I Fell in Love With a Dead Boy
One angry Punk
I came too in Billie and Adi’s living room.
“Fia?”
Adi was sitting over me as I lay on the couch. Her eyes were wet with tears, their black make up smudged around their corners.
“Are you okay?” she asked warmly smiling at me, tightening her grip on my hand.
“Yes I’m fine” I answered, sitting up slightly, trying to regain my composure and thought. The jerky movements of my body sent a shiver of sickness down my back. Adi frowned at the grimace on my face.
“Sit back a bit Fia, you fainted, you have to stay still.”
I groaned as a tattooed hand held out a glass of water underneath my nose.
“Thanks Billie” I sighed. Billie made a ‘gruff’ sort of noise and sat in the chair opposite me, a moody cloud of silence pulsating over his head.
I turned to Adi, whose eyes fixed on me, a silent sign to not address her husband; he was obviously in a massive angry mood with me.
I suddenly remembered what had happened and I tried to sit up again but Adi’s hand pushed my shoulder back down against the cushions.
“Gerard, Mike..?” I gasped, wanting to get all the thoughts out of mouth at once.
Adi, stroked my arm tenderly, “Fia, sweetie, its okay, Gerard is in hospital, he’s in intensive care, he took an overdose, they…well, he, he’s stable.”
My chest rose with every word that plummeted from my aunt’s lips, I looked across the room at Billie who had folded his arms and was chewing angrily at his lip. Adi turned to her husband then back to me, “You, well, I think you should stay here for a few days, you know, until your 100 percent. I want to keep an eye on you sweetie.”
I frowned at her, “Ades, I’m fine; really I can go home…”
“I’d prefer it.” She said sternly, “If you stayed.”
I nodded; there was no arguing my way out of this one. The thought of Gerard lying in that hospital made my stomach churn; I wanted to see him, desperately. In my mixed thoughts I hadn’t noticed Billie stand up and thrust a white envelope in my face.
“This is for you” he snarled, watching me as I nervously took the white paper from his grasp. “Fia” was written on the front in red pen.
Adi frowned at her husband who sat back down his chair, his eyes still fixed on me like a lion watching prey.
I looked up at Adi, thoroughly confused. She shrugged and gestured for me to open it.
I slowly shredded down the centre of the folded paper with my index finger, the ripping noise splitting the uncomfortable silence. I took out the letter sealed within, tossing the envelope aside.
I glanced up at my uncle whose frown had embedded deeper into his forehead.
I opened it cautiously like it was a bomb about to explode.
The writing was neat, the pen was red, there were no mistakes on the page, this letter was thought out, this letter was not rushed.
Dear Fia Nesser
I am writing to you to apologise. I am who I am and no one cares or knows me except you. I am the self consumer of my woes. The thing that I had once loved has only become distorted noise that tires me into despair. Every night I suffer demons in my room, brought on by my own weakness and self hate. My life has become nothing but regrets, the biggest being letting you, the person who understands me, who truly cares for me, the person I love. Disappear. Not only disappear, but leave with a broken heart and a severe hatred for me.
I don’t love her. I love you. I hate her with every fibre of my being; she turned the thing that I most desired, love, into something painful and humiliating. I focused all my attention on an already lost cause, my brain turned to her while my heart was facing you.
What have I become my sweetest love?
If I could start again I would, but it’s too late and I’ve hurt too many people, I was so selfish and useless, but what I lament the most is that I hurt you.
I love you Fia Nesser and I may not be here physically, but I will be with you and I want you to be happy, because I can only be content in being dead if you are happy alive.
All my love, for an eternity,
Gerard Way.
Tears were streaming from my eyes as I read the letter. I looked up at my uncle, his face was still stern but his eyes had softened. I noticed the paper crackling in my shaking hand. Gerard meant to kill himself; he wrote ME a suicide note. I was sobbing now, sobbing into Adi’s, now creased, dress.
She carefully removed the letter from my grasp as I tried to regain my composure. I was so angry at him, why did he want to kill himself? Was he really that unhappy?
I wiped my eyes and sat up, head in my knees. Now on top of all this I hate to face Billie. I raised my head, staring at the carpet.
“Can I ask Fia, why Gerard Way was writing a suicide note to you?”
I looked up at my Uncle, he was looking at me with seething eyes, he knew. Oh Shit he knew alright.
I didn’t answer; instead I sat staring at him, taking in his powerful green eyes that bore straight through me.
“I’m sure Mike told you everything” I whispered, finally answering after a few moments. Adi looking between the both of us looking like she didn’t know whether to run or stay and witness this.
“Yeah he did” Billie sat back, crossing his legs, “I had my suspicions but he confirmed them.”
