Just you and I

He cleaned his sweaty palms on the backside of his jeans as he put his guitar aside next to the amps and went for the bottle of fresh water right over some trunks and uncapped it, taking a long swig. His blood was thrumming through his veins with an amazing force; he could feel his pulse right on the edge of his skin and his head couldn’t stop spinning around the same idea.

It had nothing to do with the show they just performed, though.

No, it had nothing to do with that, at all. To be quite honest even, he couldn’t focus on the set at all; he just trashed around the stage, swaying his guitar here and there, paying only the minimum attention required to get the chords straight. Not that he did it on purpose, but he really couldn’t focus. For the first time in his entire life he could not focus on the music, one of the things he liked and cared about the most in the entire world.

“Frank, are you alright?” Mikey came to him, putting his own instrument next to his guitar and grabbing a towel that was laying around there, cleaning his flushed face. Frank doubted for a moment. He didn’t tell him either?... Not even his own brother?.

“Y-yeah, everything’s fine,” he lied, looking aside and taking another long swig from his bottle. He couldn’t fucking believe it. The young Way just shrugged and tossed the towel over his own shoulder, walking away waving at the last crowd of the tour timidly as the stage curtains went down dramatically. Frank sighed, closing his eyes for a moment, trying to relax a bit. There was no way in hell he would manage to do that; he wasn’t idiotic enough to believe it would work, but at least he tried. The nerves were kicking his guts during the entire show, making his stomach twist, his fingers itch more than usual, and he was pretty sure he was about to throw up any minute now. And he almost did, when he heard Bob yelling at him to ‘get his fucking ass moving’, forcing him to open his eyes again to find the techs starting to help around to gather their gear. He got his towel from over one of his amps and went to the side of the stage, going down the small staircase and onto the halls of the venue, following the drummer.

“What’s up, man?, You’re quiet” he asked, playing with his sticks. After constantly arguing with the techs and how they constantly lost his drumsticks while packing up all the instruments and parts of his drumkit, he decided he would take care of his own sticks for now on if he wanted to actually see them again.

“Nothing”. Could people just fucking stop asking?

“Yeah, well, tell that to your fucking face,” the blonde replied, putting a heavy land on his shoulder as they walked down to the rest area reserved for them. Frank shuddered, not really wanting to think about anything else. Of course it was fucking obvious for everyone that he wasn’t alright; he was actually wondering how long was going to take for the feelings to fade, to just… disappear. Along with his fucking face and existence.

As they reached the lounge, they stepped inside just to find Ray sitting on a couch and having a cold beer as Mikey sat next to him, super concentrated as he entangled a battle between himself and the cyber world with his sidekick.

“Where’s Gerard?” was the first thing that crossed Frank’s mind, not really noticing he actually asked that out loud.

“He’s in the showers,” Ray raised his sight. “Frank, are you-?”

“Don’t bother,” Bob raised one of his hands, interrupting the guitarist. “He’s either eaten something funny or he’s on his period”

They all laughed but the smaller one, who didn’t even listen to the joke. He went directly to the door that connected their dressing rooms with the showers area instead, but was stopped by a pretty annoyed Mikey on his way. The young man looked at him, his facial expression completely transformed as he did so.

“Uh, Frank, I don’t think it’s a good idea,” he said.

“Why?”

“You know what we agreed on this. Please leave my brother alone already”

Frank sighed heavily, closing his eyes for a few seconds. Since Mikey actually talked with Gerard about the whole matter, apparently he decided he could stick his nose wherever he wasn’t called. He even tried to talk to Frank and persuade him to finish their sneak-in romance they had, saying how both of them had lives separated and how they shouldn’t fuck up with them or the other people involved in them. He also made it pretty clear that Gerard was happy now, and he was about to have kids, and that he didn’t need to be sneaking around for bunk-action with him anymore or whatever shit they had. Mikey was a good kid, really. He was his friend, and he knew he meant no harm or evil on his words. He wished things were as easy though.

“I know, Mikey,” Frank replied, a bit annoyed “I’m just going for a shower. Why, wanna come with me to check on me?”

