Can't Be Without You

"My brother committed suicide." I stared at him wide-eyed. Alex just sat there, staring off into the distance. His face was completely blank. How do you say something like that with no emotion whatsoever?
"Oh my God, Alex!" I gasped, "Are you serious?" He finally looked at me. His naturally bright brown eyes had no trace of life in them. To be honest, I was terrified.
"I was in 3rd grade," he said, "My brother was in college. He was usually always home by the time I got there. I walked in the house. It was eerily quiet. I called for Daniel; he didn't answer. I looked everywhere downstairs. I checked his room. Finally, I checked the bathroom. I-I opened the door and... I froze. There, not even 5 -feet in front of me, was my brother. He was in the bathtub submerged in bloody water. I screamed. I didn;t stop screaming until my parents came home hours later." Alex stopped talking to wipe a single tear from his face. I grabbed his free hand in mine. He moved his gaze to our hands.
"My parents rushed up the stairs. My father had to pick me up to get me out of that doorway. My mother had collapsed in tears right by the tub. I lost my voice from all the screaming and started to cry into my father's shoulder. He brought me to my room. I remember him setting me down on my bed and leaving. Then a bunch of police came and tried to get me to answer questions. I remember looking out my window, watching the paramedics put my brother into an ambulance. I kept having flashbacks to the day before. Daniel and I got into a huge fight. I remember saying I hated him and wishing I never had a brother. I got my wish. In the worst way possible. I started screaming and crying again. I killed him. I killed my brother." Alex's breathing quickened. His eyes darted from one point to another. His eyes teared up. He was having a panic attack. I didn't know what to do.
"Alex!" I cried, "Shit." I screamed for my dad to bring some water. I pulled Alex close to me. I needed to calm him down. I gently rocked him, stroked his hair and whispered softly to him. My dad came bursting into the room. He looked at us both. He knelt beside us.
"Now, Alex," he said quietly, "I need you to take deep, even breaths." Alex shook vilently and clutched me tighter.
"Daddy..." I said worriedly.
"Talk to him, Rikki," he said, "Just convince him to breathe." I looked at y dad, then at the boy buried in my arms.
"A-Alex... Lex, I need you to breathe slowly. Everything's okay. It-it's not your fault. Just breathe. Please, Alex." I felt his heart rate slow down. His breathing was jagged now. We were slowly making progress.
"It's okay," I said softly, "Everything's gonna be okay. Everything's fine."
"D-don't l-lie to me, Saylor, "Alex stammered, "Everything is n-not f-fine." I looked up at my dad in shock. He smiled at me and handed me the glass of water. He stood up, looked at me and the vulnerable boy with a knowing look, and left the room.
"Can you drink this please?" I asked Alex.
"N-not y-yet. Give me a m-minute." We sat in silence for what felt like forever. Finally, Alex slowly sat up. He took the glass from me with shaking hands. I rested my hand on his knee.
"It's not your fault," I said. Alex put the glass down on the bedside table. He looked at me with red eyes and a tear-stained face.
"Yes it was," he said quietly, "They found a bunch of empty liquor bottles in his room. He only drank when he was stressed or bothered by something."
"Alex---"
"He wasn't a cutter. I'm pretty sure we would have noticed some scars if he was."
"Alex---"
"I was the last person to have a huge confrontatin with him so---"
"Alexander William Gaskarth, please shut the fuck up." Alex slowly closed his mouth and looked down sadly.
"Are you even listening to yourself?" I asked, "People don't cut once and kill themselves. He probably did it on his legs so no one could see. I highly doubt his 9-year old brother was what drove him over the edge. There's a bigger picture here."
"But---"
"No! Stop blaming yourself. That was not your doing." Alex reached down and squeezed my hand.
"Thank you," he said quietly. I smiled shyly at him.
"I should get home," he said.
"Just stay," I said, "You're not fit to drive. Call your mom, I'll let my dad know."
"Saylor... I can't."
"I am not letting you drive in your condition. You're a hazard. End of story."
"Fine..." he grumbled. I smiled triumphantly and went to tell my dad. He agreed it would be best if Alex stayed the night. When I got back to my room, Alex was practically naked in my bed.
"Uhh..."
"You should just be glad I don't sleep naked," he smirked. Well, Vulnerable Alex didn't stay for long. I crawled onto the empty space by the wall.
"Okay. Ground rules. You will stay on your side. I don't cuddle; touch me, I push you out the bed. If I feel something poke me, I push you out the bed. Lastly, if you tell anyone about this, I will end you. Understood?"
"As if anyone would believe we slept together," he scoffed, "But whatever. Fine by me. G'night Saylor." We both crawled under the comforter. Alex switched the light off. We both turned so our backs were facing each other. Never did I ever think I'd be sharing the same bed as Alex Gaskarth. I didn't think I'd ever see him cry either. I've never seen him so broken and lifeless. I guess he's not a complete douche after all.
"Oh and Saylor," Alex said quietly, "Don't tell anyone I cried. I have a reputation as a badass to uphold." I chuckled softly and smiled to myself.
Glad he's back.