Her Best Friend

2 weeks passed, and it was officially three months since their death. Olivia was still struggling, with debts up to her eyeballs, and exhaustion from being unable to sleep a full night, or eat a full meal was beginning to get to her. It wasn’t till it was Thursday, one of Olivia’s days off, she was tidying the flat with Lula playing quietly and the buzzer went off.
“Who is it?” Olivia said into the intercom.
“It’s me.” The charming voice of Ryan replied.
“Ryan what you doing here?” she called confused.
“Let me up.” He replied, and without hesitation she did. Over the past two weeks, Olivia and Ryan had become friends, not especially close, but still they were better than strangers. Olivia continued to get flutters occasionally, and Ryan still stared at her without her notice for longer then he should. Ryan didn’t know that much about Olivia still, he knew she was a guardian, he just didn’t know who of, and he didn’t know why. He knew to never ask. Olivia had learnt that Ryan’s father was not accessible, his mother abandoned, so he lived with his brother and sister-in-law Jenny, who was 7 months pregnant. It was clear, Ryan idolized Tom.
When Ryan knocked on the door, Olivia let him in and cursed herself for looking so shabby.
“Cleaning day?” Ryan teased, and Olivia huffed. “Yes…” she mumbled, and went back into the kitchen. Ryan followed, and glanced at the little brown haired girl sitting in the middle of the living room, absorbed in the programme Blue’s Clues.
“Hi there…” he called, Lula glanced over her shoulder, unimpressed and returned back to the important screen.
“It’s best not to interrupt her Ryan, Blue and her have a special connection.” Olivia teased, as she finished loading the dishwasher. Ryan leaned in the doorway, watching as Olivia bent down to pick up something, her bum looking fairly nice in the grey cotton bottoms she was wearing. Taking his eyes away quickly, he watched as she busied herself.
“So what brings you here to my humble abode?” Olivia asked, not looking at him as she was continued to clean.
“Thought I’d stop by, see if you fancied a late lunch with me….Tallulah invited also.” Ryan offered. Olivia stopped cleaning.
“Lunch?” she asked.
“Yes, it’s a midday meal…” he joked, and Olivia smiled slightly.
“What’s with the sudden offer?” she asked, as she continued to wipe the sides.
“Can’t I be nice?” Ryan asked, pretending to be offended and Olivia giggled slightly, and threw the cloth in the sink.
“You going to wait for me to get changed?” she asked, and Ryan beamed at her.
“You have a TV, I’ll be fine…” he said, and Olivia nodded and with some sort of lovely feeling inside of her, rushed off to quickly shower and get dressed into something decent. Within forty minutes, she had managed, her hair all clean, in its natural waves, a bit of makeup on her face, and wearing some decent jeans, and a nice black top.
Ryan looked at her, and smiled. She looked gorgeous. “Ready at last?” and Olivia rolled her eyes, while getting Lula in her coat, and shoes, and getting the necessary items together. Finally, they left the flat and Ryan drove in his car, a dark blue new Ford Fiesta. When they arrived at the place, a Italian place, Olivia was in heaven. They entered the restaurant, their noses instantly filled with herbs and spices, making their taste buds tingle in anticipation. They were seated, Lula was given a special seat, and they all sat down together. They glanced over their menus and ordered quickly, Lula been given a children’s menu, which was just smaller portions.
For once, Olivia felt hungry and she couldn’t help but feel relaxed. Lula had been given some colouring sheets by the owners, who were very nice and friendly, this was keeping her entertained for a while, which meant Olivia and Ryan could converse quietly.
“So, how long have you lived in London?” Ryan asked, as he watched Olivia sip her ice water, afterwards, she was sliding her finger ever so slightly around the rim, entranced.
“Pretty much all my life, I grew up in the suburbs and moved nearer the city when I was eighteen, for college…” Olivia explained. Ryan nodded.
“You?” she added quickly.
“Lived on the outskirts all my life, and I never plan to change…” Ryan said, sipping his own drink.
It was silence for a minute when Ryan spoke again. “So, I don’t want to ask if it’s too much for you…but why are you Tallulah’s guardian?” Ryan asked, and almost hit himself for being so stupid. Olivia sighed, she knew this was coming.
“My best friend recently died in a car accident, and Tallulah was her daughter, and in her will. Custody of Lula was given to me, no one else, just me.” Olivia explained quietly, glancing at the small brown eyed girl. Ryan didn’t know what to say, he just looked at Olivia with a sort of sad expression on his face.
“I would say I’m sorry but I know it doesn’t help. You must be really suffering right now…” Ryan observed, an Olivia shrugged but he had no idea how right he was.
“I’m coping…” Olivia lied, and pursed her lips as she drank some more water, suddenly very parched.
“Aunty Liv woke up in the kitchen once, she was crying.” Lula’s voice suddenly said, Olivia’s eyes snapped towards her, Lula hadn’t even looked at them, in fact she was continuing to colour while talking. She had heard everything. She must have understood. Olivia immediately felt her cheeks warm up, as Ryan’s gaze turned to her, with soft eyes.
