Absolutely Hate You

It's been a couple years since I married Mac. We married each other when high school ended. I would never forget how he stopped us from having sex just to ask me to marry him in an amazing hotel room with hydrangeas all around. We didn't have sex that night... But that night was something more important than just sex, we made a strong commitment.

At the wedding, Lexi was my maid of honor and Mac's cousin was the best man. They were really close to each other. My new stepfather, Bray led me down the aisle since my dad didn't come to the wedding. My brother, Matt said he was busy with something. I was happy that at least my brother came though. When we said our own vow and said our I do's, he kissed me passionately as he always has, with his heart and his soul, he gave them to me.

On our honeymoon we went to a mountain side where there was a lake that was so pristine, we stayed in a rented cottage. The cottage was so cute, it was small but honestly it felt so homey. That night of our wedding, our love went physical. We made actual love. We did it naturally, no pills, no condoms, and no nothing... Just the normal real way, not that we didn't try other things in it.

We started college in August, it was surprising to know that there were actually some people that were married too. Some of Mac's friends went to our college too with scholarships. Mac had a scholarship in track, so we had enough money to buy our own apartment a mile away from the university. It was nice... We were apparently in that honeymoon stage but I knew Mac to the core so I accepted his ways. I love waking up to Mac, he doesn't snore... Thank god. I'm pretty sure I didn't too, well that's what Mac has told me when he studies at night after practice while I'm wiped out. I loved when he tried to wake me up in the morning by rubbing my back softly and sometimes roughly as a massage. I don't even care if he doesn't do it, I will still have so much love for him than I will have for anyone. I loved him with all my heart... And my soul.

In our senior year at the university I found out I was pregnant. I remember being so happy but nervous at the same time. It was unexpected, and I honestly didn't know how Mac would react. I knew he would at least freak out and think of the cons. When he came home from practice I told him while we ate lunch. He was silent for a moment but then started to smile, he abruptly went off his chair, went over to me and hugged me like no tomorrow. "Finally!" he said happily. I laughed, we both knew that we wanted kids one day because Mac being the only boy in his family was lonely and I didn't have my brother who lived with my dad, now with mom. Mac always attended the doctor office with me through out my pregnancy. He always bought me the food I wanted and forced me to take the nutritious ones too. He lived with my bitching and moaning about pregnancy. And in the mornings one hand would rub soft circles in my arm, since I can't sleep faced down anymore, and another rubbing my tummy. I knew for a fact that Mac may be an amazing father, he was already an amazing man. At the graduation party, my water broke and then my little boy was born. Mac was so happy, I will never in a million years forget those eyes that laid upon our baby that day. And the way he kissed me that day, Mac kissed me so passionately and lovingly even though I looked like a mess. We wanted our baby to be a surprise so we never asked for the gender, we picked a Unisex name, Bayley Tailor Kohner. Our small blue eyed boy, with small hands and small feet.

When Bayley was two years old, he loved making Mac and I get as tired as possible. But I love him anyways, he still had that baby smell on him. Mac and I realized from a book that baby aren't allowed to sleep with their parents. But Mac and I were debated so we restrained from suffocating our bundle of joy and tears for two years. So, whenever Mac comes home in the evening he would steal Bayley and hold the little boy in his arms on a chair for a nap. I always snapped pictures of it and placed it as my wallpaper.

When Mac got a job and we moved to a house. We decided that we wanted to have another baby. A baby brother or sister for little cute Bayley. When I was pregnant we were both estatic, it was when Bayley was 5 and Mac and I were both 27. We were still in that honeymoon phase apparently. In 5 months, tragedy happened. Our baby had a problem with the forming... And when she is born, she's going to die. I cried that whole night hugging my stomach. My bump, my baby girl. Mac left me some space but towards the night he grabbed Bayley and they both hugged me all night. Mac cried too and Bayley cried seeing us cry. The doctor asked if I wanted an abortion since the baby was going to die anyways. Mac and I thought about it deeply. I cried more and Mac was silent.
He then shook his head, "It's not fair... We should at least see her." He said. I smiled. I didn't care if giving birth was a bitch... I wanted to hold her.. We both did even of it was for a minute. On December 18, at 4:00 am, Breanna Jolie Kohner was born into the world. We both smiled at our little warrior, our beautiful warrior. Her name said it all, Breanna means strong and Jolie means beautiful. Mac and I held her in our arms we tried not crying but tears spilled out of our eyes, I kissed her lightly restraining from smashing my lips against her. At 5:15 am, on December 18 Breanna Jolie Kohner left the world. She is survived by her parents Mackenzie and Dianna Kohner and her brother, Bayley Kohner. She was loved dearly when she died, a way any beautiful girl should've died, being loved. I cried in the hospital bed so hard, I didn't care that I was hurt, my emotional pain was 100 times worst. Mac kept trying to put me back to the bed because I wanted to go with her. When they carried her away I wanted to chase after her.. But Mac restrained me. We buried her, I looked as my baby went down under the ground. I cried for that whole month. I didn't enjoy Christmas at all, I felt so alone even when the mornings came and Bayley would run to our room and kiss me or when Mac rubbed my back in the morning. I still felt so alone. Mom tried comforting me but still. I lost the one of the most important things in my life, not a cell phone, money, or jewelry... I lost my baby. I would give all the jewels, cellphones, and money just to get her back in my arms. Mac said we could try again... But I couldn't. I don't know what would happen if the same thing would happen again... I was scared. Lexi came back with Daniel from Australia where they went to study. Lexi was Bayley's godmother, and Daniel was his godfather. I missed them so much, they knew what happened and tried to comfort me but it wasn't the same. They wouldn't understand. Images of Breanna keep going to mind and it killed me, my beautiful warrior. After a few more weeks have past Mac finally spoke and confronted me about everything.
We talked it out, "I miss her too." He said softly.
I went to him and sat on his lap, he hugged me and dug his head into my chest and I rounded my arms around him.
"And I love you. You both are killing me... Please ease my pain." He said in a croak like voice. I smiled, a tear dropped from my eye. I loved him so much.

We decided that Bayley would just be fine in our lives. He was very loved by us. He knows he has a sister named Breanna, he always asked about her and we kept saying that she was with god. She was in his arms smiling down on us. Bayley didn't understand but he accepted the fact. When Kain came back from Canada with his daughter who was now 13, Danielle. Kain has met a new girl and they started dating. Danielle was fine with her father's new love. Kain was all of what Danielle had as a family, Julie disappeared after giving birth to Danielle in the summer. We heard she lives in London now but we didn't care. Kain brought back from Canada hockey, and young Bayley started taking interest in the sport Uncle Kain talked about constantly. Mac and I decided to let Bayley play hockey... Even though Mac wanted him to run in track. But Bayley would be Bayley, so hockey started.

Now being at the age of 36, Bayley is already 15 years old. He's a hockey player, he's on a team but it wasn't for his school. He's very handsome, my little baby took my blonde hair and everything else from his father. He's very sweet, to me he is, I don't know about others. Mac and I are very happy we had Bayley, and Breanna. Every month we would go visit our little girl. It was basically church. Even now, for 19 years of marriage... Mac still rubs my back in the mornings. We still kissed with that strong passion. We still run around. We still give so much love to each other. This proved to me that maybe... Or definitely that we could go so far. Good thing I hated him in the beginning, because now I learned to love him with my all.