Paint Me an Image

"Are you really just going to hide out in the bunk for the next four months?" Andre asked as he emerged.

I shrugged as he pulled the curtain back. "Maybe, it's my choice isn't it?"

Andre rolled his eyes at me with a silly grin. "I think he's forgotten that you're even on this tour. Since he didn't see you or I."

I offered a smile and scooted over, allowing Dre to climb in next to me and rest his scruffy head on my shoulder. "I don't know what I'd do without you, Dre."

He chuckled. "You've said that before."

"I know," I told him, "But it's true. You're my best friend."

Andre lifted his head from my shoulder and nodded. "You're mine too..." he continued, "But you need to stop worrying about Matt. He's just a guy and you have your entire life ahead of you to find someone better for you."

I smiled at my thoughts and then spoke out loud. "Why couldn't I have fallen in love with you?"

Andre grinned but shrugged, "Because we were meant to spend our lives together and neither you or I believe in eternal love."

"Uh," I cut in, "Just platonic eternal love."

Andre chuckled deeply, his chest rumbling, and his voice filling the small space. "Play something for me."

I glanced down the guitar case and then back to Dre. Then I shrugged and reached to unlatch the black case and pull out the red Ovation acoustic. "What should I play?"

"I don't care. I just want to hear that voice."

"Well, I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,
She felt that way everyday.
And I couldn't help her,
I just watched her make the same mistakes again..."

I sang the words to Avril Lavigne's "Nobody's Home" with everything I had. I let myself get lost in the lyrics of the song. I felt what she was feeling when she wrote. I felt my own loneliness being touched, caressed, and then shoved away into the darkest part of me to be conquered and left behind. I sang with my eyes closed, feeling myself shaking as my fingers danced along the fret board of the guitar.

"Well, open your eyes and look outside, find the reasons why.
You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you've left behind.
Be strong, be strong now!"

I felt Andre frozen beside me, soaking in all the emotions that were soaking through my voice. I ended the song on a fading note, feeling my lungs take in a deep breath.

"She's lost inside, lost inside... ohh oh ohhh..."

When I stopped, the bus was entirely quiet. I closed my eyes and listened, knowing that everyone had been listening to me.

"That was amazing, Im," Andre told me as he slid out of my bunk, "Now be strong and come on." He held out his hand to me and I stared at it, wondering why I couldn't do this on my own.

"Okay," I said simply as I took his hand and let myself fall to the floor of the moving bus. He led me out to the main room of the bus and when I walked in, all eyes were on me. I took a deep breath.

I turned my attention to the tall brunette man who was sitting on one of the couches, his eyes dark as he watched me approach. I took another deep breath and swallowed the lump in my throat. "Hey Matt," I said with a cautiousness that everyone was weary of. Especially him, since he had been reamed out by everyone of his band mates.

"Hey," he said back and then adverted his attention from me to the t.v. I looked to the floor, feeling ashamed of myself. I glanced at my appearance. A black hoodie with the word "famous" scribbled across the front, a pair of torn shorts with fishnet black tights on underneath, and a pair of black and grey Osiris shoes.

"Well," I said as I looked to the rest of the guys, "What are the rules of tour? What can we do and not do on stage, on the bus, in front of fans?"

Zacky, Brian, Johnny, and Arin all smirked. "Why don't you have a seat, rookie," Brian said as he motioned to the leather couch that he was sitting on.

I rolled my eyes and sat down next to Brian, pulling Andre down with me. "Alright, get on with it."

"You can do pretty much whatever the hell you want on stage. The end."

I laughed loudly and threw my head back against the couch when Brian spoke. I pretended I didn't see Matt's eyes glance over me then. Or the way he shifted in his spot, watching everyone but me.

"So," I questioned, "I could jump off of the stage and do the show from the crowd if I wanted?"

Brian shrugged, "If you're into that kind of thing. Might have a hard time down there though."

