I Fell in Love With a Dead Boy

20minutes later he emerged, his arms filled with a few comics from fans and an Iron Maiden t-shirt.
“Hey” he gasped putting the stuff down on the nearby table.
“Hey” I smiled back, unsure about what was going to happen.
He sat down next to me on the couch; the leather creaked in the silence that encircled the air between us.

“So…you kissed Frank last night huh?”
I cringed, “No it was a total lie. They can all smell when something has happened and it kind of…well…just spun off?”
Gerard smiled at me, “I’ve dream kissed Frank, then woke up in a state of shock”
I chuckled, “Was he a good kisser?”
“Yeah, I was shocked coz I enjoyed it.”
I laughed harder.
“That scared me then though, I thought the three of them were going to…”
“I’m sorry” I shot across him, “Are you freaked out?”
He shook his head violently, his hair falling across his adorable face.
“Nah, I think it’s funny, except you’ll be getting stick about something that didn’t happen.”
I smiled, “I get the piss taken out of me for everything Gerard, it's what happens when you have Billie Joe as an uncle.”

Gerard smiled and we both stared at each other for a few moments. I enjoyed just looking at Gerard; his face was so appealing, his eyes glossing over, the knowledge behind them piercing through his black burnished pupils.
“Err…okay, Fia, about, well, about last night…” Gerard rolled his hands together nervously; he failed to look at me in the eye. He was obviously preparing himself for a ‘serious chat.’
“I…I better start from the beginning…Okay” Gerard inhaled and I sat in silence, waiting on edge for the words, he was treating this like an interview with a magazine rather than a conversation with a girl.

“Okay, well, when I spoke to Billie the other day, it’s because well, I realise what is going to happen, I mean we are going to get big and I’m heading for all kinds of fucking pressure and I’m scared, really scared. I want to be a good example for our fans but I want to be a rock and roll star too. I’m on a tour with fucking Green Day and the ledged that is Billie Joe Armstrong and I can’t enjoy myself…”
“Why?” I asked, cutting across him, wondering why I’m getting this lecture of explanation when all he needs to do is tell me how he feels.

Gerard sighed, combing a hand through his hair…
“Last night, well, okay, from the start of the tour even…you made an effort with me, you hardly knew me and you were so nice to me, I’m fuckin depressed and most people would just run a mile but you tried with me. And…well, I do like you, lots, but…”
“But?” I prompted, leaning closer to him.
“But…I… remember when I said I made a promise to behave? And you all take the piss because I’m always on my cell?
Well, that’s because I…I…have…I’m having problems well, yeah, I’m having big problems with my girlfriend.”

I stared at Gerard.
He had literally taken a knife to the swell of hope in my heart; he had shredded all my anticipations and dreams of ever becoming happy with him. I had peaked too soon, it was only a kiss, I felt so foolish to think that anything could be made of a kiss… with him.
Shame hit me like a thunder of bricks. I had to get out of here.
“It…It was a kiss Gerard, it was silly of me, I’m sorry, I’m sorry that I…I…nosed around your private life. I was drunk I’m sorry.” I stood up; he stared at me, his eyes going wide, mouth hung loose.
“Fia…”
“I better go, Billie will be warming up and you will be on in an hour.”
“Fia wait…” Gerard also rose to his feet, “Don’t leave it like this…” his voice hoarse “Bye Gerard, have a good show.”
I fled from the bus, almost jogging to the backstage area. Holding back disappointed tears I fled to the ladies, locking myself in a cubicle and crashing down on the lidded toilet. My breathing rasped in my throat, I needed to calm down.

Girlfriend, girlfriend, girlfriend, girlfriend….

The word ran through my head like a booming train. How could I be so naïve? Of course he had a girlfriend! As if Gerard would be single?
Why didn’t Billie tell me? Why didn’t anyone mention it?

It had been two days and I was hardly around, I hadn’t really spoken to anybody except Billie and some guy called Tim at MTV UK about an interview with Green Day. I had told everyone I was feeling a bit ill but in reality I couldn’t compete with the shame that had attached itself to my jugular like a leech and would not drop off. I just felt so stupid and humiliated, I felt like a little girl, a stupid naive child who knew no better. The fact is that I had never liked someone like I liked Gerard Way. Sure I had crushed on people before, hell I loved Mike for a number of teenage years, but Gerard, for some reason seemed different. I could talk with him, laugh with him get turned on by him…that was different, it was new and exciting, and the feeling that exploded in the very walls of my veins every time he glanced in my direction felt like I would drop dead at such a powerful reaction.
But then there was the doubt, the encircling feeling of doubt, that ridiculous rising lump in my chest that occurred whenever I tried to brush off my feelings, why did he kiss me? Does he feel the same way? Not even the same way, does he feel SOMETHING? ANYTHING for me?

“Fia!”
It was Billie, I got up from my bunk and slowly hobbled into the living area of the bus.
“What?” I groaned.
“We need to talk kiddo sit down.”
I frowned at my uncle and shuddered, catching sight of my un –groomed, unattractive self in the reflection of his sunglasses.
Billie turned to me as I collapsed into the soft leather,
“Are you happy Fia? Here I mean, are you happy on tour?”
I turned to him; a confused stare obviously showing across my face, sighing, my uncle took off his sunglasses.
“I’m asking because ever since we got to England you’ve been a mope and one of the reasons I brought you out here was because you wanted to visit the UK.”
I shifted, opening my mouth to speak, but he cut across me, twirling his sunglasses in his fingers.
“All I’m saying is that I won’t be mad if you want to go home don’t feel you have to stay, you can go home straight away back to your desk in Adeline…”
I shook my head violently, “No Billie it isn’t that…”
“What is it then?”
“I don’t know…I, I’ve just been having a bit of a depressive mood that’s all, I mean I’ve not been feeling very well.”
“You okay?” He asked, eyebrow arching in concern, green eyes darting across my face in worry.
“Yes, I think I’m okay now, thanks.”
Billie flung his arms out and flicked in his index fingers signalling a hug. I leaned into him and he rocked me slowly,
“You’ve been spending too much time with Gerard.” He whispered kissing the top of my head. I forced a giggle which came out as a spluttered sob. Billie chuckled and rocked me harder before pulling away from me. God if he only knew…
“Anyway, speaking of him, I need you to do me a favour.”
I tilted my head, shit, what did he want?
“I kinda pissed Gee off, well, I’ll explain…”
He grinned as I shook my head
“Party was at Frank’s last night and apparently I puked all over a very, very special comic book.”
I giggled, “What?” I guess Uncle Billie had taken care of my revenge without him knowing it.
“Yeah, a Superman first edition apparently…”
“Ouch” I grimaced as Billie chuckled, “Yeah…anyway, I phoned ahead and apparently some store in Birmingham, thank God, has one, so all you have to do is pick it up while the show is on.”
I nodded, “Okay, that’s fine.”
“Great” Billie smiled ruffling my hair a he stood up,
“Oh yeah, get Mike a coffee, I’ll have a latte while your at it.”
I growled and stood up, heading to the closet to get dressed. Slightly disappointed I’d be missing the show because my Uncle can’t stomach his booze.