Out of Darkness

“Tori for the love of fucking god! Just eat the goddamn sandwich!” Brandon ordered while resisting the urge to slap her across the face with the peanut butter sandwich he had made her.

“I’m not hungry!” she snapped, and turned her back to him.

“You can’t see me, Tori. I WILL make you eat this sandwich if I have to soak it in veggie oil and cram it down your throat!”

“Brandon that’s nasty! Get the hell out of my room, I’m not eating it!”

Brandon sighed and stomped out of the room, throwing the sandwich at the wall as he passed the kitchen, letting it leave a peanut butter splatter before falling into the trash. She was falling back into the way she was right after losing her sight.

Back then, she wouldn’t talk to anyone, she wouldn’t eat, she was angry all the time and if she wasn’t angry she was crying. She had just lost her closest friends, and her boyfriend, and her entire world was falling apart.

Just like it was now.

“This is Brandon Death, Tori’s brother. Which member of the band is this?” he texted while sitting on the front porch. When he didn’t get a reply, he groaned and started typing out a new message.

“Tori is in trouble, and I need help. I’m worried she could be killing herself.”

Not five seconds after he sent his text did he get a reply.

“What happened, is she all right?”

“For now she is. Which member is this?”

“Die. What is wrong?”

“She’s falling into depression again. Something is hurting her, as much as the accident hurt her. It’s like she’s reliving it all over again! She won’t eat anything; it’s been three days since she took even one bite. She drinks maybe one glass of water, sometimes two if the hunger hurts too much for her. She only speaks to snap at me, and hasn’t made a sound to our parents in over a week. I’m worried about her health; last time she was put on suicide watch. This time, there isn’t a hospital to force her into a ward.”

It took three or four messages for Brandon’s entire answer to get through to Die, who took a breath of shock and sat down while typing his reply.

“What can I do to help her? She refuses to speak to any of us.”

“Die, who are you texting? I haven’t seen you so quick to pull your phone out before. What’s her name?” Toshiya asked, falling onto the couch in their little backstage suite after just getting off stage from the first show of their tour.

“Brandon,” Die muttered, staring at his phone until it buzzed, signaling the reply.

“Brandon?”

“Brandon Death, Tori-san’s brother.” He answered, sighing again when the answer only read “I don’t know, but I’m worried beyond words.”

Shinya’s attention was caught at the mention of Tori’s name, but he soon found himself overcome with anger, and left the room claiming to be sore after the first show and not being used to the performances yet. He would meet them at the hotel.

Die started reading the conversation aloud for the other members, trying to think of something that could help her, but none of them had an answer. She didn’t want them in her life anymore, and it would kill Shinya to have her in his.

“It seems that there is nothing we can do for her.” Read the message that made Brandon’s heart drop. They had completely given up on her, and she was going to kill herself be it slowly through starvation and depression, or something worse. He couldn’t think of another way to explain the situation, but knew that Tori would kill him for what he was about to do.

“What exactly does Shinya feel for my sister?”

“That is too personal. You can’t tell him the truth.” Kaoru warned before Die could even start typing his reply.

“Have you seen our drummer recently? He was distant during our performance, in agony for the photo shoots in the garden, eats only enough to keep him alive, and barely speaks a word to us! I don’t see a choice, Kaoru. Maybe we can help him, if we can’t help Tori.” Toshiya frowned.

“He’s right, Kaoru.” Kyo nodded.

While her brother texted Dir En Grey, Tori sat with her forehead and palm against her bedroom window, feeling the warmth of the summer sun against her skin. It was the closest she could get to looking at the world outside. More and more thoughts of the guys filled her mind, making her laugh as tears rolled down her face to drip onto the piece of paper she held in her hand, making the ink marks where Kyo’s pen had stabbed the words into the paper run.

One paragraph plagued her thoughts over and over, making more teas flow as she ran her finger over it each time, just to know that she wasn’t mistaken.

“He loves you, Tori-san. He would never tell you; he is too shy and afraid you would reject him. Shinya has loved you for a very long time, and was going to tell you the night we saw you play, but you were with Alex. All he wants for you is happiness, and love. I’m telling you this because I know that he won’t, and if he knows that I am telling you I’m not sure what he will do.

“Don’t take your pain out on him. Shinya is deeply in love with you.”

She shuddered with a jagged breath, reading it again before the letter slipped from her hands and fell to the floor. Her mind kept going back to the times he held her, keeping her safe in his comforting arms when she felt like her entire life was going to end. She only felt more pain knowing that her plan had worked and he would never be there for her again. All of Dir En Grey had left her life now. She knew because she finally broke down and started reading the letters, desperately missing all five members. Though none more than she missed Shinya.

She really was left with nothing now. Not love, nor the comfort of friendship of any kind. She felt wounded and left alone to bleed out as the world around her continued on without her. Dir En Grey’s tour was one of the most popular topics on the channels Brandon watched. On the Internet he watched interviews with them, and video promos, and she listened beside him just to hear their voices.

She regretted pushing her friends away in high school after she moved to Japan and they stopped writing. But she never wanted to take something back as much as she wanted to take back what she had done to her new friends.

Afraid to reply, or apologize, she pushed the stack of papers away and went to bed. She had no sense of time anymore, and spent most of her time lying in bed now. She would eat once in a while, but unable to see the sun, or hear the birds through a window that doesn’t open, it was impossible for her to know what time it was.

