Keep Me Close

A couple weeks after Jeffrey and I had dinner with his family, my dad called me up and told me that he’d love for us to go out to dinner with him. He’d never really cooked much, or been good at it, so it didn’t surprise me that he wanted to go out to dinner. Ever since my mom passed away four years prier, he’d gone out to eat a lot. He learned to cook more than he used to know, but his skills still weren’t up to “family dinner” standard.

Jeffrey wasn’t as freaked as I was for his family, and it kind of embarrassed me a little. Like he implied that day; I'm usually the “man” in the relationship and I was acting quite the girl then. And even with him being the “girl”, he wasn’t fretting over anything before we left. I mean, he asked me if his hair looked alright, but he did that anytime we went out in public. He really was quite the girl when it came to his hair.

My dad had made reservations at the fanciest restaurant in town, Argent, which simply translated into “Silver” from French. It wasn’t expected, but it wasn’t very surprising either. It was something that he would do to make a good impression. So I guess we can see where I got that from, seeing as how he’s met Jeffrey about as much as his parents have met me.

Anyways, the dinner went amazingly well and my father actually paid for everybody, which really surprised us both. His reason was that he’s so glad that we have someone like each other in our lives and that we deserve each other. To me, that didn’t sounds like a reason to pay; just a reason to be happy, but to him I guess it’s the same thing.

It was near ten o’clock when Jeffrey and I started heading home. I was driving and he was half falling asleep in the passenger seat next to me. He was always so adorable when he was sleeping, so I couldn’t help myself when I had the urge to look over at him admiringly. I never would have guessed that those five seconds that my eyes were off the road would have done any damage to anybody, but that was a mistake I would never make again in my life, or Jeffrey’s for that matter.



I stayed by his side in the hospital for the next month, praying to the God I've barely believed in since I was 13 for him to get better. At least for him to wake up. Because if he woke up, that would mean that he was alright. It would mean that I still had him with me. And that I wasn’t potentially going to lose him in the exact same manner that I lost my mother.

We were in the middle of an intersection and some guy came flying through his red light, t-boning our car on the passenger side.

It wasn’t my fault that the accident happened.

But it was my fault that I didn’t see it before it did happen. And that’s what makes me feel so much worse.

I have “minimal damage”, as the doctor so apathetically put it. My wrist was crushed and I had bruises all across my body from the seat belt, the steering wheel, and the impact itself. But Jeffrey was in a coma.

He was in a coma, broke a leg and an arm, and arrived at the hospital with massive internal bleeding. A machine had to help him breath. And it was all my fault.



About two or three months after the accident – days and weeks started to run into each other after a while – the doctors told us that Jeffrey probably wouldn’t ever wake up from the coma he was in. That news shook me to the bone. It was the worst thing that had ever reached my ears and I nearly collapsed onto the floor. The only reason I didn’t topple to the ground was that Evan was there to catch me.

Jeffrey’s parents had called me, Evan, Avery and Todd to the hospital so we could be there when the doctor gave an update on his condition. They and Jeffrey’s sister had waited until we got there to have the doctor say anything, and honestly, I think I took the news worse than his family did. Don’t get me wrong; of course they were terribly upset, but I do think I took it worse than them.

As I said, I almost fainted and probably would have knocked myself out if it weren’t for Evan’s speedy reflexes. I never once cried though. Jeffrey wouldn’t want me crying because of him and I always told him that I wouldn’t cry if anything happened. It took just about all that was in me to not, but I was able to control myself. I knew I couldn’t cry; I would never live it down if when he woke up.

Todd helped me a lot actually, quite a bit to my surprise. He was really never one to initiate conversations or really to speak up much at all. But he was always there when any of his friends needed him, which is what makes him such an amazing guy.

“Hey Ben, are you feeling any better?” he started, pulling a chair next to mine and sitting down. I’d thought I was alone in the room until I heard the chair moving across the room. It was about an hour after we got the news and I was sitting by Jeffrey’s hospital bed, just kind of thinking, I guess. Maybe I subconsciously thought that if I sat there long enough, he’d notice it and wake up for me. I knew that wouldn’t happen, but I think that always lingered in the back of my mind.

“No,” I said simply, turning to look solemnly at Todd. “But I’m glad you’re here.”

“I can’t let you deal with this by yourself. Michelle, Oliver and Annette have each other during this whole thing, but you’ve just got us. And we need to be there for you.”

“But what about you guys? You were his best friends too,”

“That’s very true, but you were in love with him, Benjamin. There’s a big difference there. We loved him too, but you were in love with him,”

“No,” I shook my head, my eyes falling shut in denial.

“What? You did love him, right?”

“No that’s not what I’m talking about, Todd,” I sighed. “It’s not that I loved him. I do love him. He’s not gone yet and I’m not going to start talking about him like he’s left. I’m still in love with him and you guys still love him as friends. That hasn’t changed. And it’s not going to change. It can’t; I don’t know what I would do if it did. Because then it would be my fault.”

“Benjamin Michael Ethridge, don’t you dare say this was your fault,” he scolded, pointing his index finger threateningly at my face.

“But it is my fault Todd. If I wouldn’t have taken my eyes off the road, this wouldn’t have happened,”

“This was the fault of that idiot that ran the fucking red light. Did you run your light? Yes, but it was green so you were allowed to. Did you break the traffic law? No, not at all. Yeah you took your eyes off the road for a second or two, but you did everything else just freaking perfectly. You are a wonderful driver, Benjamin. I know this cannot possibly be your fault. And it isn’t you fault, so if you keep saying it is, I might have to slap some sense into you. You know I don’t hit people, but I’ll make an exception if you keep this up. The fault for this is all on that guy. If I could, I’d hit him for it, but he’s already fucking dead because of his stupidity, and I do not want you taking his blame. Don’t you even think that this is your fault, because we both know it’s not.”

Somehow, he got all of that out in two breaths. It was probably the most I’ve ever heard him say in a conversation, let alone at one time, but I badly needed him to say it. I don’t think I could have gotten over the guilt I felt if it wasn’t for Todd snapping me out of it.

I still didn’t want to believe that Jeffrey would possibly not make it, however. Whatever happened and however many people told me he wouldn’t come out of that coma, I always told myself and them that he would wake up and that I wouldn’t lose him.



My life was slowly unraveling around me. I found myself sleeping on the couch most nights because of the memories associated with my our bed. My dad and I became even more distanced because he reminded me of what happened with my mother. If my boss wasn’t an understanding woman, I’d have gotten fired because I couldn’t focus on half of what I was doing. The only thing that really kept me grounded was Todd and the knowledge that Jeffrey was still alive.

But then I got a phone call from Michelle. You could very well associate that phone call with the end of my life.

She said that it had been too long. She and Oliver couldn’t take it anymore, she told me. She said he wasn’t going to wake up - which I still denied - and they had the power.

They wanted me there when they did it, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t be there to see him breathe his last breath.

And that’s why I had to hit that tree. That’s why I couldn’t go on without him.