Losing Myself

Dear readers

A story like mine should never be told. It as forbidden as it is fragile. Without it's secrets, it would never survive. I certainly wasn't born into the life of the white man. Like so much of my strange life, I was carried there by the current. The first time I knew I was going to be taken away from the pale skins, my parents didn't feed me or my younger sister, Amaya(6) like the other families fed their young. That night, we went hungry. To understand emptiness, they told us. As I child who lived 8 winters, I did not know what they meant by that. Now that I'm in my aged years, I truly understand what they were telling me.
Life before residential school was peaceful. The children of the community learning from their parents and elders, brothers and sisters. Cousins. The best part about being home with my family and friends was when we would all gather around a fire and tell stories. Laughing and having fun. Learning about life and other very important things. That was the best memory I have before the white man came and took the children away to residential school.
Going to the school was a whole different story. All the children of the community were forced to stand in two lines. One for girls and one for boys. As I was standing there with my sister behind me, holding onto my hand for dear life. I looked around at the parents who were in a deep depression, none of them sparing a glance at their children, I caught sight of my mother. Her small body was in the strong arms of my father as she cried. At that moment, I felt such sadness for my mother and father and almost sorry that Amaya and I were going to die. Of course, as I got older, I knew it wasn't death that had fallen apon us.
Being a first nation child, I never heard or seen a plane. So as you can imagine, once the sound of the plane drew near and loud, I was quite frightened of what was about to appear in front of me. Amaya cried out and grabbed onto my arm as the wind around us started to swirl and the loud noise began louder and louder. I looked up into the clouds and focused on the point where it was the loudest, squinting my eyes as I tried to get a better look. Moments later, I had caught sight of what was approaching in the sky and I gasped, frightened of what it could possibly be. And at that same moment, I remember looking down at my younger sister, burying her face into my side, her small hands gripping tightly to my clothing. And I thought to myself... I have to stay strong. For Amaya. And with that, I stood tall with my chin high. I turned my head towards my mother and father and saw that they were both looking at me. I had noticed that my mother was no longer crying but had a small smile playing at the corner of her lips. I remember my eyes were starting to sting as I tried to hold back tears. My parents were proud of me for staying wrong for my sister. After that, we had boarded the plane and were off. That is all I could remember until we got to the next stop...
The pale skins started to unload us one by one to stop to have something to eat. Eating dinner was a blur for me. Everyone around me were eating as if they hadn't eaten in days. Even my sister. But I had a gut feeling that they were trying to butter us up for later. For what? I had no idea. I was only eight. Once everyone was finished, they separated us into five groups with nine kids in each row. I was very confused and was scared of what was happening. I took a look at my surroundings and saw that there was two buses, one boat off by the river to my left and two smaller planes with the pale skins surrounding us. I looked at my sister who was in the row beside mine and a friend who was in the row at the end. She had been looking at me and once our eyes met, it was as if the thought ran from her head to mine. I remember my heart was pounding hard in my chest to the point where it was all I could hear. The sound of my blood pumping fast in my ears. I was so confused of what to do that I didn't realize that the pale skins started to load the others onto their rides. Even till this day, I could hear our screams as I tried to run to my sister, crying out her name. The look on her small, chubby face broke my heart as her little hand reached out to mine before she was picked up by a man in black and dragged her onto the bus while another man in black wrapped his arms around me and jerked me away from her onto the other bus. The others around me were screaming and crying but to scared to move as they watched the man beat me with his fist. Once he was finished, I remember looking up and watching as the kids on the boat and planes were already leaving before looking towards the bus my sister was on and saw that she was looking at me with big tears leaking out of her brown eyes and her hand pressed against the glass. That was the last thing I wanted was for her to see me in that kind of position. The last thing I remember before passing out was the man who had beaten me picked me up and put me in an empty seat of the bus. That was also the last time I seen my sister. Or so I thought...
It felt like years by the time I woke up in the dark. I remember that my body ached and felt so stiff. I don't remember much since I was still half asleep but I do remember a beautiful woman with pale skin and blond hair with beautiful blue crystals for eyes came onto the bus after everyone else was unloaded and headed into the building. She wore a black robe with a black sash wrapped around her head with a single white cross at the nape of her neck. The look she gave me as her cool hand pressed against my hot cheek and then slowly move my messy hair away from my face made me miss my mother. I remember I started to cry but she told me to shush before someone heard me. After that, everything was a blur. Soon enough, I woke up with a major headache due to nightmares.
I remember hearing the small cries of the other girls around me curled up in their beds. It was too dark for me to anyone or anything. So I laid back down in my bed, my body still aching from earlier that day. Darkness soon took over my vision as I fell back asleep.