The other backed off a bit.

“N-no, just… you know what I mean”

“I know, alright?, I know. Nowhere near your brother. Now move, or I swear I’ll shove all my dirty laundry in your room tonight and you won’t like the smell”

The younger way moved aside, sighing defeatedly. Frank went right to the showers area without saying a word, leaving the others to their own drama, jokes and teases. He loved his friends, with all his heart, but he didn’t have time for them right now. His mind didn’t want to cooperate with that either anyway.

He went down the aisles until he got to the door leading to the showers and stopped dead on his tracks. What if Gerard didn’t want to see him?. What if…. What if he didn’t want to talk to him?

But he needed to know. He needed to see him, to ask him if it was true, if… if it was indeed real. If he really wanted to do that, still. And he needed to know right then and there, it couldn’t wait not even until he finished with his shower.

Swallowing his heart down again onto his body, he put his hand on the door handle and applied some pressure slightly, nervously, finally opening the door really slowly, stepping inside and closing it behind himself. There was a lot of steam, making his clothes all wet and heated, clinging to his body in a really annoying way. There was only one shower turned on though, the one of the very corner. He dragged his feet slowly around the aisle, going towards the only cubicle occupied and standing behind the curtain, quietly, not really sure of what to say or what to do now, the ‘what if’s invading his mind again, almost trapping him in a vortex of madness and confusion. Almost.

“G-Gerard?” He called, his voice weak and doubtful. The curtain of the shower cubicle opened up a little, the older Way’s head popping up from inside, all wet and flushed due to the hot water.

“Frank?... What are you doing here?” The vocalist asked, running a hand through his hair to push it away from his face. The other swallowed hard, pushing the mental image of his best friend and lover behind the curtain, all naked and wet.

“Umh, I just….” He stuttered, not really knowing what to say. “I just... wanted to see you, I guess. I wanted…. To talk”

“To talk?... what’s wrong, Frankie?” Gerard asked, somewhat concerned now.

“Well, I just… are you sure about what we’re going to do?” The guitarist asked, trying not to look at the other.
“Uh… y-you’re not backing off now, are you?”

“N-no!” Frank’s eyes went up suddenly, taking one step forward and shook his head. “No, I’m not!, I just… I just wanna make sure if it’s the right thing to do” he bit down on his lip, his cheeks blushing slightly. Gerard just looked at him, sighing as he closed his eyes, almost out of exasperation.

“Frank, we’ve been through this already, and we decided it was for the best,” he muttered, and Frank could tell he was indeed a bit annoyed for his insistence on the matter. “Please… you said you’d trust me with everything, didn’t you?” Gerard opened his eyes again, looking at the other man.

“I know, I know, I just… I’m so nervous. I’ve never done anything like this before.”

“Well, obviously, I mean… look at you, you’re still here,” Gerard pulled away the curtain a bit, getting closer to the other as one of his hands went up to caress his cheek affectionately. “I always thought of it, I always… I always wanted it all to end. I always wanted to end everything and just…. Disappear. It will feel better, Frank. It will, just… trust me. We can do this, together, and then… then we can be together. Just you and me.”

Frank returned the gaze, one of his hands covering Gerard’s on his face lovingly. He never felt like that; never felt like he would need to do something so… drastic. He always thought he was living a happy life, that he had everything he ever wanted. He had the best girlfriend ever, who wasn’t only just a chick, but also a really fucking cool friend he could share many things with. He was living happily with her, he was going to get married with her and have kids one day; he was going to have a little girl and a boy, so he could have a daddy’s girl and his own little Frank to teach how to play the guitar and follow his steps. He also had a band, conformed with his best friends in the entire world, and he was touring with them, with three records out there, making a job of his lifetime hobby. What else would he need? What would his life lack to make him feel like he needed to do that?

The answer was right in front of him, and he knew that Gerard was right. It was the only thing they could do to be together, and nothing else. There was no other way to do it. They both knew they couldn’t possibly leave their respective partners, especially not Gerard, who’s wife was all the time praying around there and saying how much she wanted to get pregnant soon. How can you possibly even try to say ‘hey, know what, I’m in love with my best friend, not you’ and not break someone’s heart?. How can you possibly do such thing when you care so much about that person, when… when you’re happy with them, even though they’re not exactly what you want, but they’re there for you, to support you and love you and take care of you. That just wasn’t right.