I looked away from him, back to the floor, nervously rubbing my hands together.
“Fia I’m just angry that you lied to me and you did the one thing I asked you not to do.”
His voice rang more stern, and the tone he used when he was getting ready to yell at his sons began to emerge in his words, I inhaled, he wouldn’t be able to keep it in any longer…
“HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID? I SPECIFICALLY TOL DYOU NOT TO GET INVOLVED WITH…”
I stood up and left, walked out of the room and ran up the stairs. I didn’t need this, not now, I heard him yelling after me, but I didn’t care, for once I didn’t care. I just wanted to rest, my brain ached, and too much had been opened up. Too many wounds had been made today.
I lay awake in the guest bedroom listening to Adi and Billie yell at each other downstairs,
“Billie you could have at least left it a few days! The poor kid…”
“She’s 23. She can handle it…”
“She’s 23 when it’s convenient for her to be for you. She’s only a kid when you want her to be too…”
“That’s not true!”
“It Is Billie Joe! When my sister died we said we would look after her like one of our own, come on Billie, she’s almost our daughter. Sometimes I wonder whether you still see her as a kid…”
“I do though; she’s too young to be messing around! And with Gerard Way! For god’s sake, the kid’s a mess…”
“They love each other.”
“No they don’t, she needs to find someone stable at least, someone who doesn’t top himself over a psycho bitch.”
There was a pause and I could imagine Adi folding her arms and taping her foot like she always did when she got annoyed at him…
“Billie, it’s happened, okay? They are in love, it’s too late. And he’s well; he’s alive which means that when he wakes up, they’ll want to see each other…especially after this letter.”
“That letter is stupid, words mean nothing and I WILL stop this, he doesn’t deserve her.”
“You think no one does! But you’re forgetting she likes him! You sound like my father…”
She mocked her father’s voice, “Adrienne Billie Joe is a musician they don’t have very stable prospects…”
“Yeah but you didn’t listen…luckily.”
“EXACTLY Billie Joe, if you ban Fia from seeing Gerard she’ll hate you and want him even more. Do you want that?”
“No.”
“Exactly and if he screws up, THEN you, Mike and Tre can go around there with sledgehammers.” There was a silence again as Billie thought about this. THANK God for Adrienne and her ability to wrap her husband around her little finger with the flutter of those eyelashes
“FINE! But I’m not happy about this and…I get the first punch.”
“Fia?”
Adi was sitting over me as I lay on the couch. Her eyes were wet with tears, their black make up smudged around their corners.
“Are you okay?” she asked warmly smiling at me, tightening her grip on my hand.
“Yes I’m fine” I answered, sitting up slightly, trying to regain my composure and thought. The jerky movements of my body sent a shiver of sickness down my back. Adi frowned at the grimace on my face.
“Sit back a bit Fia, you fainted, you have to stay still.”
I groaned as a tattooed hand held out a glass of water underneath my nose.
“Thanks Billie” I sighed. Billie made a ‘gruff’ sort of noise and sat in the chair opposite me, a moody cloud of silence pulsating over his head.
I turned to Adi, whose eyes fixed on me, a silent sign to not address her husband; he was obviously in a massive angry mood with me.
I suddenly remembered what had happened and I tried to sit up again but Adi’s hand pushed my shoulder back down against the cushions.
“Gerard, Mike..?” I gasped, wanting to get all the thoughts out of mouth at once.
Adi, stroked my arm tenderly, “Fia, sweetie, its okay, Gerard is in hospital, he’s in intensive care, he took an overdose, they…well, he, he’s stable.”
My chest rose with every word that plummeted from my aunt’s lips, I looked across the room at Billie who had folded his arms and was chewing angrily at his lip. Adi turned to her husband then back to me, “You, well, I think you should stay here for a few days, you know, until your 100 percent. I want to keep an eye on you sweetie.”
I frowned at her, “Ades, I’m fine; really I can go home…”
“I’d prefer it.” She said sternly, “If you stayed.”
I nodded; there was no arguing my way out of this one. The thought of Gerard lying in that hospital made my stomach churn; I wanted to see him, desperately. In my mixed thoughts I hadn’t noticed Billie stand up and thrust a white envelope in my face.
“This is for you” he snarled, watching me as I nervously took the white paper from his grasp. “Fia” was written on the front in red pen.
Adi frowned at her husband who sat back down his chair, his eyes still fixed on me like a lion watching prey.
I looked up at Adi, thoroughly confused. She shrugged and gestured for me to open it.
I slowly shredded down the centre of the folded paper with my index finger, the ripping noise splitting the uncomfortable silence. I took out the letter sealed within, tossing the envelope aside.
