Out of Darkness

As months went by Victoria Death only fell deeper into despair. Her parents continued to fight, and their fights were becoming worse. Brandon dealt with it the only way he knew how: with loud music, and weeklong parties away from home. However the only way she could have dealt with her pain was to write to friends that were no longer there. Achilles was gone, living with Shinya, who she hoped still took care of him instead of sending him away because he was angry with her. Shinya, Die, Toshiya, Kyo, and Kaoru were all far from her life now, touring Japan and moving on with their lives. And Brandon, Brandon was the same as ever.

She was truly alone.

Her parents had ordered to go to a doctor two months ago, and she had been given anti-depressants to help her cope with what happened with Alex. They had no idea that the true pain was being caused by the rock stars that Brandon listened to constantly. Nor did they know that their fighting, and cruel words caused it. Her brother’s absence caused it. More than anything else, her heartache for Shinya caused it.

The pills did help to numb the pain though. She was able to smile a little bit more while taking them, and over the past two months had stopped crying as much each night while reading the letters she kept in a box beside her bed over and over. In time she planned not to read them at all. Over time. Now, she needed to read them. She needed to imagine hearing each word in the voices of her friends to comfort her.

Brandon was hiding out in his car, texting Toshiya’s phone to talk to Kyo, because of some confusing reasons that he couldn’t follow. The only member of the band that didn’t know about the plan for him and Tori to attend their next show was Shinya, and he seemed to be sick and unable to really hang out with the guys anyway. It was easy to keep a secret from him that way.

“He says he is worried about Tori-san, because she doesn’t seem to be herself while she is on the medication.” Kyo read aloud to Kaoru, who was fussing with his hair because only two sections refused to lay right. They were sticking out enough to make him consider wearing a hat for this interview.

“On the bright side of things, she and Shinya should be able to talk their problems through in a few days, and everything will be all right. If things go well, at least. Tell him not to worry, we will figure this mess out.” He answered, waiting for Kyo to type his reply and wait for Brandon’s.

“She smiles more, but it isn’t her smile. Our parents are happy with this, because she isn’t crying and they don’t care what happens to us as long as we seem happy.” He read.

“Are they still fighting?”

Kyo sighed and texted before sighing heavily and glaring at his friend, “If you want to text him you can; I don’t enjoy doing this messenger job.”

“Just read me his reply.”

“Yes they are still fighting. Worse than before; I hardly go home anymore.”

Brandon sighed after getting Kyo’s last text, demanding why he isn’t there for his sister, and started up his car, driving off to Yumiko’s. The truth was he was afraid to see her because he still tried to see her as the person she was before she went blind. He COULDN’T be there for her. He was too weak.

And in a few hours, he would be too drunk.

“How is Shinya doing? You said he is sick?” he texted, changing the subject.

“The only times I have seen him in the last three weeks were for a promotional video, rehearsal and sound check, and for the shows themselves.”

“Maybe he isn’t sick, maybe he’s just hurting still.”

“We will find that out in a few days, won’t we?”

“I suppose.”

“Who are you texting?” Shinya asked as he joined his friends backstage. He was a part of this interview, but didn’t want to go at all. He had no interest in being on camera in front of the entire country, and asked questions about his health. His health was just fine. It was his heart that was ill.

“Management.” Kaoru sighed, not wanting Shinya to know what was really going on.

“What do they want?”

“More requests about the interview.”

Shinya just nodded and sat down in the corner away from the other two, making both of them watch in concern as he leaned his head against the wall and closed his eyes. Obviously thinking about the blind girl that he didn’t know he would be seeing in the next few days.

The interview went flawlessly. Lots of questions were asked about the tour, and new album, comments about new hairstyles, and finally some concern to the drummer’s appearance. He looked exhausted, as if he hadn’t slept in days, though he did a very good job trying to hide it, it was still apparent.

“What’s bothering you, Shinya? You’re more distant than usual tonight.” Kaoru sighed as they rode in the elevator to the ground floor of the studio, on their way to the van.

Of course Shinya didn’t answer honestly. Everything was fine. As far as the fans knew nothing bad had ever happened, and he had yet to fall in love. The band knew about Tori but didn’t need to know how much he was hurting still.

They had a few days off before the show that would hopefully reunite Shinya and Tori. Shinya went home for the break, happy to have some time away from everything where he could relax in his house without stress. However everything there made him think about her, and there were many times that being home just made things worse.

The guys would call him to check in on him, but he would lie for their sake and eventually make an excuse to why he had to get off the phone. Achilles even seemed to see through him, as he spent more time than ever with his head in his lap, or bringing Miyu to him and putting her down on his chest as he lay in bed. He loved that Achilles seemed to care so much, but at the same time wished he would just leave him alone. If anything reminded him of Tori, it was her dog.

