Make Amends

“I think I’m going to throw up.”

Logan rolled her eyes, “You’re the one who wanted to watch the procedure on YouTube.”

“It looks so gross though,” Garrett whined.

“It’s only two incisions!” she told him, “Tell him, John.”

“Mm, it freaks me out too. They put the catheter underneath your skin, Lo! That’s weird!” he said.

Logan had been sitting on the couch between John, Garrett, and Eric as they sat around her laptop watching the procedure she would be getting in a few days, but now she stood.

“It takes like, an hour. I don’t even have to be put to sleep. You guys shouldn’t be freaking out,” she said.

“What day is this happening again?” John asked.

“Wednesday,” Logan said, “Can you be there?”

“I’ll be there,” John smiled.

“Are you nervous, little baby?” Eric asked, ruffling her hair.

“Kind of,” she admitted, “Just because it brings me closer to chemo.”

“You’re going to be fine, sis,” Garrett said, “We’ll take care of you and then we’ll all be fine.”

“You don’t know that,” Logan said.

“Think positive,” John said as he dug his hand into a bag of popcorn.

Logan let out a breath, “I’m not sure you guys understand the magnitude of what’s going on here.”

“Of course we understand it,” Garrett said, “But we’re not going to sit here and sulk about it.”

“I’m not asking you to sulk, I’m asking you to realize that I might not live, and that’s a fact,” she said, “You’re all acting like it’s some taboo subject and it’s not. It’s real and it’s screaming at me, loud and clear.”

She stood up and started picking up the mess in the living room anxiously as all of the boys sat around her. She felt bad for snapping at them, and she knew that if she was on the correct sleep schedule she would be less irritable. But everything she said was still true.

She felt John behind her and he spoke low so only she could hear, “Are you okay? Do you need some food or something?”

“I’m fine,” she said, annoyed, “You guys are just acting so oblivious and it’s stressing me out.”

“We’re not oblivious,” he said defensively, “Do you not understand that it’s too hard to sit and think about that stuff. It’s easier to just hope and pray that you’ll be okay.”

“Well, I’m glad your life is so easy while I have to worry about this pressure that you’re putting on me,” she said.

“What pressure?” he asked.

“The pressure to be strong, and to beat this cancer. I don’t have a choice, John. I went to church and I know God and I know He already has my life planned out. I can’t change what will happen and you all won’t be prepared,” she said firmly.

Logan stormed out of her apartment, feeling bad that she slammed the door in John’s face. She knew that John, Eric, and Garrett would just stare at each other dumbfounded, but this time she honestly prayed that none of them came chasing after her.

She took the back staircase to the roof, only having to climb a few flights before she reached the top. It wasn’t really made to be a balcony type roof, but it was safe to stand on. She sat on the ledge where a neck sat right below, as to catch anyone’s fall.

The block she was sitting on was wide enough to lay down on, and she did, not caring that it was dirty. She rested her hands behind her head and looked up at the sky. Most of the stars were barely visible and it made her frown. It was actually a nice night in Arizona, and it would be perfect to get away from the city and see the stars.

She thought of Kennedy, and how they used to always on their roofs on clear nights and look at the stars. Sometimes they wouldn’t talk for an hour at a time, but it didn’t matter. It was so peaceful.

She missed nights like these; she needed them more often. Things were so tense and high strung, and Logan would be the first to admit that she was taking it the worst. She just wanted to get away, and to not talk about the cancer.

So she pulled out her cell phone and dialed his number.

“Yellow?”

She chuckled, “Hey Kenny.”

“Hey, Lo, what’s up?” he responded.

“Do you want to go out to the lake with me?” she asked, feeling slightly dumb now. Were they friends? Was this okay?

“Is everything okay?”

“Um… yeah,” she said, “I’ll pick you up in ten minutes?”

“Okie dokie,” he said before hanging up.

Logan walked back into her apartment, thankful that the boys were completely enthralled with the video game on the screen and didn’t even hear her. She grabbed her purse and keys before slipping back out. She drove to Kennedy’s apartment that he shared with John and honked her horn.

He jogged out to her car, holding a blanket. He climbed in and grinned at her, “I brought wine.”

“Perfect,” she said before they drove off.

They arrived at the secluded spot they always went to. Kennedy laid out the blanket and Logan opened the wine.

