Make Amends

Logan’s feet padded softly against the ground. Like she was trying not to disturb the grass beneath her, like it even mattered. She held flowers in her hands: yellow roses, his favorites.

It was a gloomy day. Dark and cloudy and humid, seasonable for Arizona. Thunderstorms came at random times in the high desert. The forecast showed it should be this way all week, and most of the locals were excited. It was a nice break from the late August sun.

But today it was unwelcome, at least in Logan’s eyes. She reached his headstone and read her father’s name. There were some fresh flowers but she didn’t know who had placed them. Maybe Anne, but Logan wasn’t sure if the divorced couple were even on good terms.

She set down the flowers and then sat down in front of the headstone, crossing her legs and picking at the grass. She couldn’t help but let her mind flash back to the last time she saw him. He was so gaunt and weak, looking like he was rotting away in that hospital room. It wasn’t the result of chemo, no; it was just the leukemia eating him away.

She wondered if she would be like that at some point… if she would eventually become too weak for even a stem cell transplant. She hoped she would never look like that. At that point she would silently pray they would just pull the plug.

Her heart broke for Garrett. That poor kid already lost his father, and he might lose his sister to the same disease. He had seen too much death in too short a time, it would break him. And he wouldn’t have anyone he could go to.

Sure he was close with his mom, and his friends were great people. But how do you get over the loss of a family member? And Logan hated to sell her dad short, but they could deal with his death. They weren’t extremely close with him, but Garrett and Logan had always been best friends.

Maybe it had to do with the fact that they didn’t have the same biological mom. As they got older they realized they weren’t genetically destined to fight all the time, they didn’t. They also shared the same friends, which made it easier to get along.

They just enjoyed each other’s company when they were kids. Sure they had petty fights and they were brats to each other, but it never lasted long. No one really understood how they were capable of staying so close.

When she left four years ago it hurt him really bad. He thought they were closer than that, and they were. That’s why it was so hard to forgive her.

She really wished she hadn’t left. Four years was a long time to lose touch, especially when Garrett was growing up so much being on the road. It’s not like he had changed into a completely different person, but she figured it would be hard to get back to where they were.

But here they were, only a few months later and stronger than they had been. Sometimes she wondered if maybe they just pitied her. If Eric, Garrett, John, Kennedy just felt bad. They wouldn’t feel as bad if she wasn’t sick.

But she knew they loved her. They all did, and she could go to any of them at any time, but right now—she wanted her dad. She wanted to talk to the only other person who knew what she was going though.

There was a part of her that still harbored anger towards her dad. He knew she was sick, he knew it from the beginning. But he never defended her when people tore her apart. It was mostly the church people that gave the family disapproving glances and gossiped. They are always more hypocritical.

She wondered if those people knew now how wrong they had been. She didn’t have the energy to hate them, or to throw it in their face. It didn’t matter at this point.

Her dad said that he didn’t defend her because his own life was a mess. Logan never swore him to secrecy, and she even told him he could tell Garrett once enough time had passed. He didn’t. His wife left him, mostly because she knew the truth as well and he couldn’t stand up for his daughter. He wasn’t the man she married.

She couldn’t blame it on him. She let them all believe it, and she did it knowing full well the result. Maybe she just missed him, missed the old life she had.

If she hadn’t have developed this cancer, she would have a four year old child. She and Kennedy would probably be happily married. Maybe The Maine would be famous still, probably without Kennedy.

They wouldn’t be struggling financially, because both of their parents wouldn’t leave them out to dry. Sure they were too young, but they were the Cory and Topanga of Arizona. Everyone knew it was going to happen eventually.

Logan knew she would be happy. Happier than she was right now, that’s for sure. But it was futile to wish for the past, but her future was too uncertain. But the present was tricky, also unsure and confusing. She tried not to think about things too far in advance, because her tomorrow was never attainable.

There was a cross on her dad’s grave. Logan sighed, she hadn’t been to church in so long. She didn’t even have that faith that used to carry her through church anymore. She and Kennedy used to teach Sunday school when they were teenagers. They loved church-- that feeling of belongingness-- like someone, something wanted them.

She lost her faith when God cursed her with this cancer. Something made her change her view of the God she loved into this Supreme Being that didn’t care at all. She had been obedient, she had believed, but he still did this.

At first she believed it was punishment. Like God was angry she was having sex and the occasional drink. But cancer? That was cruel and unusual. The God she believed in didn’t do this to unwitting followers. It was a test, but would she really have to die for it?

“I thought I’d find you here.”

Logan looked up at him and smiled softly, “Take a seat.”

Kennedy sat next to her, “What are you thinking about?”

“Everything,” she told him, leaning back on her palms.

“Do you want me to leave? I don’t want to disrupt you,” he said cautiously.

“No, stay,” she said, “It’s getting a little creepy out here alone.”

“You miss him?” he asked.

