I See Now That I Won't Let Go

“Mommy,” I hear Silas whisper in my ear, “Mommy I hungee.” I smile and wrap my arms around the toddler, placing a kiss on his cheek.

“Alright pumpkin, what would you like today?” I rub the sleep from my eyes and let a yawn escape my lips before swinging my legs over the edge of my bed and groping around the nightstand for my glasses.

“Fwench toast!” I hoist the boy onto my shoulders and head towards the kitchen, another yawn passing through my mouth. I notice the kitchen light is on and sigh.

“Good morning apartment dwellers,” Ronnie says with a huge smile as the smell of food cooking makes my stomach grumble.

“What are you doing awake so early, it’s like seven in the morning?” I ask, eyeing the man suspiciously.

“We got up at five in prison so I guess my body is just used to it,” he shrugs before attending to the food. “French toast still your favorite?” I nod and set Silas down on the ground, his thumb instantly going in his mouth as he stares at the tattooed man.

“How about you little guy, do you like French toast?” Silas hides behind my legs and I sigh.

“You don’t have to be shy baby,” I say, nudging him out from behind me. Silas nods and retreats behind me again.

“Gets that from you eh?” I glare at Ronnie and he holds his hands up defensively. “Okay, okay no talking about the boy. Go sit down, I’ll bring the food out to you guys.” I give him a skeptical look but follow the instructions, getting Silas situated in his booster seat and then taking my usual seat next to him. A few moments later Ronnie comes out of the kitchen with a heaping pile of French toast and a smaller plate of bacon. The smell hits enters my nose and instantly causes a loud rumble in my stomach.

“What’s the catch?” I ask, going over possible schemes in my head. Ronnie shrugs and goes back into the kitchen, retuning with butter and syrup.

“No catch, simply showing my appreciation for letting me crash here. Oh but I do need a haircut.” I roll my eyes and pile some French toast on a plate and begin cutting it up for Silas.

“Tank you mommy,” Silas says before digging into the food in front of him. Ronnie sits in the chair across from me and smiles.

“So Oli, what have you been up to since our last encounter?” I shrug my shoulders before shoveling a large piece of bacon into my mouth, groaning at how good it tastes. “Hah I see you’re still infatuated with food. I‘ve always liked that about you, never afraid to eat. But really, you can‘t tell me you haven‘t been up to anything, you have a kid for fu-” I cover Silas’ ears with my hands before Ronnie gets the entire profanity from his lips. “Sorry, not used to being in such young company.”

“Well Ronald, if you must know, my dad stopped talking to me when he found out I was pregnant so I went crawling back to my mom. I stopped using shortly after learning of said pregnancy, got a job and here I am.” Ronnie eyes widen slightly as he slips a piece of bacon in his mouth.

“I thought you hated your mom?”

“Well sometimes you just have to forgive and forget. We actually get along now, she’s on a few medications and is generally happy now so we clash less. My entire paternal family essentially disowned me and its bullsnot.”

“Bullsnot?” Ronnie asks with a chuckle. I nod and inhale another piece of bacon.

“You learn to get creative.”

“So how old is the little guy?”

“He’s going to be two on the twentieth of this month,” I say, my heartbeat increasing slightly. Ronnie nods and is quiet for the rest of the meal.

“Mommy what we doing today?” Silas asks as I take him out of his booster seat and place him on the floor.

“You get to go to grandma Brenda’s house and play with Cali while mommy goes to work,” I say, brushing the hair from his face and kissing his forehead.

“But I wanna play with you today mommy,” Silas says with his lower lip jutting out slightly.

“I know baby, but I have to go to work so I can buy you new stuff. I tell you what, if you’re a really good boy for grandma Brenda we can get some ice cream after dinner.”

“I no want ice cream, I want mommy.” I sigh and wrap my arms around the child tightly. It was going to be a long day.

---------------------

“Thanks again mom,” I say while adjusting the sleeping boy on my hip. My boss had yet again made me stay later than I was scheduled, but I honestly wasn’t surprised. I carefully strap Silas into his car seat and head for home.

“About time you got home,” Ronnie says as soon as I step in the door. I press a finger to my lips and quietly close the door behind me.

“My boss is an asshole, what can I say.” I take Silas to his room and tuck him into bed, placing a kiss on his forehead before turning the light off and heading into the living room. I flop down on the couch with a sigh and kick my shoes off, immediately starting to feel better.

“This happen often?” I nod and notice a pizza box sitting on the coffee table. I help myself to a slice as my stomach grumbles anxiously. “Anything I can do to help?” I shrug and take another bite of pizza. Ronnie smiles as he gets up and walks behind the couch, stopping when he gets right behind me.

“What are you doing?” I feel his hands slide onto my shoulders and I involuntarily shudder, a reaction I knew made Ronnie smirk. A small groan escapes my lips as he kneads at the tense muscles.

“Feel better?” I nod and grab a second slice of pizza. “I swear I’m a changed man Oli, I’ll do whatever it takes to get you back.”

“It’s not that easy Ronnie,” I say with a sigh, “I can’t just forget everything you did. I can’t even count on one hand how many times you cheated on me, or how many nights I spent alone in our bedroom crying myself to sleep. I won’t put myself through that again, I can’t.”

“I still love you Olivia, I’m going to prove it to you. The biggest mistake of my life was hurting you.”

In my head I scream “I love you too!” but aloud I say nothing. I wrap my arms around the man and breathe in his all too familiar scent as I wonder what to do.