Don't Tell Your Mom the Babysitter Was in My Bed

"I like skittles. Just not the green ones. Those suck...ugh." Matt told me as we lounged around on his couch. I was laying on the couch with my head on his lap and we were eating skittles. Obviously.

"What? Are you kidding?! Green skittles are the fucking best!" I argued, shaking my head at the weirdness. I had been sitting there picking all the green ones out and eating them, rather than all the others.

"No, they're not. They're green...and they're...weird. You're weird."

"No, I'm a classy bitch, there's a difference." I replied jokingly.

"Okay, okay. I believe you." he said with a smirk as he popped in three more skittles-that weren't green. I chuckled at his words.

"Well, this actually works out. See, you can eat every other color and I'll eat all the green ones. That way we'll never argue about it." I told him with a shrug.

"That is true...but I'll have you know, you could have any of the skittles you wanted and I wouldn't complain." he said, completely serious. He looked me in the eyes and I felt like I wanted to kiss him, but I held back. Johnny doesn't deserve what I'm doing to him.

"Awh, you're sweet." I told him with a smile.

"Not half as sweet as you...and I wish I spoke from experience." he said with a cheesy grin on his face.

"And you ruined it." I replied with a laugh.

"Sorry, I couldn't resist."

"It happens...What was it that you needed to talk to me about?" I asked him, finishing the last green skittle.

"Not now. I'm having too much fun to be serious right now."

"Okay...We'll talk before I leave then." I replied, feeling the same way. We never had much of a chance to just hang out like this before. It's almost like we're getting to know each other for the second time. I leaned up and kissed his dimple and he beamed down at me. He then placed a soft kiss near the edge of my mouth, letting it linger. I felt butterflies rise up in my stomach as I moved closer to him and wrapped my arms around him. He started to lean in to kiss me on my lips, but Johnny's face flooded into my mind and I turned my head, making his lips land on my cheek next to my ear. He didn't kiss me there, but he let his lips linger there for a minute. I quickly thought of something to talk about so that we wouldn't have to argue.

"I want a tootsie pop." I said, looking up into Matt's sparkling eyes.

"Wow, that came out of nowhere."

"Yeah, well. I mean, we're eating candy...so I don't think it was a random as it seemed to be."

"You're right."

"Usually I am."

"Matt?" I asked when it was silent for a few minutes.

"Yeah?" he asked in a quiet voice.

"Are you a cuddler?"

"Have we never cuddled before?"

"I don't think so."

"Want to?" he asked with a shit eating grin on his face.

"Matt, it was a serious question. You're making this so hard for me." I told him, sitting up away from him. He sighed, probably getting ready for an argument.

"Lacey, I'm not trying to make it harder for you. You're making it harder for yourself. You shouldn't have came if you didn't wan-" I cut him off.

"Matt, I fucking miss you, okay?! Is that a fucking crime?" I yelled, throwing my hands up. He sighed again and he didn't reply. He moved closer to me on the couch and slowly took my hand.

"I miss you too, Lacey. I know it's hard...Look, If you didn't want to, you'd never have to miss me again. I just want you to know that, but I'm sick of being so confused all the time. I mean it's like sometimes you want me and sometimes you don't. If you miss me so damn much, then why aren't you with me? I'm just so confused." he told me in a soft voice. He didn't raise his voice or seem angry, he was just telling me how he truly felt.

"I'm so sorry, Matt. I just...I don't know...I'm trying to be a good person and give Johnny the chance that he deserves." I did a horrible job trying to explain myself.

"So, I don't deserve a shot?" he asked, looking down sadly.

"Matt, you know that's not what I mean. You deserve everything. You deserve way better than me."

"Better than you? Are you serious? There's a fucking reason that I'm in love with you and I'm fucking ready right now to spend the rest of my life figuring that out." I gave him a sad look and squeezed his hand tighter.

"I was afraid you didn't love me anymore." I told him honestly.

"Why? I mean, it wouldn't matter. You're with Johnny."

"It matters. It matters a hell of a lot because I love you. So much and I don't even know fucking why. You're just so..." I trailed of, shaking my head.

"Well, since we're on the subject...there's something that I wanted to talk to you about." he told me, pulling his hand away. I nodded nervously. I didn't like not holding his hand, I felt like he was just going to run away and I'd never see him again.

"You're with Johnny, right? You kiss him, you sleep in his bed with him, you tell him you love him..." I had to interrupt him.

"I kiss him and I sleep in his bed, but I have never told him that I love him, because I don't." he acted as if I hadn't even said it.

"I can't deal with this anymore. I love you, but I'm not willing to spend the rest of my life waiting...waiting for something that may or may not happen. It's too sketchy for me, Lacey..."

"What are you saying?" I asked him, tears beginning to form in my eyes.

"I found someone else that I like a lot...she's not you...but she's...never mind that. I'm done with this, Lacey. Either you break up with him right now and love me and stay with me or you walk out that door and never call me again." It felt like he had stuck his hand through my chest and slowly ripped my heart out. How can he even look at someone else? Because when Matt's around, I can't look at anyone else. I can't even think about anyone else. And now he found someone else. Is she prettier than me? Skinnier probably...

"An ultimatum? You're not serious...you...you can't make me choose right now. I have to think about things. You may be confused, but I'm just as confused as you are. I was in the same fucking position you are right now when you were with Val."

"You didn't love me then...did you?"

"No...I...I don't know, but it's still the same thing, Matt." he chuckled, is he even listening to me?

"What the hell?! This is so fucking weird for me. I've never had feelings for someone that I didn't even have sex with..."

"I feel the same way...Matt. This is what you really want?" Tears fell from my eyes.

"So you made your choice, huh? I hope that you two are very happy together. You should probably go, I can't watch you cry over me like that." he told me, turning away from me.

"I'm sorry. For everything." I whispered to him as I turned around and stumbled out the door. I was shaking so badly that I could barely even walk. It was raining outside, which seemed to match my emotions, but I didn't care. I got in my car and broke down crying. Matt never wants to see me again and he's all I think about, dream about, he's everything to me. What will he do with all of the green skittles that he doesn't eat? Maybe his new girlfriend will eat them.