While Shinya lay in bed thinking about her, Tori was on the stairs in her home listening to her parents fight. This time was not like any of the others. This time her mother was crying, and begging, and her father was roaring insults and threats. Brandon wasn’t home; he hadn’t been home in three days.

Suddenly she realized what the fight really was about. Victor Death was leaving the family. She heard his bags downstairs and her mother only crying harder as the door opened.

She had no way of navigating the home without her cane, and tripped at least seven times while running to the door, calling after her dad and begging him not to go. She needed to know that she had a family, if she didn’t have anything else. She was losing too many things at once to keep herself from going under, and couldn’t lose him too.

“DAD! Dad please! Please don’t go, please, stay here!” she sobbed, catching him by the sleeve after falling yet again.

She held tight to his hands the second she felt them, still sobbing as he held her and hugged her. “I’m sorry Tori but this isn’t my family anymore.” He frowned.

“NO! Daddy, please,” she cried, burying her head in his shoulder, “What about me? I need you here! What did I do wrong?”

“Nothing, sweetheart, I’ll visit you I promise.” He assured, and pulled himself away from her. With that, he was gone and she knew it as his car pulled away and she was left on her knees sobbing for him to come back, while her mother cried at the kitchen table.

After a while of crying she went upstairs to her room, stumbling but not caring since she already had bruises from falling while chasing her father. She needed to take her meds, she remembered after knocking over the bottle on her bed that she hadn’t taken them yet. She couldn’t stand to listen to her mother cry anymore, so she turned up her brother’s Dir En Grey album and let it play as loudly as it would go, putting the album on repeat and losing herself in the sound of her former friends, and more importantly, the drums.

The album played all through the night, and into the next morning when she woke to the sounds of her alarm going off to remind her to take her meds that morning. She didn’t hear it going off the day before because she was listening to music with the headphones too loudly.

She took her usual dose of medication and made her way down to an empty house. Her mother had gone out. Her brother still wasn’t home. Her father was never coming back. Achilles was long gone. She was alone in the world right now, and it hurt. After making herself some breakfast she went back to her room, turning the music up even more and lying back on her bed for hours until it was time to take her evening meds. She almost forgot, since her alarm didn’t go off for them, but she counted the times the album played to know how many hours had passed and knew that it was time for her next dose. The meds numbed the pain but her usual dose wasn’t enough right now so she took a few extra. She wanted to make the pain stop completely, and there weren’t many options to ease her sorrow.

Shinya woke very early to the sound of his phone ringing. The sun hadn’t even tried to come up yet, and he was already forced out of bed. Achilles nudging his hand and whining convinced him to answer. Apparently the phone was annoying the poor dog.

The call was beyond urgent, and he could hardly keep air in his lungs as Toshiya explained to him why he was being called at 1:52 in the morning. Achilles trotted up and carefully put Miyu in his lap as he sat on the floor, leaned against the wall with the phone by his ear, shaking and struggling to keep his heart beating.

The tour was going so well, he never expected anything bad to happen to any of his friends. Now Toshiya was on his way to get him and take him to the hospital, because the doctors didn’t think that their friend would live.

“Shinya, listen to me. Put the harness on Achilles and bring him with you; we may be there for a long time. I’m sure Miyu-chan will be all right alone in the house for a few days.” Toshiya explained, still not telling him exactly what had happened.

When Toshiya got up to Shinya’s door, he was taken aback. The poor drummer looked like hell. More like hell than any of the other disheveled band members at least. His hair was uncombed, and he hadn’t bothered finding a nice outfit yet. His clothes were all still dirty from the tour so he was wearing his pajama pants and a nicer shirt.

“Are you ready to go?” he asked quickly, not taking too much time to look at his pained friend.

“I’ve been ready for twenty minutes, Toshiya.” Shinya muttered and walked out the door with Achilles following behind him to jump into the back seat with him while Toshiya rode up front with the driver.

As soon as they got into the hospital Toshiya took Achilles while Shinya went straight into the waiting room to see Kaoru sitting in a chair with his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. His hair was just as messed up as anyone else’s in their group, and his socks didn’t even match.

Die was wearing shorts and a red tank top, with sandals and had his hair tied back in a messy hold, sitting beside Kaoru with his head back against the wall and eyes closed as if he were sleeping, but it was obvious that he was very much awake.

“Where’s Kyo?” he questioned blankly.

“He’s been in the bathroom for the last half hour. I don’t think he’s handling this very well either.” Die muttered without opening his eyes.

