I Fell in Love With a Dead Boy

Baldoon Castle was a three hour drive. Frank and Mike came with me. I figured that it was probably best to go with the two people who knew what was going on. Billie wasn’t too happy about not coming with me. I had the terrifying feeling that he had overheard mine and Frank’s conversation too, Mike kept looking at me with knowing eyes as Matt, one of the roadies drove us to the castle.
I prayed that Gerard was here, if he wasn’t I would be blamed for wasting two hours of searching time.
We pulled up to the castle and I flung open the door and ran. I heard Frank and Mike shouting after me but I continued to run. Where was that tree? It was a tree wasn’t it? The spooky name engravings in the tree? Wouldn’t he be there? I recalled his voice last night telling me so passionately about the story. The thoughts in my mind scrambling my senses and making it difficult to even process where I was running too.

Loving you isn’t the right thing to do.
How can ever change things I feel?
If I could I would give you my world but how can I when you won’t take it from me?

I followed a sign post in the huge grounds that directed me to the ‘haunted tree’ as it was called on the large blue visitors sign. The grounds were breathtaking, a huge old gothic style castle that wouldn’t be out of place in a Vincent Price film. I didn’t fully take the in my beautiful surroundings however, I was far more concerned with finding Gerard. My lungs heaved for air and my legs ached, their muscles thoroughly fed up with working so hard today. It was nearing night now though, the sky turning a warm red-purple. I turned down the path where the arrow had directed me, I froze when I saw him crouched under the tree, note pad in hand, leaning against its ancient bark.
I began walking closer to him, the wind picking up and howling through my ears. Gerard looked up at my approaching figure.
He stood up quickly, “I…I thought you were a ghost for a minute.”
I smirked at his dropped jaw, taking in his tight trousers, leather jacket and horror movie t-shirt.
“I told you I’d give you a fright today.”
He shifted on his feet, folding his notebook away into the back pocket of his jeans.
“You do realise that everyone is worried sick? Why did you turn your cell off?”
Gerard looked down at the grass like a scalded puppy, “She…she was ringing me.”
“Ah, you’re Girlfriend” I snapped, maybe a little harshly.
“Yeah” He barked back.
I shot backwards at his angry comeback.
“Oh I’m sorry, I should have told the others not to bother, leave Gerard the fuck in Scotland I don’t know where he is and I don’t care.” I yelled at him, un -folding my arms, fists clenching into white knuckles.
“Maybe you should of!” He roared back.
I felt hot anger rising in every vein in my body, “Fine. Fine! IF you decide and WHEN you decide to grow up and stop being such a moaning little bitch, maybe you can finish this tour!”
Gerard glared up at me, his eyes narrowing, “You have no fucking clue…” he hissed.
“…it’s so easy for you isn’t it? Your just working for your uncle, never had it particularly tough yet you think you know about this business”
I’m sure a vein popped in my head when he said that, “You have no fuckin idea what my life has been like…” I growled back at him, stepping forward, taking everything I had not to thump him one in his oh so beautiful face.
“You have no idea because YOU have never asked me Gerard…You’re just there in your little fuckin bubble of misery, everyone feel sorry for Gerard Way the tortured, alcoholic melancholic genius.”
Gerard frowned at my words, “I don’t want to be that! You don’t know how hard it is…”
“I KNOW HOW FUCKIN HARD IT IS! You think Billie and Mike and Tre got to where they are by whinging about how hard it is? By sitting recluse every night thinking about it? They wouldn’t be here by now! You just have to fuckin live and do the best you can!”

I inhaled, my heart thudding, my chest retching for air, I have never been so angry in all my life, all my emotions these passed weeks had just come exploding out of me like an atom bomb. Gerard stared at me, his eyes wide, his frown smoothing out, running a hand through his hair he watched helplessly as I re -caught my breath.
“Why are you bothering Fia? If you feel like this so strongly then why? Why do you care about me?”

Oh, people said that you were virtually dead
And they were so wrong
Oh, people see no worth in you
Oh, but I do.

I swallowed, “Don’t you know by now Gerard?” I whispered looking away from him, my eyes filling with salty tears.
“Fia…” he began walking over to me, he was five steps away at least, but those five steps seemed to take an eternity as his shoes crunched at cold grass under our feet.
He lifted my chin upwards slowly; his eyes piercing mine with an intensity and darkness that made my knees buckle, the heat from his thumb contacting my skin sent a shiver through my neck…

“FIA! GERARD!”
Gerard dropped his hand down like a firework. We both turned to see Mike and Frank jogging down the path. Mike’s face was red, I’d seen that look before…his long legs pounded towards us…he clenched his jaw and before I could scream he had folded back his arm and gave Gerard an almighty punch in the face.

Gerard toppled to the floor, Mike stood, chest heaving gritted frown, similar to the one he pulled during a live performance. Frank dashed across the lawn to Gerard, helping the singer hurriedly regain his feet. I stood in shock, not quite believing that Mike had just nearly knocked Gerard un-conscious.
Gerard gazed at Mike fearfully, his hand clutching the cheek that was now burning red from the bassist’s knuckles.
“YOU LITTLE SHIT” Mike hissed, “YOU HAVE NO fuckin IDEA how MUCH I have wanted TO do that.”
Gerard’s eyes went wider; he continued to stare speechless at Mike. I shifted on my feet, if Mike was looking at me like that I would have legged it by now.
“Mike…” I whispered, causing Frank to glance at me, his arms still holding Gerard steady.
“No Fia.” Mike spat, “This guy needs a fuckin reality check…” he turned to Gerard, practically foaming at the mouth.
“You cause chaos on the last day by going missing; you were the most un-sociable self centred fucker I have ever toured with, your pussy whipped by your girlfriend and to top it all off…” Mike’s arm extended and he pointed at me. I stared at his finger like it was a gun barrel.
“…You break her heart.”

Gerard and Frank momentary looked at me; I felt tears swell in my eyes. Why did Mike say that? Why did he have to demean me, embarrass me like that?
I turned on my heel and walked, walked away from it. I didn’t need this. I didn’t need the drama anymore. Sure that was one hell of a good punch, but he didn’t have to say that. I ignored their calls after me and made my way back across the grounds to the car.

I opened the door and sat in the front next to Matt. He looked at me questionably but I shook my head. The other three clambered into the back of the car in silence, Gerard’s face had gone slightly more purple, Mike’s jaw had gone slightly more clenched and poor Frank just looked like he wanted the ground to swallow him up rather than sit between the tetchy singer and bassist.
I glanced at Gerard in the side mirror of the car as we pulled into the car park of the arena. He eyes revolved upwards and met mine; an ignition went off in my head. He gave me a small smile and rubbed his cheek slowly. I could almost hear his voice, a silent apology shone in his eyes. I looked away, quickly, I wanted this tour to give me something, teach me something. I wanted to walk away with great friends and memories. The trouble is, I have all that, but I have also been lumbered with a huge lump of caring and regret over a terribly attractive messed up man.
Boarding the plane to LA and walking away from Gerard would be hard, how can we leave it at this? How can I be left with all this doubt and anguish?
Explaining that bruise to Billie would be harder than any of that however.