I Fell in Love With a Dead Boy
No one will understand
“Fia don’t you dare go up to him. I know what you are doing.”
I stared at Mike, his eyes were bloodshot and he frowned as I wiggled my arm free from his, quite painful, grasp.
“Mike I’m just going to say hi because Frank asked me to okay?”
The bassist frowned at me again. He wasn’t happy. I was getting quite sick of this.
“Fia he’s a prick-hic- you can –hic- do so much better.”
I sighed, Mike was obviously a bit tipsy, “I know Mike I know, I’m coming straight down I promise. I’m a big girl now.”
He raised his eyebrow at me, slurring, and “I’m jus lookin out for you I don’t want any trouble again”.
“I know Mike, thanks” I sighed, wishing I could get this over with and be done with it.
“Promise you’ll be right down?”
I nodded, “Yep.”
Mike turned from me, sipping at his beer, seemingly satisfied with my answer.
I breathed a sigh of relief, if Mike got angry whilst drunk, Gerard would be hanging from the balcony of his room by the ankles. There was no controlling the plastered bassist when angry; he was like a bull to a red flag. I watched him wobble across the lobby to the reception hall; he turned and waved at me dramatically before being tackled out of my sight by what appeared to be Bob and Tre. I shook my head and continued to ascend the stairs to the elevator, Mike needed to mind his own business now, I don't know why he thinks he has to mother me all the time.
Number 342.
Gerard’s room number.
I stared up at the oak for a few minutes, registering whether Frank had actually said the number 342 or not. But, strangely, that was not the most important thing chugging through my busy mind right now. Gerard was behind that door, Gerard Way; I loved him, the man who had been the starring role in my dreams for months.
I barely registered that my knuckles had connected with the hard door; the world had suddenly gone into slow motion. The gold numbers in front of me fuzzed and I wobbled in my shoes as a voice crackled in the distance before the door was slowly pulled open to reveal green eyes.
Gerard stepped backwards, blinking those green eyes whose pupils had turned ridiculously large. His face was pale, so pale that the veins in his cheeks and forehead were visible and terrifyingly prominent. My heart stopped, sweat was pouring down his face as he stared at me, his eyes blinking wildly again.
He stumbled backwards again, clutching thin air in a desperate attempt to register the situation. It was clear that he had taken something. I walked towards him warily, eyes still wild like a cornered deer.
“Fia…” he croaked, “Is that you?”
Then he collapsed, fell forewords into my arms, he began to shake, sweat pouring form his body, his black hair sticking to his scalp. I panicked…Oh Jesus what had he done?
I scanned around in a desperate rush for an answer, and then noticed the empty pill bottle on the bedside table.
Tears began streaming down my face as he shook violently against my clutching, forlorn arms. “No, no, Gerard, God no Please, Gerard…”
My heart was ramming my ribcage in complete despair, this was it wasn’t it? Choking tears and panting sobs erupted through my whole body, I broke down sobbing into his hair and damp face, clutching at his beautiful tuxed torso, terror encapsulating every thought and action… he was dying I knew he was dying. But I was helpless, I finally had him, finally could love him freely, but here he was, life dripping out of his body.
I collapsed onto his chest, burying my hysterical sobs into his neck, “Don’t leave me, Gerard, don’t let her win…why did you do this?” I screeched into his deaf ears, my dark imaginings, and my wilding thoughts excreting in pathetic jabs against his lifeless body.
I couldn’t live without him in this world, he couldn’t leave me like this, I had to tell him, he had to know.
“Wake up, Gerard…I love you…Gerard.”
“Can you hear me?” I knew he needed a doctor, I knew he wasn’t going to answer me. I knew he wasn’t going to survive this. But I couldn’t let go of him, I just couldn’t. Oh God how did it get to this point? The terror that filled my every sense made me shake, my bones cracked a silent strike of cold and my eyes began to water with sweet tears. I couldn’t stop myself; all I could do was lie down beside him and clutch his body close to mine. Wishing the hot breath escaping my lips was the last stream of air ever to escape them. How did we come so far? How did I let him do this? I should have been there; I should have helped him through this shitty relationship, why did I just ignore him like a spoilt brat? God this was my entire fault, all my fault.
“FIA!”
