Something I Could Hold Onto

Gerard tried his best not to rip his hands away from Frankie's wrists once he realized that something was not right with the latter. He frowned unconsciously, gently retracting his grip while whispering words of solace.

"I'm so sorry, Frankie, I'm so sorry! It was too soon, I know, and I should have waited, he began spluttering, attempting desperately to cover his mistake with apologetic words.

Frank furrowed his brow, laying his fingers gently upon his companion's forearm. "Gee--"

"You don't have to say it," he continued, ignoring what had to be chastisement or cruel rejection. "I know, it was a stupid idea. Obviously it's not okay yet, even I should have known that!"

"Gerard," he said again, only to be cut off by the elder boy's incoherent ranting once more.

"It wasn't okay, I get it!"

"It was more than okay!" Frank finally exclaimed, laughing slightly as the final words escaped his lips. "It was all I've wanted since I've met you."

Time stopped for a moment. What was that?

When the clocks began ticking, and the second hand began to move, Gerard blushed, stumbling to find a response. "Oh," he whispered, blushing with a hint of a smile.

"Yeah," the younger man laughed. "'Oh'."

They kissed again, albeit with less passion than had previously been facilitated, before pulling away with shy gins.

"So," Gerard began again, wiping a stray lock of raven hair from his quasi-lover's delicate face. "If it's not me, then what's wrong?"

Feeling a sudden wave of discomfort whitewash his frail body, Frank shied delicately away from the elder boy's gentle grip. He licked his lips slowly, then swallowed a dry gulp to stall the syllable he would soon be forced to expel. It felt like an eternity before he had properly prepared himself, but in reality it was only a few seconds before he looked into Gerard's eyes and whispered, "Rick."

By speaking that one word, those four asphyxiating letters with a memory like a fresh burn, the self-control Frank had been desperately clinging to crumbled in a way that rivaled any bridge or edifice. His throat seized; his hands shook. The chilled winter air was suddenly enough to turn the air in his lungs to frost and the blood in his veins to acid all at once.

The only reactions he could manage were a series of quiet sobs, each one louder than the last. In moments, tears were falling from his jaw like pearls from a broken strand.

Gerard, determined to be seen as a gentle lover rather than an aggressive monster, instantly reached out to envelop the shaking boy in his arms. He did whatever he could think to do, mostly ideas spawned from romance movies and novels. Slowly, he wrapped his thin arms around the shivering boy's shoulders, creating a sort of cocoon of limbs to make him feel safe; Gerard then began to slide his hands up and down Frank's back in a circular motion, humming a quiet tune to quiet his sobs. He racked his mind for things to say, but all that he could summon was a hesitant shush or "it's okay."

Slowly, the pained cries began to soften and Frank began to still.

"I wish I knew what to say," Gerard whispered after nearly ten minutes of just holding him. "I wish I could just… kiss it and make it better or something." He laughed, then, hoping he had broken the tense shield put in place by the younger boy.

Frank giggled a little, tilting his face upwards to meet the elder boy's gaze. "Well," he began nervously, wiping his reddened eyes on his arm, "maybe you can."

They leaned in slowly, then, as if to preserve the moment of calmness they had been blessed with. Although neither of the boys dared to speak the truth, the same intensifying idea had rooted itself in both of their hearts: this night, this hour, this second would not be common in the immediate future. It was as clear as day, however ironic the analogy may be, that times such as this would soon make themselves as scarce as decency.

But the fact that they were no longer alone in this world, the notion that there was finally someone willing to care and willing to stand together, was comfort enough for them both to relax in the early morning air.

"Try and get some rest," Gerard mumbled, weariness pulling at the syllables to form one word. "We can talk more in the morning when you're feeling better."

Frank smiled sweetly, allowing his eyelids to slip shut against the overwhelming darkness. "G'night, Gee," he cooed, wrapping his arm around the elder boy's thin waist. "And thanks… for everything."

Gerard couldn't help but blush at the touch, so delicate and simple and loving. "Sleep well, baby," he sighed, kissing the top of the sleeping boy's head.

He inhaled deeply, filling his lungs past capacity and then trading the oxygen for excitement. He felt his eyes close gently, smiling despite his exhaustion. "I love you."