Out of Darkness

Tori thought about Terachi Shinya her entire trip home, though she knew she could never talk to her family about it. They didn’t like her speaking to strangers out of fear that she could be taken advantage of, since she was unable to see anyone’s face to report if someone hurt her. They loved her dearly, but since the accident she had slowly grown to hate them sometimes. Ever since their little angel became their blind daughter, they had been very protective over her. Here she was, a grown woman of nearly thirty years of age, and had a curfew. Her younger brother, though, could do anything he wanted, because HE could see. For that alone she envied and resented him.

If she was honest to herself, she resented many things about him. When she could see, she wanted to become a drummer, but instead she was made to play piano. He, however, got a drum kit worth over one thousand dollars. She secretly learned to play the guitar from a friend of hers in high school, but that ended once she lost her sight. Her brother, the month she lost her sight, purchased a guitar and expensive amp, and learned to play that as well. Every time she heard him play, she wanted to punch him. Unfortunately she was often reminded of the fact, you can’t hit what you can’t see. She was resulted to threats, which do little good against the little brother who got everything.

All and all though, shortcomings, frustrations, insults and all, she loved them all and knew that they loved her as well, and only treated her this way because they cared about her.

“Achilles! Did you miss me? I missed you, too! Have you been good? Of course you have, you monster.” She laughed after walking into her home and being greeted by her very large, four legged, furry best friend. The dog let out a deep and loud bark before licking her from her chin to her hairline, and grabbing her cane in his mouth to tug her away.

“You’re late, Victoria! Are you all right? What happened, you’re never late.” Her mother fussed as Achilles walked her into the sitting room. “I’m fine, Mom. I got a little confused at the station, getting off at the wrong door. But I found my way home safe and sound. See?” she smiled before being thumped on the back of the head by her brother. Achilles barked twice at him, jumping over to stand between his master and her brother, interrupting any argument that could follow.

“Oh shut up, piece of shit dog.” He spat.

“Hey! Don’t treat Achilles like that; you know I can’t stand that! He’s a great dog!” Tori ordered, patting the beast of a dog on his head to calm him down.

“He shit in my room, again!”

Tori started laughing and walked to her room, not even needing her cane inside the house. Achilles was right behind her, jumping onto her bed with her as soon as she closed the door and flopped down.

“I feel like an annoyed twelve year old, Achilles.” She sighed, laughing as he took up her entire bed, and wrapped himself in her blanket, “Hey now, knock that off you cow! This is MY bed, you have your own!” she giggled, nudging him until she had room for the both of them.

“You know, I met a guy today. Not in the way that we will be going on dates, and fall in love or anything, I tripped him with my stick in the train station. He was so sweet, I almost feel like crying to think that I tripped him and knocked his belongings in the floor. What if I broke something?”

Achilles chuffed and started nosing her right where her neck and shoulder met, which was a very ticklish spot for her. “Okay, okay! I get it! Don’t dwell!” she squeaked, scratching him behind the ears. “You’re so beautiful. I don’t care if I can’t see you, you love no matter what, and you know how to cheer me up when I need it. You’re beautiful.” She sighed, “Even if you’re a fat hog that steals my entire bed.” She added and nudged him until she had more room to be comfortable, since the monster dog had moved again to take up two thirds of the surface.

“Victoria! Are you going to eat?” her father asked, knocking once before opening the door to her room.

“Not right now, I ate at the shop. I’ll find something later to eat if I get hungry.”

“We’ll leave a plate in the microwave for you.” He nodded and left.

“Sometimes, I wish I could just dig through the cabinets myself.” She grumbled and sat in silence until her brother started blasting his latest “project” for his drums, trying to learn to play Dir en Grey’s latest song. She wasn’t a big fan of the band, and hardly even liked their music. Not because the songs offended her, or she didn’t like the sound, but because her brother loved them so much, and THAT annoyed her.

“It isn’t fair, Achilles, I’ll never be able to learn to drum! I’ll never learn to play guitar… I’ll only play piano for the rest of my life. I didn’t even WANT to play piano!” she complained, feeling a few tears slide down from her eyes as he crawled up to lay his head on her chest, letting her wrap her arms around him.

“If I could see, I could get a proper job. I could buy my own drums, and I could learn to play them. I could buy a guitar, and play again… I could leave here and live my own life. Or just live, Achilles, I’d settle for just living.” She sighed painfully, and hugged him tighter until she finally fell asleep.

