He's Not a Boy That You Can Change
One of One
“You’re beautiful, you know that?”
His breath was warm on her ear, sending electrifying tingles all the way down to her toes and she released the breath she had been holding. The air around them was thick with desire.
“You always say that Ryan,” she whispered.
“Yeah,” he said, pushing a few loose strands of her blonde hair out of her face. “And I always mean it, Z.”
She smiled before leaning forward to kiss him softly. They were always like this; Ryan ever so charming and romantic and Z doubting everything, though not always out loud.
Their relationship was like a game they played. At night, after a few drinks, if anyone saw them together they’d think that they really were together and in love. They’d head to Z’s apartment and fall into bed, limbs tangled and lips pressed messily together. But Ryan always snuck out before the sun rose. Z would wake up, but she’d pretend she was sleeping. She always saw him leave, and she always wished that just once that he would stay.
They had discussed their relationship together once and had decided that they weren’t meant to have a real relationship. Or at least Ryan had decided that; Z had just agreed.
When they had first begun with this thing, Z had been fine. She was fine when Ryan snuck out and she was fine with the fact that he only told her she was beautiful when they lay awake in her bed.
But now Z noticed that things had begun to change. When Ryan snuck out in the morning, she felt this creeping feeling of sadness start to come over her and she’d feel lonely as she lay awake in her bed and watched the sun rise. She started to not believe Ryan now when he said she was beautiful. She wasn’t sure if he actually meant it anymore.
She wasn’t happy with their relationship, but she knew that he’d never want to just settle down with her and make their relationship official. So she kept up with the façade that she was fine with things. And he believed that she was happy.
---
She often thought about leaving, which often led to thinking about whether or not Ryan would care or not. He probably wouldn’t even stop her.
So for a while, she forgot about leaving and forgot about the lies and just enjoyed the intimate moments that she was able to share with Ryan. But it wasn’t long before those hidden feelings started creeping back into her mind. And it wasn’t much longer until she was voicing some of those feelings in the middle of the night.
“Do you ever think about settling down?” she asked. He released a light sigh and she knew she shouldn’t have asked.
“I’m sorry, Z,” he said quietly. He sat up in her bed and she knew he was probably going to leave. “It’s just not something that I want.”
“I know,” she whispered after a minute.
“If you can’t do this anymore, just tell me though,” he said and he climbed out of bed, picking up his clothes and putting them on.
“No,” she said. It was now her turn to sit up. “I still want to keep doing this.”
She could see him smile at her through the dark. He leaned down and kissed her softly.
“Things are just easier this way,” he said. And then he was gone and Z felt lonely again.
She thought about leaving.
---
She was running late. She was supposed to meet Ryan at their usual hangout at their usual time but she had been busy that day and for the first time she was going to be late. Her cell phone had died and she hadn’t had time to charge it so she couldn’t even let him know that she was on her way.
But when she got there, she wished she had just not shown up at all. She could see Ryan seated at the bar where they usually sat, obviously flirting with some pretty girl that wasn’t her.
And it was in this moment that it finally hit her that Ryan didn’t want to be just hers. She had always had doubts and even though he had always said he didn’t want a serious relationship, Z had always hoped that he would change his mind. But it was this moment that proved that he wouldn’t ever change.
She eventually turned and left the bar, walking slowly back to her apartment. It was during this walk that she decided that she really did want to leave and move somewhere new. She wanted to get away from Ryan because she would always want to be involved with him in some way even though it hurt and she knew that she just didn’t want to live that way.
---
She had told her landlord that she was moving out of the apartment in a week and she had called some friends she knew and had set it up so that she could stay with them till she found her own apartment in New York City. She’d always wanted to try living there and now she had her chance.
The night before she was leaving, there was a knock on her door and she wasn’t surprised to find that it was Ryan. She invited him in and he looked around the now unfamiliar living room; boxes full of her things were stacked around the room.
“So, you’re really leaving?” Ryan asked.
“Yeah,” she replied. This already felt awkward; she didn’t like it. It was silent for a minute as Ryan just kind of stood there looking around the room before looking at her.
“I’m going to miss you,” he said. She didn’t believe him, but smiled anyways.
“I’ll miss you too,” she said. “I just need a change, you know?”
Ryan nodded his head.
“I got you something,” he said, holding up a nicely wrapped rectangular gift. She hadn’t even noticed he was holding it until he held it up.
“Thanks,” she said, taking it from him. She didn’t open it and there was that awkward silence again.
“Well,” he said. “I guess I should go.”
He stepped forward and pulled her into a hug.
“It’s not going to be the same without you, Z,” he said. He let go of her and stepped away. “Good luck though.”
She didn’t say anything and watched him leave her apartment. A minute later she looked down at the thin gift she was still holding in her hand. She unwrapped it carefully, the gift wrap dropping to the floor to reveal a simple silver picture frame, a photograph of Ryan and Z displayed beneath the glass. She felt tears spring to her eyes as she looked at how happy they had been—how happy she had been.
She wanted to unpack everything and stay right there. To run after Ryan and tell him how she felt.
But she didn’t.
She knew this picture didn’t change everything that had happened, or change Ryan for that matter. She knew if she stayed she would decide she’d want to leave again soon enough.
She put the picture in its frame inside of a box that was open in front of her.
One day she’d come back, when she was braver, and find Ryan to tell him how she felt. And maybe by then he’ll have changed. But she doubted that.
