Lavender Sweater and a Volkswagen Jetta

The moment I opened my eyes, I couldn’t believe who I was seeing. She had a confused look on her face but smiled instantly. She kissed me on the cheek and squealed, “Mommy!”

The corners of my lips pulled up a smile. I cupped her face and I felt tears swell up my eyes as she held both of my hands and giggled. I quickly enveloped her in a hug and kissed her hair. She pulled away and tugged on my hand. “Let’s go, mommy!”

“To where, honey?” I asked her as I wiped a tear from my face.

She didn’t answer me. She just pulled me somewhere, down to a field of daisies. It was beautiful. The sky was blue and the sun shined down on us. She then led us to a small space in the middle of the field where a blanket rested and—from what it looked like from afar—some books stacked on the other underneath a huge tree.

We sat down and she grabbed one of the hardbound books. But once she opened it, it wasn’t a book at all. They were photo albums. The same albums we have in the bookshelf on the corner of the living room. The first album she pulled out was hers only. It was full of pictures from when she was born until her birthday.

She stopped at one page where it only had one picture. It was taken two weeks ago, on her birthday. Garrett was holding her in his arms and it seemed like they were talking. I was beside him and was just looking at the two.

“Wasn’t this the time where daddy told you he loves you very much?” I said, smoothening her hair as we both looked at the picture.

She nodded. “I miss daddy,” she whispered.

“Sweetheart, I’m sure he misses you as much as we do.” I kissed her hair and hugged her. “I miss you so much, Kylie.”

“I miss you too, mommy…”


I felt someone shake me to wake up. I didn’t want to end the dream but at the same time, it didn’t feel like it was a dream. I had her in my arms and she kissed me on the cheek.

My eyes finally opened and my vision was blurry at first but once I adjusted, my brother’s face came into view. It looked like he had been trying to wake me up the past five minutes. Jared placed his thumb on my cheek and wiped a tear away. Had I been crying while I slept? I couldn’t recall.

“You want to tell me what you dreamt about?” Jared asked softly as I sat up.

I didn’t realize it had been three days since the funeral. Of course, how could I forget? I wasn’t tracking the time. My eyes travelled from the sky blue sheets to the window. It looked like it was around noon. “I… I saw her,” I mumbled.

“Saw who?”

“Kylie,” I breathed out. My gaze retreated from the window and back to my hands. “I saw her in my dreams.”

I looked up to see a sympathetic smile across my brother’s face. “She said she misses me,” I whispered.

Jared immediately pulled me into one of his hugs that he usually gives me whenever I was going through something tough. “I just hope you won’t lull yourself into a sea of depression,”

“But I already am,” I mumbled into his neck.

He pulled away. “I’m falling apart by the second, Jared. Now that my only daughter’s gone, what am I going to do? She’s one of the reasons why I’m still breathing. I-I feel like I have no reason to—“

“Don’t tell me you’re going back to those days again,”

I had no idea how he could read my mind. He knew I’m going back to the days I was so unsure of myself, of how was I going to deal with everything. My mouth felt dry to even answer now. I didn’t even know how I got my head to nod.

Jared let out an exasperated sigh. “Trust me, that’s the last thing you want to do. You still have reasons to live. You don’t want to break your daughter’s heart by seeing you finding ways to kill yourself, do you?”

I have to admit, he was right. As much as I want to disagree, he had a point. Kylie wants me to be happy, just like what Garrett said. If I was thinking and finding ways to end it all, she would probably be disappointed in me. And I didn’t want that.

“You’re my baby sister, Elle. I don’t want to lose you too.” He whispered and once again, pulled me into a hug.

I started to realize how much Jared meant to me and how much I meant to him. I wasn’t just his sister; I was his sister that he’s going to take care of now that Kylie’s gone. I knew I had so much to give back to him.

Now that I’m going on the road with them, I don’t want them to worry about me 24/7. I made a promise to myself that I won’t try and do anything that might involve a memory of Kylie that could sink me into depression, thus making me want to end my life. I didn’t want to be a burden to them.


Jared’s POV:

I wasn’t going to let her find ways to kill herself. Not again. She’s done it once and she almost took Kylie down with her. If it wasn’t for Pat frantically telling us that she was lying on the bathroom floor with blood flowing down freely from her wrist, I’m probably visiting her grave by now.

Now I’m scared of what she might do to herself without us watching her. That sounded creepy, I know, but she’s my little sister, I don’t want to lose her after my niece. I love her to death.

These were the times I just wish she never gets this upset. But what do I do? Her daughter passed away and Kylie’s practically her whole life. It’s going to be hard for her. I’m going to have to take care of Joelle now if I don’t want to lose her, too.