I smiled, "I think I can handle myself, Bri."

Zacky snorted with a laugh, "A little thing like you will get crushed in the pits during one of our shows."

"I'll take that as a challenge, Baker." I said with a grin, "Yours won't be the first rock show I've been to."

The guys and I talked for awhile, forgetting all about what had happened just two weeks ago. Or maybe, they didn't forget, they just gave in and forgave me. I wished that for once everyone on the bus could be unified so that there wouldn't be an awkwardness hanging over the room when Matt and I were both there.

After a few hours of driving, the sky was darkening outside the tinted windows and the guys were sitting around the table talking and drinking beers, Andre included. The guys had taken him in and accepted him like they were old friends. It wasn't me who was connecting them to Andre, they were all actually friends.

"Alright," I said as I stood up and stretched, "I'm going to my bunk."

The guys all groaned and called me names for going to bed so early.

"Yeah, yeah. I get it," I laughed, "But I'm tired." As I turned to walk away, I stopped and pivoted on my heel, towards Matt who had been sitting on the opposite couch from me, each of us participating in the card games but pretending the other didn't exist. I knew that this would put a strain on our friends through out the tour so I spoke to him, for the second time in two weeks. "Matt, Can I talk to you for minute?"

He looked up to me with shocked hazel eyes, his jaw shut tight and his lips pursed. Then he nodded and stood up, setting his cards on the small, wooden coffee table. I smiled slightly as Johnny picked up his cards and peeked at them before setting them back down the way they were before.

Matt followed me to the back room quietly and shut the door behind him. I sat down on the pull out couch and motioned for him to do the same.

"What's all this about?" he asked as he sat down.

I spoke, "I don't want things to be awkward on everyone else."

Matt shrugged with a passive look. "There's really nothing we can do about that, can we?"

I sighed and reached out to grab onto his wrist as he tried to stand. "Matt," I argued, "We can try to get over everything that happened at the club and get along. For their sakes."

Matt sighed and pushed my hand off of him. "What if I don't want to 'get over' everything that happened? What if I liked it?" He ran his fingers over his recently buzzed hair.

I was frustrated by his words. "It was sex, Matt. You can find any girl you want to have sex with. I'm not doing that anymore. Not with you." I pretended not to see it when he winced, and so I continued, "I can't do that anymore, Matt. I hate being used and yet that's the type of guy I always go back to, the Users. Can't you just please try and act normal around me? Or pretend that I'm not here and you're just hanging out with your friends?"

Matt grumbled, "It's kind of hard to ignore you when you're walking around like that."

I glanced at my appearance once again, wondering what he was talking about. I groaned before I spoke again, "Matt, please just try and be friends with me."

Matt shook his head, "I don't want to be your fucking friend, Image. What part of that don't you understand?"

"All of it!" I shouted, "Why can't you just be decent towards me for once in your entire life?" I shouted at him, tears threatening to pour down my cheeks.

I looked away to wipe the angry tears from my eyes but when I turned back to Matt, wondering why he hadn't said anything back, his lips touched mine softly. I was shocked for a moment, wondering where this had come from. But then I pushed him off of me. "What are you doing!?"

He looked shocked, now, and I could see flecks of hurt swimming in his eyes and it confused me. "Kissing you."

"Why?" I asked, "I just told you that I won't sleep with you."

"Imogen," he murmured, "That's not what I want from you. It's never been what I've wanted from you, completely."

Zacky's words rang through my head, making me realize that he and Matt had the same talk that Zacky with me the night before my parent's anniversary. "We can't do this," I said, "It's not alright. It's wrong. I'm going to bed." With that I stood up and walked off, yanking my wrist away from Matt as he tried to grab onto me and yank me back to him.

"No," I said, "I'm going to bed. I'll see you tomorrow."

I climbed into my bunk with my thoughts racing a thousand miles an hour. I knew that I wasn't about to get any sleep tonight.