Need You Now

"It's not your fault, Amee. We couldn't have prevented anything that happened that day."Michelle, Brian's loving and caring wife, cupped my hand into hers."Please get some rest. I'm worried about you. We're all worried about you."

I shook my head softly, feeling my eyes well in tears. There was no need for anyone to worry about me anymore. I felt like I didn't belong in the Sevenfold family after Jimmy had passed. I didn't know how I was going to cope. He was my rock - my shoulder to cry on. Now that he's gone, I don't know what to do.

I never had to worry about working. He had the rent and bills paid on just a few months of selling cds'. I pulled my hand from Michelle's and wiped down my face. I leaned over in my seat and began to cry into my hands. I don't know how I'm going to work the bills, the rent or the funeral costs anymore. It was too much for me.

"Amee,"Michelle placed a gentle hand on my back, rubbing it ever so softly."you'll be okay, honey. We'll help you."

Two months ago I found myself breaking slowly. It was like December 28th kept coming back to me. I had refused to visit Jimmy's grave, no matter how bad my body ached to go. Seeing his grave would put realization into my mind and I couldn't handle that. He was everything to me and he was taken away over night.

I brushed my blonde hair back with my hands and rubbed my temples roughly. My headaches, over time, had gotten excrutiatingly worse, forcing my doctor to put me on pain medication. I never took it, because I feared what happened to Jimmy would happen to me.

Sleep was something I had grown used to being without. My sleeping pills sat on the dresser by my bed, but I was more than sure that dust had taken a comfortable home on my pill vile. Everything was a mess to me, no matter how I looked at the picture. I was behind on all the bills and was still paying off the funeral costs.

The guys had offered plenty of times to pay it off for me, but I wouldn't be able to accept their money. I had grown distant from everyone, feeling as if they didn't want me around anymore. It wasn't something I enjoyed feeling, but that's how everything came out to me. I wasn't wanted, period.

I rubbed my tired eyes, letting a yawn escape my dry, chapped lips. I had grown into a full out mess over the past two months, but it didn't bother me anymore. I had no reason to look good. I had no reason to prep myself for Jimmy when he came walking through the front door. I had no reason for anything anymore.

Despite not taking my medication, when I did happen to get sleep, it was always the same dream every time. Someone was trying to talk to me, but not being able to see their facial features didn't help me. It was a tall, dark shadow that always talked with their hands. Their words came out muffled, so I ignored them.

I decided to let the dreams pass as my delerium, knowing that if I could get an actual nights sleep then I would be okay. I knew that at some point I had to make it to Jimmy's grave, even though every fiber in my body told me how upsetting it would be. Maybe a visit to his grave would set some things straight.

I tried talking to Jimmy so many times, but I always recieved nothing. No answers, no prayers, no nothing. I eyed down my keys on the island, my mind probing into my nerves, trying to make them jump up and grab them. I wanted to drive down to the graveyard and scream. I wanted to scream at whoever took him from me.

I wanted to dig through the few feet of dirt and opened Jimmy's casket. I wanted it to pop open and show nothing, just to prove how insane I had actually become. Goosebumps rose up over my skin as I thought about opening his casket and seeing his dilapidated and rotting body.

Seeing maggots upon maggots feasting on his eyes and insides. I covered my mouth, feeling the sudden urge to get sick. It wasn't a simple death anymore. It was needing his comfort. It was needing his arms around me once again. It was needing him here that got me so upset.

I jumped as my phone began ringing in the kitchen. My keys were only a few feet away and I knew if I got up to actually answer the phone call I would have to take my keys. Despite what my mind wanted, I crawled from the couch and grabbed onto the phone. I pressed it to my ear, waiting to hear someone's response.

"Amee? Amee, is it really you?"Brian was on the other end, almost shocked that I had picked up.

I had ignored phones calls. Ignored visits. I ignored everything and anything about Avenged Sevenfold ever since the day I found Jimmy in bed, asleep forever.

"Amee, are you there?"Brian sighed softly."Please, say something."

"I'm here."My throat was dry.

"It's been so long, Amee. You were making us all nervous. Amee, we want to take you out. Get your mind off of things."He said softly."We miss you."

They missed me. It was something I wasn't used to hearing anymore. I didn't have to force a smile when I said, "It's okay, Brian. I'm okay. I don't feel like going out. I'm sorry."