When she awoke again, it was nearly two in the morning, and even Achilles wasn’t willing to keep her company, as he wanted to be lazy and sleep in her bed. She slowly got up and made her way through the house to the door, not even bothering with lights since she didn’t need them anyway, and carefully stepped out onto the front porch to sit. She liked the feel of the cool night air, and the smell of the rain on the air. The porch was damp, meaning she had slept through the rain, but she could still smell and feel the moisture in the air and it comforted her. She tried to remember what the sky looked like after the rain, tried to picture a rainbow against the dark clouds, or the sun shining in puddles along the dirty ground, but none of it would come together for her.

“God, why? What am I supposed to do with these broken eyes?” she cried, resting her head against her knees as she wept. Her family believed that she had come to terms with her blindness, but the truth was, she could never fully come to terms with it. Even if it was twelve years ago, that was twelve years of endless darkness that she lived in. She didn’t even know what she looked like anymore. Her mother said her hair had gotten darker as she grew, and she was only seventeen when she lost her sight. She didn’t know how she looked in a grown woman’s body. Her brother often joked that she was “painfully virgin”, since she didn’t even know what boys looked like without clothes. She had seen them in swimwear, but never undressed. She hadn’t even seen her brother naked.

She would never let her family know that she had, in fact, lost her virginity in high school, the week before she lost her eyesight. “Don’t do that, you’ll go blind!” her grandmother had often said about having sex before she got married. She never thought it was true, and for the longest time begged God to forgive her for her mistake, but he never answered.

After a while of begging God for various blessings and forgiveness, and voicing her hopes, she ended up falling asleep on the front steps. Only to be awakened by the early morning mail delivery.

“Miss, are you all right?” the mailman demanded, lightly shaking her as she sat on the steps, slumped over, soaking wet and dressed only in her nightgown. “I’m okay.” She whispered, sitting up slowly and opening her eyes. The unique look of her broken eyes must have startled him, because he dropped their mail and jumped away from her as she closed her eyes again and stood to walk into her house. “Please, leave the mail in the box if you would.” She muttered and disappeared into the shadows of her still dark home.

“So, I’m going to another concert tonight with Yumiko and her brother. I’ll be back in a couple of days, since I’m staying with them.” Tori’s brother announced over breakfast.

“Aren’t you using the second ticket you got? What happened to that girl you were seeing?” their father questioned.

“She’s banging two other guys, so I left her ass.” He shrugged.

“Brandon, can I buy the ticket from you? I won’t stay with you and your friends; I’ll find a hotel or something. I’d really like to hear one of these bands live, instead of through the walls of my bedroom while you’re blasting the music insanely loud. They all sound really good, and I’d like to know how the musicians themselves sound.” She pleaded hopefully, but Achilles’ chuff and groan at her feet answered her question before her family could.

“I can’t take you, Tori, you’d get killed! How am I supposed to enjoy the show AND protect you from the pit? It’s too dangerous, and if we get separated, you can’t find your way back to us.”

“He’s right, Victoria, it isn’t a good idea.” Her mother agreed while her father made a sort of grunt that usually meant he was nodding.

“I’m almost thirty years old, you do know this, right? I’m not four! I have a job, and travel from here, to Tokyo, through the streets and crowded sidewalks, three times a week! I would work more, if you would let me out of the house once in a while! The ONLY time I leave is to go to work, and even then you want me to have a babysitter! But my BABY BROTHER can go out any time he wants, and do whatever he wants!” she snapped. These arguments weren’t uncommon in her house, but always ended in her sitting in her room talking to Achilles.

“Your brother isn’t blind, Victoria. He can take care of himself, you can’t! We just don’t want you to get hurt.” Her mother sighed.

“I’ll tell you what, there is another concert tonight, we’ll take you to hear it. Get you out of the house, hm? What do you think?” her father suggested.

“Dad, it’s a classical orchestra, isn’t it?”

“It gets you out of the house.” He shrugged.

“All right.” She smiled and stood to go up to her room, “I love classical anyway. Thank you!” she beamed and left the table to try and find something to wear.

“I’ve already put a dress out on the chair for you! It’s red.” Her mother smiled happily.

“That doesn’t help, I don’t remember what ‘red’ is. It looks like a rose right? … Whatever a rose is.” She joked and walked up to her room.

“It’s a flower, Tori!” her brother echoed after her, making her laugh a little.

“It isn’t the same, though. Red rose, red dress, blind woman can’t see any of them. Rock music, classical orchestra, they aren’t anything alike, but the blind woman shouldn’t know the difference, right Achilles? I’m blind not deaf.” She sighed and waited until time for her mother to get her ready.

