Kill All Your Friends.

It was cold.

Perhaps it was the brisk wind or perhaps it was the idea of talking to Bert that made my body shiver violently, pushing my fears aside I entered the warm hospital. I knew where I needed to go and why I needed to do it, I couldn’t stand by and let Gerard kill himself over a soon-to-be-dead man.

It was harsh but necessary.

I couldn’t live with myself if I stole a cancer patient’s boyfriend while he was still alive; no matter how selfish it was I needed Bert’s blessing.

The corridors were long and perfectly white, as if this was a dream but as I reached his room it was obvious this was a nightmare. He lay in a bed, staring out of the window, probably hoping to die soon.

Seeing Bert like this was hard to stomach, hair hung raggedly against his face and the shadows under his eyes stood out against his pale skin.

I could tell he was in pain as he turned to face me, wincing under the weight of his own clothes.

"It’s nice to get a visitor." Bert smiled, it was a weak smile that caused a lump to form in my throat, to see him so withered was heart breaking, I could see why Gerard had broken down in this very seat before.

"He wants to come visit." I tried to force a smile but I was too busy stopping the tears from escaping.

"Does he still love me?" His voice was quiet and I only just caught what he had said, his hand limped towards me and I took it in my own.

His skin felt like icicles but he seemed to appreciate my comfort.

Reaching for your hands but I lay here all alone.

"You know he does." I hushed using my free hand to brush a stray piece of hair behind his ear. Bert had always been independent and here he was barely able to move without the help of a nurse; I watched his struggle to keep tears from falling, I tried to do the same.

"He's lost without you." Bert seemed to know it was true.

"But, he loves you." He murmured, his words sent glistening tears cascading down his face and I had to struggle to keep my own from falling.

"He's not in the right mind."

Bert looked straight at me, his eyes sunken.
"Don't lie; I've seen the way he looks at you." His hand slipped from mine and his eyes became darker, "He talks in his sleep, he doesn't even know, he used to mumble my name until you arrived. Every night I laid awake hearing him mutter your name."

I couldn't find a response; I could only stare wide eyed at the pale man before me. Hate for me dripped from every pore in his body. His tears of sadness had turned to ones of anger and his hands clasped violently around mine.

Because I'm starving for you here with my undying love.

"I guess I should be happy he's found someone else. I am going to die after all." He spat the words as if they didn't matter.

"You don't know that, you could get better." I reasoned as he attempted to sit up.

"I'm not getting better." He now sat upright in the hospital bed, his limp arms shaking violently, "I just want him to be happy. I want him to stop hurting over me."

There was a long silence as a new set of tears fell from Bert's eyes. The nurses were watching us closely and I just wanted to run, run as far away from the hospital as possible, run away from this mess.

"I want him to accept the fact he likes you." He mumbled, looking down at his frail hands.

Breathe for love tomorrow cause there's no hope for today.