This Is Our War, Our Beautiful Lie

I woke up in the morning, naked, and next to a naked Jared Leto. He was so cute, sleeping; his eyelids joined together, his beautiful mouth hanging a little bit open, breaths coming in and out quietly... until he started talking.

“No... don't... don't go... stay here... NO! Please... I love you...” I got sad, as he said those things; he couldn't, obviously, be talking about me. “Dannie, where did you go?” He asked, still sleeping; I felt so happy I almost woke him up. I smiled towards him and gently caressed his face, his words reverberating inside my head. Then I looked at my clock, which was positioned right behind his beautiful sleepy face, on the nighttime table.

“Oh!” I whispered.

I had an exam, that day - and I was getting late! I got up and Jared woke, confused. I looked at him, considering getting back in bed with that angel and falling asleep again, but then went dressing; I couldn’t skip that test if I ever wanted to graduate from college. And, besides, I could talk to him later. I dressed up in, like, a minute, while he watched me, but I never talked to him. I looked at Jared again when I was fully dressed, and he was looking at me sternly.

“I'm sorry...” He said, thinking I regretted of anything that happened the night before; I smiled at him, and got closer, trying to find words to tell him how grateful I was for the night before. In the end, I ended up just telling him the simple truth.

“Baby... I'm just hurrying 'cause I got an exam, for college; my last exam. And I'm late. But I'll be back in… two hours, or something. See you later, Jared” I said. Then, not knowing how I could even do that, I kissed him; after that, he smiled at me sweetly, while I left the room.

“See you later, Dannie.” I heard him say when I was already passing the living room; I checked my bag to see if I had all I needed and, after confirming, I left my home, and walked to college... In fact, I ran; I was lucky my college was near my house.

My exam was easy, but still was definitive for my graduation. I finished the exam in one hour, but I still had to be there for the whole two hours they gave us to do it. I took that time to think of what happened between me and Jared. Should I tell my best friends? I thought. I looked at them, across the classroom we were in; no, I shouldn't. The thing between me and Jared would never work, after all. He was a lot older than me, so, he probably would just walk away, faster than I could think. I couldn't let that happen to me, tough, so, I should run from him first. Yeah, I would tell him to walk away, when I got home, that morning. I had to. I couldn't feed this desire anymore. It wouldn't be good to me. I took a deep breath as I made my mind, even though I wanted to just let things be like they were.

I kept thinking about the night before until the teacher told us to leave. Determined, I went home.

I couldn't hear a sound; I figured Jared was still sleeping. I went to my room, and knocked.

“Jared, we need to talk...”I said while I opened the door, looking at the ground. “I need to...” When I looked up, Jared wasn't there; that made me stop talking and hold my breath. Was it a dream? No, it hadn't been a dream; it felt too real to be a dream. What had happened, then? I took some time thinking, but I figured it out, though: Jared had already escaped from me; he had ran from me.

“STUPID!” I screamed, anger filling my voice as my hands turned into fists, and tears started to escape my eyes.

I knew that would happen. Why was I hoping he'd still be there? I knew he would walk away. Still, I couldn't help but cry. I lied in my bed all day, crying for Jared. My heart wasn't broken; I didn't have any time for that, I thought. Then why did it hurt so badly? Had love at first sight attacked me, and now it was getting its revenge for being so successful and finding its way in so easily? Was that it?

I thought of the few moments I passed with Jared, and the most beautiful of all came to me: him singing to me, looking in my eyes... «100 suns until we part »… You lied, Jared. You lied to me, and we've just met I thought; well, maybe he could hear me and know how much he had hurt me already.

The day passed by, and I stayed all day in bed. I didn't eat, I didn’t use the bathroom, I didn’t reply any messages, I didn’t use my laptop; nothing. I just stayed there, crying and singing my heart out through painful lyrics to sad songs, with nothing to say than heartbreak stories.

It was dinner time and someone knocked on my door; I didn’t even bother about cleaning my tears. I didn't care for nothing. I opened the door and, surprise, surprise! It was Jared.

“Are you okay, Dannie?” He asked, worried; how could he be worried when he had put me like this? He had a box from a restaurant on his left hand; his right hand was on his pocket.

“Jared, what are doing here?” I asked, confused. “You shouldn't be here. You should've walked away, this morning. Why did you disappear?”

“I needed to set some things up with the band. And I came to our dinner. What's that talking about walking away?” He asked, confusion sparkling in his beautiful features; oh, he hadn’t left me. So, I was still the one that could do it; I took my chance while I still had it.

“Don't you see? This us will never work. You're much older than me, and the press... I'm sorry, Jared. You gotta leave” I told him; after that, I fainted, slightly.

“Have you eaten today?” He asked, looking really worried; he was just trying to find a way to ignore my request and stay here. I couldn’t let him, though.

“No, but I can arrange myself. Go away, Jared... Please. It's the best for both of us.” I told him, determined even though my voice was weak.

“Stay with this” he said, and gave me the food box. “And this” he continued; he then pulled my arm, and put a bracelet on my wrist. I read the inscription. I believe in nothing, 100 suns until we part, it said. I cried a bit. Why was he making this so hard?

“Never get this off; I want you to remember all of this. I really like you. I know it seems crazy, but I've seen a lot of you when you sang yesterday. You gave me your soul; and that's why I'll keep this, too.” He showed me his wrist, and it had a bracelet that said I believe in nothing, but the beating of our hearts. I cried a bit more, unable to stop myself; didn’t he know that this was already killing me?

“Goodbye, Jared. I will never forget you.” I told him, just wanting him to leave and stop being so sweet, so I could go on with my life; I know this sounds rude, but I just wanted my chance to be happy, and that couldn’t happen if I was stuck in an impossible relationship.

“So won't I. Bye, Dannie. I love you.” He told me, looking straight in my eyes.

“Don't say that!” I screamed, angrily; why was he making everything he could to hurt me even more? My heart was already broken, thank you!

“If you could let me in, I could tell you something...” he said, desperate; no, no, no! I couldn’t take it any longer, or I’d give in and let him in, let him steal my heart away.

“NO!” I said, and closed the door.

I went to the kitchen, with the box, and sat on the table. I grabbed a dish, and some cutlery, and ate. I cried, and I ate. I looked at my wrist. I want you to remember all this... How could I even forget? Was he crazy enough thinking I would even forget him? That could never happen. I couldn't even breathe, thinking of that.

It was raining, now; the night must’ve absorbed my mood, and was crying with me silent tears. Someone knocked on my door again; I was praying it wasn't Jared.

“Dannie? What happened?” Bianca asked; she was one of my best friends. I hugged her, not able to take this anymore. Then, we went to the kitchen and I told her what happened. I told her everything; the concert, the way we got here, what happened and my conclusion on that morning, after I had finished my exam. Then I told her about the conversation with Jared, and about the bracelet he gave me.

“Sweety, you are tired, go get some sleep. I'll be here, if you need. You can tell me what happened tomorrow” she told me. I didn't argue; I already knew she wouldn't believe me.

Following her advice, though, I went to sleep, and tried to forget that day.