“This is pretty white trash,” Logan laughed as she took a sip of the wine out of the bottle.

He took it from her, taking a swig, “Whatever. What’s going on?”

“There was some arguing in my house,” she said quietly, “I just needed to get out.”

“What about?” he pressed.

“Can we not talk about it?” she asked, laying back.

Kennedy followed suit and they both looked at the sky. They were quiet for a few minutes and Logan felt relaxed. It didn’t matter that she was next to Kennedy or not, it was just nice.

“You see that group?” Kennedy asked, pointing up with his index finger and closing one eye to focus.

“There are a lot of stars up there,” she laughed, trying to follow his finger.

He sighed and grabbed her hand, making her point to where he was. He kept her hand around hers and spoke, “That’s Orion.”

She smiled, “You actually know the names now?”

He shrugged and released her hand, “I did some research.”

Logan nodded at him and tried not to notice the goose bumps left on her skin even after they had ceased contact. She had missed him so much.

“I never thought we’d get here,” he said nostalgically.

“We’ve had this conversation before,” she said.

“I just want to tell you, you know, that I’m sorry. The things I said.. I said them because I was hurt, and I know that’s not an excuse, but I really missed this. Four years away did us well,” he said.

Her mind was wrecked with guilt as he apologized for words he would have never said if she had just been honest in the first place. She just nodded her head and smiled, “I’m glad we’re here too.”

“Where’d you get this bruise from?” Kennedy asked, carefully tracing his fingertips over the purple skin on her hipbone.

She pulled down her shirt that had been riding up, “Um, I ran into the kitchen counter.”

“Still a klutz, I see,” he laughed.

Logan and Kennedy didn’t talk very much as they watched the sky. They only drank a small amount because Logan knew she would have to drive home and Kennedy said he didn’t want her to ‘take advantage of him’, so he didn’t drink much either.

“Hey, lovebirds.” The two shielded their eyes from the flashlight being shined in their faces. Once their eyes had recovered they saw the police officer standing in front of them.

“Wait, Logan Nickelsen and Kennedy Brock?”

Kennedy stood and laughed when he saw who it was, “Chris Hawkes. What’s up man?”

“Topher!?” Logan questioned, standing up.

“Hey, Lo,” he said, hugging her, “It’s been too long.”

“Wow, kid, you must be straight out of the academy, huh? You look fresh,” Kennedy said.

“Yeah, man. I just hit the bit two-oh. I’m not that annoying little kid that lived down the street from you anymore. I can’t believe you guys are still together, I guess I should have expected it,” the boy said.

Logan took advantage of the fact that Chris didn’t know about everything that had happened, “Were you just about to bust us?”

“Yeah,” he laughed, “This is private property so you guys kind of aren’t allowed to be here.”

“Oh, all right, man,” Kennedy said as Logan gathered the blanket.

“Good seeing you two,” Chris said, “Invite me to the wedding.”

The two laughed and said goodbye to him. As they drove home Kennedy started laughing.

“Way to not deny that we’re still together,” he said.

Logan’s eyes went wide, “Wow, I honestly didn’t even think about it.”

“I was going to follow your lead,” he said.

She shook her head, chuckling, “Unbelievable.”

They soon arrived back at his house, “Want to come in?”

She looked around for John’s car and agreed when she saw it wasn’t there.

Logan took off her shoes and laid down her purse. She started to feel dizzy and gripped the wall for support, opening and closing her eyes in fluid motions to try and regain focus. The last thing she heard Kennedy say was, “Are you okay?”

She woke up on Kennedy’s couch by him resting the back of his hand on her forehead.

“What happened?” she asked.

“You passed out a few minutes ago, and you have a fever and you’re all clammy. Are you sick?” he asked.

She sat up slowly, keeping her eyes closed to help with the dizziness, “May I have some water?”

He handed her the glass he had already gotten her and she took small sips before handing it back to him. He sat it down in the coffee table behind him. He was kneeling in front of her, lightly rubbing her back as she took deep breaths.

“Sorry about that,” she said.

“Do you want me to take you to the hospital?” he asked.

“No, no,” she said, “I’m sure it’s just a bug.”

“I’ll take you home,” he said, beginning to stand.

She grabbed his wrist and pulled him back down, “No, please.”She didn’t want to go back there where all those boys were that would be so worried. They would force her to go to the hospital.

