Golden Because We're Alive

“You like Italian, right?” asked Tyler as he parked the car.

The car ride had been filled with mindless chatter. The idea of actually eating surprised me. He had invited me out to lunch, but that didn’t seem like itw as really going to happen until just now. I thought over the foods that I liked and didn’t like.

“Yeah, I love Italian,” I told him.

We got out of the car and walked into the restaurant. The hostess took us to a table near the window. As she walked away, I felt more alone with Tyler than I had in the car. The more time we spent together, the more it felt like a date. Though I had said that it wasn’t, maybe it really was.

Our waiter came to take our drink orders, and I smiled hoping that this was the moment that it wouldn’t be awkward. The waiter didn’t do as I had hoped which was provide some mindless little bits of talk and break the ice. The waiter came and went, and I was alone with Tyler again. I watched him read the menu then went over it myslef. He closed the menu as I made up my mind to just go with spaghetti. Simplicity would make me more at ease.

“Any siblings?” inquired Tyler. Apparently this lunch was to get to know each other. I had just imagined it being eating in an awkward silence then going home to smoothe things over with my boyfriend.

“My older brother is in college. It was only us,” I told him. “His name is Timothy if you were wondering.”

“Does he go to school here in town?” asked Tyler as a thing of garlic bread was put on the table. I took a roll.

“No, he’s down in Nashville at Vanderbilt,” I answered. The two people I was closest to in my family lived in Nashville: my cousin and my brother. She had only lived there for a few years after living out in San Francisco, so she was closer now. I just missed her since we barely ever spoke anymore.

“Cool,” he said. That topic died on us. I didn’t know what else we would really talk about. There were obvious topics like hockey and his life, but I wondered if he had anything he really wanted to talk about.

Tyler and I ordered our food as the waiter came back. That broke the silence for a minute. This was more awkward than I had really pictured it being. I wondered what Adam and them were doing for lunch without me. I wished I had picked them now.

“I love coming here,” said Tyler. We were apart from the rest of the customers. I wondered if he was used to that when he came, too. The distance made me feel alone.

“I’ve never been here before,” I told him. He raised an eyebrow at that. “What? I normally eat at the restaurant Rachel’s parents own or at different fast food places.”

He laughed at that. It was true. Food that wasn’t prepared at home normally came from the Pub or McDonald’s. My life was better suited for going ot the McDonald’s less than a mile from my house than to some Italian restaurant in the heart of downtown.

“You didn’t seem like you wanted to go with Adam,” commented Tyler. I wasn’t sure what to say. If he didn’t think I wanted to go to lunch with Adam, I wondered what he, Adam, was thinking of the whole situation.

“I was more interested in coming to lunch with you,” I admitted. “If I tell you something, will you swear not to laugh or tell anyone?”

“Fine. I swear not to laugh or tell anyone what you’re going to tell me,” said Tyler. He was already trying not to laugh. I knew the not laughing thing wasn’t going to work. I was certain that he would be more likely to laugh in my face than to be able to keep a straight face.

“Well a lot of my hockey friends and I have discussed the players that we have crushed on, and you’re the one I always end up thinking of,” I said. I couldn’t make any eye contact while saying it. Once I finished, I lifed my eyes to meet his, and to my surprise, he wasn’t laughing. The smile on his face made me feel less embarrassed for saying anything.

I struggled to think of anything else to say to change the topic away from what I had just said. He looked at me as I opened then closed my mouth. This lunch went from slightly awkward to unpleasant in a matter of moments. I shouldn’t have said anything. Then I wouldn’t feel like I was being completely unfair to Adam.

Our waiter brought our food back out to the table and smiled at us. I ate the food slowly watching Tyler as he ate since I was wondering what was going through his head. The food was just there to fill the space on the table and in our stomaches instead of doing anything more useful.

We finished eating and sat there staring at each other. Tyler made eye contact, and the two of us sat there basically having a staring contest. I blinked before looking away from him. I didn’t want to sit there staring at each other for too long. I wondered if it would have been easier for me to have just gotten up and leave, but I didn’t want to leave him there.

“I’m glad I’m your hockey crush,” he whispered.

I wondered if he was just saying that. Tyler could have been saying things to make me feel better about everything like I figured he was when he told me he remembered me. I looked away from him then back and saw that he was blushing. It made me want to just lean across the table and kiss him, but like I had said to him, it wasn’t a date, and I wasn’t going to cheat on my boyfriend.

“Emily, if you weren’t dating Adam, would you call this a date?” he asked me. “Because before I found out you had a boyfriend, I was hoping it would be.”

I could feel my cheeks heating up. I smiled at him. The waiter brought us our check, and we got ready to leave. Tyler and I didn’t really say anything to either on the way back to my house, but when he stopped the car, I leaned over and gave him a quick kiss. I figured it wouldn’t do any harm since there was no one around to see it. I’d tell Adam about it eventually, and everything would be okay.

“I can’t wait to see you again, Tyler,” I told him as I got out of the car. “Go take your nap and win a game.”

“Same, Em. I’ll call you soon,” he said as I closed the door.

I closed the door to his car and looked up at the house. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach when I saw Adam sitting in the porch swing staring at me. He had just seen me kiss another boy, and this was not going to be a pleasant moment.