Out of Darkness

It had been a month and a half since Shinya, or any other members of Dir En Grey, had seen or spoken to Tori. Brandon had taken Achilles back to Shinya after picking her up from Amagawa’s shop, but neither Tori nor Shinya wanted to speak to each other. He knew that something was up, but he didn’t know what it was. All he could tell was that they were both acting weird and it was pissing him off.

He still lived at home, which meant she now sat on her bed, staring ahead of her with a blank expression. Once again she wasn’t eating much, but this time it wasn’t out of protest. She was upset and losing her appetite. Their parents weren’t as bad as they expected them to be. They felt sorry for her that she had to go through that experience to understand that she needed to be protected. It wasn’t a lesson she wanted to learn, but now she knew that they were right. She wasn’t able to make it in the world.

Her books that Shinya had given her lay collecting dust in a stack on her desk. The letters lay forgotten in a box on the floor. Even the new letters that had been sent to her, written by hand from Kaoru, Kyo, Toshiya and Die, were unopened in the box beside the others. She didn’t want their pity. She didn’t even want to know about their pity for her. She was happy knowing that their success was continuing, and that they would be having fun on their tour, enjoying their lives as they always have. Shinya especially, deserved to be happy.

“Shinya, in every picture we have of you today, you look distant and unhappy. We only have half an hour left of this photo shoot, at least ACT like you are enjoying this! For our sake.” Kaoru pleaded as they stood in an indoor garden, full of cherry blossoms that put off their sweet perfume to fill every breath of air they took. To the others it was relaxing and beautiful, but to him it was heartbreaking.

“I know you are thinking of her, and what she has decided to do is for her to decide. If she cannot see that we wanted to be her friends, and that we care about her, then she doesn’t need us, Shinya. She doesn’t need You.” Die sighed.

“These are her favorite flowers. All of her soaps, lotions, and perfume smell like fresh cherry blossoms. I can’t help myself from thinking of her. I always thought that cherry blossoms fit her so well. She’s so gentle, and kind, and beautiful, and fragile. Like the blossoms themselves, so easily destroyed by the people who are not careful with her.”

“Shinya, look on the bright side, as upset as you are over this woman, the rumors of your sexuality can finally be put to rest.” Die teased.

“Did I do something wrong in my life to deserve this? To have the first woman I’ve loved turn me away without even a goodbye?” he asked desperately.

“Go take a break and get some air, Shinya. There’s water in the cooler over by the door.” Kaoru sighed, and watched as his friend disappeared into the twilight street behind the garden.

Shinya was able to take at least a few good pictures during their two-hour shoot, but not one member of his band was satisfied with them. They could see everything in them that the rest of the world couldn’t, and to them he still looked like someone had stabbed him in the heart.

“Brandon, do you have to play that so loudly? I have a headache.” Tori croaked as she stood in his doorway. He was blasting his favorite Dir En Grey track at its highest volume, and had been playing their music all day.

“Yeah, sure.” He nodded; turning the music off and watching her feel her way back to her bedroom. He knew she didn’t have a headache. She just didn’t want to hear their music anymore. He could hear her crying a few times, but knew that she would probably eat him alive if he stepped foot in her room to comfort her. She was very angry, and didn’t want ANYONE around her. Not even when he tried to bring her another letter from Die. Only two members of Dir En Grey were still writing to her. The others had given up on her. Die and Kyo were the only ones that still had hope of friendship with her.

With a tired sigh he broke down and opened Die’s letter, tracing his fingers over the brail print that was stabbed into the paper with a pen. He could see the ink on the edges of the holes. With his Print to Brail dictionary he translated the parts he still had trouble with, and felt his heart ache for his sister as he read Die’s words.

“Tori-san,

“I hope this letter finds you well. I hope that you are happy in your life, and that you receive everything you have ever wanted. I am very, deeply sorry that we as a band were unable to be the friends you wanted. I know that you are hurt, but I do not know what it is that we did wrong to hurt you.

“Shinya is deeply hurt by not being welcome by you any longer. He cares very much for you, but doesn’t know how to comfort you.

“We have written many letters to you and received no reply. We worry for you as much as we worry for him. You both seem wounded. I don’t know what it is that caused this, but I don’t have the strength to be there for both friends. I’m writing to you with a broken heart, because I never wanted to say goodbye. Shinya has been my friend for many years, and though I have made many jokes about him, he is my brother. I have to be there for him.

“I am sorry, Tori-san. So sorry that I now have tears in my eyes. I don’t want to end this letter, because I am afraid of hurting you more. I couldn’t live with myself if I simply left you from my life however. Please find happiness. If anyone in this world deserves happiness, it is you.

“Goodbye, Tori-san,

“Die.”

Brandon put his head on his desk and sighed heavily. She was TRYING to cut them out of her life. He knew it, because she did the same thing when she first went blind to all of her friends in school.

She was crying again. Sobbing was more the word to use. He could hear her gasping for air once in a while, and knew that she was trying to hide her tears. He read a few other letters that she had refused to take, all of them full of worried words and hope that she would be happy. All of them mentioning Shinya, and how much he cares for her, and that she shouldn’t be hurt by his actions. Whatever he did, he didn’t mean it.

“Ohh fuck me,” he groaned, letting his head fall with a hard bang against his desk as realization hit him. The drummer of his favorite band was in love with his sister, and she was cutting him out of her life because she loved him just as much.

“Oh what the fuck?! Why MY life?!” he whined and went to bed, lying with his pillow over his head to drown out Tori’s sobs, hoping to wake and have all of this be a really bad dream.