excuse me?”

“That’s the wrong answer,” he said, sitting down next to her.

“Do you have a better one?”

“Tell me you’re going to live. Tell me that you beat this once and you can do it again,” he said, taking her hand, “Tell me it’s going to be okay.”

“I don’t want to lie to you anymore, John,” she choked, “I can’t tell you that it’s going to be okay because I don’t know.”

A tear slipped down his cheek, “Why can’t you sugarcoat it?”

“John,” Logan said, wiping under eyes and sitting up, “People that come out of remission have way less of a chance of surviving. Chemotherapy is going to be hard.”

“Logan, stop…” he begged.

“No, you have to understand the extent of this. Once I start the chemo I’m going to be awful. This hair,” she said, taking a handful of her hair just like Eric did a few days ago, “It’s going to be gone.”

“No,” he protested.

“I’m going to be sick all of the time. And if it doesn’t work—you know, after the cycles I go through, then I’ll move onto more evasive treatment. And if that doesn’t work-”

“Don’t say it.”

“I’ll die,” she finished, crying now, “You have to know that I might die, John. I don’t want to and I’m terrified.”

He stood and paced in front of her, running his finger tips through his hair over and over again. His eyes were bloodshot and he just looked so sad. Finally he stopped and looked at her before getting down on his knees before her.

He took her hands and held them, “But you might live.”

“John…” she tried to pull away.

He held her hands tightly in place, “No! I understand that you could die but you could also live. And when all of the cancer is gone we’ll be right back where we were—in love. We’ll live our lives together. And if we break up it will be because of something trivial, not because you died. Okay?”

She looked at him, “John, this is big. Please don’t tell me you’ll be here when you won’t. I’m giving you a chance. Get out now before this cancer consumes me.”

“I don’t want to,” he breathed, “I want to take care of you and I want to stay here. Logan, it doesn’t matter that you hurt me before, because it doesn’t even compare to how hurt I will be knowing that you are dying somewhere.”

“I love you,” she said, “I love you, a lot.”

He put his hand on her cheek, “You’re my friend, Logan, before anything. If I stop loving you someday, you will never not be one of my greatest friends. I know that this complicates things, especially with Kennedy.”

She opened her mouth to speak but he shook his head and continued, “But I don’t care. This relationship we have right now-- this raw, loving, intense feelings—that won’t ever change. I love you, and I’m in love with you, but the first is the only thing I’m concerned about.”

Logan broke a smile through her tears that had changed from sorrow to joy. She kissed him softly, realizing how much she had missed his lips.

“Want to go back out there?” he asked.

“Not really,” she laughed softly, “I’m exhausted.”

“Come on,” he said, kissing her cheek. His next words would be what she would repeat to herself over and over again.

“Don’t show this cancer that you’re weak, because we are going to beat it.”