Crazy

I’m at a party right now. It’s my first party ever…unless you count parties that little twelve year old kids have for their birthdays.
It’s Evan’s friend’s party.
I am amazed by it all. By the sweet, strange, smell of the pot smoke. By the loud reggae music, that in the past, I would never listen to. By the hundreds of people dancing in this one little house. I am amazed by it all.
I don’t sit around the whole party, watching everyone. I used to be a wallflower, but I’m not that kind of person anymore. At least, I don’t think I am. I don’t want to be. Instead of sitting around, I decide to finally do the thing I came here for: weed.

After I came here, I start seeing all these different colors – the prettiest colors I’ve ever seen in my life. I feel like I’m at one with the music. I feel like I’m at one with the world. I’m no long that shy girl I used to be…I talk to everyone at this party. I feel so sociable!
This can’t be just any regular pot. It can’t be. No, not with the way I’m feeling. Aren’t drugs supposed to feel worse every time you try it? That’s what I learned in school. Then again, maybe they’re just lying like always. Trying to make you miserable. But yeah, I feel even better than the other times I tried it. I feel way better, amazingly better.

Before I know it, I’m going to bed with Evan. I can’t believe it. I really think he’s cute. Cuter than I ever imagined him to be before this very amazing day.

The next day, I feel horrible. I’m still at Evan and Melinda’s house. My parents are probably wondering where the hell I am, but I don’t give a fuck. I don’t care at all. They should support me. I’m happy to be here. Isn’t that all that matters to them? My happiness?
His sister’s crying, crying tears of sadness. I feel horrible about that too. I think she’s mad. I think she’s mad at me. I shouldn’t have hung out with her brother, I know. It makes me a shitty person and all that. I just can’t bother thinking about it. I don’t want to feel like this.
What I really need is more drugs…
“Hey,” I say to him. “What was in that weed last night?”
“Oh, LSD,” he replies, shrugging, like it’s nothing. Like it’s no big deal at all.
I feel like I’m going to freak out. I don’t though. I hold all the fear that’s inside me, in.
It was actually quite fun though. It was good. It definitely wasn’t like what they tell you in school.

We’ve been doing it a lot lately. We’ve been doing a lot of drugs, I mean. It feels so good, even though I know it’s so bad.
I think I may even be in a relationship with him. It’s weird. I never would have thought that before.

I go home, after days, of staying at his house.
“Where the hell have you been?” my mother asks me, angrily. “Your father and I have been looking all over for you?”
My dad nods, while Lisa just stands there, giving me an evil glare.
“I’ve been at school,” I say in response.
I haven’t gone to school either. I didn’t even bother to call in sick though. I know they can tell.
“Yeah right,” my father says, even.
“Okay?” I say. “So, I partied a little bit? What’s the big deal? Like, you haven’t partied when you were in high school.”
It feels as if the words that I’m saying are really coming from someone else’s mouth, not mine. I feel as if everything that’s been happening lately is someone else’s doing, not mine. It’s like I’m watching a movie or something, instead of actually living this life.
I especially feel this way because I had sex. I actually lost my virginity…but some how, I don’t even care. I thought I was going to save myself for marriage, or at least I thought I was going to wait until I met someone I really loved. But who’s to say I don’t love Evan?
“Well, you have to go to school today,” he says. “You used to be such a good girl…you still are. I’m not going to let the one mistake you made change my whole opinion of you.”
I roll my eyes. But the more I think about it, the more I realize he’s right except for one thing: I have changed. Drugs have totally changed me, and I haven’t even been doing them for very long either. Maybe it’s not too late though. Maybe it’s not too late for me to go back to the person whom I used to be.

I go to school, just like I’m supposed to. I show up to every single one of my classes, but then when I’m at lunch, a thought occurs to me: where do I sit?
I walk around the cafeteria looking for a place to sit. Just anywhere, really.
Well, I don’t want to sit next to Melinda or those goodie goods. Melinda’s mad at me…plus, she’s the most interesting one in that group. That just shows you how boring they really are.
I don’t sit at lunch with my other so called friends either, to be honest. They’re emo freaks.
I need to sit with someone cool.
I look around, and see William Robert Peterson or as everyone else likes to call him, Billy Bong. No, not Billy Bob. Billy Bong.
He’s chatting with his friends at his usual table in the back of the cafeteria. He’s wearing his Boston Red Sox baseball hat side ways covering his buzz cut , has his baggy jeans hung really low, and has his nike sneakers untied.
Before I notice it, I’m walking closer and closer and closer to his table of guys that look they could be gangsta rappers, and girls that look like they could be background dancers in the gangsta rappers’ videos.
“HEY!” one of them calls out. “What is that little bitch doing, walking to our table?”
I think his name’s Zach. He’s the little bitch, not me.
Billy gives me a look. He eyes me up and down, in disgust.
“What do you want?” Billy Bong asks me, in a mean tone of voice.
I cough, then I finally get the confidence to say what I want to say.
“I want to sit here.”
“You’re an emo freak,” Zach answers for Billy.
“No. No. No,” Billy tells me, cutting Zach off. “She can sit here all she wants.”
Then he smiles at me. Maybe that look wasn’t a look of disgust, after all.

Before, I know it, I become friends with those guys, and with those girls. Even, Zach starts to like me after a while.
I start hanging out with them, and doing drugs with them all the time. It makes me feel good. It makes me feel high. All we really do to be honest is drink, smoke pot, and once in every little while, do acid. No biggie.