He looked at her strangely before sitting back down on the couch next to her, “What’s going on, Logan?”

She took in a deep breath, “I have to tell you something.”

Logan was shaking in fear. She was nervous for his reaction, but at this point she almost didn’t care. He couldn’t respond worse than she was already expecting, and this impending confrontation was just adding to her stress. She seriously expected to die of a heart attack before the cancer could even touch her.

He knew the gravity of the situation by just her tone of voice, “What’s going on?”

She stood up and paced in front of him, trying to find the best way to word it. But there was no other way to say it, so she spit it out, “I have cancer.”

He stared at her, dumbfounded, “What?”

“When I left four years ago, it was because I had to get treatment. And I’ve come out of remission,” she said calmly.

She saw him go pale, “Oh, my God.”

“Kennedy-”

“You didn’t abort my baby?” he said, unbelieving as he stood up.

“Yes, but I had to,” she said, “But not for the reasons you thought.”

He gripped his hair in his hands, “No.”

“Yes, Kenny.”

“No, no, no,” he said, his voice elevating with each repetition.

“Tell me what you’re thinking,” Logan said, trying to mediate the situation and keep it calm.

“I feel… like I’ve just been punched in the face,” he told her honestly.

“That’s not good,” she said, out of breath.

“Are you going to die?” he asked, blunt.

She chuckled ironically, “Well if that isn’t the million dollar question of the night.”

“Logan,” he said firmly, keeping her on track.

“I don’t know, Kennedy. How should I have any idea?” she questioned.

He had begun crying now. Not sobbing, but his eye lids were beginning to droop and the whites of his eyes were turning red. His hands had begun shaking and he kept glancing around him, like maybe it was a dream he would wake up from.

Logan noticed how different he reacted from John, even different from what she expected. Both John and Garrett had ignored her when they found out before coming back and telling her they would be there. But Kennedy had always worn his heart on his sleeve, and right now it was making Logan’s stomach hurt.

“Why didn’t you tell me four years ago?” he asked helplessly.

“I didn’t think I would die then. Kennedy, I would have called you if it got worse,” she said.

“Worse? How could it be worse? Logan, I spent four years despising who you were as a person because you lied, while you laid alone and dying! How do you think that makes me feel?” he questioned.

“I-I don’t know,” she said cowardly, “But I’m sick and your dad is my doctor. He’s going to treat me.”

“This is unbelievable,” he said, pacing up and down the living room.

“I should just go,” she said beginning to walk to the door.

He grasped her wrist, “No, please don’t.”

She stared into his green pools and was able to read every single emotion going through his body. He was terrified.

“Are you going to die?” he asked again.

“Kennedy-”

“No, Logan,” he protested, “You said you didn’t think you would die four years ago, so what do you think now?”

She didn’t know why she just immediately began crying. She tried to control her shaking body but it was becoming harder. All of the emotions from earlier in the day along with the ones right now were mixing and becoming overwhelming. She collapsed onto the floor and leaned her back against the couch. It was mostly because she was overcome with emotion, and partly because her legs gave out on her from lack of energy.

“I have this horrible feeling in my stomach, Kenny. But how would I know if that means anything? Cancer isn’t psychological, it’s physical. But everyone believes that I’m going to beat it and it is making it so much worse,” she said, rushed.

“Everyone knows?” he asked, his breathing becoming staggered.

“Just Garrett and Eric… and John,” she said.

“And they all think you’re going to live?”

“They are taking it so lightly. I could die, Kennedy. I could die and then what? You are all a mess because you decided to look at the ‘glass half full’. But what’s even worse is every time they tell me I’ll be okay it reminds me that I have a better chance at dying,” she said, crying now.

Kennedy stood, motionless. He didn’t say a word and she felt so guilty. She wished he would have reacted like John. It would have been so much easier.

“I could die!” she yelled, bringing him back to the situation. He looked at her, and she knew his mind was a million miles away. He walked towards her slowly, and when they were toe to toe she was able to see his cheeks glistening with fallen tears. He kneeled down to her level.

He took in a breath and lifted her chin with his fingertips, “You could die.”

She nodded her head and he didn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around her. They fell into each other and she wasn’t sure who was embracing who, because they both rocked back and forth.

They weren’t sobbing, but just holding each other with a realization that this might be it-- made it therapeutic.

She had never felt safer in his arms.