I glanced up at my uncle whose frown had embedded deeper into his forehead.
I opened it cautiously like it was a bomb about to explode.
The writing was neat, the pen was red, there were no mistakes on the page, this letter was thought out, this letter was not rushed.
Dear Fia Nesser
I am writing to you to apologise. I am who I am and no one cares or knows me except you. I am the self consumer of my woes. The thing that I had once loved has only become distorted noise that tires me into despair. Every night I suffer demons in my room, brought on by my own weakness and self hate. My life has become nothing but regrets, the biggest being letting you, the person who understands me, who truly cares for me, the person I love. Disappear. Not only disappear, but leave with a broken heart and a severe hatred for me.
I don’t love her. I love you. I hate her with every fibre of my being; she turned the thing that I most desired, love, into something painful and humiliating. I focused all my attention on an already lost cause, my brain turned to her while my heart was facing you.
What have I become my sweetest love?
If I could start again I would, but it’s too late and I’ve hurt too many people, I was so selfish and useless, but what I lament the most is that I hurt you.
I love you Fia Nesser and I may not be here physically, but I will be with you and I want you to be happy, because I can only be content in being dead if you are happy alive.
All my love, for an eternity,
Gerard Way.
Tears were streaming from my eyes as I read the letter. I looked up at my uncle, his face was still stern but his eyes had softened. I noticed the paper crackling in my shaking hand. Gerard meant to kill himself; he wrote ME a suicide note. I was sobbing now, sobbing into Adi’s, now creased, dress.
She carefully removed the letter from my grasp as I tried to regain my composure. I was so angry at him, why did he want to kill himself? Was he really that unhappy?
I wiped my eyes and sat up, head in my knees. Now on top of all this I hate to face Billie. I raised my head, staring at the carpet.
“Can I ask Fia, why Gerard Way was writing a suicide note to you?”
I looked up at my Uncle, he was looking at me with seething eyes, he knew. Oh Shit he knew alright.
I didn’t answer; instead I sat staring at him, taking in his powerful green eyes that bore straight through me.
“I’m sure Mike told you everything” I whispered, finally answering after a few moments. Adi looking between the both of us looking like she didn’t know whether to run or stay and witness this.
“Yeah he did” Billie sat back, crossing his legs, “I had my suspicions but he confirmed them.”
I looked away from him, back to the floor, nervously rubbing my hands together.
“Fia I’m just angry that you lied to me and you did the one thing I asked you not to do.”
His voice rang more stern, and the tone he used when he was getting ready to yell at his sons began to emerge in his words, I inhaled, he wouldn’t be able to keep it in any longer…
“HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID? I SPECIFICALLY TOL DYOU NOT TO GET INVOLVED WITH…”
I stood up and left, walked out of the room and ran up the stairs. I didn’t need this, not now, I heard him yelling after me, but I didn’t care, for once I didn’t care. I just wanted to rest, my brain ached, and too much had been opened up. Too many wounds had been made today.
I lay awake in the guest bedroom listening to Adi and Billie yell at each other downstairs,
“Billie you could have at least left it a few days! The poor kid…”
“She’s 23. She can handle it…”
“She’s 23 when it’s convenient for her to be for you. She’s only a kid when you want her to be too…”
“That’s not true!”
“It Is Billie Joe! When my sister died we said we would look after her like one of our own, come on Billie, she’s almost our daughter. Sometimes I wonder whether you still see her as a kid…”
“I do though; she’s too young to be messing around! And with Gerard Way! For god’s sake, the kid’s a mess…”
“They love each other.”
“No they don’t, she needs to find someone stable at least, someone who doesn’t top himself over a psycho bitch.”
There was a pause and I could imagine Adi folding her arms and taping her foot like she always did when she got annoyed at him…
“Billie, it’s happened, okay? They are in love, it’s too late. And he’s well; he’s alive which means that when he wakes up, they’ll want to see each other…especially after this letter.”
“That letter is stupid, words mean nothing and I WILL stop this, he doesn’t deserve her.”
“You think no one does! But you’re forgetting she likes him! You sound like my father…”
She mocked her father’s voice, “Adrienne Billie Joe is a musician they don’t have very stable prospects…”
“Yeah but you didn’t listen…luckily.”
“EXACTLY Billie Joe, if you ban Fia from seeing Gerard she’ll hate you and want him even more. Do you want that?”
“No.”
“Exactly and if he screws up, THEN you, Mike and Tre can go around there with sledgehammers.” There was a silence again as Billie thought about this. THANK God for Adrienne and her ability to wrap her husband around her little finger with the flutter of those eyelashes
“FINE! But I’m not happy about this and…I get the first punch.”