I turned, still clutching the lifeless Gerard, Mike, Billie and Frank stood at the doorway, mouths agape.
Frank and Billie spurted into action, picking up the singer from my grasp, literally tearing him away. I screeched,
“No, no! Don’t take him, don’t!”
I screamed as Mike held me back, strong arms around my waist. I kicked, I screamed till my throat was raw as they stumbled out of sight into the corridor with the comatose singer. Obviously everybody had sobered up very quickly.
“NO! GERARD! MIKE GET OFF…GET…”
The bassist turned me around and shook me violently. “Fia! STOP IT! STOP IT NOW!”
I squealed, before sobbing into his neck.
“He collapsed Mike, he…he just went, he had taken the pills…he…”
My breath hitched as Mike made calming hushing noises down my ear, stroking my hair and kissing the top of my head.
“Come, on, come on, he’ll be okay, he’ll go to hospital…”
“I…It’s my entire fault Mike…I love him, I need to be with him.” I sobbed clutching the man’s skinny frame beneath me.
Mike’s grip tightened, “Fia, you don’t, you think you love him sweetie but you don’t. There’s someone out there for you I promise but it isn’t him. There is someone better.”
I looked up at the bassist slowly, “What?”
Mike sighed, “Fia, baby, I mean, he isn’t right for you.”
I swallowed, stepping away from the man who seemed so distant right now. Why was the guy I always counted on being so cold now? He had come looking for me after a while obviously but...but why did he say that? What was he hiding?
“Mike?”
He hung his head down, running a hand through his blonde spikes, “Look Fia, I mean… I may as well tell you…I…I…”
“FIA!”
I turned, Adi, Alicia and Brittany stood in the doorway. I turned to Mike, who avoided my gaze quickly as Adi rushed up to hug me.
“Are you alright? Come on, we have to go…” She whispered leading me out of that dreadful room.
“Where’s Gerard, is he dead?” I asked frantically in the elevator, my emotional and physical energy completely drained from Gerard’s actions and Mike’s words.
“The ambulance took him” Alicia broke the silence; “Mikey, Frank and Bob have gone with him to the hospital.”
I shook in my aunt’s embrace, this couldn’t be happening…blackness took over me and that’s when I fell.
I stared at Mike, his eyes were bloodshot and he frowned as I wiggled my arm free from his, quite painful, grasp.
“Mike I’m just going to say hi because Frank asked me to okay?”
The bassist frowned at me again. He wasn’t happy. I was getting quite sick of this.
“Fia he’s a prick-hic- you can –hic- do so much better.”
I sighed, Mike was obviously a bit tipsy, “I know Mike I know, I’m coming straight down I promise. I’m a big girl now.”
He raised his eyebrow at me, slurring, and “I’m jus lookin out for you I don’t want any trouble again”.
“I know Mike, thanks” I sighed, wishing I could get this over with and be done with it.
“Promise you’ll be right down?”
I nodded, “Yep.”
Mike turned from me, sipping at his beer, seemingly satisfied with my answer.
I breathed a sigh of relief, if Mike got angry whilst drunk, Gerard would be hanging from the balcony of his room by the ankles. There was no controlling the plastered bassist when angry; he was like a bull to a red flag. I watched him wobble across the lobby to the reception hall; he turned and waved at me dramatically before being tackled out of my sight by what appeared to be Bob and Tre. I shook my head and continued to ascend the stairs to the elevator, Mike needed to mind his own business now, I don't know why he thinks he has to mother me all the time.
Number 342.
Gerard’s room number.
I stared up at the oak for a few minutes, registering whether Frank had actually said the number 342 or not. But, strangely, that was not the most important thing chugging through my busy mind right now. Gerard was behind that door, Gerard Way; I loved him, the man who had been the starring role in my dreams for months.
I barely registered that my knuckles had connected with the hard door; the world had suddenly gone into slow motion. The gold numbers in front of me fuzzed and I wobbled in my shoes as a voice crackled in the distance before the door was slowly pulled open to reveal green eyes.
Gerard stepped backwards, blinking those green eyes whose pupils had turned ridiculously large. His face was pale, so pale that the veins in his cheeks and forehead were visible and terrifyingly prominent. My heart stopped, sweat was pouring down his face as he stared at me, his eyes blinking wildly again.