“She cries all the time…”
“Enough Lula.” Olivia warned, and sipped her drink, and it felt like she was swallowing a rock. There was a brief, awkward silence between them when miraculously dinner arrived. Olivia had ordered a simple ham pasta dish. They ate in peace, and thankfully Ryan didn’t question Lula’s revelations.
It wasn’t till after dinner, the spoke properly again, Ryan had decided they should go for a walk around the local park, and Lula was more then up for the idea. Olivia, grudgingly agreed.
When a swing was spotted, Lula was away, leaving Olivia and Ryan to talk freely.
“I feel like I need to say something….” Ryan admitted, Olivia scoffed quietly as she scuffed the end of her shoe. She glanced at Ryan.
“Say what? Sorry that your best friend died? I feel sorry for you? You have a kid, that isn’t even yours?” Olivia said harshly, and Ryan was taken by surprise. It was another awkward silence before they spoke again.
“I guess what I’m trying to say, ever since you told me…is I find you completely courageous.” Ryan confessed giving a soft, tender smile that made Olivia’s inside feel like goo. Olivia stopped walking, and stared at Ryan, in surprise.
“Courageous? Ryan, I’m falling apart, I don’t sleep, I don’t eat and I can’t go one second without thinking of what a crappy mother I’m going to be. I shouldn’t be doing this, I’m nineteen for god sake, and I’m expected to suddenly know the parental guide off by heart?” Olivia said, exasperated. Her fists clenched, and tears began to well. She was an utter emotional wreck.
Ryan’s hand slipped out his pockets. “Olivia-“ he said softly, touching her arm in such a gentle manner. Olivia glanced at his hand then back into his eyes, which seems darker now that the mood was serious.
“I don’t know you all that well, but I want to say we’re friends.” Ryan said, wishing he understood the feelings he got around her. Olivia nodded miserable, as she wiped a stray tear.
“So as a friend, I’m asking you to go seek some help. You’re mourning your best friend’s death, and caring for her child. I’m surprised you got this far with completely losing it…” Ryan said, trying to keep it light-hearted. Olivia froze, thinking of when she once…she couldn’t even bring herself to full process it.
“Please Olivia-“
“Call me Liv…we’re friends now right?” Olivia joked, with no humour. Ryan nodded, unsure, but still kept his hand where it was.
“Liv, will you?”
“If I go see someone, it’s admitting defeat.” Olivia said, thinking of her mother, who she still hadn’t spoken too. In fact, she missed her.
“No Liv, seeing someone is admitting you need a helping hand. Nothing to ever be ashamed of.” Ryan reassured, giving that wonderful smile that made Olivia’s heart skip slightly.
“Ryan, I’m scared though. What if I go and they say it’s nothing?” Olivia mumbled, biting her thumb. Ryan chuckled slightly.
“If they say it’s nothing, then I’m wrong, and you’re okay like you’ve been claiming to be.” Ryan said, and just like that Olivia agreed. She didn’t really understand why, as she hardly knew Ryan, but then again maybe she knew deep down, she did need some help, someone to talk to about her problems. Maybe Ryan knew she needed this all along.
---
“Hello Olivia.” Carol Foreman greeted, or Dr Foreman as she has always been known. She had been Olivia’s doctor since a young child, and knew Olivia fairly well, so it was no surprise that when Olivia needed some help, medically and in this case emotionally, Carol was the appropriate person.
“Hi Carol” Olivia said softly, giving a weak smile as she wringed her hands together, tightly. The two females had known each other long enough to be on first name basis. Carol preferred a more personal approach with her patients. Her copper-brown hair, and soft blue eyes was like a godsend, as Olivia immediately knew she made the right choice, despite the nerve-racking sound of the clock, and the sickening smell of disinfectant.
“Take a seat…” Carol ushered, waving a hand to the plush seat right by her desk. Papers scattered, and a computer in the corner, the home screen was of her husband and two children, both two girls, aged 9 and 13. Olivia in fact had been to one of the girl’s christenings. She forgets which one.
Olivia sat down gracefully, and breathed out deeply, and then inhaled deeply. She had to do this otherwise, she’d feel like she was going to faint.
“You well my dear?” Carol asked Olivia, taking one look at her and knowing instantly what was wrong. Carol had heard through the grapevine of Anna Greene’s death, and she had knew what their friendship was. Carol knew, at some point Olivia would be making a visit.
“I guess.” Olivia mumbled back, looking right at the floor, realizing how ugly the carpet was. A hideous shade of brown.
“And what have you come here for today?” Carol felt the need to ask, she needed to hear Olivia say it. Instead of the reply she wanted, Carol received silence as Olivia stared at the ground. While doing so, Carol took the chance to just take an onceover, seeing the large, dark bags under Olivia’s dull eyes, seeing the pale, gaunt face. She had lost weight, too much in fact. She looked exhausted, her hair seemed lifeless, and her eyes hollow. Then Carol’s eyes met the bandage, so Olivia had just scratched and right then, Carol knew this was serious.