“I love you,” Frank whispered, his lips brushing Gerard’s timidly.

“I love you too, honey,” The other replied, pecking him softly, a few droplets running down his forehead, wetting the other’s face. “Remember what we settled?”

“Yeah. I’ll just wait for your text at 4am.”

“Good. I wanna see the sunrise with you… just. Please. Don’t tell anyone, alright?”

“D-don’t you think that… you should at least tell Mikey?” Frank fidgeted a bit on his place. He could see the younger Way’s face on his mind when he discovered what they’ve done. It was just too much for words, Gerard knew that. He needed to know.

“No,” he replied sternly “No, Frank, I can’t tell him. He’ll try to stop me, to stop us. We don’t want that. I’ll… I’ll just stop by his door before meeting with you and leave him a letter under the door.”

“Well… isn’t that a bit too cliché for you?” the smaller man side smiled, remembering those exact same words coming out of Gerard’s mouth when situations like those happened, the goodbye letters and stuff. The other just shrugged.

“I’d leave him a small tape with the letter spoken, but I don’t have the voice recorder with me, so that’ll have to be it.”

Suddenly, the heavy bathroom door opened, hysterical laughs being heard on the entrance. Frank panicked for a little bit before pecking Gerard’s lips once again and suddenly stripping really fast. He threw his clothes on one of the benches around there and stepped into the cubicle next to Gerard, closing the curtain and turning on the shower before the others could notice he wasn’t really showering, especially Mikey. He had enough of his rants and how he already made it pretty clear (and on several occasions), how he didn’t want him and Gerard to keep seeing each other.

A couple hours later, all showered and dressed and with all their gear loaded on the trucks and all, they were moving finally to the hotel. Under everyone’s eyes and to please the younger Way, Gerard followed the routine they’ve been keeping since for a while now and Frank and him wouldn’t be sharing a room that night. Even though in reality they were dying to, they wanted to pretend everything was just fine and getting on track normally, which was apparently surprising everyone. Normally they would end up sneaking into the other’s room anyway, and no one else had to know about it.

That night though…. That night was the final sneak out. That night everything was going to change; both of them knew it. They wouldn’t have to hide anymore, they wouldn’t have to sufferanymore. That was the end of all, and he could feel it on the tip of his fingers when they brushed secretly; it was the end. And he quite honestly couldn’t wait any longer for it, but he was scared. Really fucking scared, bringing some new ‘what if’s to his head, like ‘what if they were discovered too early?’ or ‘what if Gerard backed off on the last second?’ or what if himself backed off on the last second? How could he live the rest of his life knowing he pushed Gerard to the limit just to whine and step off a minute later? That was inexcusable. That could never happen. Not now..

“Frank?” Bob called him suddenly, interrupting his thoughts and making him snap back to reality. He was almost alone in the lobby, his friends walking away down to the elevator with their suitcases. He felt his cheeks burning as he noticed, and with a quick smirk, a classic gesture on his face to try not to call that much attention, he grabbed his things and went right to follow them up to their rooms.

Once they got there, Frank threw his backpack and suitcase over the bed and closed the door behind his back, shutting himself to the world once again, at least for some minutes, just to think. He sat on the floor against the wooden door, his arms over his knees, hiding his face on them. He never thought of what he was even going to say to Jamia. He never thought about it. But then again, what could he say anyway? What were you going to do, just call her and tell her your plans with your best friend / lover? Tell her the truth, that he had been cheating on her for a long while now with him, that it wasn’t just an affair but they were actually in love? He couldn’t do that. He just couldn’t he couldn’t articulate it out loud to her, it was impossible. He was going to break her heart and he didn’t want to. Of course, he was going to anyway, but he couldn’t hear her voice speaking the truth, calling him a motherfucker liar, a piece of shit. Sure, he was all those things, and he really deserved to be yelled at. They both did; that was why they were going to take the easy way out.

