Kill All Your Friends.

I'd entered the flat silently in the hope that Gerard may have finally fallen asleep, it seemed like he had been awake for weeks just wandering around our dirty flat.

I know it's hard to feel like I don't care at all.

My hopes crashed painfully to the floor as I stepped into the living room and spotted the bottle of vodka that had spilt onto the couch, I was stupid to leave him alone. We knew something like this was going to happen yet we leave him alone for hours on end every day. 

How are you when I'm gone?

I picked up the bottle, tipped the remaining contents down the sink and twisted the lid to a tight close. I stood by the sink for a moment, trying to remember all of Gerard's hiding places. Mikey's bedroom, my closet, the washing basket, the bath. He hadn't hid in the bath for weeks, Mikey made sure to leave small amounts of water in it every morning before he left. 

He hadn't had a bath this morning though. 

I groaned inwardly and stalked silently toward the closed bathroom door, I twisted the handle ever so quietly, pushing the door open a crack so I could peer in. My heart stopped beating as my eyes rested on Gerard's pale figure watching himself in the mirror, my feet refused to move and I couldn't tear my eyes away from the razor he pressed to his delicate skin. 
"Oh, Gerard, what are you doing?" I hushed, the razor immediatly dropped to the floor and he turned to face me. There were no tears welling up in his eyes, no regret in his features, just Gerard looking straight at me with blood seeping from the single deep wound he had made on his own skin.

I'll wait for you, but I can't wait forever.

Crimson blood dripped to the stone floor between us, I wanted to throw myself forwards and wrap my arms so tight around him that all of his pain would just vanish but I couldn't bring myself to move. Gerard crumbled under my gaze, his shoulders slumped, his hand wrapped around his cut and he slammed his body into the wall behind him hard.

"I don't want to hurt anymore." He whimpered, his lips moved to say my name but the word refused to form.

"Gerard." I sighed pushing open the door wider to reveal the full bathroom, it looked perfectly clean until my eyes rested upon the stained razor lying in the small puddle of blood. Mikey is going to go mad.

"I want him to get better." The tears pooled in his eyes and threatened to throw themselves over the edge and freefall down Gerard's face, "Why won't he get better?" 

"He will." Lies, lies, lies, we only tell him lies.  

"He won't," Gerard slid down the wall, sitting in the pool of blood, "He's going to die." 

I stepped into the bathroom but he only flinched beneath me. 

"I can't live without him." Before I could move any further he had the razor resting in his grasp again, I let slip a small whimper as he placed it directly above a vein in his arm. Something overcame me as he began pressing the glistening razor into his pale skin, ready to end it all. My legs buckled beneath me and I fell to the floor beside my tearful beauty, without thinking I grasped Gerard's razor-armed wrist and held it tightly to my chest. I ignored the pain as the razor's sharp edge cut through my tshirt and scratched against my chest.

"We can't live without you," I whispered staring directly into his sad, hazel eyes, "I can't live without you."

His eyes were swimming with tears and his body spilling blood yet he was still beautiful, he was still that amazing man I had met so long ago in the recording studio. He was just broken and hard to fix.

"I love you." he mumbled, barely audible, before pressing his lips against mine. There was no battle for power, no eager tongues, just a kiss, a perfect kiss.

Spare me just three last words.