He stumbled backwards again, clutching thin air in a desperate attempt to register the situation. It was clear that he had taken something. I walked towards him warily, eyes still wild like a cornered deer.
“Fia…” he croaked, “Is that you?”
Then he collapsed, fell forewords into my arms, he began to shake, sweat pouring form his body, his black hair sticking to his scalp. I panicked…Oh Jesus what had he done?
I scanned around in a desperate rush for an answer, and then noticed the empty pill bottle on the bedside table.
Tears began streaming down my face as he shook violently against my clutching, forlorn arms. “No, no, Gerard, God no Please, Gerard…”
My heart was ramming my ribcage in complete despair, this was it wasn’t it? Choking tears and panting sobs erupted through my whole body, I broke down sobbing into his hair and damp face, clutching at his beautiful tuxed torso, terror encapsulating every thought and action… he was dying I knew he was dying. But I was helpless, I finally had him, finally could love him freely, but here he was, life dripping out of his body.
I collapsed onto his chest, burying my hysterical sobs into his neck, “Don’t leave me, Gerard, don’t let her win…why did you do this?” I screeched into his deaf ears, my dark imaginings, and my wilding thoughts excreting in pathetic jabs against his lifeless body.
I couldn’t live without him in this world, he couldn’t leave me like this, I had to tell him, he had to know.
“Wake up, Gerard…I love you…Gerard.”
“Can you hear me?” I knew he needed a doctor, I knew he wasn’t going to answer me. I knew he wasn’t going to survive this. But I couldn’t let go of him, I just couldn’t. Oh God how did it get to this point? The terror that filled my every sense made me shake, my bones cracked a silent strike of cold and my eyes began to water with sweet tears. I couldn’t stop myself; all I could do was lie down beside him and clutch his body close to mine. Wishing the hot breath escaping my lips was the last stream of air ever to escape them. How did we come so far? How did I let him do this? I should have been there; I should have helped him through this shitty relationship, why did I just ignore him like a spoilt brat? God this was my entire fault, all my fault.
“FIA!”
I turned, still clutching the lifeless Gerard, Mike, Billie and Frank stood at the doorway, mouths agape.
Frank and Billie spurted into action, picking up the singer from my grasp, literally tearing him away. I screeched,
“No, no! Don’t take him, don’t!”
I screamed as Mike held me back, strong arms around my waist. I kicked, I screamed till my throat was raw as they stumbled out of sight into the corridor with the comatose singer. Obviously everybody had sobered up very quickly.
“NO! GERARD! MIKE GET OFF…GET…”
The bassist turned me around and shook me violently. “Fia! STOP IT! STOP IT NOW!”
I squealed, before sobbing into his neck.
“He collapsed Mike, he…he just went, he had taken the pills…he…”
My breath hitched as Mike made calming hushing noises down my ear, stroking my hair and kissing the top of my head.
“Come, on, come on, he’ll be okay, he’ll go to hospital…”
“I…It’s my entire fault Mike…I love him, I need to be with him.” I sobbed clutching the man’s skinny frame beneath me.
Mike’s grip tightened, “Fia, you don’t, you think you love him sweetie but you don’t. There’s someone out there for you I promise but it isn’t him. There is someone better.”
I looked up at the bassist slowly, “What?”
Mike sighed, “Fia, baby, I mean, he isn’t right for you.”
I swallowed, stepping away from the man who seemed so distant right now. Why was the guy I always counted on being so cold now? He had come looking for me after a while obviously but...but why did he say that? What was he hiding?
“Mike?”
He hung his head down, running a hand through his blonde spikes, “Look Fia, I mean… I may as well tell you…I…I…”
“FIA!”
I turned, Adi, Alicia and Brittany stood in the doorway. I turned to Mike, who avoided my gaze quickly as Adi rushed up to hug me.
“Are you alright? Come on, we have to go…” She whispered leading me out of that dreadful room.
“Where’s Gerard, is he dead?” I asked frantically in the elevator, my emotional and physical energy completely drained from Gerard’s actions and Mike’s words.
“The ambulance took him” Alicia broke the silence; “Mikey, Frank and Bob have gone with him to the hospital.”
I shook in my aunt’s embrace, this couldn’t be happening…blackness took over me and that’s when I fell.