He laughed at himself. Easy way. Who the fuck ever said it was easy? Making pancakes was easy. Playing the guitar was easy. Goddamn it, winning a Nobel Prize was easy compared to what they were going to do. It wasn’t fucking easy, not even a slight bit, especially not when the usual 1am text flashed on his phone saying ‘Miss u, wish u were here with me. love, J’.

Whoever called it the ‘easy way’ was probably motherfucking delirious.

He pulled himself together after what felt like some minutes; it was already 3:30am and he didn’t know wether he actually fell asleep or he got that deep on his thoughts. He felt his phone buzzing on his jeans pockets and his heart skipped a beat. He flipped it open just to see he had a new text, and he was pretty sure it wasn’t Jamia this time.

It was Gerard.

‘Thinking about you.
Just 30 mins. I hope you still want to do this, Frankie
xxx’

The guitarist swallowed hard, closing his eyes for a moment, pushing aside the thought and the comparison between the two messages besides the lack of chat speak on the second one, liking how the other took his time to write him and not rushed, like he wanted to get done with it quickly. Well, at least Gerard didn’t seem to be backing off. He checked on the clock one last time before stepping up from the floor and typing back a quick reply to not make the other wait and give the impression that he’s absolutely sure about the whole thing. Not that he wasn’t, but… yeah.

‘Can’t wait, Gee.
Where?’

As he got to the bed, a final message got to his phone, and he couldn’t help a stupid giggle that slipped from his lips at the stupid reference when he read the other’s text.

‘Outside, in the hotel entrance. Please be there at 4 o’clock.
Text me if you’re not cumin’
Love you
xoxo’

‘Will be there, G.
Love you too
xxx’

And with that final text, he flipped his phone closed again, dug it into his pocket and prepared himself for those last 30 minutes of solitude that separated him from an eternity with his lover, the owner of his dreams.

***

It was 4am already, and he was standing by the door of his room, about to go outside the aisle and to meet Gerard down in the parking lot where they agreed. It came to him way quicker than he thought, but to be quite honest, it helped. The decision was about to be made, and he had one hand on his backpack with the few things they were going to need (if they were even going to need anything at all anyway). Maybe there was some change of plans or something in the way and he wanted to be prepared for that. The other hand was inside his pocket, grabbing his cell phone. He had to be prepared for anything and everything, and nothing was going to take him by surprise this time. Absolutely nothing.

His stomach was twisting again and the urge of spilling his guts out he had back there on stage was returning with all force, but he had to keep straight. The hand on his pocket was trembling and he was about to finally call Jamia and tell her about everything, about the decision they were going to take, to see if there was another way out of it all, to see if maybe they didn’t have to go to that extreme point, but once again he was blown off from his plans by a buzz on the device. His lips quivered as he pulled it out clumsily, dropping it to the floor and picking it up to see the screen flashing with a new text.

‘Where are you?’

And he just noticed it was 4.15 already and he was still facing the inside face of his room door and he couldn’t believe it. He shut the phone off, put it inside his backpack this time, kind of hiding it from his own view and almost life and went through the door and down the aisle silently.

When he reached the lobby and went out to the entrance, the cool summer night breeze hit on his face, making him shiver slightly and his heart almost flipped to the most incredible image he thought he would ever see on his life when he finally spotted what he was looking for.

Gerard was in the corner of the parking lot, right next to the exit, leaning against a black vintage Chevy Impala, shiny and beautiful. The older man was smoking, with his leather jacket on and wearing a pair of sunglasses, the smoke drawing circles in the thick air of the summer night.

Frank couldn’t help running towards him, a smile on the corner of his lips. At that moment, he realized that, even though he was sure he was still going to be called a motherfucking coward for the rest of his memory (and he didn’t really care that much about that matter), he was doing the right thing. He felt anxious and the feeling like he was going to throw up at any minute was becoming more powerful every second, but he didn’t care. He was going to be with Gerard, and nothing else mattered right then. He dropped his backpack to the floor when he approached him and hugged him really tight, burying his face on his neck, smelling him, feeling the scent of cigarettes, sweat and cologne he loved. He felt the vocalist drop his smoke to the pavement, his arms circling his waist immediately as tight as he was. He caressed his hair with one of his strong hands; the hands that supported his entire world.

