Make Amends

Kennedy stared up at the ceiling, his palms resting against the back of his head. He listened to the girl next to him breathe at a timely rhythm.

The sun had risen a few hours ago but he hadn’t moved. He was supposed to go to the lake with Abbey today, but he had turned off his phone. He didn’t want to talk to anyone.

He felt tired, like he didn’t have any energy left. He had cried, hard. While he was crying and he and Logan consoled each other there was only one word he kept saying to himself over and over.

Why?

Their lives were complicated enough. It felt like things were just piling on, but he knew it was just the opposite. It had always been this one thing—the cancer. She let this disease tear them apart.

And he was angry.

But there was so much more of him that admired her. This girl sleeping soundly next to him curled up snugly in his blankets had been so strong. She handled this with only the help of Cody in a place that was so unfamiliar.

But the worst part was that Kennedy had only added to her pain. He left her out in the cold when she needed him most.

She stirred next to him but he didn’t look at her. She opened her eyes and closed them quickly at the harsh light. She curled up farther in the blankets.

“Did you sleep at all?”

He shook his head, “No.”

She sat up and looked at him, “I can tell.”

He moved his eyes to meet hers, “I have a lot on my mind.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

He thought for a moment. Of course he wanted to talk. He wanted every moment back that he had wasted despising her, he wanted to tell her everything he was feeling and everything he had felt. But at the moment he couldn’t even think straight. It was all about her.

“How do you feel?” he asked, changing the subject.

“Better,” she said, “I feel way less stressed.”

“Well that makes one of us,” he said, rubbing a hand over his face.

“I’m sorry it was so abrupt,” she said.

“I should have figured it out,” he said, “I should have known you would never do something like that without good reason.”

“There was no way you could have known,” she said, “I hid it from everyone.”

“But we were supposed to be in love, Logan. I’ve known you our whole lives, but I was just so angry that we weren’t having a baby and I needed someone to blame,” he said.

“And I gave you someone to blame. That was the point, Kenny,” she said.

“I could have helped you,” he said.

“I would have beaten it either way, Ken. I don’t regret that decision, because look at where you’re at now? You get to do what you love on a daily basis.”

“So you had it all planned out, huh?” he asked.

“Yes,” she replied.

“So what’s your plan now?” he asked.

“I-I don’t know…” she muttered.

“You have to have a plan,” he said, almost begging.

“I didn’t plan to come out of remission, Kennedy. But so far, all I know is I go in for treatment next week. You guys aren’t touring and neither is Eric so I won’t be alone. I’m not doing it alone this time,” she said, “I refuse.”

“Can I do anything to help?” he asked.

“You could not hold this against me,” she said.

“You’re sick, Lo. Things are bigger than heartbreak,” he said.

“But if your heart is still broken mine will be too, and it will only make this harder,” she told him honestly.

“You broke my heart four years ago, Logan. That won’t change. And honestly, it hurts even more to know that it was preventable in some way. You made a choice and it broke my heart,” Kennedy said.

“It hurt just as much to do it,” she said bashfully.

“I know, I know. But that’s the past, okay? We don’t need to focus on that,” he said.

She sighed, laying back. They both stared up at the ceiling and Logan spoke, “I don’t want to focus on the cancer either.”

Kennedy paused for a moment before he sat up, forcing a smile because he actually was excited. “I have an idea.”

“Should I be worried?”

“I’m picking you up at eight tonight. We’re all going out,” he said, “Go home.”

She laughed and followed his instructions. He walked her out and when they reached the door she turned to him.

“Thanks for letting me crash here,” she said.

“It was the least I could do…” he said, a twinge of sadness in his words.

“And thanks for crying with me. You reacted… so much better than I thought,” she said.

“Well I’m a mess on the inside so don’t jinx it,” he told her honestly.

She frowned slightly, “I’ll see you tonight.”

