There's Something About Her Words

I never forgive myself for what I did many months ago. I let the woman I love slipped through my fingers twice, and I couldn’t bring her back for the second time. I should have caught her when she fell for the second time – hell, I shouldn’t even let her fall.

Olivia was still in her peaceful slumber when I opened my eyes. Her hand was on my chest and only a sheet of blanket was covering our bare bodies. The blanket wasn’t covering her leg, exposing her perfectly toned skin. I brought my hand and stroked her soft, long dark hair and kissed her forehead. Her eyes fluttered open, revealing blue pools in her eyes behind the pretty eyelashes. She smiled and ran her fingers through my inked arm, sending me goosebumps. I leaned in and kissed her on the lips.

I never slept in our bedroom since she was gone. Every time I walked in, her beautiful figure was all I could see, her touch was all I could feel, her scent was all I could smell, and her voice was all I could hear. All of it just brought pain in my chest.

I brought the bottle of beer to my lips and took a swig as I looked around the messy, empty room.

Olivia was shouting, stabbing me with her accusations. Tears ran from her gorgeous face and I tried to wipe them with my thumbs but she wouldn’t let me. She roughly pushed my hands away and pushed me out of our apartment before slamming and locking the door.

“Olivia,” I pleaded, pounding on the door. “Please, open the door.”

“Go away!” she shouted through her cry.

“No. Please tell me what’s wrong – why are you accusing me with all this stuff?” I shouted through the wooden material between us.

“You’re keeping a mistress behind me!”

I froze. “What?”

“There was a lipstick mark on your shirt you wore last night – we both know I hate wearing pink lipstick.”

“Liv—“ I sighed. “I’m not keeping a mistress!”

“What the hell happened to honesty, you cheating bastard?”

“I swear, I’m not! It was just a one-time thing at James’ party last night. I drank a little bit too much. I swear, please believe me.”

I heard her scoff.

“Come on, Olivia. Please.”

“No. You stay out and don’t come back.”

“Olivia!” I called, pounding on the door on and on but there was no answer. I left my copy of apartment key inside so I couldn’t get in. I sighed, finally surrendered.

A few hours later, I came back. I knocked on our apartment door and when my fist came in contact with the door, it cracked open. I pushed the door a bit wider. “Liv?” Suspicious, I carefully walked inside and hoped nothing happened, but I was wrong.

Olivia was lying on the living room floor. I rushed to her and checked if she was still breathing, and fortunately she was. My eyes searched for the reason why she passed out and I found a half-empty bottle of white pills. I broke her heart.

She opened her eyes and looked around. Her eyes stopped when she saw me sitting next to her. She still looked absolutely beautiful even in a hotel gown and with pale lips.

She stared at me. “You overdosed and passed out,” I said. “Why did you do it?” She didn’t say anything and just kept piercing through me with her cold, blue eyes as if she was waiting for me to say something that I should’ve told earlier, but didn’t.

I took her hand in mine. “I’m sorry for cheating on you last night,” I said, looking at her eyes. She still just stared at me, wanting a further explanation. “I told you I drank a bit too much, and you know James has hot cousins and they were there.” She glared, but I knew she had the same opinion. “I happened to stumble into one of them and one thing led to another. I’m really sorry, Olivia. It’s not going to happen again.”

She opened her mouth and finally said a sentence. “I love you,” her voice cracked.

“I love you too,” I brought her hand against my lips. “Why the pills? It broke my heart just as much as I broke yours.”

She looked away. I knew that look; she didn’t want to explain and I knew better than to push her.

“Hey.” She looked back at me. “If I break your heart again, please let me help fixing it. Don’t let the pills do it.”

She didn’t respond for a moment. “Sometimes they do better than you.”

I opened the bathroom mirror and found a bottle of pills she took. I grabbed and stared it, thinking if maybe I should take some. I broke her heart again and maybe I wouldn’t be so depressed if I took some.

Sighing, I poured some of the content onto my palm and dry swallowed it. I walked back into the living room, sat on the couch and turned on the TV. Back in those days she would be in my arms and we would watch black and white old movies together, but now it was just me.

It was just Adam. No more Adam and Olivia.

On the balcony, the evening breeze softly brushed her brown hair and with my arms around her waist from behind, I watched her beautiful face watching the sky turning orange. Her hands were on top of mine and her even more beautiful smile wouldn’t leave her face. She turned to me and I fell in love all over again when I saw her eyes.

I gave a peck on her lips before putting my head on top of hers. Our hips were slowly swaying to the music from inside our apartment and I sang along quietly.

