Out of Darkness

“Dear Shinya,

“Words cannot express how glad I am to be holding a letter from you! Things here at home have gone insane. I can’t find my way around anymore, because everything has been moved to make a change within the home. My parents have put us all in counseling, and they believe that this will help clear the air… I’m blind! I don’t want things to change! I don’t even know where my own bed is, I now have to feel around for it until I get used to the new placements of things!

“The counselor is horrible, too. There are times when he speaks to us each one-on-one, and we tell him everything in confidence. At least the first time, we did. I told him secrets I haven’t told anyone. The only person to know anything that I told him about was Shane, and he has been dead for years and years. In our next family session, he told them everything! I haven’t cried so hard in years, and to make things even worse, my mother won’t even speak to me. I can’t see her, her voice is all that I have to know that she is there when she isn’t holding me, and now that is gone! Brandon isn’t home, he left last week and hasn’t come home. I think he is tired of everything that is happening here, and Alex has been away visiting family in England for the last few days; he will be home in two weeks.

“The counselor also told them that I don’t need Achilles by my side at all times, and so they took him from me! He believes that to improve everything in our lives, we need to rid ourselves of anything that keeps us from relying on each other. To count things I now have to live without: My eyes, my friends, my family, all forms of music, fresh air, the scent of flowers, the feel of the rain, and now my dog. Shinya, I have never felt so alone since I first went blind. I’ve been crying for days, and none of this shit that this ‘doctor’ has been forcing on us, is working. My parents are still fighting, but now it is worse than ever.

“I want to leave, but I can’t. There isn’t anywhere that I can go! Alex isn’t answering his phone, and I’m getting worried about him. Do you think that something may have happened?

“I miss you all so much! If I could run to all of you to spend another evening listening to movies and being terrified by Die again, I would. In a heartbeat I would!

“Please be well, and take care of yourself! I’m worried about you, as well. Kyo told me that you have been a little bit off lately. He says that you have been having trouble with some of the new songs. He told me that you are under a lot of stress because of it. Don’t worry about missing the tempo here and there; you told me yourself making mistakes is a part of playing music. I’m sure everything will work out for you. Whatever you are going through, whatever is hurting you, it will all work out in the end I promise.

“As always I wish you only the best of luck and happiness! ~Tori.”

Shinya smiled as he read the letter, but felt a pang of sadness go through him as she wrote of her pain. What he really wanted was to go to her and take her away from that terrible life, and ease her pain. To give her as shoulder to cry on, and friend to talk to. A lover to hold her, and not miss her calls when she truly needs him. He wanted to be her knight in shining armor, and rescue her.

But he knew that he couldn’t do any of that. She was in love with Alex, the outgoing blonde bassist that loved to drink and party, and take her out for exciting nights of noise and laughter. Not Shinya, the quiet drummer that had little interest in getting completely trashed, or going to the parties that were so loud that he couldn’t hear her voice. They were completely different people. As caring and gentle as Alex was with Tori, and as much as he saw her as the treasure that Shinya saw her as, they were simply too different for him to compare to the blonde that claimed her.

“I can feel my heart breaking for her.” He sighed to Miyu, carefully putting his letter back into the black envelope and hiding it away with the others. He sighed again and looked out the window to watch the rain falling from the light clouds. His window was open, letting in the scent of fresh rain over blooming flowers and trees. The sun was shining through the clouds, creating a shimmer of light over everything that the falling water touched, and forming a rainbow deep in the sky, far from his house as he watched.

It truly was a beautiful sight. One that poets write about, and painters capture on a blank canvas. He smiled in irony as a young couple ran through the rain down the sidewalk, laughing hand in hand to get under the cover of the bus stop at the corner.

Though they were nothing like himself or Tori, they reminded him of what he wanted them to be. The man was smiling while pulling the small, shivering woman against him as they laughed in the rain. He laughed as she jumped away from him, pulling her already soaked boyfriend back into the rain as he shouted at her in mock anger.

With a sad smile he closed the blinds over the window and left the scene, unable to watch the happy lovers any longer, as they only sparked images of him and Tori. Fantasies of holding her close, feeling her body against his, hearing her laughing his name, seeing her smile. He thought of the joy of simply being the one to bring her that joy. But he wasn’t. Alex was.

He jumped when his phone rang, sucking him from his thoughts and plunging him back to reality.

“I have been calling you for half an hour! Where the hell are you?” Kyo demanded as soon as he heard Shinya’s voice through his phone.

“I’m at home.” The drummer answered while playing with a stray drumstick that was lying his desk.

“Why weren’t you answering your phone?”

“I didn’t hear it ring. Is something wrong? You seem agitated.”