"Amee, wait,"I hung up the phone, allowing the silence to fill the house once more.

I turned, finding my car keys starring back at me. With a deep breath, I took hold of them and headed toward the front door. I was going to finally visit Jimmy, no matter how bad I wanted to turn around and head home. I climbed into the front seat of my car, which surprisingly hadn't been repoed yet, and took off down the road.

I arrived after a short while at the cemetary, where all my fears hit me at once. I wanted to leap out of the car and find Jimmy, but finding wasn't the problem now. I knew exactly where he was resting, even after so long of not seeing this place. I turned off my car, making sure I left the keys in the ignition.

I climbed out, taking the short walk down the cement sidewalk. I stopped, knowing very well that Jimmy's grave was looking up at me. I felt the world crash down on me and I fell to my knees. My eyes welled in tears as I ran my fingers down his tombstone.

James Sullivan,
friend, husband and son.

I choked on my tears as I let my head drop. How could they do this to me? How could they take my everything away from me? I didn't deserve anything like this, no matter what I had done. I looked up, angrily glaring at the darkening sky. The sun was setting, forcing the blend of oranges, yellows and reds to shine back at me.

"Why?!"I screamed."Why would you take him from me?! Why?!"

I began to choke and I clutched my throat lightly. I didn't even have the strength to cry out at whoever was responsible for these dasterdly actions. I wiped furiously at my eyes, hoping that Jimmy could see me now. I hope he could see how upset I was.

"Jimmy,"I whimpered softly."I need you. I need you more than ever. You have to come back, Jimmy, because if you don't -"

I stopped, letting my mind scramble for words. How do I go about this? If there was any way to do what I was thinking, then my sleeping pills could do the job. Quick and painless.

"If you don't, then I'll go to you."I clutched my shirt tighter to my body, wishing I had taken a jacket.

I pressed my hand against his tombstone and upon hearing no response, I broke down.

"I know you can hear me!"I cried."I know you know I'm here!"

I collapsed further onto his grave, letting out all the emotions I was feeling. I was angered, upset and scared. My life had gone so far down hill that I was giving up on everything. I stood from his grave after regaining myself and eyed down the dirt. He was under there, sleeping while I was on top, weeping.

"I'm done."I made my way back to my car, where I made the quick drive home.

I made my way inside, not shutting the front door behind me. I was giving everything I had away. I didn't care who was taking it or selling it - it was theirs now. I reached into my cabinets, taking hold of all my plates and glasses and threw them from the cupboards.

The glass shattered along the kitchen floor, bouncing with the force. I opened my drawers throughout the kitchen, dumping them and throwing the wooden boards when I had finished. I was done with dealing. I was done feeling alone and unwanted. I was done.

I cried lightly as I stepped over the glass, reaching into my unopened cabinet. I grabbed a glass, filling it to the top with water. I made my way to my bedroom, feeling the glass enter and dig itself into the bottom of my feet. As I pushed open my bedroom door, I could almost feel how different the atmosphere had gotten.

It was like someone was with me, trying to prevent me from making my move. I pushed through the thick, humid air and took hold of my pill vile. I pushed the top off with my thumb and allowed more than half the bottle to enter my mouth. I threw the vile down, watching as my pink and white pills bounced across the carpet.

I began chewing, chewing and biting down so vigorously that they turned to dust in my mouth. I drank the cup of water and tossed it across the room, letting it shatter against my wall. I fell into bed, clutching my stomach tightly. The severe amount of medicine burned, but it wasn't long before I could find myself drifting, falling asleep.

The man was back again, but this time he was further up. He was hovering above me, whispering little things I couldn't quite make out. I was growing aggitated, knowing that he was speaking so low I couldn't hear him. I sat up in bed, growing shocked when those blue eyes shone back at me.

"Jimmy?"The whimper came out so low I barely heard it myself."Jimmy? I - Is that you?"

His eyes held pain and anger. His demeanor was so breath taking that it made me shrink back in my bed. I looked around the room, finding the pill vile and glass still on the floor. His eyes scanned the room, his frown growing larger at the sight. I crawled to the end of the bed, taking Jimmy tightly in my arms.

"I miss you so much, Jimmy."I cried."Please, come back to bed. Come back home."

"What are you doing, Amee?"He pushed me away, pointing an accusing finger in my direction."Why would you do this?!"