“She’s fallen into a depression. When she first went blind she cut everyone out of her life, and then tried to kill herself by pain medication that the doctor had given her. She’s back to the way she was twelve years ago.” Brandon sighed, now talking on the phone to Die, who had his on speaker for the rest of the band to hear.

“We will see what we can do, but if she doesn’t want us in her life, we can’t force our friendship on her.” Kaoru frowned.

“I know!” Brandon half whined, “That’s the problem! She DOES want you in her life she just… she’s afraid of getting hurt. Again.”

“What would we do to hurt her?” Toshiya questioned, saddened that Tori would even consider that happening.

“Reject her,”

“She wants us out of her life.” Kyo reminded.

“No, she doesn’t! Look, I know you said he just sees her as a very close friend, but my sister is in love with your drummer. Honestly, completely in fucking love with him! She would die if he hurt her the way Alex did. There have been three people she’s cared about like this. One died, one betrayed her, and she is chasing the third away so he can’t hurt her.” He explained, sighing with the knowledge that he had just told Dir En Grey his sister’s deepest secret.

Die sighed and looked up at his fellow band members, waving the phone in an exasperated gesture and giving a “WTF” expression while Kaoru pinched the bridge of his nose and took a calming breath.

“She’s in love with Shinya?” Toshiya demanded, staring blankly at the phone.

“More than she’s ever loved someone before. I know my sister, and believe me, she has never hurt so much over someone before. She loves all of you as friends, but it’s almost like she NEEDS him to be there for her… I don’t know, but she misses him. She says his name in her sleep sometimes. Not like she’s having a dirty dream about him, but like she’s calling him.”

“Brandon,” Kaoru sighed, “We need to meet with you and talk about this in person.”

“Why, are you upset because of the way she feels? Because she isn’t acting on it, she’s juts sad and afraid and-”

“You’re not in trouble for this, either of you.” He interrupted with a laugh, “It’s a shame one of you didn’t come out with this months ago.” He added.

“What are you talking about? I’m confused now.”

“Shinya was going to confess his love to Tori-san the night we saw her perform.” Toshiya explained, “he’s been in love with her for a very long time, and being rejected by her in this way is hurting him as much as it is hurting her.”

“All right, I’ll come by later. Text me when and where you want to meet, okay? I love you!” Brandon laughed and hung up the phone.

“What the fuck was that?” Kyo demanded.

“I have no idea,” Die muttered and closed his phone.

Tori lay on her bed, still as a statue, listening to her brother’s stereo once again. He had been on the phone with his new girlfriend for the past hour, talking about his fears of the depression she wasn’t falling into. She went to ask to borrow his earphones just as he hung up the phone, asking her to text him when their next date should be. After a short argument between the two she was left back in her room, without earplugs, and still silent.

Every time she fell asleep she dreamt of Shinya and the guys, more of Shinya than of the others, however. He was the one who always who held her when she cried. He was the one who was always willing to give anything to help her when she needed it. He was the one she had fallen in love with, and without him in her life she now realized how empty it was.

He brought light into her dark world, and she had just extinguished that lamp.

Shinya sat in a chair surrounded by his band members, listening to them tell him all about their conversation with Brandon. He shocked them all when he refused to see her. He was hurt and angry, and wanted very little to do with the blind woman who may as well have stabbed him in the heart.

“She has chosen this for herself. I tried to help her; she refused everything.” He answered, looking away from them and focusing on the world outside his window.

“Shinya, she’s dying.” Toshiya pleaded sadly, “She loves you, and misses you, and she NEEDS you now! You have her phone number still; call her and tell her that she will be all right!”

“I don’t want to hear her voice. I can’t.”

“Why not? Isn’t this what you wanted? For her to fall for you, and you be able to take and love her?” Die pushed.

“She broke my heart!” the drummer nearly yelled, though his voice wavered and betrayed him, showing the true nature of his emotions.

The band stood silent, understanding their friend’s position. He was trying to move on from a broken heart, and they expected him to go back. It wasn’t a fair request, even if Tori was dying. He had only just begun to heal, and his wounds were being torn open and cut deeper by his closest friends.

As Die and Toshiya left to drink to their success during the show, Toshiya got an idea to get Tori and Shinya together. Though it was more of a sarcastic remark than anything, Die seemed to like it.

“Why don’t we just lock them in a closet until they kiss and make up.”

“That would be a good idea, but I don’t think we could get away with it.” Die laughed, holding the door open for his friend as they stepped out of the building into the noisy city streets.

“Kaoru doesn’t have to know. We can just tell him that Shinya is in the bathroom. Or better yet! We will lock them in a bathroom so it won’t be a lie!”

“Toshiya,” Die laughed, shaking his head as they walked to the bar, “That is not going to work. Shinya and Tori-san will both be too awkward alone in a bathroom together. Most times when a man and woman are in a bathroom together, it is for something other than talk.”

“Yes I know that! But, she’s blind and won’t know she’s in a bathroom.”

Die just laughed with his friend and kept walking, looking forward to the drinks and relaxation before the tour really kicked into play. It would be another seven months or so before they could even get Shinya and Tori together anyway. And that was only a nine-day window of opportunity.