“Olivia…” Carol coaxed.
Olivia sighed, and took another, desperate deep breath. “I don’t know where to begin…” she says faintly, her eyes flickered to Carol, then back at the ugly brown carpet. Carol re-crossed her legs, and sat forward.
“The beginning would be a good start.” Carol said gently, her calm blue eyes staring into Olivia’s, panicked brown irises.
“My best friend has died, and I don’t know how I’m meant to look after her child when I can’t even look after myself.” Olivia breathed, her fists clenching, then unclenching. The clock seemed louder now.
Carol didn’t speak for a moment until she finally recollected her thoughts. “Then we deal with one situation at a time don’t we? Let’s begin with you, tell me Olivia when was the last time you ate a full meal?” Carol said, clicking her pen.
“Yesterday lunch, my friend took me out.” Olivia said, almost smiling at the thought of Ryan.
“Have you eaten anything today?” Carol asked, and Olivia shook her head.
“Why not?” Carol questioned.
“Not hungry.”
“What’s your eating plans been like then?”
Olivia shrugged. “I don’t know, I eat when I’m hungry.”
“And how often are you hungry?” Carol questioned.
“Rarely…”
“Have you fed the child?”
“Course.” Olivia got defensive.
Carol ignored the tone and continued: “Now, sleeping habits? Could you give me an idea…”
“3-4 hours a night, sometimes I don’t sleep at all. Depends on the dream…”
“Dreams?”
“Yeah, I have dreams about Anna, and the past.”
“Do you wake up after them or during them?”
“Both, like I said…depends on how bad…”
“Why can’t you sleep, do you think Olivia?”
“I don’t deserve to.”
“Why not?”
“I just don’t.”
“Everyone deserves sleep Olivia, what a very unusual thing to say, so why can’t you sleep?”
“My best friend died. Try sleeping on that.” Olivia snapped, and then Carol realized she was crying. She rolled back on her chair, grabbing a Kleenex from her little cabinet, and rolled back, handing it to Olivia. Who wiped her eyes quickly, and rubbed her nose.
“Olivia, have you ever tried to hurt yourself?” Carol asked. Olivia hesitated, before nodding.
“To relieve the pain or something more serious?” Carol said delicately.
“I have wanted to kill myself, if that’s what you’re asking.” Olivia replied bluntly, getting irritated.
It continued, Carol was forced to ask questions as Olivia never wanted to talk freely. It wasn’t till the very end, when it all revealed, that Olivia truly wasn’t coping. She sobbed, and she shouted and during it, Carol sat there patiently, listening with those calm blue eyes.
“It’s not fair that she died! She’s my fucking best friend! Why do I have to cope without her!!” Olivia screamed.
“And I can’t even be angry with her-“
“Angry with whom dear?” Carol interrupted.
“Anna, I can’t be angry at her-”Olivia began.
“Why not?”
“Because she’s dead!”
“Just because Anna has passed doesn’t mean you can’t be angry. It is all stages of grievance my dear, anger is perfectly acceptable…” Carol reassured. Olivia sniffled.
“It is?” she mumbled, wiping her nose with her sleeve as the tissue was so absorbed with tears.
“Of course, you have lost a very important person to you. Not only that, you have been given the responsibility of a child. You are allowed to be angry Olivia.” Carol said, and that’s all it took.

“I am angry! I’m fucking furious!” Olivia piped in, wanting to punch the wall. Another five minutes of continuous, repetition of “I’m angry” and a variety of swearwords later, and Olivia finally calmed down, regaining her posture.

“Better?” Carol asked, handing the sixth tissue over.

“Yes, thank you.” Olivia mumbled, crawling back into her usual shelf.

“Olivia, you are going through a very hard time, and I can understand the emotional turmoil you must be going through, and as result your overall health is affected, which affects your moods, which worsens the emotion. Olivia, it is quite clear you have depression, completely understandable under the circumstances, and it is easily curable.” Carol finally diagnosed. Olivia was unsure as why she felt relieved hearing that, as if someway it made her feel better knowing, that what was happening to her wasn’t just grievance, it was more. Olivia didn’t feel like she had to pretend anymore.

“How?” Olivia asked.

“I don’t want to put you on a dose quite yet, your very young. However, I am prepared to give you a prescription of some herbal sleeping tablets, to help ease your sleeping patterns. Also, I’d like to work out a eating schedule for you. Also, I’m going to give you some information on coping with grievance and depression, and finally some leaflets on finding out more for children guardianship. I’d also like for you to come back next week, to update, is that alright?” Carol said, in a firm yet reassuring manner. By the end of the appointment, Olivia felt like a huge weight was off her shoulders, and she felt liberated. Olivia walked agreed to everything Carol said, and as she drove home, she felt better, not a lot but it was an improvement.