Crazy

I run out of the school and towards the store. The drug store. The pharmacy. It’s whatever you want to call it.
I run towards it, and when I get there, I run real quickly inside, out of breath.
“Do…you…” I keep saying, taking breaths in between. “where…I…can…get…a…preg…nan…cy…test…?”
“I have one for you, right, here” the old lady working there says, taking it out.
“Aren’t you a little young to be pregnant?” she asks me before I shake my head. “Shouldn’t you be in school young lady?”
“No..” I say, shaking my head again. “I’m twenty-two.”
That was a huge lie, but I don’t even care. I grab the pregnancy test, pay for it, and run away as fast as I can.
“Little slut,” she mutters under her breath as I run away.

Later, after I peed in the cup, and everything, I see a little plus sign on it, and tears start forming in my eyes. I can’t live like this…there’s no way I can. I’m never going to let myself get pregnant. Oh, it’s too late…I already have…

I sit in my room crying for hours. I don’t know what the hell I’m going to do…

I think about it for the longest time, and finally decide to go and have an abortion. I actually would be against it, normally, but since I’ve actually lived through the horrible experience of unintentionally getting pregnant…of getting pregnant through … rape, I think I’m now pro-choice. I mean, there’s no way I’m going to let myself have a baby. My parents would kill me. They’d kill me if I’d get an abortion too…the only difference is, if I have the baby, they’d have to know. If I actually get rid of it, then, they wouldn’t, would they?
I don’t know much about the laws here, so I look it up on the computer in my free time, hoping that my parents wouldn’t find it in the internet explorer history.

When my parents get home from work, they’re wicked angry. I’m afraid of them. That’s how angry they are acting. They’re yelling at the top of their lungs. They’re even yelling at each other. Do you want to know why they’re angry? It’s because I was skipping school. Can you believe that? If only they knew I was pregnant…
I know what you’re thinking…I should probably tell them about Brad…but I can’t bring myself to tell them. I’m afraid they won’t believe me. Plus, I don’t want to even think about him again…
“What the hell is wrong with you?” my mom asks me, angrily.
“Honey,” my dad says. “You have to forgive Cara…she’s only a teenager…what teenager these days doesn’t skip school seriously?”
“True,” my mother replys.
And I take a deep breath and immediately feel relieved.

After the little thing with my parents, I realize something. I realize that my parents aren’t the only reason why I want to get an abortion, although they are part of the reason. The main reason is because I don’t feel like taking care of a child. I didn’t expect this. I’m really not ready to have kids yet. Also, it’s because of what the kids at school will say. Like, Susan and Ian. Like, Brad. It hurts so much to even think about him…
But I do get one. I go to the clinic, feeling a little ashamed of myself for going. Even though I WANT to do this, I also don’t. I know I’m going to regret it.
I sit there in the waiting room, looking at the girls with their big stomachs sticking out. I’m so glad I’m not as big as them yet.
I sit there in the waiting room, and flip through a magazine. It’s some stupid celebrity magazine. I don’t really care too much for celebrities…but I read it anyway, hoping to find something about Pete Wentz of Fall Out Boy. I’m too bored…not to mention nervous…not to read it.
After a while, the nurse calls out “CARA” and my heart is beating so fast. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t want to do this but I do. I feel so evil…

The nurse keeps asking me questions, mostly about the father. Like does the father know I’m pregnant, etc? I just pretend he’s a nice emo guy that doesn’t know yet. And that I’m too afraid to tell him, because he will want to keep the baby. I actually try to believe what I’m saying, but I know the reality of it all won’t ever go away.

I got it done. I can’t believe I went through with it. I stole my parents’ money to get it done. I can’t get over it. I feel like I’m going to explode from this guilt!

As I walk out of the clinic, I stare in disbelief as I see someone who I really, really, don’t want to see. It’s Brad. He’s with his girlfriend of the week, Marcy. I feel sick to my stomach. Like, I’m about to throw up. I feel like I’m going to throw up right on his face. I can’t stand this feeling. I can’t stand it at all…
But I don’t. I hold in this sickness in my stomach, until I get home.

“You skipped school again?” my mother asks me when she gets home from work. “Seriously…I’m seriously starting to get a little worried, here. The school’s very worried about you…they think you’re on drugs. I’m starting to think they’re right to be honest. I mean, you’ve been drinking lately”.
I cut her off.
“I haven’t been drinking,” I say. “You make it sound like I’ve been drinking a lot lately. I’ve only drunken once…once in my entire life. Don’t act like it’s the end of the world…”
“You’ve also been stealing our money,” my dad adds, and I stare at him in disbelief.
He knows. Not about the abortion, but about me stealing his money.
“That’s not it…”
“Yeah, right…”

I go upstairs. I can’t sit in the same room with my parents anymore. They’re too ignorant for my brain to handle.
I go upstairs, into my room, lie face down on my bed, and cry myself to sleep.