“Well, it’s a big, big city and it’s always the same
Can never be too pretty, tell me your name
Is it out of line if I were simply bold to say ‘would you be mine’?
Because I may be a beggar and you may be the queen
I know I maybe on a downer am still ready to dream
Now it’s three o’clock, time it takes for you talk”

She closed her eyes, smiling as I was singing.

“So if you're lonely why'd you say you’re not lonely?
Oh, you’re a silly girl, I know I hurt it so
It's just like you to come
And go you know me, no, you don't even know me
You’re so sweet to try, oh my, you caught my eye
A girl like you is just irresistible”

I stopped singing as the rest of the song went on. She hummed along until it was finished.

“Sing again,” she muttered as there was a silent pause in between the songs in my laptop. The next song played on shuffle and I sang again.

“Forever can be never be long enough for me
To feel like I’ve had long enough with you
Forget the world now, we won’t let them see
But there’s one thing left to do
Now that the weight has lifted,
Love has surely shifted my way”

As the chorus came on, I nuzzled my nose into her temple and sang to her. “Marry me, today and every day. Marry me, If I ever get the nerve to say...” I trailed off with my lips lingering against her ear. “Marry me, Olivia Sparks,” I whispered.

We stopped swaying and she turned to stare at me as the song continued to play. “Say you will, say you will...” it softly sang in the background.

She cracked a smile and looked down to her bare feet in an adorable way. I brushed her hair out of her face. She looked back at me and without uttering a word, I knew what she was going to say.

I leaned against the doorway to the balcony, staring blankly at the sight of the orange sky. I took another swig of my beer. For some reason, that evening was warm even with breeze hitting us now and then. Now, it was just cold. I went back inside and slid the glass door shut.

I didn’t know what I was doing this whole day. I usually would go out with my friends and make myself busy to at least forget about what happened even just for a little while, but I didn’t feel like going out this time and it just put me in a deep misery.

It had been days since I left home early and got home so late, which left me to never having a chance to really communicate with Olivia, even on weekends. Sometimes I would call her and have a chat but my schedule kept me busy so I couldn’t speak for so long. It happened for a few months and I never thought it would hurt her.

One night, I got home at around two. I found Olivia sitting on the piano chair, inhaling a cigarette.

“Hey baby,” I said, kissing the top of her head. “Why aren’t you in bed yet?” My eyes averted to the top of the piano to find an ashtray full of cigarettes and a pack of Marlboro that was almost empty. “God, Olivia, how much did you smoke?”

She didn’t answer my question and played the piano. I never heard the song but for some reason the notes and the way she played it pierced through my heart. Once she was done, she didn’t look up to see me and took a long drag of her cigarette.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“Adam, why did we move in together?” she finally spoke.

I was confused, but I answered anyway. “We wanted to spend more time together.” I paused myself. Shit.

She chuckled in sarcasm and shook her head. She stood up and placed the unfinished cigarette on the ashtray. “Seems like you found out what was wrong.” Her eyes looked at mine but this time I didn’t fall in love all over again. Instead, they weakened me in a bad way. They scared me.

Without saying another word, she walked past me and into our bedroom. I sighed and messed my hair.

The next morning, I woke up to an empty bed. I looked around to apartment in hopes to find her, but she wasn’t anywhere. I knew she didn’t leave me; her things were still here but that still scared me. I didn’t want to lose her, ever.

She was back a few hours later and was surprised to see me home, but instead of replying to my ‘hi’ she walked past me and into the kitchen with two bags of groceries and me following her like a lost puppy.

“Need help?” I offered as she put them down on the table. No answer. “Did you eat breakfast out? Because I didn’t see the dishes in the sink.” Still no answer. I sighed. “Look, Olivia, about what’s going on—“

She turned around and finally looked at me. “Oh, it’s okay,” she cut me off. “I’m fine with it, really.” And then she continued placing the groceries.

But I knew better than to drop this topic. She wasn’t fine with it; her unusual calmness proved that there was a heavy storm inside her.

“Yesterday you smoked until the apartment smelled like cigarettes and you still say you’re fine?”

She stopped whatever she was doing with her back still against me.

“Olivia.”

She turned around and this time I could clearly see that she was disappointed in me. It broke my heart to see that expression from her and to know the fact that I broke her heart... again.

“Look, I know I haven’t been the best boyfriend—“

“Fiancé,” she corrected as she lit up a cigarette. “You proposed and I said yes, remember?” She went to the table to grab some more things from the bag.

“Yes, fiancé. I’m sorry for being the worst fiancé by not spending time with you—“ I got cut off by her blowing the smoke to my face. Fuck, she was dead pissed.

“Told you I’m fine,” she said again before placing two cans of tomato paste in the cupboard. “Even if I’m not, I don’t want to talk about it.”

“But I do,” I said. “Come on, Olivia, let’s talk about it.”