She knew it was a dumb question but didn’t acknowledge it as so, “Yeah, a lot.”

“I haven’t really known anyone that close to me die. I was a wreck when my grandma died and I only saw her on holidays,” Kennedy said.

“Sometimes I wonder if he’s watching, you know. I don’t even know if he’s in heaven,” she said.

“He is,” Kennedy said, “He wouldn’t leave you and Garrett out here on your own.”

“How long has it been since you’ve been to church?” she asked quietly.

He pretended to think but knew the answer right away, “Oh, let’s see… about four years.”

“I think I’m kind of angry at the big man,” she said, adding a nervous chuckle at the end.

“Everything happens for a reason, Lo,” he said.

She shook her head furiously at the exact words she didn’t want to hear. What did that even mean? More importantly, what was the use? It was only an excuse that religion used to somehow soothe you when you were upset.

Maybe everything did happen for a reason, but if she died because of this test she would never know that reason. She has yet to find a reason for why her dad died, why she had cancer, why her mom left her before she was even a year old.

It all seemed unfair, and she didn’t know what she had done to deserve it. Maybe she was being selfish, or maybe she just couldn’t see the big picture. But right now she felt she had a right to be selfish.

“…but that’s not what you wanted to hear was it?” Kennedy concluded after her silence.

“You always used to know what to say,” she said, picking at blades of grass.

“Things are not like they used to be,” he said.

“Same conversation, different day,” she sighed, lying back. Her movement telling him she was tired, partly physically but mostly of the roundabout relationship they had. It always came back to the same thing.

“Logan, how did you forgive me? All those awful words… I can’t even imagine,” he said in a breath as he lay down next to her.

She thought for a moment as his words only a few months ago swirled around in her head. She remembered his face when he saw her for the first time. She remembered when he told John that she was disgusting. She remembered when he called her a whore.

But most of all, she remembered how broken he was. A pathetic shell of a boy that wasn’t himself. And she knew Kennedy better than anyone, she knew what happened.

Kennedy looked at her, waiting for an answer. Her brown hair was in curls that were thrown all over. She wore an oversized white tank that was cut enough to show her bandeau bra underneath. Her denim shorts were loose on her thin, tan legs and she had kicked her sandals off.

She was getting skinny and her arms were littered in bruises. She was wearing a small amount of makeup and he liked that, at least she wasn’t trying to overcompensate.

Of all the emotions burning through him, the worst was guilt. She had told him countless times everything was okay, and that it was the past. But her life was hanging in the balance while he was busy wishing her dead.

The anger that resurfaced when she came home was something he hadn’t felt in a long time. He was over it, he was happy. He thought that he was supposed to act that way, it was the only thing he was comfortable with. He hadn’t forgiven her, but she didn’t consume his thoughts. In fact, he had almost forgotten all that pain.

But he couldn’t fall all over her and tell her he missed her, because then she would have won. It was completely a pride thing.

He said those things because he had to, not because he necessarily felt them. He made the conscious choices to react that way, but he knew he shouldn’t have. It was a mistake, and he regretted it.

“I know you better, Kennedy. I know that you are better. I pushed you there. We were both wrong,” she said, “Can we drop this, now? I’m over it, are you?”

“I want to be,” he told her honestly, “I’ll try.”

“Do you remember the moment you stopped loving me?” she asked, not caring it was out of the blue. Nothing could be hesitant anymore, nothing could be held back.

“No,” he replied, “Do you?”

She looked at him, her face unreadable which she did on purpose. She stood up and brushed off her legs. She gave one last look at her dad’s grave and said a prayer to a God she didn’t exactly believe would listen before she held her hand out to Kennedy.

He took it and they walked back to their cars hand in hand. Logan was having one of her ‘episodes’ as Cody had called them. It started when chemo began. There were some days when it hit hard. Mostly physically, but right now it was just emotional. This was a day when she felt numb, hopeless, and uncertain.

Every day she was scared it would last more than a day, and she always hoped it wouldn’t.

They were supposed to throw a big party tonight at John and Kennedy’s. It was for her, one final blowout before she went in for treatment in two days. For the first time in a long time she wanted to get drunk, to forget.

She sounded like an alcoholic now, but really she just wanted to have fun with the people that she loved before the chemo took her away. This party would hopefully bring her out of this slump.

They reached their cars and Logan looked down at their hands, unsure of what to feel. He smiled at her and pulled her into a hug. Every embrace she seemed to have with anyone always meant more than it used to.

“See you later, right?” he asked.

“Sure, sure,” she replied.

“Come on, Nickelsen!” he cheered, almost bring a smile to her lips at her last name. “It’s going to be fun. No drama, just everyone there to have a good time for you.”

She slapped a smile on her face, “I’ll see you.”

+++

Garrett drove him and Logan to John and Kennedy’s where the party was already in full swing. They had to park semi-far down the road because of the amount of cars. It was sure to be shut down by the cops before too long.