“Why did you take so long?... I thought you wouldn’t come,” he asked in a low voice, evidencing his anxiety as well. The smaller could feel his heart beating furiously on his lover’s chest, and he felt a little bit better about the whole deal. He knew at least that he wasn’t the only one dying of nervousness then. Frank pulled away slightly to be able to look at him on the face. He could see him smiling, his eyes shining, even though he had his sunglasses on.

“I was fucking scared. I didn’t know if we could make it, if… if you were going to be here. If we were going to actually fucking do this.”

“We are, Frank. We are. I can’t wait any single second without you here, with me, just the two of us…. Unless you don’t want to” the older said, his smile fading a bit from his face. Frank pressed his lips with his before his expression changed completely, and then he knew that it was the best choice he could have made.

“I want to. I want to, I want to be the rest of my life with you. I don’t care about anything else” he mumbled on Gerard’s lips, a few tears slipping from his closed lids as he did so. He never meant his words so much in his entire life.

He pulled away some seconds later, after the older held his chin with his thumb and index to keep his face on place as he kissed him deeply, meaningfully. Fuck, he never felt so secure in his life in any other place that wasn’t Gerard’s arms. When they parted, he took a glimpse of the car Gerard was leaning on and noticed the older was holding the keys on his hand. He didn’t know where he got that car from, how much he actually paid for it or even when did he have time to sneak out and actually get it. He didn’t think he even cared though; nothing really cared at that point, less a fucking car. The older man opened the trunk, throwing Frank’s backpack next to his inside and closing it, trying not to make too much noise.

“We’re actually running away on this car?” Frank asked, a bit uneasy, but as he heard his voice out loud, he regretted the comment. It was a motherfucking fancy vintage convertible, a genuine classic, and was in really good fucking shape. He knew Gerard better than that; of course they were running away on that car.

“You don’t like it?” the older asked, turning around the car and sitting on the driver’s seat, opening the door for him on the other side. Frank giggled at the gentleman gesture and sat on the passenger’s place, closing the small door, admiring the leather seats and the nice old restored paneling inside the car. It was indeed marvelous; it looked like it came right out of a movie and the longer he looked at it, he more it was blowing his mind off.

“Too much Thelma and Louise, maybe?,” he chuckled, making the other laugh. It was terrible how he could make a joke like that right now, but it was certainly better than having a panic attack, like he was constantly feeling before seeing his lover.

“Nah,” Gerard flipped his hand, turning on the engine and the stereo of the car. “Too much Frankie and Gee, maybe”

“Yeah… probably that’s it,” he replied, as Glenn Danzig’s voice started to blare out through the car speakers in the shape of his favorite Misfits record. Frank closed his eyes once again, feeling his nerves turning into a big rush of adrenaline as Gerard pulled off the parking area and driving towards the exit and down the street; roads and streets and everything ahead, even when it seemed like they were actually leaving everything behind; their wives, their friends, their lives. Just everything.

As they took the main road, Frank felt a strong hand on his thigh, as Gerard pressed his foot on the accelerator, the city lights becoming a blur by now, something almost incomprehensible surrounding them. The horns of the other cars created a nice background sound to his favorite songs; he put his hand over Gerard’s on his leg, pressing on it slightly as he looked at him. They didn’t need to say anything else, honestly. There wasn’t enough words to keep talking or even try to think. Not anymore. It didn’t matter if Jamia knew days later that he actually ran away with his best friend and he was never going to reply to her calls and find out that actually his best friend was his lover. He didn’t care that Lindsey was going to find out and look for them all over the earth to murder her husband. He didn’t care that their friends were going to fucking murder them as well.

It was all going to fucking end, finally, and it would be just the two of them, as it always should’ve been. Just them, and no one else to care about in the world. And no matter how fucking selfish it was, no matter how bad he felt inside for doing something like that, at that exact moment of his life, he knew that, indeed, that was fucking it.