She turned around and walked to me. The way she did it was putting me over the edge. She was angry; she was not happy.

“Fine, let’s talk about it.” She stood in front of me, her arms crossed against her chest and her hip stuck out. The words I was going to say had sunk deep into my stomach and suddenly I was too scared to say anything. Scared that everything I was going to say might make this situation even worse. “If you don’t want to start, then I will.”

“Adam, you ignorant piece of fuck,” she started as she was taking steps forward. “I go to sleep every night in a cold room and wake up every morning to a cold bed. I watch the television in an empty apartment and read in the balcony alone. I cook breakfast and lunch for one, but cook dinner for two. Why? Because I keep hoping that maybe this time you would come home sooner and we could eat dinner together, but that never happened!”

By this time, I was against the refrigerator and her body was only a few centimeters against mine.

“I understand your job, I really do, but this is too much. I want to wake up in the arms of the person I love; I want to have meals with him, I want to talk to him, I want him to be there.”

I remained in silence as bricks of guilt kept hitting me.

“Sometimes I wonder if you even love me,” she muttered, our eyes locked together.

“I do!” I quickly answered.

“Then why do you hurt me so much?” Her eyes started to water. “Why do you break my heart again? Answer me. Answer me, Adam.”

Indeed she was right; this time I prioritized my job over her and it was a fatal mistake. I couldn’t answer and I just stared at her, hoping that she would understand that I loved her so much and I didn’t want to lose her.

She pressed her lips together and shook her head when she knew she was not getting an answer. “You know, sometimes I wish I didn’t love you anymore.”

Finding Olivia’s left pack of Marlboro on the kitchen table, I took out a stick and lit it up. My eyes gazed at the refrigerator and I saw the two of us. It would have been a fun sight if I was tugging on the waistband of her jeans and her hands were on my chest with smirks on our faces and no gap between us, but it was a different sight. It was the sight when she had finished building up her diamond-strength shell and left me pounding on it with a bare fist in hope that it would break, but it couldn’t. Not even a crack was shown.

In the living room, I saw the image of us cuddling as we were watching TV. In the bedroom, I saw the image of us in bed in the morning with my arms around her. In the balcony, I saw the image of us swaying to music. At the corner of the apartment where the piano was, I saw the image of her inside her shell. At the front door, I saw the image of her walking out with her bags and not looking back no matter how many times I called her name. Everywhere I saw, I saw her.

“Liv, don’t go. Liv, come back. Liv, please give me another chance. Liv, I love you. Liv, don’t go. Come back.” But the sound of her heels kept clicking away, making more and more distance between us until she finally was completely slipped away from my fingers.

The door clicked open and I didn’t even bother to look who it was.

“Shit man, what the fuck have you been doing?” Jesse asked, referring to the messy apartment. “...What have you been doing?” This time he was referring to me.

“I don’t know,” I answered, my voice hoarse. “All I know is that I’m a wreck.” I took another drag. “I’m a wreck,” I repeated. “I really love her, Jesse. She’s the one I want to spend the rest of my life with but everything just has to go down in a drain. I asked her not to leave – hell, I pleaded. I asked her for another chance, but she wouldn’t listen. She just walked away out of that door without a second glance as if she was walking out of a store.”

Jesse just stood there, watching a tear or two dropping on my jeans.

“I want her, Jesse. I want her back,” I sobbed. “It’s just not the same at all without her. It’s painful. I thought I could handle it, but I can’t.”

Jesse walked over me and gave me a light tap on the shoulder. “Then you know what to do.” I just stared at him as if he was stupid.

“She told me she wished she didn’t love me anymore.”

“She wished, right? That doesn’t mean she can.”

My senses hit me and within seconds I was racing through the door, running out of the building and into my car. I sped all the way to San Francisco where Olivia’s family was, and sure enough, I found her.

Mrs. Sparks smiled when she saw me. “Wait a second, let me get her. Do you want to come in or...?”

“No, I’m good.”

I was pacing back and forth in anxiety as Mrs. Sparks went to get Olivia. I knew I wasn’t in my best state – growing beard, same outfit for three days, messy hair, but this didn’t stop me to get back the woman I want to have a family with.

She showed up and my gut almost dropped into my stomach again after to finally see her after long, terrible months, but I didn’t want to stop. I didn’t want her to slip away again.

“Olivia, I’m terribly sorry for everything I did. This time, I will prove to you that they’re not going to happen again. I will embrace your heart and keep it safe; I will always look after you.” A glint of forgiveness was shown on her face.

I kneeled in front of her, took out the ring that she gave back to me and held it out. “I may not always be around but I’m not going to leave you alone anymore. I really love you, and I don’t want to lose you ever again. Marry me, Olivia.”