I Never Stopped Loving You

His breath washed over my skin as he littered kisses down my stomach and then back up. My breathing hitched as I felt his hands touch the warm, bare skin of my back and pull me into a kiss. I pressed my fingers into his long hair and held onto him so he couldn’t pull away, though he didn’t seem to want to, pulling me closer and closer. I started to melt into him.

I stepped into the restaurant and took a seat by myself like every other Saturday. This was my alone time and I loved this time. I could think as I sipped my coffee and ate a piece of apple pie. My regular waitress never even asked my order anymore. There was simply a piece of apple pie and a hazelnut coffee at my table every Saturday right before four.

“Oh god,” I whispered as I realized he was pulling off my shirt. This was really happening. Was I ready? Was this right? Would I regret this in the morning? Was he too old for me? Thoughts flashed through my head as he took in my upper body, now only clad in my modest tan bra.
“You are so beautiful,” He whispered to me as his hands touched the skin of my stomach. “You need to tell me to stop now, or I’m going to rip off all your clothes, love,” he told me, his eyes meeting mine now. I didn’t move from my spot underneath him, still unsure.

The restaurant smelled of something sweet. I inhaled the scent as I sat down and took a sip of my coffee. I saw my waitress and waved at her as she spotted me.
“You need anything?” she asked when she got over to me. I shook my head and took a small bite of the apple pie.
“I’m fine. Thanks Helen,” I told her. She smiled at me and turned to help her other customers. I looked around the café and I realized I recognized someone; a man, three years older than me, with a girl about his age. His eyes were trained on her as if she was his whole world. And then I recognized her, too.

“Baby, you have to be sure,” he told me as I leaned against him, sweating from the summer heat and shaking from the possibilities and the scared feelings building up in my chest.
“I don’t know,” I whispered indecisively. He sighed and looked at me with those big brown eyes.
“Are you scared?” he asked me.
“Yes,” I said without hesitation.
“Do you trust me?” he asked. I nodded again.
“Do you love me?” he asked. I nodded.
“Do you want to make love?” he asked then. I looked at him and smiled faintly. Yes, I did.
“Yes,” I whispered. He smiled and leaned over to give me a sweet kiss.
“Now, tell me if you want to do this,” he said. This time I knew. I was scared, yes, scared half to death actually, but I trusted him with my life.
“Yeah, I want to,”


He looked much the same, though his hair was cropped shorter and he looked older. He was older. It’d been five years since I saw him last.
I looked down quickly, scrutinizing my pie instead of gathering his attention. I memorized his face so well that I still remember the way it felt to press my hand to his cheek or the way he smiled or the freckle on his stomach, just above his belly button. I remembered him so clearly. But he wasn’t mine anymore.

“Please, listen to me, Hannah. I never meant for anything of this to happen,” he whispered to me. I had found him in bed with another woman. And I knew it, too. I knew I was too young and I knew he’d just break my heart. I loved him to death, but he needed someone his own age. He needed her. And I envied her so much because she could have him, be with him without scrutinizing and disapproval.
“I gave you my virginity!” I screamed at him. I turned from the door and started to walk away, but he caught my arm. He wasn’t done.
“I love you, Hannah!” he yelled in my face.
“Bullshit!” I screamed back. “You love her!” I pointed with a deathly glare at the naked woman in his bed.
“Please don’t do this, Hannah,” he whispered. I pulled from his grasp roughly and walked away.


I took a quick glance that way and I saw him laugh at something she said, the same brunette I saw naked in bed the night we broke up. I was eighteen and naïve and I hated myself for that. How could I think he could love me? I knew my place now and I was twenty-three, on my own with a college degree and I was living. I didn’t need him.
He hadn’t seen me yet and I would be gone soon anyway. I finished my coffee and pie and stood up, grabbing my coat and pulling out my wallet. I left the money for Helen and stared toward the door. I didn’t need the flashbacks and I didn’t need to see him happy with her. It should be me. It should, but it can’t, because I was just a naïve eighteen year old and that’s all I’ll ever be to him.
“Wait, Hannah!” his voice pierced through to my soul. I didn’t want to stop. I wanted to walk away from him. He was happy. He didn’t need me.


He tried to talk to me after. He tried to reason with me, but my heart had been broken and I wouldn’t listen to reason. He stopped coming to my dorm and I stopped seeing him after he graduated. I never even found out where he lived. It didn’t matter. He was gone and I never wanted to see his face again. I learned how naïve I was and how innocent I’d become. And I hated myself for it. And I hated him for making me that.


“I have to go,” I whispered without even turning around.
“Hannah, it’s me. Jake,” he said. I turned around and came face to face with him.
“I know, I’m sorry, Jake, but I have to go,” I told him with a fake smile.
“You’re still a bad liar,” Jake told me. I closed my eyes for a second and recalled that time I saw him with her, him moaning her name and not mine. But the only memory in my mind was that night when I gave myself to him and then, I thought I’d known what love was.
“And you’re still a cheating bastard,” I told him coldly, hoping to just get away. I looked over at the girl and she was watching us. Her name was Melissa. I had her moan her name, “Melly! Oh, Melly!” he had moaned. My stomach lurked at the memory.
“Melissa and I aren’t together,” he told me, looking hurt though. I shrugged my shoulders.
“I’m just that naïve little girl. You told my virtue, you should be happy. Now, I’m leaving,” I told him, turning around once again. I felt his warm hand wrap around my bicep.
“Please, let’s talk,” he said.
“No,” I said stubbornly.
“Just look at me,” he begged. I groaned and looked at him. In about a second, I felt his hands press onto my face. I couldn’t look away and his gaze trapped me there. “Now listen, Hannah Stella Maria. I love you. I have loved you since the first time we made love. And I hated myself for sleeping with Melissa. And I hated myself for loosing you,” he told me. I wanted to cry, “bullshit,” but I didn’t have it in me. Tears slipped down my cheeks.
“Please let me go,” I whispered.
“Oh… my Hannah,” he said with a sigh. He let go of my face and then wiped away my tears. I felt so weak, but he was strong for me. I watched him as he leant forward and placed a small kiss across my lips. And just like that, those feelings are back. The sparks arose and I had to be as close to him as possible. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pressed my torso to his. “I won’t ever hurt you again,” he told me as he let go of me. I couldn’t breath and my head was spinning and I hated myself for it, but I loved him. And I had to learn to trust him again.
“I never stopped loving you,” I whispered.