His breath was warm on her ear, sending electrifying tingles all the way down to her toes and she released the breath she had been holding. The air around them was thick with desire.
“You always say that Ryan,” she whispered.
“Yeah,” he said, pushing a few loose strands of her blonde hair out of her face. “And I always mean it, Z.”
She smiled before leaning forward to kiss him softly. They were always like this; Ryan ever so charming and romantic and Z doubting everything, though not always out loud.
Their relationship was like a game they played. At night, after a few drinks, if anyone saw them together they’d think that they really were together and in love. They’d head to Z’s apartment and fall into bed, limbs tangled and lips pressed messily together. But Ryan always snuck out before the sun rose. Z would wake up, but she’d pretend she was sleeping. She always saw him leave, and she always wished that just once that he would stay.
They had discussed their relationship together once and had decided that they weren’t meant to have a real relationship. Or at least Ryan had decided that; Z had just agreed.
When they had first begun with this thing, Z had been fine. She was fine when Ryan snuck out and she was fine with the fact that he only told her she was beautiful when they lay awake in her bed.
But now Z noticed that things had begun to change. When Ryan snuck out in the morning, she felt this creeping feeling of sadness start to come over her and she’d feel lonely as she lay awake in her bed and watched the sun rise. She started to not believe Ryan now when he said she was beautiful. She wasn’t sure if he actually meant it anymore.
She wasn’t happy with their relationship, but she knew that he’d never want to just settle down with her and make their relationship official. So she kept up with the façade that she was fine with things. And he believed that she was happy.
---
She often thought about leaving, which often led to thinking about whether or not Ryan would care or not. He probably wouldn’t even stop her.
So for a while, she forgot about leaving and forgot about the lies and just enjoyed the intimate moments that she was able to share with Ryan. But it wasn’t long before those hidden feelings started creeping back into her mind. And it wasn’t much longer until she was voicing some of those feelings in the middle of the night.
“Do you ever think about settling down?” she asked. He released a light sigh and she knew she shouldn’t have asked.
“I’m sorry, Z,” he said quietly. He sat up in her bed and she knew he was probably going to leave. “It’s just not something that I want.”
“I know,” she whispered after a minute.
“If you can’t do this anymore, just tell me though,” he said and he climbed out of bed, picking up his clothes and putting them on.
“No,” she said. It was now her turn to sit up. “I still want to keep doing this.”
She could see him smile at her through the dark. He leaned down and kissed her softly.
“Things are just easier this way,” he said. And then he was gone and Z felt lonely again.
She thought about leaving.
---
She was running late. She was supposed to meet Ryan at their usual hangout at their usual time but she had been busy that day and for the first time she was going to be late. Her cell phone had died and she hadn’t had time to charge it so she couldn’t even let him know that she was on her way.
But when she got there, she wished she had just not shown up at all. She could see Ryan seated at the bar where they usually sat, obviously flirting with some pretty girl that wasn’t her.
And it was in this moment that it finally hit her that Ryan didn’t want to be just hers. She had always had doubts and even though he had always said he didn’t want a serious relationship, Z had always hoped that he would change his mind. But it was this moment that proved that he wouldn’t ever change.
She eventually turned and left the bar, walking slowly back to her apartment. It was during this walk that she decided that she really did want to leave and move somewhere new. She wanted to get away from Ryan because she would always want to be involved with him in some way even though it hurt and she knew that she just didn’t want to live that way.
---
She had told her landlord that she was moving out of the apartment in a week and she had called some friends she knew and had set it up so that she could stay with them till she found her own apartment in New York City. She’d always wanted to try living there and now she had her chance.
The night before she was leaving, there was a knock on her door and she wasn’t surprised to find that it was Ryan. She invited him in and he looked around the now unfamiliar living room; boxes full of her things were stacked around the room.
“So, you’re really leaving?” Ryan asked.
“Yeah,” she replied. This already felt awkward; she didn’t like it. It was silent for a minute as Ryan just kind of stood there looking around the room before looking at her.
“I’m going to miss you,” he said. She didn’t believe him, but smiled anyways.
“I’ll miss you too,” she said. “I just need a change, you know?”
Ryan nodded his head.
“I got you something,” he said, holding up a nicely wrapped rectangular gift. She hadn’t even noticed he was holding it until he held it up.
“Thanks,” she said, taking it from him. She didn’t open it and there was that awkward silence again.
“Well,” he said. “I guess I should go.”
He stepped forward and pulled her into a hug.
“It’s not going to be the same without you, Z,” he said. He let go of her and stepped away. “Good luck though.”
She didn’t say anything and watched him leave her apartment. A minute later she looked down at the thin gift she was still holding in her hand. She unwrapped it carefully, the gift wrap dropping to the floor to reveal a simple silver picture frame, a photograph of Ryan and Z displayed beneath the glass. She felt tears spring to her eyes as she looked at how happy they had been—how happy she had been.
She wanted to unpack everything and stay right there. To run after Ryan and tell him how she felt.
But she didn’t.
She knew this picture didn’t change everything that had happened, or change Ryan for that matter. She knew if she stayed she would decide she’d want to leave again soon enough.
She put the picture in its frame inside of a box that was open in front of her.
One day she’d come back, when she was braver, and find Ryan to tell him how she felt. And maybe by then he’ll have changed. But she doubted that.
♠ ♠ ♠
Comments are appreciated!~Sally