What If The Only Way Out Is To Die?

He hits me in the face with the back of his hand. I can feel it burn in pain and I’m sure my bottom lip is split, I can feel warm liquid dripping down my chin. I back up, scared, I know he’s gonna hit me again. He follows me, looking furious.

“Don’t touch me!” I try to sound not scared but he only snorts and brutally pushes me against the car.

“Alyssa!”

“No,” I try to push him away but he’s too strong. His body is squishing me against the car and I can’t move him at all.

“Lyssa! Wake up,” he shakes me hard, his fingers around my shoulders are hurting me.

“No! Don’t,” I beg, trying to hold back tears but they don’t listen to me anymore and spill over.

“Lys, baby, it’s okay, it was just a bad dream. No one is hurting you as long as I’m with you,” Ricky soothes me, holding on to my fidgeting body.

“Ricky?” I say, realizing at last that the person in front of me is changed. I entwine my arms around his waist and feel relieved that it all was just a nightmare.

“Shh baby, it’s okay,” he whispers, hugging me even closer to his warm body. I realize that I’m hyperventilating and can barely breathe.

Minutes later, when I’m calmed down a bit, Ricky pulls away. Cold air against my skin makes me panic again.

“Don’t go,” I crumple his shirt in my palm, afraid that he’d leave me if I let go.

It was a bad idea coming back here. I knew that all these memories will get back to me from running away. I just didn’t believe it could be that painful. I can’t take this hell alone.

“I’m not going anywhere,” Ricky assures me. Somehow he manages to sneak out of his clothes without standing up or pushing my hands away and climbs under the covers next to me. He pulls me against his chest and stuffs the blanket closely around my still shaking body.

“Good night, Lys,” he leans his cheek against my head, his arms tightly around me.

I have to admit that Ricky makes me feel really secure. It feels like he could even keep the bad dreams away. And his skin is so warm and smooth.

I try to pretend that I’m back at my aunt’s house, in the bedroom that’s now mine. Holding Ricky in my arms feels so much different than a pillow I’m used to hug but somehow I manage to find that familiar homey feeling and I drift off to sleep again.

I wake up some hours later, shivering from cold, but I’m too comfortable to move myself. Instead of opening my eyes, I try to sense whats around me. Someone’s warm body underneath my cheek reminds me what happened yesterday. Now I really don’t wanna wake up. But my brain has a mind of it own and it refuses to shut off again.

Unwillingly, I open my eyes, gliding them over Ricky’s bare chest, down to his waistline, which is barely covered by the sheets. Tattoos on his stomach seem so inviting to me and I can’t resist my fingers as I gently stroke over the outlines of a beautiful skull, moving on to the bat next to it.

Ricky shudders for a moment and I quickly pull my hand pack.

“It tickled,” he takes my hand and sets it back onto his bare stomach, all the while keeping his eyes shut.

Now, when I’m more awake, such intimacy seems a bit too much for me. After all, we are always fighting with each other. It feels weird to act like we have something more between us than there really is.

“Lys, I know that you don’t believe me, but I do care about you. And right now, you need a shoulder to hold on. I wanna be that friend who supports you and helps you through this tough moment. Even if it’s just as long as we get back home. I promise that if you want, we can then continue our fighting and bickering,” Ricky says seriously, just like he sensed my hesitation.

I know he’s right. At the moment, I do need a friend more than just someone who’s driving me insane. Finally giving up, I notice my fingers sliding over his skin again. Sighing, I pull my hand away again and turn on my back. I really have to start controlling myself.

“Oh, I almost forgot. I can finally go to bathroom, now than you’re up. My bladder is killing me,” Ricky jumps out of the bed.

“Then why didn't’t you go sooner?” I laugh, watching his retreating back. He has only his boxers on and I have to admit he doesn’t look bad.

“You were holding on so tight, I didn’t wanna wake you,” he looks back from the bathroom door, a sly smirk on his lips.

My phone starts to yell at the next moment, startling me from my thoughts.

“Hey, Sam,” I see my brother’s name flashing on the screen.

“Hi, Alyssa. Are you ready? I’ll pick you up shortly,” he talks, not wasting any time on getting to the point.

No matter how much I’d like to postpone it, I know that eventually I still have to go to the cemetery. Might as well get it over with. At least now Sam would be there with me.

“Sure. Hey, could you bring me a McChicken with fries and a Vanilla Shake. And some painkillers,” I sit up, pushing my hand through my messed up hair.

I have a bad craving for a chicken burger and it only means one thing, I’m becoming sick. But what else can you expect after freezing myself half dead last night.

“What the hell were you thinking, running off like that?” Sam demands. From the tone of his voice, I can say he’s madder than he lets out. He knows too what McChicken means.

“I don’t know,” I mutter quietly. Now I realize how stupid that act was, but I just wasn’t thinking clearly yesterday. I just had to get away from there.

“Do you realize that you could be dead by now if your friend hadn’t found you!” he almost yells at me, barely keeping himself under control.

“I wasn’t thinking yesterday, okay! I just had to get out. I couldn’t take it any more!” I yell, feeling my eyes get wet again. In the mix of sorrow and anger, I throw my phone at the wall. Today’s gonna be much worse than I thought.

“Hey! What did I do now?” Ricky’s stunned voice brings me out of my thoughts.

I raise my head, seeing him standing near the bathroom door, my phone in his hand. It seems that he was right in the way and that he even managed to catch my poor phone.

“I’m sorry!” I say, unable to hold back my tears, a quiet sob escaping my lips.

I hide my face behind my knees, squeezing myself to a ball. Moment later I feel the bed move, as Ricky sits next to me and pulls me to his arms.

“You know Sam cares about you. He doesn’t wanna lose you too. At first, I’d be mad too if my sister would run around the town, half naked, in the middle of a blizzard. Just give him time to calm down. He’ll understand what you feel eventually,” he tries to calm me, wiping away the tears on my cheeks.

How did he know it was Sam? But if I think about it this way, he’s right. I’d be mad too.

“How did you know where to look for me?” I move away from him, wiping my hands over my face.

“Does it matter?” he looks a bit funny at me, his eyes registering my every move.

“No, it doesn’t,” I say, after thinking for a moment.

What matters is that he found me. Without him I’d be a frozen squirrel on some park bench. Thanks to him I’m still here, I’m still alive.