He pulled her into a tight hug and she rested her head under his chin. He kissed the top of her head and spoke into her ear, “Please don’t leave me again.”

She pulled away and wiped the tears hanging on her eyelashes that were threatening to run down her cheeks. It was becoming harder and harder to be around Kennedy and keep it together.

“Bye,” she muttered before leaving his house.

Logan drove home and shook her head in dismay at the mess in her living room. There were pizza boxes and beer and Chinese food cartons all over the tables. The TV was still on, a video game paused.

Garrett had had a sleepover.

Eric, John, Garrett, Pat, Jared, Austin, Tim… everyone was passed out in her living room. It was almost noon and none of them showed signs of life anytime soon, so she didn’t even try to be quiet.

As she walked past John who was sprawled out on the floor she felt his hand wrap around her ankle, scaring her half to death.

“Let go,” she laughed.

“Come down here,” he said quietly.

She sighed and kneeled down next to him, waiting for him to talk.

“Come closer, my darling,” he said in a raspy voice.

She shook her head and lay down, “Please stop talking like the Godfather.”

“Are we okay… from last night?” he asked.

She gave him a faint smile, “Yeah, we’re okay. I was just really overwhelmed.”

“I know,” he said, rubbing circles on her shoulder, “We’ll be more sensitive to how you feel from now on.”

“Thanks,” she said, “I told Kennedy.”

“Is that where you were all night?” he asked.

“Yes,” she said, “We talked and… I think we’re going to be okay.”

“That’s great,” he smiled encouragingly.

“He’s planning something for us to do tonight,” she told him.

“I know,” he said, “He already texted me. Once Eric wakes up he’s supposed to pick out what you’re going to wear.”

Logan laughed, “Of course. I’m going to clean up. Wake everyone up, it smells in here,” she said as she stood.

She walked to the kitchen and began doing the dishes. She was wearing short shorts and a tank top, her hair on the top of her head. She was humming along to a song she couldn’t even name and lightly dancing on her toes as she moved across the kitchen putting the pots and pans away.

“Nice moves,” she heard from behind her.

She stopped humming and slowly put the dish away before she turned to look at the boy looking in the refrigerator, “Thanks.”

He laughed as he closed the door and looked at her, “I don’t know if you remember me, I’m-”

“Austin Gibbs,” she finished for him, “I told you that I love you, remember? How could I forget?”

“That’s right,” he said.

“Did you boys have fun last night while I was gone?”

“Yeah, it’s nice to hang out with the boys once in a while. It’s also funny watching your little brother get drunk, that’s why I come anyways,” he laughed.

Logan smiled and chuckled softly, opening her mouth to speak. But she started to feel dizzy and gripped the counter for support. She could hear mumbles falling from her lips but nothing was making sense.

She fell to the ground and passed out.

She woke up to an ice pack being held against her forehead and a group of concerned boys around her. Her head was resting in Eric’s lap and they were still in the kitchen.

“There she is,” Eric smiled, moving the ice pack to her cheeks before back to her forehead.

“What happened?” she asked.

“We were just talking about Garrett getting drunk and dancing on tables when you started speaking gibberish and you fell down,” Austin said from her side.

“Are you okay, Logan?” Jared asked.

“She’s fine,” Garrett responded quickly, “She’s been feeling a little sick lately. Like the flu or something.”

Logan sat up, closing her eyes like it would stop the dizziness, “Shut up, Garrett.” She opened her eyes and met all of their confused faces, “Boys, I have cancer.”

“What?” Pat questioned.

“Yep,” she said, “I start treatment next week.”

They guys in the group that didn’t know yet seemed stunned. They were unsure of what to say, especially because she didn’t know them as well, or not anymore.

But it took courage. She had only met Austin one other time and spent limited time with Jared and Tim, and she felt fine telling them. Pat was another part of her past and she was still comfortable. It wasn’t a secret anymore, it was her life. She couldn’t run anymore, she had to embrace it.