First, she’d help her into that dress, and then she’d find a nice pair of flats for her to wear with it. Then she’d find some jewelry for her, and do her hair and makeup, and tell her how beautiful she looked. The entire time Tori would sit happily and let her mother work, knowing that it was breaking her heart that her daughter couldn’t see herself in all her beauty. She would never let her mom know that it broke her own heart just as much in the beginning, but she had to live with it now.

“Why red?” she sighed while her mother did her eye makeup, “And don’t waste your time on that, I’m wearing glasses anyway, remember?” she laughed.

“I know, but you’re so beautiful, and when I do your eyes like this, they look so gorgeous! And I picked red because it brings out the highlights in your hair, and it makes you look like a goddess.”

“But, it also brings out my eyes, doesn’t it?”

“Not so much, actually. And like you said, you’re wearing glasses.” She answered and kissed her forehead, “You’re so beautiful, Victoria.”

“You say that every time.” She smiled and stood up, reaching for her stick and patting Achilles on the shoulder as she walked by.

“Be good, you monster! No messes, no burglars, stay out of the trash!” she ordered, and followed her parents out.

The orchestra was brilliant, and breathtaking. The emotion she could feel in the music made her laugh, and cry, and the drums were like raging heartbeats of passion. The strings were in perfect harmony, as the brass rang out proudly over their soft elements under the echo of the acoustics in the room itself.

“Mom, what does it look like?” she whispered during a short break.

“The lights are up just enough to show the players, and reflects off the polished instruments like little sparkles here and there. There is a red headed woman on the bigger drums playing her heart out; I think she’s the only non-Japanese artist here. In case you’re wondering, the seats we’re sitting on are purple and silver, and the hall itself is like an old eighteenth century theatre.” She answered.

Victoria giggled happily and sat quietly through the rest of the show, letting her thoughts wonder through visionless imaginings. She could see, but at the same she couldn’t see what she was imagining. It was an experience she could only speak about with another blind person, who knew what she was trying to describe. All and all, though, it was magic to her. Live music to her was magic. The way it filled the air, and surrounded the listener, and took them wherever the musicians were when the song was created. The way the humans themselves could create such supernatural sounds, sounding perfected, even in error. She loved it.

When it was over, she wanted to weep. She had no idea until her father hugged her that she had actually been shedding tears through her despairing thoughts that she was now to return from the enchanted wonderland of sound, to her bedroom to hear her brother play the instruments she longed for, and her, unable to even play piano anymore.

“I’m all right. I’m just tired.” She smiled and let them lead her home, waiting to be the last to leave the hall. She was excited for the next day to come, since she had to work again and loved the shop she worked in. She especially loved the old man who owned it, and how kind he always was to her. To hire her, he made special arrangements to get a cash register with brail below the print on the keys, and added brail tags to each and every item in the store. Every door was labeled for her, and there was a different textured strip of tile on the walls of every room, to help guide her in the rooms that didn’t have doors.

He had told her that he purchased her a gift before she left last time, but it wouldn’t be in until her next shift. He promised that it was a worthy gift of thanks for her flawless service in his shop. She was his most valued employee, he said. “For the last two weeks, I’ve been your only employee.” She laughed in reply and hugged him. She knew that the Japanese weren’t that physical, but he started the hugging. She had a hard time with the bowing, since she couldn’t see the person she was bowing to. After he hugged her at the end of her third day, he told her that he would accept her hugs, since they were always warm and full of love and joy. That was the first time he made her cry, and she also joked that he loved to see tears behind her glasses, because he had a way of making her cry with his kind words.

“Brandon isn’t coming back tonight, right?” she asked as she and her parents walked through the door.

“Not tonight. He said in a few days. You know how he is.” Her father sighed. He hated the way her brother acted, but never said anything against it because her brother got everything he wanted.

“Okay. I was just wondering.” She sighed and went to bed, “Come, Achilles!”

“Don’t tell anyone.” She whispered while sneaking into her brother’s room and borrowing his guitar. It was electric, and heavy, but unplugged it was very quiet, and she knew that it was in tune. She quickly went back to her own bedroom and locked the door before sitting in the floor and trying to remember how to play the chords she had learned in high school.

Once she figured them out, and found some rhythm in the minor notes that surrounded her, she began to sing quietly a random melody that came to her mind, and before long the melody turned to words that drew tears in their truth and meaning.

“Achilles, you’ll never know how much it breaks my heart to know I’ll never actually learn to play this. More so that I will never drum, though.” She sighed, laying the guitar down on the floor before crawling into bed, dress shoes and all. “Goodnight.” She yawned and fell asleep, laughing when she heard him pick the guitar up by the strap and carry it into her brother’s room before trotting back and leaping onto the bed, crushing her beneath his affectionate weight.