“Yes there is something wrong! Do you know what day it is?”

“Wednesday?”

“Thursday!”

Shinya’s heart stopped as he quickly turned to the computer to check the date. Sure enough, his mind was a day behind, and that meant he was now a full hour late to be in the studio, and he hadn’t even left his house yet. Hell, he hadn’t even gotten dressed yet!

“Kyo, I am very sorry. Please forgive me, I will be there as soon as I can; I am leaving now.” He replied, sincerely feeling terrible for his mistake.

“It isn’t me that you need to apologize to. The only one who really deserves your apology would be Die; he covered for you to the management, and took responsibility for your absence.”

“I will thank him when I see him. Thank you for calling me; I will be there soon.”

Kyo shook his head and sighed, “Just get over here before Kaoru has a breakdown and kills you.” He muttered and hung up the phone. “He’s on his way.” He announced to the rest of the bad, receiving a few sighs of relief in response.

“On his way? Does that mean he hasn’t left home yet?” Kaoru demanded.

“He thought it was Wednesday.”

“He is taking this thing with Tori very hard… I understand losing your first crush is hard, but this is like the love of his life is cheating on him!” Toshiya ranted, “The man doesn’t even know what day it is!”

“This is more than a small crush, though. At first I thought he was just attracted to her, but I’m starting to believe that through the letters he has written and received, and the few times he has spent with her, he has fallen in love with her. More than a man interested in having her as his girlfriend, I think that Shinya really, honestly, has fallen in love. When he went for some air at dinner, I think that was when he was going to ask her to go out somewhere with him, but instead he found her and Alex together. If he is actually in love with her, then that must have completely shattered his heart.” Die explained, “I feel a little guilty for all of my jokes about it over the first couple of days.”

“And unlike Kyo, he can’t just write a new song and scream out his pain through our music; all he can do is try not to be reminded of her, but her passion is his in music. Just by playing our music he is reminded of her now.” Kaoru added.

“Then how can we help him?”

“We can’t.” Kyo answered bitterly, “She is with someone else, and that is how it is going to be.”

“You wanted her to be with him, too, didn’t you? You’re disappointed that she is with that blonde boy.”

“I’m disappointed that a friend of ours has to suffer so much.”

“Of course.” Kaoru nodded with a smile and waited for their drummer to finally show up.

As the day went on and Shinya was forced to focus on work, he was able to forget about Tori for a few hours. For a few hours he was pretty close to normal, and his friends were thankful for that, until Toshiya slipped and brought her up again. All it took was a question: “Should we invite Tori-san and Alex to our next show?” and Shinya’s heart split all over again.

Kyo hit him as they left the studio, noticing that silence was the only reply the emotionally injured drummer could offer. For the rest of the evening, the four musicians decided it was time for them to put their friendship to work for their hurting band member, and try their hardest to help him out of the depression he was clearly close to slipping into.

“You will have to let this go eventually.” Kaoru sighed as he and Shiny sat on a balcony of a club that Die had convinced them all to go to. Shinya wasn’t interested in the noise and drinking, but appreciated Die’s attempt to cheer him up.

“Yes, I know.” He nodded, looking out at the dark street below them, lit by neon lights and filled with the sound of drunken partiers making their way to their next drink, stumbling through the rain scented air.

“You could always try telling her, even if she is with Alex. If it would make you feel better, why not?”

“Because it doesn’t matter.”

“I know you don’t want the humiliation of confessing your love to someone who isn’t exactly ‘available’, Shinya, but look at yourself! You didn’t even know what day it was when Kyo called you, you were a full day behind and when you came in, and you still couldn’t focus on your drumming. I’m starting to see a slight loss of interest in you, and I’m getting extremely concerned.”

“Don’t be concerned. I won’t let the band down because of this. Once the new tour starts, I’ll be fine.”

“Don’t lie to yourself.”

“I’m not.”

“Then don’t lie to me!”

“What do you want to hear, Kaoru? The truth doesn’t seem to please you!”

“I want to hear that you will be all right, we’re worried about you! Losing Tori-san isn’t the end of the world, Shinya, it may seem like it now, but it isn’t! She is not fully lost to you, either. She is still there for you as a friend, and I know that she always will be. I’m warning you now, that if you let your pain from her relationship with Alex stress your friendship with her, you will not be the only one with a broken heart. And if you think you are hurt now, imagine how you will feel if YOU are the one to break her heart.”

Shinya was quiet for a long time before standing up and walking back into the club, leaving Kaoru on his own on the balcony. Kaoru took a deep breath and exhaled hard to vent his frustration, gripping the railing in front of him until his knuckles turned white until he calmed down enough to follow him and rejoin the others without worrying about snapping on his fragile friend.