“Wow, Lo, I don’t know what to say,” Jared said.

“You don’t have to say anything,” she said, “I just wanted you all to know.”

Logan saw that Pat’s face resembled what Garrett and Kennedy’s had. He felt guilty for all those things he had said to her. But she didn’t have the energy to tell him it was okay. Instead she just patted his shoulder and sent him a smile that he faintly returned.

“Do you need to go to the hospital?” John asked.

“No,” she said, holding her hands out and thanking the boys who helped her up, “I’m fine.”

“Logan…” Eric started.

“Really, I’m fine,” she said, trying to sound sure of herself and polite, “I’m going to shower. Try to clean up a little bit, please.”

Logan sauntered to her bedroom and immediately turned on the water, letting it run cold. She undressed and studied her bare body, self-conscious thoughts filling her head.

She was really thin, almost too thin. She had bruises all over her arms and around her nose was dried blood from some nosebleed not long ago. Her eyes were sunken in from a lack of sleep and her skin that used to tan so easily was becoming pale.

This stage of cancer was the worst for self-esteem, because she felt as if people would just think she was on drugs because of her sunken in eyes, abused because of her bruises, or anorexic because of her weight.

Once she lost her hair, it would be obvious. She didn’t want to shave her head this time though, she wanted any chance she could have for her hair to stay. Maybe this time chemo wouldn’t make her as sick, but probably not.

Logan showered, a few salty tears mixing in with the fresh water. She dried her hair and curled it before lying down and watching Eric make a mess of her closet as he tried to find her something to wear.

She told him that it would be easier if she knew what they were doing so she could find something, but he insisted it stay a secret. He eventually sent her to the living room to play videogames with Garrett until it was time to get ready.

Eric had picked out a red dress that she hadn’t seen or worn in ages, and black pumps. She got dressed and studied herself in the mirror, actually pleased for the first time in a while.

Kennedy arrived at eight o’clock sharp and grinned when Logan answered the door.

“You look great,” he told her.

“You don’t look so bad yourself,” she smiled, studying his button down shirt and nice pants that Eric and Garrett mirrored.

Abbey was waiting for them in the car wearing a flowing blue dress that fit her perfectly. The car ride was a bit awkward but it brightened when Logan caught sight of the place they were headed.

“We’re going salsa dancing!?”

“I told you she’d like it,” Kennedy said, looking at Eric in the backseat.

“You ready to show us some of those old moves, Nickelsen?” he asked.

She smiled at the last name he called her by, “You’re on, Halvorsen.”

When they got inside they met up with John, Jared, and Pat. Jared and Pat had girls with them that Logan had met a few times before. She set down her clutch and grabbed Eric’s hands, “Dance with me?”

He grinned and pulled her to the floor. They followed the couple on the stage that danced in front of the band and the rest of the people on the dance floor. The lights were dim and it was semi-crowded, making Logan enjoy it more.

She loved dancing, and she missed it so much. She and Kennedy used to dance all the time, much to his protest, just to help her practice for competitions and recitals. Salsa was her favorite.

Eric couldn’t keep up with her and soon Kennedy took over. She automatically felt more comfortable as he twirled her and dipped her down beneath his arm, smiling all the way through.

“Your girlfriend doesn’t look very happy,” she said before she spun out from their close embrace.

He pulled her back in, still smiling, “I don’t really care.”

As the dance got more intense Logan couldn’t stop smiling. She felt more alive than she ever had, and for the first time the cancer wasn’t what she was thinking about. All that was on her mind was the next step her feet would take.

She showed John how to salsa and even taught Garrett some moves. She ignored their concerned glances and always cut them off when they asked her if she needed to rest. She knew she would feel it in the morning, but she didn’t care.

For the first time since she had gotten diagnosed, there wasn’t a cloud over her. And as she danced with Kennedy and things so easily fell back into place like they used to, she felt confident.

Confident that she could beat this, just so that she could have nights like these more often.