Snakebite Hearts & Bubblegum Smiles

I knew Jack had been acting moody ever since Jane came back from the beach, but I wasn’t sure why until we got to Chase’s house. He’d opened the door and immediately pulled Jane in for a hug. It would have seemed friendly enough if he hadn’t been so damn gorgeous. With his sharp jawline, model cheekbones, and broad shoulders, nothing he did looked innocent.

“Welcome,” he said after Jane had peeled herself off him, glancing at Jack, who had his eyes right on Chase. “Alcohol’s in the kitchen. Help yourselves.”

And help ourselves we did.

Somehow I’d ended up on a couch with two girls, Brittany and Logan, who were both hammered out of their minds. It had been awhile since I’d seen any of my friends, so I excused myself to go look for them. After pushing through the mob of people, I managed to make it back to the kitchen, where I found Alex, alone. I stopped dead in the entrance and quickly debated whether or not I should turn back and look for someone else. I was sure I’d heard Jane’s laugh somewhere…

“Hey.” Alex turned around. “Where have you been?”

“Oh you know, mingling.” I tried to sound breezy as I stepped into the room, pouring myself a drink I didn’t need just so I didn’t have to look him in the eyes. “Why are you all by yourself?” I asked.

He sighed. “Just…getting some air.” He sounded the way I felt around him these days, pretty lousy. Finally, I turned to him, catching the miserable expression on his face. He was smiling, but it looked staged. It was rare that I ever had to ask if Alex was okay because he was usually the rock. All my anxieties about whatever feelings I had for him suddenly seemed so unimportant.

“Alex, what’s up?”

“What?” he tried to laugh it off, but I stared at him straight on. “Nothing. It’s nothing.” He put his drink down on the counter, staring at a spot on the marble finish. “Lisa just told me she’s doing it. She’s definitely going to California next year.”

As a friend, my heart broke for him. We’d always known Lisa wanted to explore, even if her travels only took her outside the boundaries of Baltimore. I guess he just never thought she would actually leave him behind. “Alex…” I said, not knowing what else to say.

“I’m not even going to college, Brooke. She’s going to go out there and meet different people and learn a bunch of stuff that I’ll probably never understand, and then what do I have to offer?” His eyes were turning red and his voice was tight. I didn’t think, in all the years I’d known him, I had ever seen him cry. Abandoning my cup on the table, I grabbed his hand and took him out into the hall.

“Okay, come on,” I said, leading him to the stairs. It was much quieter on the upper level, though I could still hear the low rumble of dance music from below. I found an empty room and pulled him inside, closing the door behind us and sitting him down on the bed that was in there. He hunched over, elbows to knees, staring at the floor. “Alex.” I sat next to him, putting a hand on his shoulder. “I can’t see into the future and I can’t tell you that Lisa’s not going to meet new people or experience new things, but one thing I know for damn sure is that you are absolutely out of your mind crazy if you think you won’t have anything to offer her when she comes back.

“You are my best friend and you have the biggest heart out of everyone I know. You’re not a loser for not going to college, you’re going to do this band thing and blow up so big, girls will be lining up for you to sign their boobs!”

“Personally, I’m more of an ass man,” he said after a moment, a small grin on his face.

“Well I can’t make all your dreams come true, sorry.” I shoved him gently and we both laughed. I could feel myself blush at the way he was looking at me, not saying a thing. A minute passed, then another, and we were still sitting close, just staring at each other. I wanted to kiss him. It seemed like every warning signal in my brain that usually flared up for moments like this was disabled and before I was even fully aware of what I was doing, my lips were on Alex’s and he didn’t pull away.


I heard somewhere once that after a traumatic experience, people tend to go into shock; there’s no panic or fear, only an overwhelming numbness that takes away the physical or emotional pain until they come back to their natural senses. That’s how I felt as I picked my clothes up off the floor of what I now assumed was Chase’s bedroom. There were several posters of girls in bikinis holding surfboards tacked up to the walls and a group picture of him and some people I didn’t recognize posing in front of the ocean at sunset sitting on the nightstand. I thought of our group, all together on the beach again, and suddenly felt sick. Alex was still wrapped up in the sheets, his lower half concealed, but his bare chest completely visible even in the dark. I turned my back to him and starting getting dressed; it wasn’t until I was buttoning up my jeans that I noticed Alex sitting up in reflection of the mirror that was hanging from the closet door.

“Where you going?” he asked, sounding pretty out of it, which didn’t make me feel any better about the situation.

“It’s late,” I said, still not facing him. “I—we should probably head back.”

“Wait.” I froze, halfway to the door, and finally looked over my shoulder. I wasn’t sure how to feel. Of all the times I’d imagined Alex and me together, him wanting to be with me as much as I wanted to be with him…well I didn’t feel as shitty as I did now. “Come here.” Reluctantly, I walked back over and sat down in front of him. He took my hand and pulled me closer, kissing my lips, and smoothing my hair back with his free hand. I wanted us to stay like this, but I knew eventually we’d have to go back down to the party and pretend that none of this had ever happened. I’d have to swallow my feeling again and he would just go find Lisa, ending his night with her instead…

I was the one to pull away first. “We really should go…”

“Okay.”

“I’ll leave first,” I said, making it to the door this time. We agreed that he would wait a few minutes before following me downstairs. No one would be able to suspect a thing. I felt like a hot mess, both inside and out, as I went out into the hall. I hadn’t even noticed someone coming up the stairs until I nearly rammed straight into them on my way down.

“Sorry—wait, Brooke?” Lisa gawked at me, clearly not having expected to find me here. I was pretty sure my expression was the same as hers as I stared back, horrified. “What are you doing up here?”

“I, um, just had to lie down…wasn’t feeling good.” It was a pathetic excuse and I could tell she saw right through it.

“Oh really?” she said, raising a skeptic brow at me. “Are you sure it’s not because you just hooked up with someone?” I couldn’t help it; she’d caught me so off guard, my throat tightened and my eyes went wide, giving me away. “Oh my god!” she gasped, throwing a hand over her mouth as she started to laugh. “Seriously?” I cleared my throat—it was all I was capable of at the moment—and she took that as confirmation. “Brooke.”

“I know!” I forced a laugh, trying to act casual about the whole thing. Then I tried to change the subject by asking, “Have you seen Jane?”

Thankfully Lisa went along with it and replied, “She’s downstairs somewhere. I was actually looking for Alex...” Her smile wilted just a fraction and I knew that she was hoping to finish their conversation from before. “You haven’t seen him have you?” The feeling of being suffocated returned and I couldn’t speak, fearing that my voice would break, so I just shook my head instead. She frowned. “Oh, okay. I guess I’ll just see him at the house later then.”

“Yeah…” It was a good thing there were no lights on in the hall because I could feel the tears filling my eyes as I thought of Alex, just in the other room, probably getting dressed now.

“Well, are you coming down?” Lisa asked as she started to turn around.

“I’ll meet you there in a minute,” I told her. “I just want to fix myself up first.”

The smile returned to her face and she pulled off the hair tie on her wrist, holding it up to me. “Here,” she said, “this might help.” Again I put on a smile and took it in my hand, whispering a “thanks” before setting off to the bathroom, locking the door, and sinking down to the tile floor to start bawling into my knees.