“They said she tried to commit suicide.” Kaoru nearly whispered, his voice sounded terrible.

“Kyo, are you all right?” Toshiya questioned as the singer stumbled into the waiting area and collapsed into the nearest chair.

“She was listening to our music when she took the pills,” he answered, “I feel like this is our fault.”

Shinya only nodded and found a place to sit, however it was only a few minutes before Brandon came walking back into the room with a blank and unreadable expression.

“Can we see her?” Kaoru asked quickly.

Brandon only nodded and collapsed into the chair beside Kyo while Kaoru, Die and Toshiya started making their way for the door.

“Is Tori-san all right?” Shinya asked softly, almost afraid to move.

“I don’t know… they said to be prepared in-incase… incase we have to s-say goodbye.” Brandon answered, choking back sobs.

“Come on, Shinya, we need to see her soon incase something does happen.” Kaoru pushed, and held the door for him and Kyo.

Tori looked completely tiny as she lay in that bed, hooked to machines that were meant to keep her alive. She didn’t answer when Die softly called her name, or smile when Toshiya made a joke about the room looking like a blind person decorated it. She just lay there in the bed, seemingly lifeless.

Achilles was excited to see her, and wanted her attention very badly, but when she wouldn’t respond he let out the most heartbreaking whine and rested his head on her arm, continuing to whine at her as if he knew that she could die very soon.

“Tori-san,” Kyo muttered, placing his hand on her shoulder and not knowing what else to say.

“Shinya came to see you, Tori-san. He is right here beside Kaoru.” Toshiya smiled sadly, deep down hoping that small bit of information would be enough to wake her.

She didn’t even move.

“Tori-san, I very sorry if we have hurt you.” Kaoru muttered. The combination of being tired, upset, guilty, and terrified that she was going to die in front of him made his voice sound far deeper than normal. “When you never returned our letters, we thought that you didn’t want our friendship anymore. Perhaps if we had not been so quick to abandon you, this wouldn’t have happened. If I had taken more care and thought to you and your life, this may not have happened.”

“It isn’t your fault, Kaoru, we all though the same thing.” Die nodded without taking his eyes off of Tori until he heard the door behind them close. Looking over their shoulders they noticed that Shinya was no longer beside them.

“Even now he doesn’t want to see her? Has he completely given up on her?” Kyo demanded, glaring at the closed door.

“I don’t think that is why he left. Now may be too painful for him to see her. She is dying. It breaks all of our hearts; I am sure it breaks his more.”

Outside the room Shinya was walking quickly through the halls, searching for an exit. He didn’t want to be in the white rooms any longer. He just needed to go home and get some rest, and when he woke in the morning he would have one photo shoot to do, and then in two days he would have the tour going again.

Tori would be all right. There wasn’t any possible way that she could die. She wouldn’t leave her life. There had to be something for her to live for, but the more he thought about it the more he realized that she was losing everything worth fighting for. If she had something to live for, she wouldn’t have taken those pills in the first place.

Tears streamed down his face as frustration set in and he collapsed beside a vending machine, only to have Kaoru come jogging over to sit beside him only half a minute later.

“What is wrong?” he asked, though already knowing the answer.

“I can’t find the exit!” the drummer answered through gritted teeth.

All right, so perhaps the bandleader didn’t know the answer to everything.

“Why are you laughing?!” Shinya snapped, looking up at Kaoru with an expression that he had never seen from him before.

“I didn’t mean to. It was only that I didn’t expect you to be upset over the exit that is only feet from us.” He explained, “Shinya, I have faith that she will pull out of this. She is strong, we have seen it in her.” He added firmly.

“Are you saying that because you don’t want to admit she could die?”

“Possibly… it is very painful to see her like this. However I do have faith that she will survive. Faith and hope, and fear that I may be wrong.” He answered honestly.

Shinya was silent for a very long time, just thinking over every possibility before finally opening his mouth again, though his voice was just barely above a whisper.

“What should I do?”

“The same as we all must do now. We will be there for her, and for her brother, until this dark time passes. And then we will be there to help them recover, and take back our decisions to leave her life. As Toshiya said earlier, she is going to have us in her life, it doesn’t matter if she wants us or not.” He answered, trying to joke a little to lighten the mood, “Don’t let your pain decide your actions now, Shinya. Do what you know you must, even if it hurts; she needs your love now to remind her that there is still something here for her.” He sighed.

Shinya only sighed and stood up slowly before making his way to the door.

“Call me when you are home. I couldn’t manage losing two friends at once.” Kaoru frowned deeply, but the drummer didn’t hear him as the door closed and he disappeared into more white halls of the hospital.