Right Here Waiting

It was Saturday, so I didn't have to worry about school. There were a ton of people in the streets however, so it was nearly impossible to walk without bumping into someone. This was partially because of the holidays coming up. Most people were trying to do the smart thing and buy their gifts early.

I pulled my coat closer to me, trying to block out the cold. It didn't help much. Maybe I should invest in a better coat...

"Is it usually this crowded here?" I glanced down at Toshiro, and met his irritated eyes. I shrugged, and gave him a response.

"Well, my guess is its because of Christmas."

He kept his gaze on me, as if he wanted more of an explanation.

"What? You guys don't celebrate Christmas in the Soul Society?" I stared at him in disbelief, and he looked away from me.

"I just never cared much for holidays from the world of the living." The look on his face seemed like he had heard of it somewhere before, but failed to recall it exactly.

We walked in a Starbucks shop, and I bought us both some hot coffee to warm us up. It felt like it was burning since my hands were freezing as a result of not wearing any gloves. I kept my grip on it anyway, but Toshiro must have noticed something, because he took it away from my hands.

Damn facial expressions. Always betraying me. Grr-ness.

I went on with our discussion, and we sat down on a bench in the center of the shopping center. City workers were busy getting the giant Christmas tree up, attaching ornaments here and there. I noticed they didn't have the star on it yet.

"You see, Christmas time is really awesome actually." I watched the workers almost drop a ornament. "Its really nice because you get to spend time as a family," My eyes found their way to my lap, and he handed my coffee back. It was warm now, not hot. "You gather around the Christmas tree after a great dinner, and you tell stories of your favorite past times..." My fingers traced the edge of the coffee cup.

I lifted my gaze to him, and a small smile came to my face. "Then, at midnight, you get to exchange gifts. You usually get them from your family or Santa, but if there is someone special in your life, you can get them gifts too." I paused, and looked back up at the unfinished tree. "They also have fireworks here. I think we would be able to see them from my roof."

I finally brought the coffee to my lips and took a sip. I gazed sideways at Toshiro, and he seemed deep in thought. Its always like that. This kid is way too serious for his own good. He took a sip of his coffee as well, and I smirked.

"You know Shiro-chan, coffee stuns your growth. Maybe you shouldn't drink that."

I watched as his spit it out almost immediately, and I burst into laughter. I didn't think he cared so much about his short stature.

****

We walked down a empty street in silence. I could feel my heart beat racing, with each step that I took. Every time my foot touched the ground, I was one step closer to one of the worst places I could ever go back to.

The street that my old house was at didn't change much, new people have moved in, and a few houses have been remodeled. I hardly recognized my own when we approached it. My family had re-painted it, and added a driveway. They even cut down a tree that I used to love to climb when I was little. Instead, there was a small patch of flowers in its place.

I turned to Toshiro, and I swallowed. What if they didn't live here anymore? When I saw Sai, we were on the other side of town... "You should wait out here, I won't take long." He nodded, and I started walking up the drive way.

I would just put the letter back in the mailbox and leave. Just put it in the mailbox and leave. Oh why, why did the mailbox have to be right next to the door?! Just I slipped the letter inside the metal box, the door opened.

I now know what a deer felt like when a cars headlights were shining on them.

"Hikaru?" The person said, and they came into view.

It was my mother.

She hadn't changed much either, except she looked older, much older than I remember. The roots of her hair were beginning to turn grey, and her midnight colored hair seemed a bit dull. I felt her onyx eyes on me, taking in every detail of my appearance.

"H-Hikaru! It is you! Oh sweetie, you've finally come back!"

My legs refused to move. I wanted to run, run as far as I could from here. But fear kept me in my place. My mother stepped out from the doorway and wrapped her arms awkwardly around me.

"Mom? Um..." I didn't know what to say to her, mainly because I wasn't counting on meeting her here. I didn't hug her back, but instead stood as still as a statue.