I was slightly shocked. I would expect that seeing him again would send both of us to tears. I wiped at my eyes, looking down at the shattered glass. I know for a fact he saw the pills, but I tried to shake his mind from it.

"I got angry."I whispered.

"Angry? Why would you get angry, Amee? What about the pills? Why would you waste your life like that?"He cupped my face in his hands, making sure he made eye contact.

I was ashamed. So ashamed to look into those blue orbs and lie to him. I wanted to tell him how upset I had been when he passed away. How him passing ruined my life severely. His eyes welled in tears, but as they fell, they slowly disapepared when they reached just past his nose.

"You're dying Amee."He whimpered."You're dying and you don't care."

The room slowly began to shake as my bedroom door creaked open. Brian had walked in, but it was like Jimmy and I weren't even there. His eyes widened in absolute fear when he saw me, lying lifeless on my bed. Michelle had followed after him, but as he tried to usher her out the door, she caught sight of what Brian had.

She began screaming, crying and shivering. Her once best friend was lying on the bed, completely still and lifeless. Jimmy looked back at the both of them, his frown growing wider. He turned back toward me and pulled away slowly.

"They don't have to see this, but they were worried."He whispered quietly.

"I've tried to talk to you, Jimmy."I stood from my bed, watching in horror as they made their way to my body.

It was absolutely shocking and breath taking to see myself lying on the bed, curled up in a painful position. They were dialing on their cell phones for 911, but it wouldn't do anything now.

"I've always been with you, Amee."He reached for my face again, resting his right hand against my cheek.

He wasn't warm and comforting like I remember him. His touch was ice cold, but it felt so good against my skin.

"I've visited your dreams every time."He choked."I tried to stop you before you even thought about taking your own life."

"I need you, Jimmy."I grabbed his hand, but he slid it from my grasp.

"You need to move on, Amee. I know this is painful, but move on and accept the help they're offering you. They want you in their lives, Amee, even if you don't see it."Jimmy stated."They love you."

Silence filled the air as I turned toward Brian and Michelle. I could see her screaming, trying to break me from my sleep. Their cries were silent, like watching a silent movie. It hurt me to know the pain I caused, but I couldn't help how I was feeling. It was now or never, and I chose now.

Jimmy shook his head, almost wishing he could put the words into my mouth. He wanted to shake me sane again. He took hold of my hand and gave me a small smile. I stepped into him and wrapped my arms tight around his slim body. I cried into his shoulder, knowing this could be my last time seeing him.

"I love you, Jimmy."I whimpered.

"I love you too, Amme. I always will."His touch became softer as he pulled away."You're going to the hospital. You're on a gerny now. You'll be okay, Amee."

"No,"I reached toward him again, but he wasn't as solid as he was nearly moments ago."Jimmy don't leave me! Please!"

"You'll be alright, Amee."He cupped my face in his hands and pressed a gentle kiss on my lips."I love you."

They tingled as he slowly started to fade. He never moved his hands before he disappeared from my sight. I suddenly clenched my chest, feeling a bolt of electricity go through me. It was the pain that crippled me and sent me to my knees. I cried out in pain as it went again, forcing the world I was once in to disappear.

"Jimmy!"

Lights blurred over my head as I tried to reach out to Jimmy. I could feel hands rub against my arms as I was being rushed down a hall. I choked on my breath as my hands refused to move.

"Jimmy,"I croaked softly.

"She's alive!"I slowly let my head turn to the side, seeing Brian and Michelle, crying into their hands.

Brian looked up, letting a smile crawl onto his lips. He leaned forward, pressing a kiss on my forehead. He grabbed my hand and whispered, "You'll be okay, Amee."

"Jimmy."He shook his head, allowing his tears to free fall down his cheeks.

"Jimmy isn't here with us, Amee."Michelle put her hand over Brian's, who's hand was holding mine.

"Just stay with us, Amee."I turned back toward the ceiling, feeling multiple people grip and tear at my shirt.

My eyes welled in tears and I closed my eyes, hoping that I would fall back asleep and be with Jimmy once again. I opened my mouth to speak, but no words came out. I choked on my breath once again and began coughing. My chest was on fire, but it was slowly fading again.

I took in a deep breath, feeling that breathing was slowly becoming more and more painful and hard to do. I let a sly smile come onto my lips as Jimmy's eyes starred back at me. He was here, even if Brian and Michelle couldn't see him.

You'll be okay, Amee.