They walked in and Logan kept a tight grip on Garrett’s wrist as he led them through the crowd. Once they got to an open space Garrett went to find a girl he had been seeing. She stood on her tip toes trying to find someone she knew.

Before long she was being picked up off the ground from behind as someone carried her outdoors to where some people were getting high by the pool. She rolled her eyes at them, so naïve and unaware.

When whoever set her down she turned and faced him. Eric smiled wide at her, “Hi there.”

“Hey,” she said, leaning in closer to him to see what was inside his cup. She smelled it first before taking it from him and drinking it.

“Thirsty?” he laughed.

“Where is everyone?” she asked.

“John and Kennedy have been running around trying to keep everything under control. There are a lot of people here. Granted half of them don’t know who you are,” he said.

“The more the merrier, right?” she said, finishing off his drink.

“Well, well, well. I haven’t seen you drunk in quite some time,” he grinned, “Do you want to dance?”

She smiled as she took his hand and they went back inside. They went to the heart of the crowd where people were standing and dancing around. They laughed and danced before she was ready for another drink.

She went to the kitchen and found John. Whatever was in Eric’s cup was strong because she was already feeling it. “Hey!”

His distressed expression fell into a smile when he saw her. He hugged her, “I’m so glad you’re here.”

“Me, too,” she smiled, pouring herself a drink of some kind of liquor.

“You getting nervous?” he asked, leaning against the counter as she did the same opposite of him.

She shrugged, “Not so much right now.”

“Someone is in denial,” he said cautiously.

She gulped down the liquid courage in her cup, “Don’t tell me how I feel, okay?”

“Logan, I just-”

She couldn’t keep up the charade of letting the alcohol be her excuse for the way she was talking. Logan stepped towards him and put her hand on his shoulder, “Thanks for worrying about me. But let’s not talk about it tonight, okay?”

He agreed and soon they were joined by all of their friends. They all laughed and drank and soon Logan was letting words fall from her mouth before she even had time to think about if they made sense. But no one seemed to notice because they were all at the same level she was.

The fun was interrupted when they heard yelling coming from a hallway between the kitchen and the pantry. They all fell silent to listen.

“No, Kennedy. You always hang out with her and when you’re not with her you’re talking about her!”

He groaned and everyone guessed he was running his hands though his hair, “I told you, Abbey. She’s my friend.”

“You love her,” she replied.

“Fine,” Kennedy said, exasperated, “We’re done. If you can’t accept that she’s my friend than I don’t care.”

“How can you forget everything she did!?” she yelled, clearly trying to make Logan look like the bad guy.

“It’s over, Abbey! Maybe when you stop having such a small-minded brain you’ll be able to see that life is bigger than petty relationship crap,” he shouted back.

“But Kennedy…”

“I have to go,” he said. Everyone pretended to keep talking and when Kennedy came out he stopped and sighed. Logan looked at him with sympathy in her eyes and he only nodded before walking away.

John and Kennedy started pushing people out in the early hours of the morning. Soon there were only a handful of them left sitting in the living room. They spoke of old memories and random thoughts and no one was even reminded that in a short time Logan would begin her treatment.

They all began to slowly pass out but Logan couldn’t find a way to sleep. Because sleep meant in the morning she wouldn’t be on this cloud that kept her high above reality. The only other person not dozing off was Kennedy. He was perched in a recliner chair, swaying back and forth and staring at the liquid in his cup.

He seemed to have sensed Logan’s eyes on him and he looked up, giving her a faint smile. His eyes were glassed over showing her that he was just past buzzed.

She moved across the room and sat on the arm of the chair he was on, “Are you doing better?”

He shrugged, “Not really. You know what love is like.”

“I think you did the right thing, Kenny. You told me a while ago that you were thinking about it. She never seemed right, anyways,” Logan rambled.

He stared at her in disbelief, “I wasn’t talking about Abbey.”

She couldn’t really understand it, but maybe she wasn’t as drunk as she hoped because it slowly registered. She didn’t respond and he shook his head to dismiss the thought before he took another drink. She slid down so she was sitting on the chair and her legs were stretched across his lap.

They were silent for a while before Kennedy spoke without looking at her. It was so abrupt she didn’t understand its root, “Don’t die.”

“I’ll do my best,” she laughed nervously.

“Seriously, Logan. You’re already killing me,” he told her.

“We shouldn’t talk about this, not right now,” she said, tears involuntarily filling her eyes.

He nodded his head and Logan rested her head on his shoulder. She wasn’t drunk enough to forget, she never would be. It was her reality.

She didn’t fall asleep for a few hours, and neither did Kennedy. They just stayed still as it sunk in and the truth began to hit them hard. They realized the truth that this could be it, but more prominent was the truth that their chance was coming at a time when they wouldn’t be able to use it.

And that common theme was becoming harder and harder to accept.