"It's okay Hikaru, here, come inside. You're going to stay right?" Her voice sounded hopeful, and the opened the door to let me in.

I hesitated, not knowing if I should believe her sincerity or not. She seemed happy to see me...

But I knew better than that.

I swallowed, and shook my head in silence. My feet slowly began moving, and I stepped away from her. Away from that door. "Sorry, I ... can't." My words felt forced, and I tried not to give into the disappointment on her face. "I've...gotta go." Again, my words felt awkward. I turned on my heel and ran away from the front porch.

As soon as I knew that I was out of sight, I leaned against a brick wall. My breaths were ragged, and no matter how deep of a breath I took, it still felt like I was suffocating. It was like pressure had decided to weigh a ton and sit on top of my chest., preventing me from breathing.

My thoughts were circling around my head in an endless loop, and I couldn't think straight.

I was scared.

I should have never come back to that place. I should have never even come near here... I felt something warm on my arm and my head shot up.

It was Toshiro's hand.

He wore a concerned face, and spoke softly, "Are you alright? What happened?"

The pressure lifted from my chest, and my breaths slowly became normal. I felt myself calming down. I let my head fall onto his shoulder, and I leaned against him. "Yeah, nothing happened. Don't worry." My words felt weak, as if I couldn't even convince myself of that.

My mother had invited me back into the house, so did that mean that what Sai said was true? Was she really worried about me? I didn't know whether to believe it or not. My mother and I never had a picture perfect relationship, and she was one of the reasons why I left.

Ever since I was little, I had always loved my mother, I always admired her. She was always beautiful, as if the flow of time didn't affect her at all. She was strict, and never accepted any mistakes from me. And that was because of Sai.

Sai was the golden child of the family, well behaved, and smart.

I on the other hand, was the rebellious one. I have always been like this, rebellious when I was restricted. And because of this, my mother and I always argued. A lot of the times those said arguments became heated, and some of them were over insignificant things.

When I was younger, I was taught not to argue or talk back, or else. As everyone knows, 'or else' means you better do it or you're going to look very colorful. So, I learned the hard way. But it never got too far, because most of the time, Sai would save me from my mother, before too much damage was caused.

But things changed as I got older. One thing I learned was that my mother didn't love me half as much as she loved Sai. Sai was the apple of her eye. I felt like I was the black sheep in the family, and Sai even called me that from time to time.

My mother never supported me in anything I showed interest in. She always shot down my hopes by saying they were a waste of time, and that I had nothing to gain from it. Being locked up in the house never helped either.

Her sudden bursts of violence were becoming more frequent, and any little thing would set her off. Once I was reading a book, and I was getting frustrated, because I can't read well. I've never been able to read well. As soon as my mother saw me reading the book, and tore it out of my hands and began to hit me with the tv remote.

I had bruises all over my arm.

Sai had stopped protecting me long ago.

But I still loved my mother, in some sick twisted way, because I can't see how you can still love someone even after all the pain they cause you.

I remember the night that Ayame came to save me. My mother had had an argument with my father, and I was offering her some coffee to calm her nerves. She was always accusing my father of having an affair with some lady at work. I can't say I blamed her, I had very little trust for my father also, with things I had discovered as I grew older. Just as I was going to place the cup down, she knocked it out of my hand, and I fell. I was cut by the shards of the cup, and the hot coffee stung my skin. The next thing I knew, a brown leather belt began lashing out at me, and all I could do was wither in pain.

But all of the sudden it stopped, and I saw Ayame standing defensively over me.

That night we gathered my things and left.

No one knew how my mother betrayed me, only Ayame.

A long sigh escaped my lips, and my fingers traced a small scar on my palm. Toshiro opened the front door of my home, and I sat down on the couch. Leaning my head back, I stared at the ceiling, and then I let my bangs cover my face.

"Toshiro, promise me you'll never let me try to go back there ever again."